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Tag Archives: Brilliant Comrade

‘Lil ‘Lil Kim: The Least Of Three Evils

16 Thursday Dec 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture, News, Politics

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

'Lil 'Lil Kim, 'Lil Kim, Brilliant Comrade, comical despots, comically despotic dynasties, Eric Clapton, impoverished third-world hellhole, Kim Il-sung, Kim Jong-chol, Kim Jong-il, Kim Jong-nam, Kim Jong-un, Kimkinder, Korean Succession Crisis, life in North Korea sure is shitty!, loser, Macau, North Korea, Numba One Son, Numba Two Son, Pyongyang, the dude who owns the liquor store a block away from where you work, United States of America, video games, WikiLeaks, Wishnik Troll, you can't tell us that 'Pyongyang' doesn't sound like a filthy word to you, Young General

By Smaktakula

Ever Mischievous, Kim Jong-il Told This Soldier That The Cookie Jar Shaped Like The U.S. Capitol Was Filled With Nourishing Rice.

In the weeks following the announcement in Pyongyang regarding the planned succession of Kim Jong-un, the corpulent youngest son of decaying comical despot Kim Jong-il.  Kim Jong-un, known popularly as “The Brilliant Comrade” or according to some sources, “The Young General,” was initially considered a longshot for the succession due to his youth, backwardness and lack of a girlfriend despite being in his late twenties.

A Promotional Still From Kim's Short-Lived Reality Show, "Who Wants To Be A Third-World Despot?"

The Brilliant Comrade’s elevation caught most observers by surprise.  It was thought that the dying dictator might not name a successor at all, instead leaving the impoverished third-world hellhole in the capable hands of its generals.  However, revelations from documents released recently by WikiLeaks help to shed light on the succession mystery.

Kim Jong-chol: "Rook Out, Radies! Hot Stuff, Comin' Through!"

One source says of Kim Jong-un, “‘Lil ‘Lil Kim is a historical accident,” adding, “If either of his older brothers was worth a damn, the Brilliant Comrade could return to his first love: building intricately designed cuckoo clocks for his vast collection of doll houses.”  But for the tongue-tied tyrant such carefree days are behind him; although he never asked for the responsibility, it is incumbent upon Kim Jong-un to perpetuate the ruination of their homeland begun by his grandfather, Kim Il-sung and then continued by his father, Kim Jong-il.

When Asked The Reason For His Love Of Doll Houses, Kim Jong-un Replied, "Dorries Never Starve To D-D-Death."

For years it was assumed that Kim Jong-nam, eldest of the Kimkinder, would succeed his father upon the elder Kim’s much-rejoiced eventual death.  However, the demented Wishnik Troll is said to have soured on his playboy son after the younger Kim was caught trying to sneak into Japan for the admitted purpose of visiting Tokyo Disney.  Currently living an exile’s life in Macau, Kim Jong-nam has criticized his father’s choice of successor.  Sources close to Kim Jong-nam say that he is hoping to take power in Pyongyang when his younger brother fails.  This, of course, remains contingent on his surviving the inevitable assassination attempt resulting from his poorly chosen words.

Eldest Son Kim Jong-nam Looks Amazingly Like The Dude Who Owns The Liquor Store A Block Away From Where You Work.

The next son, Kim Jong-chol is no better.  A fan of Western music, Numba Two Son is said to have lost favor with his father after being spotted at an Eric Clapton concert in Germany.  Adding to Kim Jong-chol’s troubles is the perception that he lacks the requisite masculinity for North Korea’s premier job.  Most damning, however, are the revelations that the second son has moved into the dungeon below Kim’s palace, where he devotes all his time to video games.

The Video Games Were One Thing, But When Kim Jong-chol Began Showing Up To Strategy Meetings In Costume, His Father Could Take No More.

The anointing of ‘Lil ‘Lil Kim begins to seem less strange when weighed against his cretinous siblings.  True, the tubby tyrant is an awkward, maladjusted, friendless toad–but he may just be North Korea’s last, best hope.

Ever The Pragmatist, Kim's Philosophy Is "If You Can't Be With The One You Ruv, Baby, Better Ruv The One You're With."

Tonight, A Father And Son Are A Rittre Ress Ronery

24 Wednesday Nov 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture, News

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Tags

'Lil 'Lil Kim, 'Lil Kim, 'Lil Kim is dying, bonding, Brilliant Comrade, comical despots, comically despotic dynasties, daddy issues, fat people, Glorious Blossoming, Great Leader, impoverished third-world hellhole, Kim Jong-il, Kim Jong-il is batshit crazy, Kim Jong-un, Kim Jong-un is most likely batshit crazy, Korean War, life in North Korea sure is shitty!, Meet the Un-Kim, North Korea, Pyongyang, So Ronery, South Korea, unprovoked attack, you can't tell us that 'Pyongyang' doesn't sound like a filthy word to you

By Smaktakula

In Another Time, Another Place--This Could Have Been The Kims. Perhaps Then They Wouldn't Be So . . . Ronery.

In the dismal, crumbling concrete tomb that is Pyongyang, there are small but increasingly hopeful signs of life.  In a touching moment of bonding, dying despot Kim Jong-il is reportedly spending quality time with his youngest son and chosen successor, Kim Jong-un.  ‘Lil Kim is said to be teaching ‘Lil ‘Lil Kim about the trials and tribulations of statecraft by launching an unprovoked attack on a South Korean island.

Father And Son: Only A Few Short Feet Separates Them, But They Are Divided By A Chasm As Huge And Unrelenting As Heartbreak.

Said a North Korean ambassador:

“The Great Leader knows that continuity is important to our great nation, and he has every confidence that when the day comes for the Brilliant Comrade Kim Jong-un to take his rightful place as our terrible master, the transition will go smoothly and gloriously.”

He then added:

“Do you have any food?  I would very much like some food.”

Launching a sneak attack against neighboring South Korea is thought to be an excellent bonding opportunity for North Korea’s two most powerful men, as Kims ‘Lil and ‘Lil ‘Lil are both fans of large-scale violence.  According to sources, the elder Kim wants to show his son that the international community will huff and puff, but that as long as the repressive third-world regime dangles the nuclear carrot, will stand by helplessly.

"Seriousry? You're Afraid? Now, Risten To Me You Stuttering Toad--If They Were REARRY Gonna Do Anything, They Woulda Done It Rong Time Ago."*

Sources close to Pyongyang, who agreed to speak to Promethean Times upon conditions of anonymity and after being provided with food, said that Kim is doing more than preparing his son for leadership.  “The Great Leader is hoping that by spending time with the boy, it will bolster his self-esteem.  When the younger Kim is feeling better about himself, we expect to see an end to his Glorious Blossoming,” he said, employing the official euphemism for ‘Lil ‘Lil Kim’s ‘Lil weight problem.

'Lil 'Lil Kim Awaits Reaction To His New PR Campaign: "Meet The Un-Kim."

*Please read here for more details on ‘Lil Kim’s unusual accent.

It Ain’t Easy Being The Tyrant’s Son

12 Friday Nov 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in News

≈ 1 Comment

Tags

'Lil 'Lil Kim, Brilliant Comrade, comical despots, comically despotic dynasties, dweebs, impoverished third-world hellhole, Kim Jong-un, misfits, nuclear ambitions

By Smaktakula

Recently-discovered video footage from the 1990s shows the Brilliant Comrade Kim Jong-un, future comical despot of impoverished third-world hellhole North Korea, as a schoolboy.  Although by this time ‘Lil ‘Lil Kim had yet to develop his ‘Lil weight problem, from the footage it’s clear that already the larval dictator was none too cool.

It’s difficult to say what will happen when an isolated, socially inept, resentful misfit is given absolute authority over a nuclear nation, but no one can doubt that whatever happens, it will be exciting.

Kim Jong-un Applauds

The Porky Pre-Potentate Got His First Taste Of Friendship When His Father Ordered These Three Old Dudes To Hang Out With Him.

Why Up-Down Sites Like reddit Are Awesome!

13 Wednesday Oct 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture

≈ 2 Comments

Tags

'Lil 'Lil Kim, Brilliant Comrade, brilliant dirty weirdos, China, dateless cyberninjas, dictators, dictatorship of the masses, Dr. Doom, Dr. Grigori Perelman, Face!, General Secretary of the Communist Party, Hu Jintao, Iran, Kim Jong-un, Latveria, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, North Korea, Pat Robertson, Pat Robertson is batshit crazy, popular culture, reddit, repression of dissent, repressive regimes, Russia, Smaktakula's troubling insecurity, vote down, vote up

By Smaktakula

Somebody Else reddit So You Don't Have To. You're Welcome.

By voting up what is good and down those things which are not, you can ensure that only quality content finds its way to the masses, burying those weird notions and unpleasant ideas to which no right-thinking person would ever want to expose himself.

"I Know! It's Totally Great!"

"I Vote Down What I D-D-Don't Understand."

"Why Must You Pester, Dr. Grigori? You Know I Only Live For Mathematics.

"We Regard This Idea As Swollen With Truth And Sticky Goodness."

"We Employ A Similar System With Our News Media. The Big Difference Is That Instead Of "Voting You Up," You Are Allowed To Live. Otherwise They're Pretty Much The Same."

"Feel The Wrath Of Doom As I And My Techno-Posse Of Dateless Cyberninjas Silence You With Our Keyboards. FACE!"

"Because There Are Some Things Which Should Not Be Discussed. Unless You Want God To Destroy Your City Through A Natural Disaster. What? I'm Just Sayin'."

We Ache For Your Approval.

‘Lil ‘Lil Kim’s ‘Lil Weight Problem

11 Monday Oct 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture, History, Politics

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

'Lil 'Lil Kim, 'Lil Kim, 'Lil Kim is dying, Asia, Brilliant Comrade, comical despots, despots of size, fat people, impoverished third-world hellhole, Kim Jong-il, Kim Jong-il is batshit crazy, Kim Jong-un, Kim Jong-un is batshit crazy, North Korea, people of size, succession, Why am I so fat?

By Smaktakula

Meet The New Boss, Same As The Old Boss. Except Much Fatter.

It’s not typical in the information age for the political rising star of a nuclear-capable rogue state to go unnoticed by nervous foreign powers.  But in the case of the Brilliant Comrade, Kim Jong-il’s mysterious and until recently unknown son, Kim Jong-un, that appears to be exactly what happened.

Because Despots-In-Training--Even The Comical Kind--Do Not Smile For Photos.

Now the old man is trotting ‘Lil ‘Lil Kim out at every opportunity, giving the world a chance to examine the Brilliant Comrade in detail.  He’s a little heftier than previous pictures indicated, not unremarkable in a country so desperately lacking in food.  Moreover, ‘Lil ‘Lil Kim’s porcine features coupled with the irascible disposition he is said to have inherited from his father lends him that special brand of terrifying goofiness which should allow him to lord over the impoverished third-world hellhole as long as its crumbling infrastructure holds out.

"Th-Th-Th-That's All, F-F-F-Forks!"

‘Lil ‘Lil Kim Promoted

30 Thursday Sep 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Celebrity, Culture, History, News

≈ 4 Comments

Tags

'Lil 'Lil Kim, 'Lil Kim, 4 Star General, Big Kim, Brilliant Comrade, Central Military Commission, comical despots, comically despotic dynasties, Kim Il-sung, Kim Jong-il, Kim Jong-un, North Korea, Regions

By Smaktakula

Pyongyang announced recently that The Brilliant Comrade Kim Jong-un, son of comical despot Kim Jong-il has been made a vice-chairman of the Central Military Commission and promoted to the rank of Four Star General.  Most North Korea analysts see this as confirmation that ‘Lil ‘Lil Kim has been tapped to be his father’s chosen successor.

Big Kim, 'Lil Kim, 'Lil 'Lil Kim (Maybe).

At the tender age of twenty-seven (or possibly twenty-eight), The Brilliant Comrade has succeeded wildly in comparison to the shiftless couch-warmers who comprise his generation.  This kid’s a four-star general–guess you being the youngest partner at Lemitz, Lemitz and Mulcahy isn’t such a big fucking deal, huh?

"My Regions Will Destroy You! . . . What? . . . Regions. I Can't Berieve You Never Heard That. You Know, Rike A Bunch Of Sordiers. Regions."

Meet Tomorrow’s Tyrants Today: Even Littler Kim

02 Thursday Sep 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Asia, Culture, History, Military, Mythology, Politics, World Affairs

≈ 4 Comments

Tags

'Lil 'Lil Kim, Brilliant Comrade, California, comical despots, fun with stereotypes, impoverished third-world hellhole, Kim Curly-jo, Kim Jong-il, Kim Jong-un, Kim Jong-un is batshit crazy, Kim Larry-il, meet tomorrow's tyrants today, Nintendo, North Korea, Nyuk! Nyuk! Nyuk!, third generation tyrants

By Smaktakula

The question of succession in North Korea weighs heavily on heads of state across the globe.  This is particularly true for neighbors of the belligerent Asian nation, who fear the possible future of a North Korea even more despotic and mercurial than the current regime.

Meet the Brilliant Comrade, Kim Jong-un.  Born sometime around 1982 or 1983, Kim Jong-il’s youngest son and chosen successor is said to be very much like his father in temperament and tastes, meaning he is a megalomaniacal, avaricious dickball perfectly suited to lord over North Korea during the stupefying ruination of the impoverished third-world hellhole.

There is some danger of a power struggle after the elder Kim dies.  Not only does the Brilliant Comrade face treachery on the military front from upstart generals grown weary of Clan Kim’s wacky rule, but also internecine connivance from passed-over older brothers, Kim Larry-il and Kim Curly-jo.

This is one of the few pictures of ‘Lil ‘Lil Kim known to exist.

"Do You Rike . . . Nintendo?"

Update: Within five minutes of the picture’s publication, authorities received over five hundred calls from citizens who claimed they had spotted Kim Jong-un.  The vast majority of these erroneous sightings–and in one or two cases false imprisonment–occurred in Orange and Los Angeles County shopping malls.

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