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Tag Archives: Republicans

Headlines: The Snake That Grows When You Stroke It

20 Monday Aug 2012

Posted by Smaktakula in Celebrity, Culture, News

≈ 27 Comments

Tags

AIDS, Amtrak, anal bleach, Andorra, Australians, bad cops, Barack Obama, childish sexual innuendo, dope, Ecuador, foot-licking, George W. Bush, GOP, grass, great white shark, headlines, hemp, hipsters, Julian Assange, Las Vegas, Mexico, nerds, penis snake, Peter Jackson, pot, Pussy Riot, racism, reefer, Republicans, Seattle, Smaktakula's distrust of short people, sweet sweet cheeba, weed, WNBA

By Smaktakula

Obama’s Regular Polling Of Swing-State Female Voters Indicates Their Growing Excitement About His Stimulus Measure.

In which our interests lie in the headlines, but not the stories themselves.

***

After 400 Pound Weight Loss, Man Gains the Weight Back ~ But you know what?–He’s a bigger man for it.

Rage Against the Machine Rages Against Paul Ryan ~ Understandable, as taking offense is the band’s Raison d’ être. Raging, man–IT’S JUST WHAT THEY GOTTA DO!!!

Persistence Is Key to Treating Sexual Pain ~ After she’s heard ‘Who’s ready to do the nasty?’ a couple thousand times, she’ll loosen up.

Woman who rescued animals killed by dog ~ Check your local TV listings for the Lifetime Network adaptation of this heartbreaking story, A Dog Called Irony.

Off-Duty Cop Crashes Motorcycle Into Little Girl Then Kills Her Enraged Dad ~ When Officer Onslaught’s actually ON the job, his body count must be through the fucking roof!

“Do You Think They Paint Crosswalks On The Street Just So You Can Cross Wherever You Fucking Feel Like?”

Attacks May Cost Great White Sharks Protected Status ~ If they’re so concerned about that, they might have paused for reflection before gobbling up all those Aussies.

Assange berates United States from Ecuador Embassy balcony ~ Also known as the ‘Pussy Perch.’

Preacher Says He Cures The Sick By Punching And Kicking Them ~ It could work, actually. That’s how Dad finally cured Smaktakula’s bed-wetting.

A Novel Asks Seattle to Laugh at Itself ~ That’s expecting a lot. You’d have better luck trying to convince Las Vegas to show some respect for itself.

Peter Jackson: ‘I’ve Never Actually Read A Comic In My Life’ ~ And lo, a million virginal voices cried out as one.

“From Hell’s Heart, I Stab At Thee!”

When My Crazy Father Actually Lost His Mind ~ That sounds like a tough one to really pin down.

A Guide to Russian Band Pussy Riot’s Oeuvre ~ If you’re unfamiliar with the word ‘oeuvre’, you might be thinking it’s dirty. Sadly, no.

US beats Mexico in Mexico for 1st time ~ It’s not as big a deal as it sounds. There just hasn’t been too much of a need for the US to go to Mexico, what with most of Mexico being here all the time.

An Ex-Wrestling Executive Wins a GOP Primary ~ Yeah, but you know that shit’s all fake, right?

Where Do Sentences Come From? ~ What the hell? Listen, we’re gonna have to insist that you shut that spastic yapper of yours. Yeah, you’re no longer allowed to ask questions.

15 of the Cutest & Shortest Celebrity Men ~ Or 15 celebrity men whose work we no longer take quite as seriously as we once did.

Aside From Portraying Elves At Christmastime, About The Only Use For The Short Is Making Normals Look Really Tall. And Handsome.

The ‘Penis Snake’ Looks Exactly As You’d Think ~ Quite a bit smaller than advertised.

Accused Child Foot Licker Blames President Obama ~ Obama surrogates were quick to counter that Obama had merely inherited the foot-licking situation from President Bush, and furthermore, that ‘foot-licking’ was coded racism.

Pig legs left at proposed mosque; federal probe sought ~ Yeah, somebody’s being a dick, but do we really have to make a federal case out of it? Oh, right–silly fucking us.

Can the WNBA Benefit from Olympic Gold? ~ Hey, anything’s possible, right? First, though–what’s a WNBA?

Quadruple amputee prepares to swim Bering Strait ~ Meanwhile,  his family stoically prepares for a burial at sea.

“Dave, It’s RIGHT THERE! Just Grab The Ring, Man! Dave! Dave!…Damn! Can He Not Hear Me Or Something?”

Comeback of photo booths exposes yearning for what’s real ~ Because nothing’s more real than a glossy, full-color facsimile.

A Complete Guide to ‘Hipster Racism’ ~ “Yeah, right now I like to hate on Andorrks. Andorra is a very small principality in Europe. You probably haven’t heard of it.”

Hassles of Air Travel Push Passengers to Amtrak ~ That Amtrak is pot-friendly doesn’t hurt, either.

Female governors and Rice speakers for GOP ~Aaargh! See? It’s THIS kind of thing that gets people so pissed at the Republicans.  Honestly, would it kill them to say “Female governors and Chinese-Americans?”

9 New No-Nos for Your Parts Down Below ~ Man…NEW ones? Organized religion, political correctness and the era of AIDS have pretty thoroughly circumscribed our options already.

Actually, This One Probably Should Remain A No-No.

Best of Headlines Part I

30 Monday Jul 2012

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture, News, Politics, Science, Sport, Stupidity

≈ 29 Comments

Tags

American Civil War, Arkansas, childish sexual innuendo, drugs, fun with stereotypes, gay people, headlines, hookers, India, Japan, Lady Gaga, Latinos, Leonardo DiCaprio, LiLo, Lindsay Lohan, Los Angeles, nudists, perverts, Republicans, Smaktakula is aware that 'penises' is the accepted plural but if it's good enough for Steinbeck it's good enough for you, Smaktakula's decades-old vendetta against the French, Somalia, STDs, the French, Uranus, US Navy, Yoko Ono, you got a real purty mouth

By Smaktakula

Howdy, folks. Headlines has always been one of our favorite Promethean Times features, and recently it seems to have picked up popularity with our readers. This wasn’t always the case. It might surprise you to know we’ve done 23 of these things over the last couple years. That’s like 575 individual headlines, give or take (we didn’t count). Most of them will deservedly be lost to history–there were a lot of duds in the early posts, but we have chosen sixty or so of our favorites from the first fifteen Headlines posts that are almost certainly new to you. Enjoy them again for the first time! ∞ T.

“No, I Said It Made Me Want To ‘Matriculate.’…What?…Well, Sure–That, Too.”

In Which We Comment On The Headlines, But Leave The Reading To People Who Like To Do That Kind Of Thing

***

Can Your Pet Read Your Mind? ~ What?  Are you a child?  No!

Japan scientist synthesizes meat from human feces ~ Known popularly as ‘The Yoko Ono Story.’

Why Do Republicans Love Pizza?  ~ The same reason everybody else loves pizza.

How the Finns stole Thanksgiving ~ On skis, just like they do everything else.

Why the 2012 Hispanic Vote Doesn’t Matter … Yet ~ Whoa! Looks likes someone’s scrubbing his own floor tonight!

Yeah, I’m Pretty Sure They Heard You. Next Time, Just S-P-E-L-L It Out, Okay?

Did Lohan crash DiCaprio’s party? ~ Look, just because I let you blow me once doesn’t mean you can come to my parties.  Twice, whatever.  Get the fuck out.

Somalis Rip Aid Donors for ‘Failing’ Famine Victims ~ If it bothers you so much, then eat your own damn food.   . . .  Oh, right.  Sit tight, folks.

Scientists plan Uranus probe ~ Heh.

Things You Didn’t Know About Your Penis ~ Please. After decades of rigorous hands-on study of our penii coupled with regular field-testing, there’s very little about our one-eyed heat-seeking moisture missiles that still remains a mystery.

Wearing Only a Smile, Nudists Seek Out the Young and the Naked ~ And how is that different from what sexual predators do?

“What Kind Of Parents Do You Think We Are? When A Hairy, Naked Stranger Asks If He Can Take Teddy To The Beach For The Weekend, You Can Bet We’ll Ask A Few Questions. He Checks Out, Though, And Told Us He’d Have Teddy Back Sometime On Monday Or Tuesday.

Shark expert surprised by great white attack on woman ~ If he’s really such an expert, he should know that they do that.

Los Angeles fire captain held in heroin sting ~ The fire captain is a boy. Boys are called “heroes.”

Housewife to pen memoir ~ This Floor Is Clean makes its hardcover debut next spring!

Sukanya Roy, 14, wins Scripps National Spelling Bee with ‘cymotrichous’ ~ If only Sukanya’s special power could somehow prevent the inevitable playground beatings.

Civil War’s dirty secret about slavery ~ Was that a secret?–Because our 8th grade history teacher just couldn’t shut up about it.

You’d Think He’d Have Been Smart Enough Not To Leave A Paper Trail.

25 members of Congress with lowest net worth ~ How much respect should we have for these mouth-breathers if they can’t even steal right?

When it’s time to run for office, fewer women stand up ~ They do the same thing when it’s time to pee.

Why French Parents Are Superior ~ Does smelling like a turd in rotten-egg sauce stuffed inside the bloated belly of a week-old corpse make you a better parent? Because if it does, we totally get it.

Live: Packers pounding Vikes on the way to 9-0 ~ You know, in certain circles that could mean a bunch of gay men are taking painkillers.  Maybe it does anyway.

Really? The Claim: Excess Weight Raises the Risk of Acne ~ Because it’s that zit on your nose that’s keeping you home on Saturday nights, man-tits.

No, Bro–The Headband Totally Covers It! Rusty, My Man–I Think Tonight Is Finally Your Night!

Tradition forces girls into prostitution ~ “My momma was a ho, just like her momma before her.”

Why My Father Hated India ~ We can give you 1.2 billion perfectly good reasons.

Imperfect teeth are big in Japan ~ Yeah, but everything looks a little bigger in Japan.

Ex-Colorado Sheriff Accused of Trading Drugs for Sex Sits in Jail Named After Him ~ AWK-ward.

Gaga’s scent smells like expensive hookers ~ We prefer the delightful bouquet of burned crack infused with fear-sweat and just a hint of urine that distinguishes so many of today’s down-market hos.

We’d Offer You Our Lunch, But Regrettably,We Lost It Just Moments Ago.

Prevent STDs like a porn star ~ Die of a drug overdose before you’re diagnosed.

Gay rights fight, in Allah’s name ~ You know, just printing the words “Gay” and “Allah” in the same sentence can get you killed.

Rising NBA star sleeps on sofa ~ That’s where a lot of former NBA stars sleep as well.

Ark. cities feel unexplained surge in earthquakes ~ Perhaps God is angry about all the incest.

Navy panel allows openly gay sailor to continue to serve ~ Sounds noble, but remember–we’re talking about the Navy.  If it were to jettison all the gay sailors from its ranks, the US Navy would be left with all the fighting strength of the Cape Cod Yacht Club.

Write Your Own Caption About The US Navy. It Should Contain At Least One Childishly Suggestive Reference (e.g., “Swabbing The Poop Deck!”, “Thar He Blows!” Or “I’m Securing Your Shit Below Deck, Sir!”), And Make Gratuitous Use Of The Word ‘Seamen.’ Support Our Troops!

Recent Headlines Not Included Above

(And Which You May Very Well Have Already Seen)

        • Headlines: 04.03.12
        • Headlines: Titanic Edition
        • Headlines 04.30.12
        • Headlines 05.18.12
        • Headlines 05.24.12
        • Headlines 06.01.12
        • Headlines 06.20.12
        • Headlines 06.29.12
        • Headlines 07.13.12
        • Headlines 07.23.12

Look for Best of Headlines Part II later this week!

Why ‘Your’ Politician Is A Turd

17 Tuesday Jul 2012

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture

≈ 44 Comments

Tags

Barack Obama, Democrats, don't vote stupid, dope, grass, hypocrisy, marijuana, Mitt Romney, Newt Gingrich, politicians, pot, Republicans, sweet sweet cheeba, the reefer, thinkin' 'bout stuff makes my head hurt somethin' turrible, United States of America, weed, Why am I so stupid?

By Smaktakula

If Venality, Stupidity And Incompetence Could Somehow Be Harnessed As Energy, Well, It Might Be Worth Having These Assholes Around.

Although Promethean Times tends to regard all office-seekers as suppurating anal abscesses until they can demonstrably prove otherwise, we are constantly amazed that so few people feel the same. Now, nearly EVERYBODY claims they hold politicians in contempt–complaining about the government is fun and easy after all. But if you begin to name specific politicians, these same people will almost always hold in exception those one or two politicians whom they believe are, unlike all the others, really trying to serve America’s needs. “Oh…well, not Senator Schmidlapp. He really tries to do good things for people.” No, he tries to steer federal funding to his state so that (if he’s ‘clean’) he can secure reelection, or (in the likely event he’s dirty) make some of his cronies rich.

If there’s any better indication that your pet pol is a douchebag, it’s that he (and we don’t mean to exclude lady politicians–those plucky gals have achieved a level of suckdom every bit as pronounced as that of their male counterparts) lies to you constantly. In fact, that’s why you vote for him.

Believes That The Obama Administration Is Trying To Put One Over On The American People. Won’t Show You His Taxes.

Take Obamacare, for example, having inflamed the public once again in light of the Supreme Court’s decision upholding the plan. Two very distinct narratives have emerged from Washington. To know which of these very different scenarios your politician blindly adheres, you need only to look at the letter after his name.

If there’s an R after his name, then it’s a sure-fire guarantee he favors the tableau of a morally bankrupt America which has been decimated by socialized medicine, more akin to the grey homogeneity of the Soviet Bloc than to the America remembered by the true patriots.  Obamacare is the end of life as we know it.

Drug Dealer In High School. Doesn’t Want Sick People To Have Access To Marijuana.

Not so, say the Democrats. If your boy has a D after his name, he believes that Obamacare is the only salvation for a bloated, moribund nation fattening itself on its own entrails. Not only will this miracle panacea halt America’s precipitous decline, but it will rapidly replenish the nation’s coffers, cut down skyrocketing medical costs, and transform America into the Care-Bear land of cuddly goodness it was always meant to be.

So are the Republicans right? The Democrats? Maybe something in between?

“I May Be A Brainless Talking Points Machine, But I’m Smarter Than The Guy Standing Next To Me.”

Here’s what we know, folks: We don’t know. There may be plenty of good reasons to support or oppose this legislation, and it is not unrealistic to believe economic models can predict Obamacare’s effects with some degree of accuracy. But that’s it–it’s a guess, either way. An educated guess? Sure–but a guess nonetheless.

Now, that’s not true–Smaktakula–I’ve seen statistics that show… ~ Yeah, but did you understand them? No you didn’t. You’re trusting an economist who did the number crunching for you. Hey, he might be right–but you don’t know for sure.

Socialized medicine has been tried in other countries and… ~ And this is different. It’s a different plan in a different country. It could work just fine here, or it could be a bust. It’s okay to have an opinion, but remember–you don’t know.

Because of Obamacare, children born today can expect… ~ Okay, now you REALLY don’t know.

He Never Wasted Any Time With Self-Doubt Either.

So you don’t know for sure. Why then, do you believe your politician does? Do you suppose he’s smarter than you are? Have you heard these people talk at any length without a teleprompter? They’re ALL Joe Biden.

So while he may have formed an educated opinion (or just as likely not) as to whether Obamacare will deliver the nation to a magical pixie-land of unending happiness or consign us to the dustbin of history, he really can’t be any more certain of it than you.

Why then, do our politicians on both sides of the aisle and their pet journalists discuss this significant issue with a certainty that would make the most brainwashed cultist look like a half-asser? It’s because they’re turds–turds who have no respect for your intelligence. So please, have a little for yourself and don’t vote stupid.

We Just Know You’re Gonna Vote Stupid.

Whose Pro-Life Is It, Anyway?

27 Sunday May 2012

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture, News, Science, Stupidity

≈ 9 Comments

Tags

abortion, Anti-Choice, clinics, Democrats, evil bigots, fetus, ideological fuzziness, intellectual cowardice, irritating, NOW, Pro Semi-Life, Pro-Abortion, Pro-Choice, Pro-Life, protesters, reproductive freedom, Republicans, sanctity of life, Semi Pro-Life, strident, tame that beast!, Terrorism, women's issues, women's rights

By Smaktakula

If Your Politics Begin And End With Abortion, You Just May Be A Hypocrite.

In so many instances an American’s political allegiance boils down to his or her opinions on abortion.  It makes a certain sense for someone who feels strongly enough about a single issue to be attracted to the political party which shares that view.  A darker corollary is proving increasingly true: more people than ever seem to modify their beliefs on the so-called sanctity of life based on the political party to which they are affiliated.

The foes of legal abortion tend to be Republicans, while those who favor at least some access to abortions align themselves with the Democrats.  The former call themselves pro-life, and the latter pro-choice. The  pro-life and pro-choice movements have tags for one another as well, pro-abortion and anti-choice.

Some Dudes Paradoxically Believe That Self-Emasculation Is Sexy.

That’s quite a bit of name-calling between two groups who, based upon their core tenets, are both pretty hypocritical.  The names these groups give to themselves show how they would like to be perceived as champions of life or of a woman’s freedom to choose her destiny.  In the same spirit, both groups labor diligently to portray themselves as champions against an unspeakable evil.  However, upon closer examination, it seems that both sides tend to go a little fuzzy when it comes to ideological consistency.

Little Girls Play Dress-Up. College Girls (And A Handful Of Bitter Spinsters) Play “I’m Gonna Change The World.”

The most zealous among the Pro-Choice movement do not consider a fetus to be human until it is viable outside the womb, typically late in the third trimester.  This despite the many instances of children born as early as five months who, thanks to advances in technology grow up to lead happy and productive lives.

Man, What Is It With You People And Pictures Of Aborted Fetuses Anyway?

These people regard embryonic humans as commodities, and have no issues whatsoever mortgaging the lives of children today to serve the hypothetical children of tomorrow.  In contrast to this antiseptic callousness is the heated ruthlessness with which the choicers pursue their aims, having no shame in attributing sinister motives to anyone not in lockstep with their vision of a D&C as contraception.  So if Michael J. Fox dies from Parkinson’s, I guess that’s just God’s will, huh?

For Reals? Because That Would Make Your Unborn Fetus Astoundingly Stupid, And We . . . Oh, Right.

However, when the death penalty is mentioned, the bulk of the Pro-Choicers are aghast: The state doesn’t have the right to kill anyone!, they breathlessly intone.  Human life isn’t something to simply be thrown away!

Pro-Life groups, on the other hand, venerate the fetus.  They make no distinction between aborted and unaborted fetuses, and in fact feature ghastly images of aborted fetuses on everything from protest signs to their dinnerware.  In their mission to save a billion lives of the yet-unborn, they see nothing wrong in terrifying and humiliating the young women who, sometimes in the direst circumstances, find their way to a clinic.  Moreover, the more lunatic among them see nothing ironic in blowing up clinics, killing doctors or various other terroristic acts in an effort to show how much God values human life.

“Look Honey! He’s Even Drawn A Little Aborted Fetus On There. Well Isn’t That Just The Cutest Thing You Ever Saw?”

However, the Pro-Life view of the death penalty harkens back to the Old Testament’s call for An eye for an eye.  On this issue, it seems, theirs is a God of vengeance and retribution.

One thing which quickly becomes clear is that while both the Pro-Life movement and the Pro-Choice movement would like very much to believe that their politics stem from a clear and delineated moral code, it just isn’t so.

Both of these self-righteous influence gangs will continue to wrap themselves in terms like Choice and Life, words which their own one-sided agendas have rendered meaningless.  Instead of Pro-Life and Pro-Choice, why don’t we call these hypocrites what they really are?: Pro Semi-Life and Semi Pro-Life.

We Don’t Think You’ll Have To Fight Too Hard To Keep Those Hands Out Of Your Vaginas. Also, Lady Schick Has A Product For That.

Promethean Times Endorses Newt Gingrich

31 Tuesday Jan 2012

Posted by Smaktakula in Celebrity, Culture, News, Politics

≈ 7 Comments

Tags

ambition, bad decisions, cruelty, douchebaggery, GOP, Great Depression, Newt Gingrich, political endorsements, Republicans, ridiculous nicknames, short memory, United States of America, venality, Washington Insider, Washington Outsider

Promethean Times Editorial Staff

Just Look At The Man; You Can See How Much He Cares.

It just wouldn’t be an election cycle without some earnest gasbag telling you that this election is the most important in our lifetimes. This platitude becomes especially poignant in 2012–the most important election of our lifetimes. With the nation’s economy in tatters, our remaining resources bled by unsupportable foreign adventurism, and possessed of a moral and spiritual despondency heretofore unseen since the Great Depression, about the only thing left for Americans to do is to close their eyes, step down hard on the gas pedal and pray that the next life is more kind.

Family Values Are Just Like Any Other Value, And There’s A Lot Of Value In Chucking The Old Model When A New One Comes Along.

Unless we wish to see our national demise become a painful, drawn-out affair, the US needs a president who, like Samson of the Bible, will in his last breath tear down the pillars of society, who will remain unburdened by the prudish notions of loyalty and marital fidelity and for whom the truth is but another tool in his masterful arsenal. Now, more than ever, America needs Newt Gingrich.

‘King Of The Hill.’ That’s What They Used To Call Newt Before He Became A Washington Outsider.

Come on folks, let’s turn into the skid!

Venality ♥ Cruelty ♥ Ambition

Promethean Times’ 2011 Person Of The Year: Us Again

30 Friday Dec 2011

Posted by Smaktakula in Celebrity, Crime, Culture, Entertainment, History, News, Politics, Religion

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

'Lil Kim, 1492, 2010, 2011, 2012, Afghanistan, Amy Winehouse, Arab Spring, Armenian Genocide, Arnold Schwarzenegger, arson, Barack Obama, California, Celebrity Death Watch, Charlie Sheen, Cleveland, Code Pink, Democratic Republic of Congo, Democrats, Diana Spencer, Dirk Nowitzki, dumb kids and the dumb things they do to fuck up their lives, ennui, Fidel Castro, Flower of American Skankhood, Gabby Giffords, gay people, Jani Lane, John Boehner, Julius Malema, Kate Middleton, Kim Jong-il, Kim Jong-un, Kim Kardashian, LeBron James, Leslie Nielsen, Lewis County, Libya, LiLo, Lindsay Lohan, Mayans, Muammar al-Gaddafi, muslims, Nancy Pelosi, narcos, North Korea, Oakland, Occupy, Osama bin Laden, places that suck, Prince William, prognostication, Promethean Times' Person of the Year, puppy-killing, Randy 'Macho Man' Savage, Rapture, Republicans, Robert Mugabe, San Francisco, self-promotion so shameless that it borders on hucksterism, Smaktakula is aware that 'penises' is the accepted plural but if it's good enough for Steinbeck it's good enough for us, Smaktakula's decades-old vendetta against the French, Smaktakula's vendetta against Lewis County, South Africa, Steve Jobs, Tea Party, the cult-like devotion accorded to Steve Jobs by effete Mac users, the French, the West, United States of America, Washington State, Zimbabwe

By The Promethean Times Editorial Staff

We Looked Among All The Nations Of The World, And Could Find None More Deserving Of Our Praise.

We’ll admit it–we didn’t think it would come to this.  We figured we’d be rich by now, or at the very least the Rapture would have freed us from our myriad woes.  Since it didn’t (it didn’t, right?), we’ve picked ourselves up and resolved to make a game go of it.  Moreover, we’re concentrating our hopes on the admittedly feeble chances the Mayans were right in predicting doom for 2012, and that very soon sweet nothingness will obliterate the pain that is existence.

Turns Out Somebody Made A Calculation Error When They Came Up With The 2012 Date. The Revised Figure Is 1492.

Until then, though, we’re even more delighted that, last December, we were the inaugural winner of the Promethean Times’ Person of the Year.  Now, as we say goodbye to what we call ‘The Year of Promethean Times,’ it’s time to recognize a new mover and/or shaker for his/her/its contribution or impact to our world.

Having outstripped the rest of the field by light-years in the 2010 contest, Promethean Times could be forgiven for feeling like it has an edge in this year’s selection.  After all, no one disputes that Promethean Times’ many, many contributions to the betterment of society rank among the more significant developments in 2011.  Still, the beloved news journal remains humble.  “Would we like to repeat?” asks Smaktakula, lead writer, “Absolutely–who wouldn’t?  But we’ve got important events to cover, and we can’t really spend time thinking about things like that.  Besides,” he adds, “Some other stuff happened.”

Among that stuff was a string of dead dicks, despots and men of low character.  2011 bid farewell to a number of those comical tyrants who, through nothing more than style, a ridiculous outfit and balls the size of grapefruit, commanded legions to do their bidding.   Osama bin Laden’s cringing demise among  the fluid-spattered catacombs of his porn library taught us all to laugh again, while the image of Keystone Cops stumbling after wacky sand-despot Muammar Gaddafi in a madcap chase aross the Libyan desert gave us reason to laugh even harder.  The ascendance of Steve Jobs and Kim Jong-il to their respective heavenly kingdoms reminded us that Gods too can die.

Among The Many Proposed Reforms Of The 'Arab Spring' Which Began In The Winter Of 2011 Is A Calendar That's Worth A Damn.

Fortunately, the world is in no immediate danger of losing its megalomaniacal dickheads–it seems as if for every despot hanged, another sprouts from the puddle of piss at his twitching feet.  The loss of ‘Lil Kim was a blow for North Korea, but made easier when Kim Jong-un waddled into his father’s shoes and accepted his mandate to drive the shitstain of a country further into the ground. Africa maintained its preeminence for venal strongmen throughout 2011, with brutal racist Robert Mugabe of Zimbabwe single-lippedly keeping alive the Hitler Mustache, while Julius Malema, an exciting new face on the South African scene, promises to continue the ruination of the one-time economic powerhouse.  And throughout the world, Muslims continued to blow things up in protest of the western world’s inexplicable and persistent view of Muslims as violent and reactionary.  The West countered with fiercely abject apologies.

Fidel's Still Hanging In There.

Another theme embraced wholeheartedly worldwide was indignation.  Contrary to the age-old adage, “What goes up must inevitably continue to do so,” 2011 saw a further decline in the still-ridiculous standard of living enjoyed by the West.  Like going out to lunch with Grandma, the belief arose that it was enough to wait it out, and somebody would eventually pick up the check.  The jarring reality that Grandma died during a visit to the ladies’ room brought angry people into the streets.  In America, this phenomenon took the form of “Occupy Wall Street,” a Tea Party for the under-40 crowd, who still like to break things and enjoy the novelty of humping in Liberty Park, where rank coils of human feces suffice for scented candles and complete exposure for privacy.

For Real, We Totally Would.--Only, It Smells Like Pee And There's A Ton Of Poor People Walking Around.

The year was momentous for the United States.  Although ending its involvement in Iraq (kinda, not really) the US steadfastly continued interminable bank-busting conflicts in places like Afghanistan, while also embarking on other daring adventures such as temporary conflicts in Libya and a secret war¹ in the Democratic Republic of Congo.  On the home front, the government turned its attention against homegrown enemies, like pot shops in California, while Operation Fast & Furious ensured that narcos and Mexican Army assassins could continue to terrorize the citizenry of the failed state and disappear the occasional American tourist.

The year began with the Arizona shooting that turned US Representative Gabby Giffords into a living martyr, and the rest of the nation into a gang of loudmouthed assholes.  Throughout the year the citizenry continued the tradition of killing one another, often in new and surprising ways.

America: Where Our Unsettling Anthropomorphic Monsters Are Just A Little Bit More Patriotic.

President Obama was once again unable to deliver on his promise to make the United States a magical Care Bear land of milk & honey scented with the sweet strains of children’s choirs singing liltingly of the unifying joy of diversity, but from their bastions in college quads and Code Pink meeting-houses, the President’s dwindling cadre of  true believers assured us it was Republican obstructionism.  And secret racism.  Republicans countered that their sole aim was to restore sanity to a beleaguered nation, and promised that only as a last resort would they burn the fucking thing to the ground.

The Bad News Is That Rome Is Burning. The Good News Is That Everyone In Our Studio Audience Will Be Going Home Tonight With Shiny New Fiddles!

Political penii² proved productive in promoting prick-principled puns, as well as gratuitous alliteration.  The destructive power of the penis was ably demonstrated by Arnold Schwarzenegger, who showed us that even a wealthy Hollywood/Government powerhouse with an even richer (albeit skeletal) wife will fuck an ugly woman if given the opportunity.  Late night talk-show hosts methodically shook every last droplet of humor from the Weiner situation, before putting away their pricks at the disgraced NY Rep.

Political mores and identities changed more than ever, particularly in institutions such as the US Military.  The US Navy broadened its long and proud tradition of maritime homosexuality by allowing gays to be open about it.  At the same time, former Gay Mecca San Francisco saw its fabulousness eclipsed in favor of dumps like Oakland and Cleveland.  Meanwhile, in Washington State’s rural Lewis County, citizens continued their proud practice of frequent–and flagrantly public–sexual congress with barnyard animals.

For Newlyweds Lisa And Bingo Lamb, A Day At The Fair Is A Great Reason To Dress Up.

As did the death of beautiful paper-doll Diana Spencer over a decade before, the wedding of Prince William to commoner Kate Middleton proved Americans are still fascinated with the royal family from which their forefathers once strove so mightily to emancipate themselves.  Although America does not have a royalty per se, the Twenty-First Century has seen the rise of a new class of publicly-owned do-nothings.  Paramount among these is the vile Kardashian Klan, a bloodline and marriage-based conglomerate that may just be the strongest argument yet advanced in support of the Armenian Holocaust.³  Kim Kardashian’s sham-marriage to basketball legend somebody-or-other netted the vapid perfume-tycoon more money than you’re likely to see in a thousand lifetimes.

There were a few stars whom we were relieved to see survive 2011, not least because their delightfully destructive antics provide regular low-hanging fruit for Promethean Times.  Toothless cretin Charlie Sheen managed to bring his life and career to a shattering halt, suffering the additional injury of losing his place in America’s most beloved half-hour of insipidity to a genial retard.  Yet through a heroic lack of self-awareness and the public’s perverse predilection for the doomed, the former Carlos Estevez is more popular than ever.  The same cannot be said for Lindsay Lohan, once hailed as ‘The Flower of American Skankhood,’ who like Sheen, is one of 2012’s most likely fatalities.  Despite a loving and supportive family, worldwide adoration and impeccable personal hygiene, the only audience to prove capable of tolerating LiLo’s act for any length of time were her customers at the LA County Morgue.

It Gets A Lot Less Sexy When You Realize She'll Be Dead Soon.

Sport continued to be a necessary diversion around the world, uniting and dividing people not by races or ethnicity, but by the overpriced merchandise they wore.  In American sports, Jesus, sole scion of the Jehovah Dynasty, briefly tried His hand at football before quietly retiring once again to the sidelines, much to the dismay of football fans in the Mountain States.  Although a strike marred the beginning of the 2011-2012 NBA season, the 2010-2011 season ended in a thrilling contest that satisfied both haters of LeBron James and fans of Schadenfreude in general.  In what was nearly universally regarded as a black year for baseball, the one bright spot was the continuing absence of a World Series trophy in the Lone Star State.  And in sports outside of America’s shores, a group of Japanese ladies won some soccer thing.

A Little Bit Like Schnitzel.

With all these notable events and people, both tragic and sublime, from which to choose, our editors had an unenviable task in determining Promethean Times’ Person of the Year for 2011.  It was only after a thorough and at-times grueling vetting process, at several points during which the acrimony grew both increasingly bitter and ad hominem, that the worthy candidate emerged.  Promethean Times is proud to name as this year’s Promethean Times’ Person of the Year and our first two-time back-to-back recipient, Promethean Times, honoring the venerable publication for its indefatigable and often thankless dedication to fighting the barbaric practice of puppy-killing.

Bravo, Promethean Times.

NEVER AGAIN.

To The Dear Friends To Whom We Bid Farewell In 2011: May You Find Yourselves In Heaven Before The Devil Knows You’re Dead:

Amy Might Still Be Alive If She Had Filled Her Drug-Pipe With Harmless Tobacco Instead Of What She Actually Filled It With--Drugs.

The Thing We'll Miss Most? The Laughter.

CNN News Personality Anderson Cooper Was Too Beautiful To Live.

Sure, It's A Tragedy For The Ages, But We Take Some Small Consolation In The Knowledge That There's One Less Drunk On The Streets Tonight.

Quiet, Modest And Unassuming, Mr. Savage Exemplified The Qualities For Which America Is Admired Across The Globe.

Get It? We're Being Metaphorical. Trust Us, Chicks Dig Metaphors.

The Colonel's Friends All Believed It Was Gaddafi's Fascination With Thriller-Era Michael Jackson That Prevented His Promotion To General.

This Beautiful Creature Learned Too Late That If Something Lives, The Germans Will Find A Way To Kill It.

This One Time, When Smaktakula Was In Juvenile Hall On An Arson Charge, He Met A Guy Who Claimed To Be Jani Lane's Half-Brother, And Damned If The Kid Didn't Look Just Like Him. No, That's It.

Old Friend, We'll Miss You Most Of All. Circumstances Demand That We Dispense With The Childish, Insensitive Caricatures Upon Which We So Often Rely, But Rather, Respect Your Culture By Offering You A Farewell Not Only More Dignified, But In Keeping With The Proud Traditions Of Korea. In This Last Hour, Dear Leader, We Say Simply, "Sayonara."

¹ While it’s not actually a secret that 100 US ‘advisers’ have been sent to the DRC to help combat the Lord’s Resistance Army, it might as well be for all the media talks about it. ∞T.
² ‘Penises’ is the accepted plural of ‘penis,’ but Promethean Times has always been, and will forever proudly remain, a penii-loving publication.  ∞T.
³ It’s a joke, Tanzr–don’t let it curdle your yogurt soda.  Yes, what happened to your great-great aunt whatsername at the hands of the Turks all those years was a tragedy, but at least we provided a link to Wikipedia.  That’s a hell of a lot more than the US Government ever did. ∞T.

The Donald To Moderate Republican Debate

05 Monday Dec 2011

Posted by Smaktakula in Celebrity, News, Politics

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

class, debates, Donald Trump, Republicans, the Donald, unctuous pimp, vulgarity

By Smaktakula

For those who’ve yet to take their fill of those innumerable, thrill-a-minute Republican debates, comes the exciting news that Donald Trump will be moderating the December 27th affair.

The Donald Is Known For Bringing Panache And Glitz To Humdrum Events, And The Republican Debate Will Be No Exception. "This Will Be A Classy Affair," Says Trump, "People Who Witness It Will Be Crapping Out Class For Weeks Afterward."

Headlines 10.07.11

07 Friday Oct 2011

Posted by Smaktakula in Crime, Culture, History, News, Politics

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

Africa, African famine, Ashton Kutcher, Barack Obama, Bill Clinton, Budweiser, butterface, death by drowning, debt crisis, Democrats, Europe, great white shark, headlines, hos, Indiana, living in a van down by the river, Matt Foley, Mississippi, online dating, perverts, pizza, Poltergeist, prostitution, Republicans, reset button, skunky beer, Somalia, South Korea, Tanzania, tapeworms, TV for idiots, Two and a Half Men, United States of America, vegans, Vermont, White House, you're welcome

By Smaktakula

Well, Bless Their Hearts.

In which we opine on the latest headlines, without bothering to first read the stories.

***

Seoul to Introduce Female-Only Subway Cars 

  • Korean perverts to introduce hidden cameras to female-only subway cars.

Early Adversity, Adult Misery: How Small Events Trigger Depression

  • It’s true–every whiny bitch was once a whiny little bitch.

Suspect arrested while trying to bail out ally 

  • There is honor among thieves, just no common sense.

Bill Clinton, on his 65th birthday, has gone vegan

  •  That’s a misprint.  Rather than ‘gone vegan’ it should read ‘done Meagan.’

Like You’d Do Any Differently In His Position.

Exposed coffins, destroyed homes in Vt. town

  • Sweet!  A Poltergeist remake.

Deportation policy angers bloggers

  • Yeah, but when you have no real friends and a surfeit of free time, you tend to get irritated pretty easily.

Tradition forces girls into prostitution 

  • “My momma was a ho, just like her momma before her.”

Why Do Republicans Love Pizza? 

  • The same reason everybody else loves pizza.

Beachgoers in Venice Rescue Stranded Great White Shark 

  • The freed predator wasted no time before devouring a surfer.

Europe’s debt could sink US

  •  This is hardly the first time Europe has rung up a bill the US was obliged to pay.

Avez-Vous Des Remerciements? Non? Ah, C’est La Vie.

Indiana State Fair stage collapse claims sixth victim 

  • Is that thing still on the loose?

Somalis Rip Aid Donors for ‘Failing’ Famine Victims 

  • If it bothers you so much, eat your own damn food.   . . .  Oh, right.  Sit tight, folks.

Online dating? Why no one wants you 

  • Don’t feel bad; attraction is a matter of personal preference, and is influenced by myriad subjective factors.  Remember, it’s not you who’s repellant, but rather your personality and physical appearance.

It’s Like Putting Fancy Rims On A ’78 Pacer.

President Obama goes for a reset on jobs 

  • Because neither ‘Do Over’ nor ‘We Take It Back‘ sounded quite right.

Ashton Kutcher’s second ‘Two and a Half Men’ episode: Do we still care?

  • That you ever did says a lot about you.

White House Future Is Now, Many Republicans Conclude

  •  No, by definition, now is the present and the future is yet to come.  And they say the Democrats can’t get their shit together.

Funk Legend Living In A Van 

  • The van’s funk is said to be legendary.

The Most Highly-Prized Locale For The Van-Dweller Is, Of Course, Down By The River.

Tanzania: Horror As 180 People Perish in Ferry Accident 

  • Dear God!  At times like this, when the soul reels in shock and disbelief, we must remember that . . . HOLD ON!  Forget about that–Our affiliate in Tuscaloosa is reporting that a cute white girl has gone missing!

Why I Don’t Drink Budweiser…and Why I’m Not Alone

  • Because fermented goat semen just doesn’t taste that hot.

How Did the Robot End Up With My Job? 

  • For starters, the LaborTron3K doesn’t come to work hung over, steal paperclips or grope the copy boy.  Plus, you’re ugly.

How this strange African fruit is making Americans skinny.

  • The secret is tapeworms.

Proper Sanitation And Hygiene Save Lives.

See Also:

  • Promethean Times Responds To The Headlines
  • Headlines II
  • Headlines III
  • Headlines IV
  • Headlines V
  • Headlines VI
  • Headlines VII
  • Headlines VIII

Jabba The Hutt Mulls Republican Bid

29 Thursday Sep 2011

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture, News, Politics

≈ 2 Comments

Tags

Donald Trump, Elena Kagan, GOP, Gov. Chris Christie, Jabba the Hutt, Republicans, Salacious Crumb, Smaktakula's hypocrisy can sometimes be astounding, the Donald, Why am I so fat?

By Smaktakula

The Infant Was Snatched From His Hand Just Before This Picture Was Taken.

Republicans are giddy with the rumors that famed intergalactic crimelord Jabba the Hutt is mulling a bid for their party’s nomination.  Although the gelatinous gangster denies the rumors, supporters say that Jabba’s no-nonsense approach to fiscal policy, proven opposition to smugglers and fanatical hatred of unions puts him in good stead with the conservative elite.  Moreover, Jabba’s backers contend that although he is a grotesquely bloated slug with comically vestigial limbs, he’s still both more appealing and electable than Donald Trump.

"Plus, He's Got Better Hair."

What?  We did it to Elena Kagan, too.  Our shallow cruelties are beholden to no political party. ∞T.

OC Republicans Take Racism To New Low

18 Monday Apr 2011

Posted by Smaktakula in News, Politics, Stupidity

≈ 3 Comments

Tags

Barack Obama, California, double standards, George W. Bush, GOP, hypersensitivity, hypocrisy, imaginary racism, Klansmen, opossums, Orange County, racism, Republican Party, Republicans, Sarah Palin, sexism

By Smaktakula

OC Republicans Enjoying Their Semi-Annual Retreat At Dana Point.

Just when America thinks it has a handle on its deep-seated racism, something comes along to stir the flames.  Marilyn Davenport, a member of the Orange County Republican Committee, recently circulated an email with a picture of President Obama’s face superimposed on an ape’s body.

Although Davenport ridiculously claims not to have considered the President’s race when sending out this bigoted email, most commentators were able to see through her diaphanous veil of chicanery.  To call this ugly attack on the President–and all African-Americans–anything other than racism is to deny reality.

Although the Republicans will no doubt attempt to throw Davenport under the bus by stripping her of her position, it’s highly probable that many share Davenport’s pernicious views.  Although many Republicans voted for Obama in 2008, making the United States the first Western nation to elect a black man as Chief Executive, it’s likely they voted this way so that they could finally take their hate to a national level.

This Is The Kind Of Sexist Filth That--Oh Wait--Is That Sarah Palin? Funny Stuff!

Here’s a simple primer, with several acceptable images and one which is offensive:

This Is Not Racist.

Nor This.

Still Not Racist.

Cool.

This Is Fine.

george bush monkey

This One Is Also Okay.

Completely Free Of Racial Animus.

Acceptable.

Obama monkey

This Is Simply Vile. We Are So Sorry You Had To See This.

On a related note:
Car Seat In Asia - Creative Car Seat That Was Passed Down From Kid To Kid

Is It Ever Okay To Compare A Person Or Group Of People To A Family Of Opossums? No, Not For Any Particular Reason--We Were Just Wondering.

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