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Tag Archives: RNC

Plan To Strand Palin, Gosselin In Alaskan Wilderness Unsuccessful

27 Monday Dec 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Celebrity, Culture, News, Stupidity

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Tags

Adolf Hitler, Alaska, Alaskan wilderness, baby daddy, Christine Gregoire, douchebaggery, Emil Haagerdäddi, former vice-presidential candidate, Han Solo, Hillary Clinton, Iran, Iranian Hostage Crisis, Joe Biden, Jon Gosselin, Kate Gosselin, Luke Skywalker, missed opportunities, Moose, moose attack, Operation Eagle Claw, plot, RNC, Sarah Palin, Sarah Palin's Alaska, Secretary of State, sperm donor, The Empire Strikes Back, the plot to kill Hitler, United States of America, Vice President Biden, Washington State, Wasilla

By Smaktakula

They're Both Still With Us, By God.

Disappointment greeted the news of an unsuccessful attempt to doom Sarah Palin and Kate Gosselin by stranding them in the Alaskan wilderness.  Crushed supporters likened the effort to other failed historical long shots, such as the Nazi plot to kill Hitler or the disastrous attempt by the United States to free hostages held in Iran.  Said a supporter of the plan, “It would have been worse not to try.”

Fact: From Certain Neighborhoods, You Can See Russia.

Several weeks ago, fans of shitty television were promised the reality team-up of the decade when vapid baby-factory Kate Gosselin visited gun-crazy former vice-presidential hockey-mom Sarah Palin in Alaska.  Sadly, as most viewers of Sarah Palin’s Alaska already know, the highly anticipated meeting came off with more of a whimper than a bang, with Gosselin leaving the set after storming off in a huff.  Recent revelations that the producers were part of a cabal which hoped to eliminate either one or both of the reality stars only add to the failed meeting’s disappointment.

There Is Precedent: This Unsuccessful Moose Attack On Washington Gov. Christine Gregoire Is Believed To Have Been Funded By The RNC.

Several weeks ago, TLC* paid to fly the increasingly uninteresting Gosselin and her brood to Alaska, where they would spend the night “roughing it” with Palin and a brigade of production staff.  Plotters determined that a single night was best, fearing that Gosselin would balk at a longer stint.  However, as so many have before, the conspirators failed to account for Gosselin’s complete lack of character; after complaining the entire time, Gosselin left a few hours into the shooting.

Many People Hoped That This Image Would Be The Last Thing To Go Through Kate Gosselin's Mind Before The Bullet.

The plan’s authors contend that only an hour or two more would have been sufficient to spring the trap.  “As soon as Palin and Gosselin had fallen asleep, all the supplies and crew were to be taken out on sleds, leaving the pair only the tents in which they were sleeping,” says Dr. Emil Haagerdäddi, an expert with the Center for Conspiracy and Mind Control.  He adds, “The plotters were still debating whether to take the children with the crew or leave them to fend with the doomed pair when Gosselin stormed off.  It came so close to working.”

Kate And Sperm Donor/Babydaddy. Let's Hope The Kids Don't Get His Hair Or His Height. Or His General Air Of High Douchebaggery.

According to one of the conspirators, it was hoped that the operation would result in the loss of at least one of the annoying television fixtures.  “Best case scenario, we get them both,” says a man who will only give his name as ‘Patchouli.’  But the plotters made clear that they would consider the mission successful if either Palin or Gosselin were removed from the public scene.
Most observers thought it likely that the former Governor would get the better of Gosselin in a straight up fight, possibly cannibalizing the former reality star.  “We envisioned Palin cocooning herself within Gosselin’s carcass for warmth, in much the same way as Han Solo did for Luke Skywalker in The Empire Strikes Back,” said Patchouli.

It Was Thought That Sarah Might Survive In Much The Same Way.

But thanks to Gosselin’s mercurial nature, the strictures imposed by a television shooting schedule and plain old bad luck, Sarah and Kate’s Wild Wilderness Adventure is destined never to happen.  The world will go on as it always has, new controversies arising to distract humanity from the old.  Still, in the coming months and years, it will be nearly impossible to see either woman’s grinning image on television without wondering silently, “What if?”

According To Beltway Rumors, If The Plot Had Been Successful, President Obama Planned To Send VP Biden And Secretary Of State Hillary Clinton To Alaska Next Year.

* Once upon a time, TLC was able to call itself ‘The Learning Channel’ while keeping a straight face.

Michael Steele: Cut And Run

02 Friday Jul 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Duh, General Foolishness, History, National Events, People, Politics, Terrorism

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Tags

Afghanistan, Barack Obama, black Republicans, blunder, douchebaggery, encephalitis is no laughing matter, George W. Bush, idiotic comments, incompetent boobery, jackassery, Michael Steele, Michael Steele is a boob, Republican National Committee, Republicans, RNC, war of Obama's choosing

By Smaktakula

Michael Steele’s impotent tenure as Chairman of the Republican National Committee has come to the sad end everyone has long expected.  Steele, who aside from being a black Republican is best known for his remarkably incompetent boobery, recently referred to the Afghan conflict as ‘a war of Obama’s choosing.’  This claim is absolutely true, if by Obama he means George W. Bush.  Otherwise, it’s pretty idiotic.    

But Steele wasn’t done: “This was not something that the United States had actively prosecuted or wanted to engage in,” he said.  This statement is also true, assuming that the “not” was a verbal typo.  If it wasn’t, this statement would sound moronic coming from an encephalic six-year-old.    

"Okay, We've Got Three Happy Meals, Two Milkshakes And An Apple Pie. Would You Care To Supersize It?"

Democrats Eager To Prove They’re Every Bit As Dumb As Republicans

02 Tuesday Mar 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in General Foolishness, National Events, National Politics, Politics, Regional Politics

≈ 2 Comments

Tags

Arkansas, Barack Obama, Bill Clinton, Blanche Lincoln, Clinton bump, Connecticut, Democratic Party, DNC, do-gooders, GOP, Jimmy Carter, John McCain, Joseph Lieberman, LBJ, limousine liberal, Ned Lamont, Republican Party, RINO, RNC, stupidity

By Smaktakula

Like Joe Lieberman’s successful reelection bid in 2006, extreme elements within the Democratic Party are promoting a primary challenger against incumbent Senator Blanche Lincoln of Arkansas.  Lieberman was not sufficiently anti-war for the Moveon.org types, and so cable gazillionaire Ned Lamont received the party’s blessing to represent the Dems in November.  Lamont, who announced a gubernatorial bid a few weeks ago, may have been lacking in a great many necessary qualities, but he was against the war, a quality which seemingly trumped all else.   Lieberman ran as an independent and won.  Despite the party’s disloyalty, the Democrats managed to save the seat in reality, because Lieberman continues to caucus with the party.   In conservative Arkansas, dividing the party in this manner is not such a safe gamble.  

In recent years, Republican RINOism (Republican In Name Only) has served to alienate a growing  portion of moderates who might otherwise vote for the GOP.  By continually forcing the Republican Party’s ideology to the right, the party’s appeal has therefore narrowed to the point where it is in danger of becoming what its critics have long claimed it to be: a club for old white guys.  Even after shattering defeats in 2006 and 2008, it is not entirely clear that the Republicans have abandoned this unfortunate form of self-sabotage.

Yes, But He's Against The War

In contrast, the Democrats have become increasingly confident in recent years.  With a cocktail of grass-roots fundamentalism, limousine liberal money and increasing party discipline, the Democrats were seemingly shedding their long-standing (and to no small degree deserved) reputation as the fraternity of do-gooding also-rans.  Of Democratic presidents in the second half of the 20th Century, only the empathetic lip-biter, Bill Clinton served two terms (so hold your horses, LBJ apologists–while the legendarily endowed Texan did serve parts of two terms after Kennedy’s assassination in late 1963, he was only elected President once in 1964, stomping arch-conservative Barry Goldwater).  Jimmy Carter, the Dem’s other surviving ex-president, is a symbol of the benign impotence of the Democratic Party for much of the second half of the 20th Century.  

But with the Clinton Bump in the 90’s, the Democratic takeover of the legislature in 2006 and finally, Obama’s masterful victory over John McCain, it appeared that the Democratic Party had found itself at last after so long in the wilderness, consigning the GOP to bumble its way into obsolescence.  The poisonous combination of  arrogance and a leadership out of touch with contemporary America led the Republicans to what promised to be their Waterloo in 2008.  There was an outpouring hand wringing and gnashing of teeth from GOP loyalists in the days following Obama’s victory, while the Democrats made no attempt to contain their glee.   Both sides were heralding the same event: the ugly death of the Republican Party.   

This may have been premature.  That the Republican Party has not only survived, but is perhaps ascendant, is creditable less to the GOP than to the Democrats themselves.  Failing to learn from the opposition’s mistakes, the Democratic Party has ceded authority to a fringe minority, one which shows every evidence of being as crass and autocratic as were the Republicans who preceded it.  Despite the very clear will of the people, the Democrats persist in pushing through a big government agenda that Americans fear will fundamentally change the character and nature of the nation, and doom America to generations of economic serfdom.  

Unless wiser heads within the party prevail–an outcome by no means certain, 2010 will be a very bad year for the Democrats.

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