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Category Archives: Terrorism

This Day In History: September 10, 2001 CE

10 Friday Sep 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture, General Foolishness, History, Humor, Mythology, National Events, People, Terrorism

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

"It's a culinary jihad!", Allahu Akbar: An Eatery For Infidels, Dougie McGinnis, Omaha, Osama bin Laden, pacts, September 10, that trick never works, The Future's So Bright I've Got To Wear Shades, this day in history, tomorrow is another day

On which Dougie McGinnis has high expectations for tomorrow’s grand opening of the Omaha Middle Eastern restaurant into which he has invested his entire life savings and mortgaged his home,  Allahu Akbar: An Eatery For Infidels.

The Future's So Bright, Dougie's Gotta Wear Shades.

What’s an Osama?

Man, The Discovery Channel Really Pissed That Guy Off

02 Thursday Sep 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Corporate Culture, Crime, Critters, Culture, General Foolishness, Justice, National Events, North America, People, Relationships, Terrorism

≈ 2 Comments

Tags

assfaces who write manifestos, batshit crazy, crazy people, death by sniper, Discovery Channel, douchebaggery, environmentalism, James Lee, James Lee was batshit crazy, loveless loners, Old Yeller, Shark Week, Terrorism

By Smaktakula

Self-loathing nutjob James Lee stormed into the Discovery Channel offices Wednesday looking for justice.  Instead, the environmental radical bumbled his way into a delicious pile of irony.

Lee’s apparent purpose was to serve as a sort of homicidal spokesperson for nature.  The police obliged by shooting him down like a dog.

"Another Thing: Why Can't We Have 52 Weeks Of SHARK WEEK?" We Hear You, Brother.

Bonus: There’s one less nasty human messing up the planet.  Way to take one for the team, Jim!

Not What You Were Looking For?

07 Wednesday Jul 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Cinema, Crime, Critters, Culture, Drug Culture, General Foolishness, Hollywood, Humor, Movies, People, Race, Relationships, Television, Terrorism, World Affairs

≈ 3 Comments

Tags

asshat, backwater shithole, Baseball, brilliant dirty weirdos, Bush 41, Charlie Estevez, Charlie Sheen, Charlie Sheen is a drugged-out wifebeater, Charlie Sheen Will Never Escape The Brat Pack's Terrible Event Horizon, choking game, comical despots, Confucius, cooze, crazy bastard, Dear Leader, Dr. Grigori Perelman, dwarf, Gary Coleman, George Bush Sr., George Herbert Walker Bush, hemp, herpes, hippies, huffing, India, Jackpot, K2, Kim Jong-il, lactating, lesbians, LiLo, Lindsay Lohan, marijuana, midget, Milton Bradley, Milton Bradley is batshit crazy, Morris the Cat, Nevada, not what you were looking for?, pot, reefer, Shannon Price, small black actor, sniper, Somali pirates, sweet sweet cheeba, Thinksquad, Wal-Mart, Wal-Mart is evil, weed, Wikipedia, your mother must be very proud, Zen koan

By Smaktakula

We would like to believe that of the nearly 800,000 hits* Promethean Times receives daily, each is a reader who set out specifically to find us.  Of course, this is sometimes not the case.

Here are some of the keywords (noted by boldface) used by folks whom we suspect–and in one or two cases, hope–found us by accident.

small black actor died We can do that.

gary coleman death pictures He was a beautiful human being, and now he’s gone.  What the hell is wrong with you people?

lindsay lohan child pics We’re hoping you mean stills from her films.  We can help you here and here.  But if that’s not what you mean, maybe this is more your speed, Creepo.

Morris the Cat baseball We couldn’t help this guy out, but we’re just glad somebody read Smaktakula’s piece on Morris.

K2 We can do that.

huffing And that.

choking game That too.

somali pirates We can do that.

freshy somalis Um.

backwater shithole We can do that.

proud herpes There’s a proud kind?  Damn.  Smaktakula  kinda wishes he hadn’t rushed out and bought the shameful kind.

difference between a midget and a dwarf You got us.  Try Wikipedia, Asshat.

bush pukes on japanese We can do that.

lesbian lactating Ew.  We don’t do that.  Please return to the fetid basement apartment from which you came.

kim jong il sad Try Thinksquad.  Those crazy bastards are fucking with the Dear Leader as we speak.

dirty russian Hmm.  Hope you were looking for our pal, Grigori.

shannon price evil And a cooze!

pictures mexican children No, however we are in possession of some awesome nude shots of your mom.  Inquire for purchase.

what are the pathos at walmart Damn, Confucius, we could meditate on that Zen koan for years.  In the meantime, try this.

fuck off marijuana Indeed. And take the hippies with you!

charlie sheen first amendment It’s true that Mr. Sheen is a first-rate legal scholar, but we examine other aspects of the Sheen Mystique here and here.

is milton bradley crazy Yes, he is.

giant playground-mcdonalds Were we able to help you?

indian sniper We can do that.

man fuck a horse Your mother must be very proud.

*Note: This figure may not correspond with reality.

Michael Steele: Cut And Run

02 Friday Jul 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Duh, General Foolishness, History, National Events, People, Politics, Terrorism

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

Afghanistan, Barack Obama, black Republicans, blunder, douchebaggery, encephalitis is no laughing matter, George W. Bush, idiotic comments, incompetent boobery, jackassery, Michael Steele, Michael Steele is a boob, Republican National Committee, Republicans, RNC, war of Obama's choosing

By Smaktakula

Michael Steele’s impotent tenure as Chairman of the Republican National Committee has come to the sad end everyone has long expected.  Steele, who aside from being a black Republican is best known for his remarkably incompetent boobery, recently referred to the Afghan conflict as ‘a war of Obama’s choosing.’  This claim is absolutely true, if by Obama he means George W. Bush.  Otherwise, it’s pretty idiotic.    

But Steele wasn’t done: “This was not something that the United States had actively prosecuted or wanted to engage in,” he said.  This statement is also true, assuming that the “not” was a verbal typo.  If it wasn’t, this statement would sound moronic coming from an encephalic six-year-old.    

"Okay, We've Got Three Happy Meals, Two Milkshakes And An Apple Pie. Would You Care To Supersize It?"

Homeland Security Chooses To Ignore Growing Threat Of Winged Terror

30 Wednesday Jun 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Crime, Critters, General Foolishness, Humor, International Relations, Relationships, Satire, Terrorism, World Affairs

≈ 4 Comments

Tags

Airbus, Alfred Hitchcock, badassery, Birds of a Feather, Blame Canada!, Bush Doctrine, Canada, Canadian geese, Chesley Sullenberger, competence, Does Nature Want You Dead? Yes It Does., four legs good, geese, hero pilot, heroism, La Guardia, New York, North Carolina, pro-avian agenda, suicide attack, Sully, Sully Sullenberger, Terrorism, The Birds, two legs bad, US Airways Flight 1549

By Smaktakula
Note:  This is the third installment in our ongoing environmental series, Does Nature Want You Dead?  Yes It Does. The previous installments are SHAMU Sleeper Agent Wreaks Havoc At Florida Amusement Park and Super-Intelligent Stalker Sharks Plotting Bloody ‘Dorsal Dawn.’

At 3:27 PM on January 15th, 2009 a catastrophe was averted by inches.  Shortly after US Airways Flight 1549 took off from La Guardia International in New York en route to North Carolina’s Charlotte/Douglas,  several geese managed to bring down the Airbus A320 by flying simultaneously into both of the aircraft’s engines.

Levelheadedness and expertise were the only things standing between Flight 1549 and a cataclysmic, horrorshow ending in the steel canyons of New York City.  Capt. Chesley “Sully” Sullenberger, aided by his ice-nerved co-pilot and well-trained crew, was able to wrestle the dying plane into the Hudson River.  Miraculously, all 155 humans on board Flight 1549 survived.

Chesley Sullenberger: His Fierce Badassery Helps Mitigate The Handicap Of Such A Gay Name.

It is fitting and proper that the focus of this incident remain on the lives saved in the face of such impossible odds.  However, that does not excuse turning a blind eye to the fact that several geese–for reasons yet unknown–took out a massive passenger plane with an intricately planned and precisely executed suicide attack that very nearly cost 155 innocent people their lives.  Yet no one is asking, “Why did this happen?”

The exact number of geese involved in taking down Flight 1549 has never been determined.  All the geese who participated in the attack are believed to have perished.  However, witnesses reported seeing a flock fleeing the scene in the seconds after the attack.  To date, not one of these geese has been apprehended.

There have been some troubling indications that a foreign power may be involved.  Almost all witnesses reported that both the attacking geese and those seen fleeing the scene were Canadian Geese.  The FAA claimed to have no knowledge of any scheduled flock along that air route.  The fact remains that several Canadian Geese were flying in American airspace, something no one disputes.  And yet you hear nothing about this from conventional media outlets, particularly those in areas sharing a border with our “friends” to the north.

There was a time when the beak-and-feather set had a healthy respect for humanity.  These birds of yesteryear would have to be content with expressing their displeasure through a well-timed bowel movement.  Their descendants are proving not nearly so patient.

That these birds can strike any plane at any time should terrify all of humanity.  That it does not is an indication of just how far the pro-avian media has pushed its “Birds of a Feather” campaign.  Recently, there have been attempts by several school districts to ban Alfred Hitchcock’s award-winning documentary, The Birds.

The Hollow-Boned Menace Laughs At Our Weakness

The air-travelling public is left with two choices.  The first, an initially more painful: a return to the Bush Doctrine with regards to America’s growing Avian-Aquatic Mammal-Shark problem, and hunt these beasts down where they hide–hunt them down like dogs! . . . dogs that fly or swim.

The second choice is to not make a choice at all.  To continue with feel-good featherist policies–to bury our heads in the sand, in the parlance of our avian enemy–is to sign our death warrant as a species.  As we speak the avian menace has the capacity to take out any aircraft–private, commercial or military–anywhere in the world.  Don’t think they won’t do it.

Crazy Bastard Thwarted In Bid For Awesome, Meaningful Death

17 Thursday Jun 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture, General Foolishness, International Relations, Justice, Middle East, Military, Mythology, National Events, People, Terrorism, World Affairs

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

ailing nutjob, batshit crazy, Bucket-List Rambo, Colorado, crazy bastard, crazy fucker, death by exposure, drugs, Gary Brooks Faulkner, hashish, Nutty Buddy, Osama bin Laden, Pakistan, Pakistani forces, patriots, reckoning, Terrorism, the last sentence is positively Faulknerean, This Ends Here!, Usama Bin Laden, vendettas

Ailing nutjob Gary Brooks Faulkner apparently decided that if his time was short, he’d do his damnedest to drag Osama bin Laden down to hell with him.  Supplied only with the essentials–pistol & ammo, dagger, night-vision goggles and hashish–this nutty buddy somehow made his way from Colorado to Pakistan to go mano a mano with the FBI’s most-wanted man.         

Reportedly, Faulkner didn’t waste valuable energy and time attempting to determine friend from foe.   Anyone foolish enough to approach the Bucket-List Rambo received the same response: wild-eyed death threats.         

Sadly, Pakistani forces managed to capture Faulkner after a tense standoff.  In doing so, they denied this patriotic and batshit crazy American the honor of laying down his life in a knife fight with a cadre of bin Laden’s elite guards, while their master huddles cowering behind them; or of tumbling off a sheer cliff while locked in a death-embrace with bin Laden himself, perhaps voicing a cool exit line like, Neither of us comes back from this one, Osama; or as is a lot more likely, a lonely death from exposure in the vast and trackless wilderness of Pakistan, Faulkner’s final hours haunted by delirium and a maddening thirst, huddling pathetically in the meager shade provided by a boulder while hurling increasingly weak and nonsensical curses at the punishing sun.         

No One Here Gets Out Alive

Is One More Crazy Fucker In Pakistan Really Such A Big Deal? American Detained in Pakistan Had Sights on bin Laden – NYTimes.com.         

Smaktakula

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Iran Sanctions IV: This Time It’s For Reals

11 Friday Jun 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in General Foolishness, International Relations, Middle East, Military, Politics, Regional Politics, Relationships, Terrorism, World Affairs

≈ 3 Comments

Tags

all bark and no bite, comical despots, Hillary Clinton, Iran, Kim Jong-il, North Korea, nuclear ambitions, paper tiger, sanctions, Secretary of State, that trick never works, United Nations, United States of America

The United Nations has signalled that it is once again ready to talk tough with Iran.  US Secretary of State Hillary Clinton promised that the UN’s forthcoming sanctions against Iran’s nuclear program will be the most stringent yet.

It remains for posterity to judge the efficacy of not only these sanctions, but also the inevitable series of future sanctions.

Or, you could ask this gentleman:

Ooooh, The UN Gonna Put Sanctions On Me. I'm Rearry Scared!*

Stop Or I’ll Say Stop Again!: The Associated Press: Clinton says Iran sanctions will be toughest ever.

Smaktakula
*More sensitive readers may feel that we have depicted terrifying muppet Kim Jong-il as speaking like an Asian stereotype.  Nothing could be further from the truth.
In fact, Kim speaks with what is commonly called the Comical Despot Standard Accent.  Speakers with the CDSA experience significant difficulty  when pronouncing ‘L’ sounds.
For any readers who were offended, we suggest you examine your own motives.  It’s very likely you’re a racist.

Political And Media Elites Surprised, Dismayed By Would-Be Terrorist’s Lack Of Whiteness

07 Friday May 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Christianity, Crime, Culture, General Foolishness, International Relations, Islam, Justice, National Events, National Politics, Political Correctness, Race, Relationships, Religion, Terrorism

≈ 3 Comments

Tags

Barack Obama, Contessa Brewer, Eric Holder, Faisal Shahzad, Gitmo, Guantanamo Bay, home-grown terrorism, Islam, Michael Bloomberg, MSNBC, muslims, nanny state, Obama Administration, Obamacare, Political Correctness, Rachel Maddow, radical Islam, Tea Party, teabaggers, Terrorism

By Smaktakula

In the hours following the accidentally foiled Times Square bombing, Washington and the media let the world know just what sort of deranged maniac they were looking for: a disgruntled white guy.  Remember: Timothy McVeigh was white.  So was Ted Kaczynski.  And don’t forget to add Eric Rudolph’s two kills into the shameful annals of American terrorism.

Since then, pretty much every major act of violent terrorism has been committed predominately (by which we mean exclusively) by adherents of Islam*.  The current expectations among fans of Professional International Terrorism (PIT) is that whitey is due for a significant atrocity.

New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg apparently believes that as with his legislation regarding which foods New Yorkers can put in their bodies, his own God-given wisdom trumps facts.  Shortly after the incident, the mayor responsibly opined that while he didn’t really have a clue as to what happened, he was confident enough to prognosticate that the would-be mass murderer would turn out to be an American citizen bitter about Obamacare.

Bloomberg’s mistake is a reasonable one considering that the administration and most of the media have been warning that Tea Party radicals were going to try something crazy.  The media has provided substantial proof for these claims, if one accepts incestuously recycled comments from other “journalists” as proof.

The world was shocked to learn that the alleged bad guy, Faisal Shahzad was not white, nor was he Christian.  He was not a Republican, and apparently did not play college-level lacrosse.

After Shahzad’s lack of Christian whiteness was discovered, MSNBC spokesperson Contessa Brewer expressed dismay that the failed bomber was Islamic, claiming that certain groups would use that fact to their own racist ends.  Presumably this entails spreading the false rumor that people of Islamic faith make poor terrorists.  This is especially galling since Islamic terrorists are considered the cream of the crop when it comes to murderous thugs.

Brewer later backpedalled on her Facebook site, saying she simply didn’t want the terrorist to be of a specific race.  It’s just that there was a specific race and/or religious preference that she didn’t want it to be.

In virtually the same breath, Brewer attempts to justify her statements by pointing to Bloomberg’s latest statements, admonishing Americans not to take out their anger on Pakistani Muslims.  The fact that no major acts of violence against American muslims have occurred since 9/11 is a testament to the efficacy of this sort of pedantic, self-righteous nagging.

Still, until the Obama adminstration and the friendly press can return to the narrative of the white Christian as Public Enemy Number 1, there are going to be some downcast faces:

Thought That White Christian Prisoners Would Help Diversify Gitmo

Say WHAAAAAAAAAAT?!?

This Guy Is Totally Bummed

Hopefully the next terrorist will look like this:

Why Is She So Full Of Hate?

Otherwise it’ll really screw up the narrative.

*Promethean Times wishes to stress our firm stance that Islam is a religion of peace.  Every right-thinking person knows that it is only because of a few misguided individuals and a great many Western bigots that people have this hugely incorrect view of Muslims. Therefore, we feel that any retaliatory action against Promethean Times, including but not limited to fatwas, jihads and other assorted beefs, would be unwarranted.  Not that any Islamic person would perpetrate an act of violence–please see the first sentence in this note regarding Islam being a religion of peace.  But just so we’re clear, if Islamic people were the type to start killing people who said things with which they disagreed (and again, we’re not saying that they are–Religion of Peace!  Religion of Peace!), hopefully they wouldn’t feel the need to revenge themselves against Promethean Times.  Although undoubtedly we have done something to deserve it, for which we are most grievously sorry.  As-Salamu Alaykum

Natural Selection On Display Within Somali Pirate Community

14 Wednesday Apr 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Africa, Crime, Culture, Food, Health, Humor, International Relations, Justice, Military, Satire, Terrorism, World Affairs

≈ 1 Comment

Tags

buccaneers, corsairs, Emil Haagerdäddi, freebooters, Horn of Africa, maritime trade, natural selection, piracy, pirate community, pirates, scurvologists, slackjawed halfwits, Somali pirates, Somalia, Stupid Gene

By Smaktakula

The waters surrounding the Horn of Africa have long served as the historic hunting grounds of Somali pirates.  In the face of such diverse threats as globalization and climate change, the proud Somali buccaneers fight diligently to maintain their way of life.   Now, they may be aiding scientists to better understand how natural selection works in a real-life environment.

Recently, observers of the Somali pirate ecosystem have discovered a disturbing trend.  While most Somali pirates choose as their victims vulnerable vessels which command high ransoms, an increasing number of Somali pirates are attacking navy vessels in seemingly futile actions which almost always result in the pirates’ death or capture.  On the surface this sort of behavior would appear to be so moronic and assbackward as to threaten the Somali pirate community’s very existence.  In actuality, it is this phenomenon which keeps the community vibrant and healthy.

No Country For Old Men: Aging Pirates Like Simon (Above) Can't Afford To Retire

These are rough times for African corsairs.  An increasing number of young men are choosing the time-honored profession, but older pirates are clinging to their jobs, unwilling to trust in the Elderly Somali Pirate Fund, available to those venerable cutthroats who live long enough to reach retirement age at twenty-eight.  At the same time, maritime traffic around the Horn of Africa–a primary source of a Somali pirate’s livelihood–is becoming more scarce.  Compounding the pirates’ woes, those ships which do travel African waters are increasingly well-armed.

Enter the miracle of Natural Selection.  When there are too many pirates in relation to available plunder, nature ensures that the fittest and wiliest pirates live to produce numerous offspring, while pirates with less-favorable attributes are often killed before they can sire more than six or seven young.

His Favorable Genetic Characteristics Ensure A Life Of Swag, Booty and Wenches Wenches Wenches!

For years, scientists have theorized about a possible ‘Stupid Gene’ in humans.  Now, with a seemingly greater number of Somali pirates acting like idiots, scurvologists (maritime piracy scientists) believe they have their proof.  ‘Stupid Gene’ theory postulates that during times of abundance and lack of adversity, the so-called ‘Stupid Gene’ (DDD) rarely manifests.

Stupid Gene proponents claim that the situation in Coastal East Africa demonstrates the soundness of the theory.  Says Dr. Emil Haagerdäddi, a senior fellow at The East Africa Maritime Council, an Omaha, Nebraska-based think tank.

You’ll notice that during the times of abundance–when there are a lot of poorly-defended ships in East African waters, we see fewer pirate casualties.

The really interesting thing is when there are fewer ships off the Horn, and a greater presence of well-armed naval vessels on the lookout for pirates, we’re seeing a lot more dead pirates.  We believe that pirates who exhibit DDD {the ‘Stupid Gene’} are the ones attacking the naval vessels and getting slaughtered for it.

But in this way, healthier and stronger pirates reap the rewards of plunder, and pass on their superior genes to generations of freebooters yet unborn, thus making the community as a whole stronger.  It’s quite beautiful, really.

The 'Stupid Gene': Kind Of A Bummer, But Necessary For The Greater Good

Presumably it’s not as beautiful for those pirates afflicted with DDD, scores of whom perish each month at the hands of navy personnel or well-armed merchant seamen.  Dr. Haagerdäddi counters, “No one cares what stupid people think.”

But scientists do care how stupid people act.  If further scientific research does uncover proof of a ‘Stupid Gene,’ it will go a long way toward answering questions which have for centuries bedeviled philosophers, social scientists and other observers of slackjawed halfwits.

NY Times: Drone Attack Is Said to Kill a Senior Al Qaeda Leader

19 Friday Mar 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in International Relations, Middle East, Military, Terrorism, World Affairs

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

Afghanistan, al Qaeda, corrupt Afghan despot, Hamid Karzai, Hussein al-Yemeni, North Waziristan, Pakistan, secret meetings

On March 8th, in Pakistan’s North Waziristan province, an American drone eliminated al Qaeda bad guy, Hussein al-Yemeni .        

Just so that there’s no hard feelings, I hope somebody checked first to make sure this douchebag wasn’t holding secret meetings with al-Yemeni before the US smoked him:        

Whose Blood And Treasure Will Be Required For Afghanistan?

Hopefully Our Staunch Ally Karzai Won’t Be Upset When He Reads Drone Attack Is Said to Kill a Senior Qaeda Leader – NYTimes.com.

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