Tag Archives: Emil Haagerdäddi

Who Killed Heidi The Cross-Eyed ‘Possum?

30 Friday Sep 2011

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By Smaktakula

Heidi: Too Beautiful To Live.

The Germans did, of course.

Leipzig, Germany–Heidi, the famed special-needs opossum, has died recently under circumstances Promethean Times deems mysterious.  The beloved monstrosity was three and a half years old.

We first encountered Heidi while researching our August 15th story, ‘Possums: Impossumable Not To Love, and like so many others, we were charmed by the malformed marsupial.  When at that time we expressed doubts about the level of care Heidi  would receive at the hands of the Germans,  we had no idea how soon those fears would prove prophetic.

Heidi died shortly after receiving a lethal injection administered by Leipzig Zoo staff.  The sentence was carried out on the orders of as-yet-unidentified veterinarian, who indicated that the creature was listless and unable to move due to advancing age, and that the killing was a mercy.

What's Really Strange Is That The Germans Have Such A Great Track Record. If You Don't Count That One Thing.

Others aren’t so sure.  “They’re lying to us, and the public is swallowing it up,” says opossum  ophthalmologist Dr. Emil Haagerdäddi.  “You’re telling me that a three-year old opossum just ups and dies of old age?  Ridiculous!  I have a boy who’s that age–and I can assure you, he’s got ten, maybe fifteen good years ahead of him.”

Unfortunately, it may be years before an accurate picture of Heidi’s final days emerges–if the truth is ever known.  Until that hoped-for day, a shocked and grieving world must content itself with the inspiring memory of this brave creature whom God never intended to live.

You will be missed, Heidi.

The Leipzig Zoo Is Still Making Money From Its Freak Act, So In A Way, Everybody Wins.

Below are some images of the beautiful soul who was taken too early.  For proper effect, allow the YouTube video to play while you peruse the gallery.

Driving Miss Lotus

26 Monday Sep 2011

Posted by in Crime, Culture

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By Smaktakula

The public’s flaccid attentions twitched briefly in response to a recent viral video from China which shows a very young girl navigating an SUV on a busy street.  Although condemnation promptly issued from the four corners of the globe, Chinese officials admitted their hands were tied:

Local police spokesman Li Xiaobin revealed that there was very little they could do, under Chinese law.

“Kids absolutely are not allowed to drive,” he said. “However, as for drivers under 14 years old, we can’t give them tickets.

This is a surprising admission of powerlessness from China, which only twenty years ago set a shining example to the world as a paragon of tyrannical repression, a bloody trail of tank-mashed protesters to prove it.  However, in keeping with the spirit of the old China, one unnamed official did mention the possibility of re-education for the child’s parents.  Re-education, it should be noted, is one of the myriad Chinese euphemisms for “torture and likely execution.”

Some experts caution that the affair is overblown.  According to Dr. Emil Haagerdäddi of the Council for Responsible Asian Steering Habits (CRASH), “Studies have shown that the average Chinese citizen demonstrates all the driving skill of a hydrocephalic monkey with a bad crack habit, so a bright four-year-old behind the wheel could only be a boon to public safety.”

A More Serious Threat To Pedestrians Than You Might Think.

Millions Of Americans Upside-Down On Car Loans

07 Wednesday Sep 2011

Posted by in Culture, News, Stupidity

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By Smaktakula

Hard-Working Americans Can No Longer Consider Their Cars A Solid Investment.

When Martin Johnson bought his 2009 Kia Spectra two years ago, he had every reason to believe he was making a solid investment.   Car ownership has traditionally been a lifelong dream for many Americans, including Johnson, whose parents had owned a vehicle when he was growing up.  “I remember how proud Dad was of that thing,” Johnson says, remembering the 1978 AMC Pacer that served as the family’s vehicle for fourteen years and would inspire the younger Johnson to purchase an automobile of his own.  “I’d been renting a car for years.  Ownership just seemed like the next step.”

As Unbelievable As It Sounds, If Current Trends Continue, Detroit May Someday Become An Unlivable Hell-Hole.

When he went to apply, Johnson found that it was easy to get a car loan–almost too easy.  “I see now that it was irresponsible lending practices,” he admits, “But at the time, I just thought, ‘Well all right!  A Car.'”  Johnson fell for what experts say is the biggest scam in the industry.  “Automobiles are dogs; they’re only going to lose value,” says Dr. Emil Haagerdäddi, a vehicle-investment guru, “And the car companies already  know that!”

"I Thought A Hummer Would Provide Much-Needed Financial Security In My Old Age!"

Like many people, Johnson viewed his automobile purchase as a nest egg.  “I thought I’d take my $15,250 investment, put in a couple thousand in upgrades, then turn around and sell it for $25,000 or so.  That’s the American dream, right?”  The question hangs in the air, as much an indictment on the times as an interrogative.

Washington Fatcats Don't Pay For Their Own Automobiles--The Taxpayers Do!

But like many Americans, Johnson is learning the hard way that the dream may have died.  Just two years on, he’s had to come to terms with his rapidly-failing  investment.  “I looked in the Kelly Blue Book this morning,” he says, trying to hold back bitter tears, “$7,200 dollars.  Just $7,200 left of my $15K.  It’s criminal.”  Johnson will most likely have to sell–at a loss–the car he once viewed as his family’s nest egg.  “That’s the hardest part,” he says, “Explaining to my boy that now he may never go to college.  When he asks ‘Why?,’  just what am I supposed to tell him?”

Greedy Capitalists Have Been Fleeing Auto Investments For Years. The Real Money's In Helicopters These Days.

Already Washington is besieged by desperate pleas for relief from thousands of soon-to-be-carless Americans.  Johnson believes it was the government and the Wall Street fatcats who got the nation into this predicament, but lacks the same certainty that these institutions have the wherewithal or desire to bail the country out.  Johnson may be more fortunate than most, since he has been planning for such an economic catastrophe for some time.   “I’ve spent the last several years trying to diversify my portfolio,” he says, referring to the collection of Beanie Babies he has locked away somewhere in the garage.  “Once I liquidate those suckers, I’ll be sitting pretty once again.”

The Huge Financial Windfall Smaktakula Will Receive From The Liquidation Of His Collectible Assets Should Give Him The Funds To Wreak A Terrible Vengeance Upon His Many Enemies.

Fatcats!  We just love saying it. ∞T.

Depardieu’s ‘Euro-Nation’ Stunt Deemed Derivative And Unoriginal

18 Thursday Aug 2011

Posted by in Celebrity, Cinema, Crime, Culture, News, Stupidity

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By Smaktakula

Smooth Move, Ex-Lax. Your Mère Must Be Very Proud.

Bloated French nonentity Gèrard Depardieu attempted to make a splash Tuesday morning in what appears to be a copycat urination attack.  The sweaty Euro-pérvert, inexplicably famous for something somewhere, apparently mistook an airplane aisle for a Paris sidewalk, and began to urinate indiscriminately.

Depardieu, Who Often Displays His Cock In Public, Is Seen Here Choking His Chicken.

Depardieu’s boorish behavior marks the second airplane-related act of urination in the past several days.  It has been speculated that the blobbish thespian, who has repeatedly expressed fears that the French are ceding their status as World’s Rudest People to America, was trying to one-up US pissing sensation Robert “Sandy” Vietze.

When You Look At Depardieu's Previous indiscretions, This One Seems Tiny And Insignificant.

If so, this was a mistake says Dr. Emil Haagerdäddi, director of the Harvard Urine Fellowship.  “As with so many things,” Haagerdäddi says, “America did it first and did it better,” explaining that the portly Frenchman couldn’t hope to execute a difficult public urination with the same grace as Vietze, who is both much younger and a trained athlete.

We Hope That In The Future, Depardieu Will Avail Himself Of A More Proper Toilet.

Nothing Good Comes From Touching Yourself

21 Thursday Jul 2011

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By Smaktakula

Back In The Day, The Worst Thing You Had To Worry About Was Going Blind.

Smaktakula’s long-ago Sunday school teacher was on to something–masturbation is a quick road to ruin.  A San Francisco man is fighting for his life after discovering the heartbreaking realities of the devil’s handshake.

The Lame Thing Is That Now It's Like Rubbing An Overcooked Tater Tot.

The  unidentified man apparently burst into flames while pleasuring himself at a local porn shop.  Details remain sketchy at this date, and authorities have yet to determine what precisely transformed the lonely degenerate into a human sparkler.  Two prominent theories have risen to the fore.

The first is based firmly in physics.  A sufficiently vigorous session of self-abuse, explains masturbation scientist Dr. Emil Haagerdäddi of the Reuben Spahnk Institute, could theoretically generate a heat sufficient to set human flesh ablaze.  Others call this notion absurd, pointing out that were such a phenomenon possible, most males would not survive beyond their junior high school years.

A far more likely culprit in the immolation is a wrathful God, Who has long held a position unfriendly to masturbation.  This anti-whacking injunction stretches all the way back to the 38th book of Genesis, where rather than impregnate his brother’s widow, a fellow named Onan takes matters into his own hands and “spills his seed upon the ground,” only to be struck dead by a decidedly unamused Deity.  To bolster their evidence, proponents of this theory claim that God has gained something of a reputation in recent years for an increasing activism, pointing to earlier incidents of vengeance such as the August 2005 episode which is widely believed to have resulted from the Almighty’s dissatisfaction with the current state of Dixieland Jazz.

San Francisco: It's Not Like They Haven't Been Warned.

Marry Me, Stupid

26 Thursday May 2011

Posted by in Culture, Stupidity

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By Smaktakula

The Whitaker-Whitaker Wedding Was The Biggest Shindig Taint Junction Had Seen In Living Memory. The Kids Gorged Themselves On Mayonnaise-Fried Ho-Hos, While The Adults Stood Around Drinking Turpentine From Dixie Cups.*

Throughout history, marriage has held a special place in human society.  It is one of the unique links that unites not just the different peoples of the world, but also every strata of society within individual cultures.  The rich marry, and so do the poor.  Matrimony is enjoyed by the intelligent, and by the very stupid, too.

Although the institution of marriage or some form of monogamy is nearly universal, there are vast gulfs in the way different cultures and subcultures perceive marriage.  In the West, by far the most interesting relationships are between the very dumb.  Virtually every aspect of these dimwitted relationships–the laughter, the crying, the acrimonious arguments at 2:00 AM on the front stoop–is fodder for a voyeuristic public.

Anna Nicole Was Dumb Enough To Go Down On A Microphone, And Yet She Too Found Love. Alas, It Hardly Matters As She's Dead Now.

A Florida couple, just starting out on love’s meth-addled journey, have provided fresh swill for the trough.  The unidentified man and his intended found a way to share with the whole town the good news of their retarded union.

Wanting to declare his love in writing, but rather than employ a method so prosaic as a note, the retarded Romeo spray-painted his proposal on the garage door of a Lehigh Acres home: ‘WILL YOU MARRY ME ALISON?’  The home was not his own.  Alison responded with a spray-painted affirmative.

The Mating Call Of The Red-Throated Methsucker.

“The choice of location is appropriate,” says Dr. Emil Haagerdäddi, chairman Emeritus of the University of Kentucky’s Department of Real American Studies and author of Crackers, Rednecks and Hicks: White Trash Culture in These United States.  “I surmise that the young man’s home–most likely his grandmother’s trailer–is in some way an unsuitable canvas for his purposes.”

Sometimes Temporary Unions Form In Which Only One Partner Is A Moron. In At Least One Instance, This Has Resulted In Teenage Mutant Ninja Herpes.

Unions between idiots are generally encouraged by society, as it keeps feeble genes within certain communities, and limits their introduction among the normals.  Haagerdäddi claims that these fears are overblown, since “These mouth-breathers often lack a chromosome or two, rendering them incapable of reproduction.  They’re essentially mules with opposable thumbs.”

The Doctor cautions, however, that “When they are able to breed, they breed like rabbits.”

The Maury Povich Show Is A Great Resource, Providing Paternity Tests The Unintelligent. We're Rooting For This Guy!

* Or as they’re called in those parts, ‘cups.’  ∞T.

Moronic Song Inspires Moronic Death Threats

29 Friday Apr 2011

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By Smaktakula

Once Upon A Time, Psychos Shot Public Figures To Impress Acclaimed Actresses. Today They'll Do It For Kirstie Alley.

The world has changed a great deal since Mark David Chapman was convinced by overrated teen-angst novel The Catcher in the Rye that John Lennon was a “phony” and needed to die.  Although Chapman will be forever hated as the man who killed John Lennon but didn’t kill Yoko Ono when he had the chance, it must be granted that in selecting the former Beatle as the target for his psychopathic rage, he was certainly aiming high.

Still Alive. Why, God? Why?

In 2011, fringy weirdos are apparently under no compulsion to set such lofty goals for themselves, as evidenced by disturbing news from Anaheim, California that imbecilic viral sensation Rebecca Black has received two death threats.  An unnamed source with the Anaheim PD confirmed the report, saying: “It’s baffling that someone should be upset over this song.”  While admitting it was insipid, aural crack, he added, “But Rebecca has an IQ of 73–she literally doesn’t know what she’s singing–or Auto-Tuning, rather.”

The offensive video:

There are those who remain unconcerned about this incident, denying any link to a wider social trend, reasoning that, after all, Friday is a pretty shitty song.  But a growing number of cultural watchdogs see this as symptomatic of society’s devolution as a whole.  “A few years ago,” says Dr. Emil Haagerdäddi of the Cambridge Institute for Stalker Studies, “This nut would have been gunning for Bono or Kurt Cobain.  But those pukes in Good Charlotte are too highbrow for today’s headcase.  It’s sad, really.”

A Literary Work No Longer Needs To Have Cultural Resonance To Inspire Pathetically Crazed Fans.

It’s too early to tell if the doomsayers are correct in believing that humanity has fallen to such a level that the effect is evidenced even in society’s outliers.  True or not, it’s best to err on the side of caution, and provide a little extra protection for such pop music footnotes as Susan Boyle and that pouty little gay kid from American Idol.

William Hung: This Talentless Blob Fears For His Life.

Hateful Attire Incites Violence

01 Friday Apr 2011

Posted by in Culture, News, Sport

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By Smaktakula

You Wouldn't Sport A Swastika In A Synagogue, Would You?

Chavez Ravine: Yesterday, an unidentified man was given an impromptu lesson in sensitivity after parading around Dodger Stadium in offensive clothing.  In what can only be viewed as a hate-statement, the gentleman is alleged to have been conspicuously displaying articles of clothing bearing the logo of the San Francisco Giants.  Such apparel is not only considered deeply offensive to fans of the Los Angeles Dodgers, but also ritually unclean.

What the man hoped to achieve with this bizarre and provocative act is unclear, but it did attract attention.  Things came to a head when two Dodger fans, possibly attempting to protect their womenfolk from the offensive barrage, found their tormentor and two companions drinking chardonnay spritzers, each politely arguing his own case as the best steward of the environment.

Nathan Bedford Forrest With A Filthy Curve.

The man’s two fair-weather friends are also thought to be San Francisco Giants fans due to the rapidity with which they fled the scene, leaving their companion to his own just desserts.  He was roundly beaten.

“I don’t know what else this man–we’ll call him Bruce Smith-Smythe–expected,” says Dr. Emil Haagerdäddi, a baseball statipscychologist, “This was an unconscionable act that demonstrates how easily Freedom of Speech can be abused.  Much like Koran-burning and the understandable mayhem it incites, this incident teaches us that there are limits to freedom.”

"Be Not Afraid Of The Enemy, My Son. Should He Strike You Down, Your Heavenly Reward Will Be 72 Alyssa Milanos."

Haagerdäddi claims that ‘Smith-Smythe’ never had a chance.  “Although Giants fans have on average a twenty-point advantage in IQ relative to Dodger fans, and tend to make a whole lot more money, it’s just tough for them to get past that nagging ‘pussy’ factor.”

Whether or not he intended it, the provocative pantywaist was shown the pain words can inflict.  There are some who will say that the bigot got off lightly, and there is validity in this contention.  But if even one Giant fan learns from this incident and is able to conquer his hate, then perhaps it will have been worth it.

That Is So Last Year.

Incest: On The Other Hand…

30 Wednesday Mar 2011

Posted by in Crime, Culture, News

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By Smaktakula

Although Both Parties Are Irish, Alcohol Is Only Partially Responsible For This Horror.

The world was aghast to learn that contemptible degenerate Garry Ryan had impregnated his equally loathsome daughter, Penny Lawrence.  Ryan had first proved his douchebag bona fides at the tender age of eighteen when he impregnated and subsequently abandoned Lawrence’s mother, who has since passed away.

The couple met for the first time after Lawrence tracked Ryan down.  Her mother and grandparents having all died by the time she was eighteen, Lawrence felt there was an aching void within her, an emptiness which could only be satisfied by one man–her father.  The morally-ambivalent trollop flew to Houston to be with Ryan, and the pair soon embarked upon a sexual relationship.

According To Legend, Nimrod The Hunter Engaged In An Incestuous Relationship With His Mother, Making Him First And Foremost Among Incestuous Nimrods.

The loving couple was initially greeted by an outpouring of condemnation,  but this rush to judgement was soon tempered by new information.  Although Ryan and Lawrence appeared at first to be degenerate beasts engaging in an abominable act long thought to be an affront to both God Almighty and human sensibilities, it now appears the star-crossed pair may be victims of an insidious disorder: Genetic Sexual Attraction.

Proponents of the GSA theory say that the disorder can compel blood relatives into an incestuous attraction when they meet for the first time as adults.  This attraction, they explain, is due in large part to the natural affinity humans feel for other people with similar facial features.

Don't Be So Quick To Judge: This Happened A Long Time Ago, And Far Far Away.

Says GSA theorist Dr. Emil Haagerdäddi, “GSA is finally gaining acceptance among the scientific fringe.  With more attention being focused on this pernicious disorder, it increases the visibility of other poorly-understood disorders, such as Horse-Fucker Syndrome.  You know, approximately 23% of Oklahoma’s population suffers from HFS.”

However, GSA skeptics–and there are a few–aren’t so sure.  So far, these critics have failed to mount a solid case against GSA, largely confining their arguments to the fact that GSA is recognized by no medical, psychological or legal authority, and moreover that incest has been an unshakable and nearly universal taboo throughout humanity’s long and varied history.

"STEP-Sister? Roger That, Voyager One--You Are Cleared For Take Off."

Despite the known tendency of such unions to produce submoronic banjo prodigies, the Thing Which Should Not Be in Lawrence’s uterus is not believed to be hideously deformed.  Eventually, the couple says they would like to have a second child.

“Guess why!” Ryan demands.  Quick on his heels, Lawrence adds, “Go on, guess!”

Bad Things Happen When Cousins Breed.

Plan To Strand Palin, Gosselin In Alaskan Wilderness Unsuccessful

27 Monday Dec 2010

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By Smaktakula

They're Both Still With Us, By God.

Disappointment greeted the news of an unsuccessful attempt to doom Sarah Palin and Kate Gosselin by stranding them in the Alaskan wilderness.  Crushed supporters likened the effort to other failed historical long shots, such as the Nazi plot to kill Hitler or the disastrous attempt by the United States to free hostages held in Iran.  Said a supporter of the plan, “It would have been worse not to try.”

Fact: From Certain Neighborhoods, You Can See Russia.

Several weeks ago, fans of shitty television were promised the reality team-up of the decade when vapid baby-factory Kate Gosselin visited gun-crazy former vice-presidential hockey-mom Sarah Palin in Alaska.  Sadly, as most viewers of Sarah Palin’s Alaska already know, the highly anticipated meeting came off with more of a whimper than a bang, with Gosselin leaving the set after storming off in a huff.  Recent revelations that the producers were part of a cabal which hoped to eliminate either one or both of the reality stars only add to the failed meeting’s disappointment.

There Is Precedent: This Unsuccessful Moose Attack On Washington Gov. Christine Gregoire Is Believed To Have Been Funded By The RNC.

Several weeks ago, TLC* paid to fly the increasingly uninteresting Gosselin and her brood to Alaska, where they would spend the night “roughing it” with Palin and a brigade of production staff.  Plotters determined that a single night was best, fearing that Gosselin would balk at a longer stint.  However, as so many have before, the conspirators failed to account for Gosselin’s complete lack of character; after complaining the entire time, Gosselin left a few hours into the shooting.

Many People Hoped That This Image Would Be The Last Thing To Go Through Kate Gosselin's Mind Before The Bullet.

The plan’s authors contend that only an hour or two more would have been sufficient to spring the trap.  “As soon as Palin and Gosselin had fallen asleep, all the supplies and crew were to be taken out on sleds, leaving the pair only the tents in which they were sleeping,” says Dr. Emil Haagerdäddi, an expert with the Center for Conspiracy and Mind Control.  He adds, “The plotters were still debating whether to take the children with the crew or leave them to fend with the doomed pair when Gosselin stormed off.  It came so close to working.”

Kate And Sperm Donor/Babydaddy. Let's Hope The Kids Don't Get His Hair Or His Height. Or His General Air Of High Douchebaggery.

According to one of the conspirators, it was hoped that the operation would result in the loss of at least one of the annoying television fixtures.  “Best case scenario, we get them both,” says a man who will only give his name as ‘Patchouli.’  But the plotters made clear that they would consider the mission successful if either Palin or Gosselin were removed from the public scene.
Most observers thought it likely that the former Governor would get the better of Gosselin in a straight up fight, possibly cannibalizing the former reality star.  “We envisioned Palin cocooning herself within Gosselin’s carcass for warmth, in much the same way as Han Solo did for Luke Skywalker in The Empire Strikes Back,” said Patchouli.

It Was Thought That Sarah Might Survive In Much The Same Way.

But thanks to Gosselin’s mercurial nature, the strictures imposed by a television shooting schedule and plain old bad luck, Sarah and Kate’s Wild Wilderness Adventure is destined never to happen.  The world will go on as it always has, new controversies arising to distract humanity from the old.  Still, in the coming months and years, it will be nearly impossible to see either woman’s grinning image on television without wondering silently, “What if?”

According To Beltway Rumors, If The Plot Had Been Successful, President Obama Planned To Send VP Biden And Secretary Of State Hillary Clinton To Alaska Next Year.

* Once upon a time, TLC was able to call itself ‘The Learning Channel’ while keeping a straight face.