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Tag Archives: apology

Promethea Culpa

17 Thursday May 2012

Posted by tardsie in Crime, Culture, History, News

≈ 15 Comments

Tags

apology, avoiding responsibility, guns, hypocrisy, irresponsible speech, Kate Gosselin, making excuses, overreaction, Promethea Culpa, retraction, RUN BITCH! RUN!, Sarah Palin, shame campaign, Tuscon shooting, United States of America, veiled threats, violence

Originally presented Jan 18, 2011

By Tardsie

Promethean Times regrets that our clumsy handling of a recent event necessitates both a clarification and an apology.  We have entered an age in which our words take on meanings not originally intended, and where the line between free speech and incitement has grown perilously thin.

Sarah To Kate: “RUN, BITCH! RUN!” By Which She Means ‘Run For Elected Office.’ Sarah Thinks Kate Is Just Swell.

Recent violence in the United States compels us to reexamine a December 27th Promethean Times piece, Plan To Strand Palin, Gosselin In Alaskan Wilderness Unsuccessful.  In the aforementioned piece, we depicted a gun-toting Sarah Palin above the caption ‘Many People Hoped That This Image Would Be The Last Thing To Go Through Kate Gosselin’s Mind Before The Bullet.’

We’re confident most readers understood that our intention, however ham-handed in its execution, was to express the hope that an image of her friend Sarah Palin went through Kate Gosselin’s mind rapidly–as in, with the speed of a bullet. We did not mean to imply or depict, as some readers clearly believe, any intended violence from Palin toward the talentless reality star.  This erroneous assumption is bolstered by our choice of image, and in this, we probably chose unwisely.  If we had to do it again, would most likely not choose a picture of Palin with an automatic weapon, and definitely not one in which the former vice-presidential candidate is taking direct aim at the viewer.

We want to be perfectly clear: the error was inadvertent.  Although as a staff we are stunned that anyone would believe Promethean Times capable of such a gross breach of our journalistic responsibilities, we acknowledge that through our own actions, we bear at least some culpability for the confusion.

“I’ve Got A Shotgun Shell Here With Kate’s Name On It. As A Present, Of Course. I Did The Engraving Myself. You Betcha!”

We very  much regret that Promethean Times‘ ambiguous phrasing caused alarm among a portion of our more sensitive readers, and in the future will endeavor whenever possible to eschew confusing, convoluted–and seemingly interminable–sentences which, through their various levels of syntactic abstraction not only serve to baffle a reader, but also sorely test his or her patience with the writer’s self-indulgent, pointless and increasingly wearisome verbal prestidigitation; instead, in such situations where previously we might have employed so confusing and unnecessarily-elaborate a syntax, we henceforth shall strive mightily to use only the most concise, clearly-worded and straightforward sentence structure in both the hope and belief that in doing so, such plain grammar will not only help to mitigate the very real possibility of further confounding the reader and thereby abrogating our journalistic mandate to effectively impart an intended message, but also–and by no means less importantly–to be more thoroughly satisfying for the reader.

For reals.

“KILL SMAKTAKULA! With Kindness. You’ve Heard That Expression, Right?”

Sacramento, California

02 Thursday Jun 2011

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture, History

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

apology, California, Eucharist, places that suck, SAC, Sacramento, Sacramento Kings

By Smaktakula

Proving that you don’t have to be a great city to anchor the nation’s most important state, Sacramento manages to remain relevant despite an almost total lack of merit.   California’s capital city squats like a persistent sore upon the confluence of the American and Sacramento Rivers at the northern end of the Central Valley, the Golden State’s bountiful backwater.

In a moment of unwarranted optimism, the city fathers attempted rather generously to imbue the flyblown stinkpit with a sense of the divine by naming it for the Eucharist.  A century-and-a-half later, the dividend of this faith has been an NBA franchise and a spectacularly inept legislature.

It's Telling That The City Is Often Abbreviated As 'SAC.'

We’re not proud of this, Sacramento.  But we had a need and you’re easy. ∞T.

Pork: The Other Hate Meat

09 Thursday Dec 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture, Politics, Religion, Stupidity

≈ 6 Comments

Tags

1st Amendment, Americans' self-loathing, anti-semitism, apology, bacon, bacon attack, Bacon is evil!, bunched panties, Filthy Jews!, free speech, hate crime, hate food, Islam, Islamic law, Jews, Kevin Bacon, Koran, meat, muslims, my religious values trump your liberties, North Carolina, pigs, pork, pork is Muslim kryptonite, Porky Pig, puppies, religion of peace, religious intolerance, ritual cleanliness, Scotland, special needs, unclean things, United States of America, whining, your hot sister

By Smaktakula

Get It Straight: Bacon Doesn't Love You. It's Only Hanging Around To Get A Crack At Your Hot Sister.

In American society’s quest to regulate speech in the interests of sensitivity and to answer the burning question Why are we so full of hate?, it must constantly reexamine various societal motifs and weed out those which have gained hateful properties. One of America’s favorite meats has undergone such a transformation: pork has stepped over to the dark side.  It is now a hate meat.

So If You Were Trapped On A Desert Island, And The Only Things Available To Eat Were Either A Pig Or A Jewish Dude . . .

To Muslims, the pig is one of many objects and things proscribed by Islam as ritually unclean.  Detractors of the Religion of Peace have begun to exploit this injunction.  Pork-related anti-Muslim attacks are on the rise across the country, including a recent episode where the words PIG and CHUMP were spelled out in bacon on a sidewalk in front of a North Carolina mosque.  For many within the Muslim community this was no bit of porcine playfulness, but nothing less than a direct assault on the peaceful teachings of Islam–a hate crime.

Not Quite So Literal, Jackass.

Some observers wonder: Are anti-Muslim activities on the rise, or has the Muslim community become more sensitive?  The Jewish faith has a similar proscription against pork, and has no doubt suffered many of the same food-related indignities as have Muslims in its long association with American life.  Nonetheless, we don’t hear as much about the hate food issue from Jewish people, who are perhaps more concerned with actual violence–sometimes perpetrated by Muslims–rather than imagined, symbolic violence.

While We're On The Subject Of Ritual Cleanliness, Let's Talk About That Beard.

In this regard, strictures on Muslim hygiene are much more severe than those of the Jewish faith, possibly the origin of the favored Islamic epithet, “dirty Jew.”  Whereas Jews only have to avoid eating unclean creatures, and more obvious prohibitions like not fornicating with them or wearing their skins, Muslims go all the way, with some even declaring an image of something unclean to be an affront to the Almighty.

And Worst Of All, The Little Infidel Creature Refuses To Wear Pants.

The potential list of Muslim vulnerabilities doesn’t end with pork; Islam defines several objects and creatures as ritually unclean.  Dogs, popular enough in the West to earn the affectionate sobriquet ‘Man’s Best Friend,’ are among the things the Koran has determined to be forbidden.  In fact, in Scotland recently a police postcard featuring the image of an adorable police dog puppy created outrage in the Muslim community.  The postcard was withdrawn and an abject apology soon followed.

Ritually Unclean Things Have A Similar Effect Upon Muslims.

This prohibition against dogs has also caused some Muslim cab drivers at the Minneapolis Airport to refuse to transport passengers with dogs.  Some refused people carrying alcohol or who had been drinking, another Islamic no-no.  There’s no word on whether these cab drivers refused entry to an unveiled woman  or one who dared to have a job.

Poster

A Cruel Slap In The Face To Islam. Bad Dog!

As mentioned earlier, while Muslims are by no means alone in following strict dietary and religious procedures, they stand out by demanding that people of other faiths observe these same strictures.  Orthodox Jews, for example, are religiously prohibited from mixing beef and dairy products, some going so far as to have separate ovens–and in some cases separate kitchens–for the two substances.  Curiously, there has not been a concerted effort by Jews to prevent people of other faiths from combining these two food products as they see fit.

The Real Face Of Pork. Not So Pretty, Eh?

In a possibly-related piece of news, scientists have discovered that diets low in pork-related products may in some instances cause people to become whiny bitches.* Efforts to produce sausage from contrived outrage and self-flagellation have yet to offer tangible results.

We Acknowledge That Some Bacon Is An Affront To God.

*Readers may be interested to know that Smaktakula does not eat pork products of any kind.  Draw your own conclusions. ∞T

People Of Size Undeserving Of Your Scorn

04 Thursday Nov 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture, Stupidity

≈ 6 Comments

Tags

addiction, America's inability to say NO, apology, baleen whales, bloggers, CBS, childhood obesity, chubby chasers, evil corporations, fast food, fat people, girthophobia, intolerance, irresponsibility, life in North Korea sure is shitty!, Marie Claire, Maura Kelly, Mike and Molly, North Korea, obesity, people of size, Pizza the Hut, plumper porn, poor self-esteem, shifting blame, sizeism, Smaktakula's hypocrisy can sometimes be astounding, trans-fats, waddling grotesquery, War on Fat, Why am I so fat?

By Smaktakula

In A Perfect World Parents Would Have Another Option For Feeding Their Children. If Only There Were Some Kind Of Market Where Parents Could Purchase Fresh, Wholesome Food To Prepare For Their Children, That Would Be Super.

Recently, a blogger for Marie Claire was compelled to issue an abject apology after making derogatory comments about people of size.  In a scathing review of CBS‘ new fat show, Mike and Molly, columnist Maura Kelly called fat people “aesthetically displeasing,” and compared obesity to an addiction.  The nationwide eruption of hurt feelings took Marie Claire’s editors by surprise, and after some fumbling, they distanced themselves from the story and presumably forced Kelly’s apology.

It’s laughable to think that a simple act of contrition can exculpate either Kelly or Marie Claire for this deplorable instance of intolerance.  People of size may have massive, quivering bodies, but their self-esteem is by contrast as delicate as a sugar sculpture.  By shattering it, Kelly has only served to drive these waddling grotesqueries back into the cool, comforting embrace of the refrigerator in a vain effort to exorcise their pain.  The blogger should not only be fired, but also subjected to some sort of sensitivity-increasing exercise, such as the forced viewing of plumper porn.

Really? You'd Like To See These Two Baleen Going At It?

Kelly’s supporters argue that like drug addiction, eating disorders are medically recognized conditions, and that the writer’s opinions echo those of medical science.  Moreover, they’re likely to point to the fact that outside of fetishists, most people are turned off by fleshy truckloads of undulant blubber.

But She Has A Great Sense Of Humor.

These excuses betray the rotten logic of girthophobes.  Just because something is true doesn’t mean it should be said, if saying it means portraying an individual’s lifestyle choices as within his control.  Kelly is doing nothing more than blaming the individual for the situation in which he has put himself.

He Remains Curiously Unsympathetic To America's Obesity Epidemic.

The War On Fat is already lost.  The winners are the fast-food and processed food industries, who are in business for no other reason than to make money.  To flog their products, these companies stoop to advertising during children’s programming, and often include toys with their products.  These companies are perpetrating a modern Holocaust, preying on America’s inability to say NO.

Which is why the government will soon have to step in to provide the NO.  Once trans-fats, sodium, corn syrup and other dangerous additives have been removed from the American diet, the obesity epidemic should waste away like a North Korean peasant.  Until then, the disgustingly obese deserve to be treated with tolerance: they can’t help it.

Except For The Healthy Lifestyle Choices And The Hours Upon Hours In The Gym, Brad Pitt's Physique Is A Matter Of Pure Luck.

Easy, Tiger

18 Thursday Feb 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture, General Foolishness, Golf, Sports

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

apology, Golf, hero worship, infidelity, PGA, role model, sex scandal, Tiger Woods

By Smaktakula

According to his agent, golfing great Tiger Woods will be making a public apology on Friday, presumably for the behavior which derailed both his marriage and his golfing career.  The future prospects of Woods’ marriage are unclear, but those of his career aren’t.  Woods may have found himself with a bad lie, but given proper handling, he should be able to extricate himself.  Despite the hue and cry surrounding the holiday-season scandal, the public can be notoriously forgiving of athletes’ sexual peccadilloes.  As a sports culture, the PGA may be slower to forgive than would the NFL, NBA or MLB, where such a public sex scandal is hardly something new.  But given time, it will blow over.  

The Penitent Tiger

The upcoming apology should serve to expedite Woods’ public absolution, which is no doubt the purpose behind Friday’s planned flagellation.  When apologizing to more than one person, especially to thousands, even millions of people, there are two questions which must be answered either expressly or implicitly for the apology to mean anything.   

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