• Get To Know Promethean Times!
  • Magnificent Bastards
  • Douchebags Emeritus

Promethean Times

~ A Collection of Oddities Calculated to Amuse, Enlighten and Horrify.

Promethean Times

Tag Archives: Portrush

Ireland The PT Way!

12 Monday Mar 2012

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture, History, Politics

≈ 33 Comments

Tags

Belfast, Catholicism, Derry, dope, drunken Irishmen, Edna Kenny, Eire, grass, hemp, ignorance, inebriate, IRA, Ireland, Irish Potato Famine, Irish Republican Army, Lucky Charms, Micks, Northern Ireland, or did we get those colors reversed?, Portrush, pot, proddies, protestant, reefer, Republic of Ireland, Smaktakula's decades-old vendetta against the French, sweet sweet cheeba, Taoiseach, the French, the Troubles, They're magically delicious!, ugly Americans, Ulster, Unionists, weed, Why am I so drunk?

By The Promethean Times Editorial Staff

Ireland: A Nice Place To Visit, Even If You're Mostly Sober.

Before we get started, we should confess something: despite the cruel, ignorant and generally irresponsible things we say about people, places and things, it may surprise our readers to know that we hold in great affection many of those very subjects we skewer so mercilessly.¹ Chief among these beloved foils are the Irish. Although we will continue to mock these hapless, potato-munching inebriates until our dying day, the fact that Tardsie and Smaktakula have between them made a combined five trips to the Emerald Isle should to a large degree demonstrate Promethean Times‘ love for the Micks.

Edna Kenny (Seen Here At Breakfast) Was Recently Appointed Taoiseach (Prime Minister) For The Republic Of Ireland.

The Irish are a warm, gregarious people, who, despite the startling number of fistfights in which they regularly engage, are rightly known for their genial natures. Although theirs is a bittersweet history, full of famines, oppression and drunkenness, it’s difficult not to admire a people so foul-mouthed that old ladies use the Lord’s name more often in casual conversation than does Pat Robertson,  and whose priests are known to remark “If it’s yer head you’ll be wantin’ kicked in, ya wee shite, then go ahead and touch me fookin’ pint a second time.”

Straight Up: You Won't Be Getting His Lucky Charms Without One Hell Of A Fight.

The Irish are further unique in that, for whatever reason, they genuinely seem to be fond of Americans. Promethean Times wishes to encourage this special relationship by fostering an even greater understanding between Irish people and their more sober American cousins. With this in mind, we offer these American-specific travel tips for visiting Éire.

Don't Let It Worry You--Irishmen Are Sweethearts. In Another Five Minutes You'll Be Lifelong Pals. Just The Same, You Shouldn't Count On Him Never Again Punching You In The Face.

  • The Irish are proud of their culture. Show them you’re proud of it, too. If you even have one Irish ancestor, no matter how far removed, share this news with your new Mick friends by declaring, “I’m Irish, too!” They love that.
  • Break the ice by tackling a short person and demanding he lead you to his pot of gold, or at the very least, kick you down a bowl of sugary cereal for your trouble.

Look, It's Nothing Personal, Mr. O'Shaughnessy, It's Just That We Don't Think You're Temperance Society Material.

  • Black Irish doesn’t mean “black people.” Having said that, there are Irishmen of African descent. Smaktakula had the opportunity to meet them, and they were both really cool.
  • Although the Irish people insist on seeing their culture as wholly distinct and separate from that of the Scots, they don’t mind at all that you don’t. Go ahead and let them how much you enjoyed Braveheart.
  • The Irish love a laugh. It’s perfectly acceptable to point out that the word “Gaelic” sounds a lot like “Gay-Lick.”
  • The Irish will be delighted if you accost them on the street for the sole purpose of hearing them say, “They’re magically delicious.”  Famously patient, they’ll happily oblige you a second time when you demand, “No–do it right!”

When Irish Eyes Are Smiling...

Special tips for travelling in Northern Ireland:

  • Your choice of drink can say a lot, so choose one respectful of Irish culture. Although Irish car bombs are, along with straight whiskey, famously the national refreshment, when in Northern Ireland, the savvy drinker orders a Black & Tan.
  • Irish people can sometimes be melancholy, particularly in the north. If anyone mentions ‘the Troubles,’ tell ’em, “You think you’ve got troubles? I’m consumed by credit card debt and my lousy job is killing me! At least you get to sit around all day and drink!”

The Quaint Northern Town Of Portrush, Or As Tardsie Calls It, "POTrush." But That's A Story For Another Day.

  • In Northern Ireland, knowing your colors can be the difference between life and death: When you’re in Catholic areas, be sure to sport your Unionist orange, but just as quickly switch to green when you’re hanging with the proddies.
  • If you’re looking to place your money offshore by investing in foreign financial products, you could do a lot worse than to look into an Irish IRA. Irish professionals spend most of their office hours in local pubs, and financial advisors are no different. Try asking around at different pubs in Belfast or Derry for some information about the IRA (remember to pronounce it by the initials when you’re in N. Ireland, and not like a wimpy man’s name, as in America). It’s the damnedest thing–everyone you speak to will deny knowing anything about it, but if you ask around long enough, the right people WILL find you.

Folks, Whether You Realize It Or Not, The World Is Just One More Potato Famine Away From Being Up To Its Eyeballs In The Irish.

¹We weren’t talking to you, Frenchie, so sit your ass down. Nobody here called for a snail-eating surrender-monkey. < S.

Stupid People: Way More Fun Than TV

06 Friday Jan 2012

Posted by Smaktakula in Crime, Culture, News, Stupidity

≈ 2 Comments

Tags

bikini area, Bush, Cudjoe Key, death by Smurf, Deep South, douchebaggery, drunken Irishmen, Erica Wilson, floozies, Florida, fucking idiots, Galway, Galwegians, Guinness, incarceration, incest, Jameson, Jesse Brooks, Megan Barnes, morons, Papa Smurf, Portrush, Rogersville, Rosslare Harbour, skankery, skanks, Smurf cum, stupid people, Tennessee, Why am I so crazy?, Why am I so stupid?, you got a real purty mouth

By Smaktakula

Morons Make Us Feel Just A Little Bit Smarter.

Today, almost anyone can get himself arrested.  It doesn’t take style, flair or even imagination–with 1% of the US population behind bars, it’s easy to see that getting busted in America is pretty routine.  It’s not surprising then, that when individuals take the extra effort to ensure that their crimes are particularly shameful, we sit up and take notice.  It is with no small amount of pleasure that we present to you the following tales of delightfully dimwitted and debased douchebaggery.

Enjoy!

“Hey Jordy! I Can See Your Trailer From Here!”

Keepin’ It In The Family II: The Cousining

Like all couples, Erica Wilson and Jesse Brooks of Rogersville, Tennessee had their share of fights.  But in November of 2011, the two engaged in combat so fierce and bloody that the police were forced to intervene.

In the moments before the melee, the pair had been discussing their relationship.  When Brooks began to affectionately grope Wilson, cooing “I want you,” she rebuffed him, explaining she expected more from their relationship than to simply be a “booty call.”  The fight erupted in earnest when Brooks expressed a desire to keep the relationship strictly sexual, explaining that, as he and Wilson were first cousins, anything more would be kind of icky.

Take Some Comfort That They’re Not Breeding With The Normals.

Bushwhacked!

Megan Barnes isn’t a wealthy woman.  She will never have a huge lawn to keep tight and trim, nor any landscaped topiary to adorn her home.  Despite her obvious disadvantages, the skanky Southern belle prides herself on her personal grooming.

This attention to detail is the most likely the reason that, while driving her vehicle in Cudjoe Key, Florida, Barnes plowed into the back of a pickup truck.  She lost control of the vehicle when she turned over the steering chores to her ex-husband, a passenger in the vehicle.  However, the fastidious floozy provided a reason for her inattention, explaining that she had been on her way to see her boyfriend,  and needed her hands free for the important work of shaving her ‘bikini area.‘

It Just Makes For Easier Access.

A Horror In Blue

Galway, Ireland, the folksy tourist-trap of the Emerald Isle, is typically a friendly town.  Like all Irishmen, from Rosslare Harbour to Portrush, Galwegians are a drunken, cheerful lot.  But a Halloween home invasion has loosed a dark current of fear throughout the city.

One innocent citizen was sleeping off his night’s meal of Guinness and Jameson when he was awakened by an intruder in his bedroom.  To the man’s horror, the assailant was a six-foot tall smurf, who, in a final ghastly indignity, turned out to be drunk and horny.  Although it was revealed to be a case of mistaken identity, with Inebriate Smurf in the wrong home, this news will most likely do little to ease the long-term psychological trauma inherent in such a terrifying episode.

Sometimes Papa Just Needs A Piece Of Ass That Isn’t Blue.

LIKE Promethean Times on Facebook!

LIKE Promethean Times on Facebook!

Enter your email address to follow this blog and receive notifications of new posts by email.

The Best Of Times

  • Belgians: The World's Most Evil People
  • Emmanuel Lewis: The Antigary
  • People Actually Believe That? Ramtha And The Lizard-Beasts Of Mt. Rainier
  • Mark Wahlberg Is Nothing Without The Funky Bunch. Nothing!
  • Shane MacGowan Is Still Alive (As Of This Writing): Happy St. Patrick's Day And God Bless Us All!
  • A Funny Story About Clowns
  • Diddy Unveils Ridiculous New Name
  • Nothing But Comebacks
  • Headlines: Great Big Boobs & A Phyllis Diller Smile
  • Mullets Are Slightly Less Heinous Than Fauxhawks

Dumb Stuff We Say On Twitter:

  • Teachable Moments prometheantimes.com/2015/10/15/tea… http://t.co/QFzhCOBHaO 4 years ago
  • The Garden-Destroying Cross-Lot Food Fight prometheantimes.com/2015/10/01/the… http://t.co/lY6IVUWzYV 4 years ago
  • My Beef With That One Guy From ‘Fast Times At Ridgemont High’ prometheantimes.com/2015/09/23/my-… http://t.co/izgO4yJppn 4 years ago
  • Shelly The Parasitic Yoko of Pervert Alley prometheantimes.com/2015/08/17/she… http://t.co/0svsAHygLs 4 years ago
  • Welcome To Pervert Alley prometheantimes.com/2015/07/31/wel… http://t.co/tvFvovXjTX 4 years ago
Follow @prometheantimes

Recent Times

  • Teachable Moments
  • The Garden-Destroying Cross-Lot Food Fight
  • My Beef With That One Guy From ‘Fast Times At Ridgemont High’
  • Shelly The Parasitic Yoko of Pervert Alley
  • Welcome To Pervert Alley
  • A Profoundly Philosophical Question
  • My Friend Joey Park, Part III
  • My Friend Joey Park, Part II
  • My Friend Joey Park, Part I
  • Headlines: In Which No Puppies Were Harmed Or Abducted
  • Profiles in Loutishness
  • Bet Your Bottom Dollar That Tomorrow
  • Mea Culpa: 55 Cent
  • Goat Mayo
  • Headlines: More News We Don’t Understand
  • The Aging Gunslinger
  • Hungarian Fone Kard
  • Fresh Socks For Homeless Walter
  • I’m An Ass, And I’m Sorry
  • Headlines: I Was A Caveman’s Love-Puppet
  • Untruth & Consequences: Debriefing
  • To All The Girls I’ve Loved Before
  • My Missing Medal
  • Promethean Times Questions Existence Of Sri Lanka
  • Headlines: Shaking And Stirred

WORD.

Adolf Hitler Afghanistan Africa anti-semitism bad parents Barack Obama Baseball bigotry Bill Clinton California Canada cannabis Celebrity Death Watch childish sexual innuendo China cocaine comical despots dope douchebaggery drugs famous for nothing fat people foolish choices fun with stereotypes gay people Germany gold digger grass headlines helpful hints hemp homosexuality hypocrisy impoverished third-world hellhole Iran Islam jackassery Japan Kim Jong-il LiLo Lindsay Lohan Los Angeles Dodgers marijuana Mexico Muammar al-Gaddafi mullets muslims North Korea outright lies places that suck pot racism reefer religious intolerance skankery skanks Smaktakula's decades-old vendetta against the French Smaktakula's distrust of short people Smaktakula's hypocrisy can sometimes be astounding stupid people sweet sweet cheeba Tardsie's True-Ass Tales that trick never works the French this day in history treachery true meanings of holidays United Kingdom United States of America untalented stars weed Where Are They Now? Why am I so fat? Why am I so stupid? you got a real purty mouth

Promethean History

December 2019
M T W T F S S
« Oct    
 1
2345678
9101112131415
16171819202122
23242526272829
3031  

Search The Prometheosphere

Recent Comments

Vivek Golikeri on Alexandra Wallace: Ching-Chong…
Tim on People Actually Believe That?…
Anonymous on Commercials We Do Not Like: Me…
Dudley on Diff’rent Strokes Curse…
Anonymous on Commercials We Do Not Like: Me…
tomsimard on Sadly, Anne Heche Still L…
Smaktakula on Putting The Italian Army To Go…
David on Putting The Italian Army To Go…
Rackuzius on Brilliant, Dirty Weirdo Said T…
Smaktakula on Teachable Moments
Yoshihiko Motaro on Teachable Moments
Anonymous on Words Never To Use: N****…
Alex C on Putting The Italian Army To Go…
Usman Makhdoom on Alexandra Wallace: Ching-Chong…
Lary James on Untruth & Consequences: Do…

Tardsie D. Bagg

Smaktakula

Networked Blogs

NetworkedBlogs
Blog:
Promethean Times
Topics:
Satire, Irreverence, Snarkery
 
Follow my blog

Blog at WordPress.com.