bikini area, Bush, Cudjoe Key, death by Smurf, Deep South, douchebaggery, drunken Irishmen, Erica Wilson, floozies, Florida, fucking idiots, Galway, Galwegians, Guinness, incarceration, incest, Jameson, Jesse Brooks, Megan Barnes, morons, Papa Smurf, Portrush, Rogersville, Rosslare Harbour, skankery, skanks, Smurf cum, stupid people, Tennessee, Why am I so crazy?, Why am I so stupid?, you got a real purty mouth
Today, almost anyone can get himself arrested. It doesn’t take style, flair or even imagination–with 1% of the US population behind bars, it’s easy to see that getting busted in America is pretty routine. It’s not surprising then, that when individuals take the extra effort to ensure that their crimes are particularly shameful, we sit up and take notice. It is with no small amount of pleasure that we present to you the following tales of delightfully dimwitted and debased douchebaggery.
Keepin’ It In The Family II: The Cousining
Like all couples, Erica Wilson and Jesse Brooks of Rogersville, Tennessee had their share of fights. But in November of 2011, the two engaged in combat so fierce and bloody that the police were forced to intervene.
In the moments before the melee, the pair had been discussing their relationship. When Brooks began to affectionately grope Wilson, cooing “I want you,” she rebuffed him, explaining she expected more from their relationship than to simply be a “booty call.” The fight erupted in earnest when Brooks expressed a desire to keep the relationship strictly sexual, explaining that, as he and Wilson were first cousins, anything more would be kind of icky.
Megan Barnes isn’t a wealthy woman. She will never have a huge lawn to keep tight and trim, nor any landscaped topiary to adorn her home. Despite her obvious disadvantages, the skanky Southern belle prides herself on her personal grooming.
This attention to detail is the most likely the reason that, while driving her vehicle in Cudjoe Key, Florida, Barnes plowed into the back of a pickup truck. She lost control of the vehicle when she turned over the steering chores to her ex-husband, a passenger in the vehicle. However, the fastidious floozy provided a reason for her inattention, explaining that she had been on her way to see her boyfriend, and needed her hands free for the important work of shaving her ‘bikini area.‘
A Horror In Blue
Galway, Ireland, the folksy tourist-trap of the Emerald Isle, is typically a friendly town. Like all Irishmen, from Rosslare Harbour to Portrush, Galwegians are a drunken, cheerful lot. But a Halloween home invasion has loosed a dark current of fear throughout the city.
One innocent citizen was sleeping off his night’s meal of Guinness and Jameson when he was awakened by an intruder in his bedroom. To the man’s horror, the assailant was a six-foot tall smurf, who, in a final ghastly indignity, turned out to be drunk and horny. Although it was revealed to be a case of mistaken identity, with Inebriate Smurf in the wrong home, this news will most likely do little to ease the long-term psychological trauma inherent in such a terrifying episode.
“Delightfully dimwitted and debased douchebaggery”–Very nice.
Thanks, my cannabinoid comrade!