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Tag Archives: Why am I so crazy?

Stupid People: Way More Fun Than TV

06 Friday Jan 2012

Posted by Smaktakula in Crime, Culture, News, Stupidity

≈ 2 Comments

Tags

bikini area, Bush, Cudjoe Key, death by Smurf, Deep South, douchebaggery, drunken Irishmen, Erica Wilson, floozies, Florida, fucking idiots, Galway, Galwegians, Guinness, incarceration, incest, Jameson, Jesse Brooks, Megan Barnes, morons, Papa Smurf, Portrush, Rogersville, Rosslare Harbour, skankery, skanks, Smurf cum, stupid people, Tennessee, Why am I so crazy?, Why am I so stupid?, you got a real purty mouth

By Smaktakula

Morons Make Us Feel Just A Little Bit Smarter.

Today, almost anyone can get himself arrested.  It doesn’t take style, flair or even imagination–with 1% of the US population behind bars, it’s easy to see that getting busted in America is pretty routine.  It’s not surprising then, that when individuals take the extra effort to ensure that their crimes are particularly shameful, we sit up and take notice.  It is with no small amount of pleasure that we present to you the following tales of delightfully dimwitted and debased douchebaggery.

Enjoy!

“Hey Jordy! I Can See Your Trailer From Here!”

Keepin’ It In The Family II: The Cousining

Like all couples, Erica Wilson and Jesse Brooks of Rogersville, Tennessee had their share of fights.  But in November of 2011, the two engaged in combat so fierce and bloody that the police were forced to intervene.

In the moments before the melee, the pair had been discussing their relationship.  When Brooks began to affectionately grope Wilson, cooing “I want you,” she rebuffed him, explaining she expected more from their relationship than to simply be a “booty call.”  The fight erupted in earnest when Brooks expressed a desire to keep the relationship strictly sexual, explaining that, as he and Wilson were first cousins, anything more would be kind of icky.

Take Some Comfort That They’re Not Breeding With The Normals.

Bushwhacked!

Megan Barnes isn’t a wealthy woman.  She will never have a huge lawn to keep tight and trim, nor any landscaped topiary to adorn her home.  Despite her obvious disadvantages, the skanky Southern belle prides herself on her personal grooming.

This attention to detail is the most likely the reason that, while driving her vehicle in Cudjoe Key, Florida, Barnes plowed into the back of a pickup truck.  She lost control of the vehicle when she turned over the steering chores to her ex-husband, a passenger in the vehicle.  However, the fastidious floozy provided a reason for her inattention, explaining that she had been on her way to see her boyfriend,  and needed her hands free for the important work of shaving her ‘bikini area.‘

It Just Makes For Easier Access.

A Horror In Blue

Galway, Ireland, the folksy tourist-trap of the Emerald Isle, is typically a friendly town.  Like all Irishmen, from Rosslare Harbour to Portrush, Galwegians are a drunken, cheerful lot.  But a Halloween home invasion has loosed a dark current of fear throughout the city.

One innocent citizen was sleeping off his night’s meal of Guinness and Jameson when he was awakened by an intruder in his bedroom.  To the man’s horror, the assailant was a six-foot tall smurf, who, in a final ghastly indignity, turned out to be drunk and horny.  Although it was revealed to be a case of mistaken identity, with Inebriate Smurf in the wrong home, this news will most likely do little to ease the long-term psychological trauma inherent in such a terrifying episode.

Sometimes Papa Just Needs A Piece Of Ass That Isn’t Blue.

UFOlogists

02 Wednesday Nov 2011

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture, Stupidity

≈ 4 Comments

Tags

aliens, baseball caps, crazy people, flight jackets, Ufologists, Why am I so crazy?

By Smaktakula

These modern-day flat-earthers would probably be taken more seriously if their business outfit was something other than a baseball cap and a leather flight jacket.

Look, It's Human Nature To Want To Get Laid. But You're Doing It Wrong.

Milton Bradley: An Even Bigger Douche Off The Field

03 Monday Oct 2011

Posted by Smaktakula in Celebrity, Crime, News, Sport

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

Baseball, crazy people, death by Milton Bradley, douchebaggery, Major League Baseball, Milton Bradley, Milton Bradley is batshit crazy, Seattle Mariners, unfortunately-named celebrities, Why am I so crazy?

By Smaktakula

Still Crazy, Just Not Doing It Professionally Any More.

Just a few weeks ago, it seemed that troubled former Major Leaguer Milton Bradley, out of baseball now for several months, would retire to a life of quiet anonymity completely removed from his lightning-rod professional career.  But you’ve got to hand it to the troubled former athlete–lacking fans, teammates or umpires to serve as outlets for his all-consuming flashpoint rage, the man still manages to make do.  This time the victim was his wife.

A year-and-a-half ago, before the 2010 Major League Baseball season, Promethean Times optimistically opined on Bradley’s ability to act like an adult with new team, the Seattle Mariners.  Seattle would soon prove to be the last of Bradley’s eight teams in his twelve-year MLB career.

Since His Exit From The MLB, Bradley Has Been Forced To Lower His Expectations.

Toward the end, Bradley made belated efforts to right his rapidly sinking ship.  Not long into the 2010 season Bradley requested–and was granted–a medical leave of absence from the Mariners while he dealt with his craziness.  Although Bradley’s behavior proved not to be a tremendous distraction for the Mariners, his anemic hitting was, and he was released not long into the 2011 season.

Now it seems that the hyperactive has-been is trying to improve his lifetime average of .271 at home.  His wife reportedly called the police after fleeing the house, alleging that Bradley was attacking her with a baseball bat, swinging wildly.*  Sources close to Bradley expressed disappointment, saying that the ball-player’s swing shows a real lack of patience and plate discipline.

Say What You Will About Their Product, But The Parker Brothers Always Treated Their Ladies With Respect.

* It makes you wonder what Bradley was doing with a baseball bat now that he’s no longer playing professional ball.  It’s not like Smaktakula keeps his old Arby’s uniform around for a rainy day. ∞T.

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