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Tag Archives: Moose

True Facts: Camel Toe Not Caused By Camels

25 Wednesday Apr 2012

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture, Science

≈ 9 Comments

Tags

camel, camel toe, childish sexual innuendo, Moose, Moose Knuckle, opossums, read my lips, true facts, unlovable creatures

By Smaktakula

The Reality Is More Unpleasant.

For years, it has popularly been believed that camel toe, the unsightly, mystery-killing condition which arises when a lady’s pants are too tight, is spread through contact with dromedaries and other large mammals. That a synonym for this unfortunate condition is “moose knuckle,” should further illustrate this misconception.

Not Guilty!

In reality, the source of this affliction is much more prosaic–opossums.  It is bad enough that these filthy, stupid and cowardly little creatures invade our yards and sometimes our homes as well, but to do this while at the same time robbing our womenfolk of their dignity is far beyond the pale. Anyone who has a mother, a sister, a daughter or a wife–we urge you to show your love for that special gal in your life by grabbing the nearest brick and smashing the life out of a few of these skulking night-rats.

Even In The Off-Chance We’re Wrong, Kill A Few Anyway. The World Will Thank You.

In Canada, They Call It The ‘Caribou Cleft.’

You’re Going To Have To Use Your Imagination Here.

More Of A “Moose Knuckle,” Really.

Plan To Strand Palin, Gosselin In Alaskan Wilderness Unsuccessful

27 Monday Dec 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Celebrity, Culture, News, Stupidity

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

Adolf Hitler, Alaska, Alaskan wilderness, baby daddy, Christine Gregoire, douchebaggery, Emil Haagerdäddi, former vice-presidential candidate, Han Solo, Hillary Clinton, Iran, Iranian Hostage Crisis, Joe Biden, Jon Gosselin, Kate Gosselin, Luke Skywalker, missed opportunities, Moose, moose attack, Operation Eagle Claw, plot, RNC, Sarah Palin, Sarah Palin's Alaska, Secretary of State, sperm donor, The Empire Strikes Back, the plot to kill Hitler, United States of America, Vice President Biden, Washington State, Wasilla

By Smaktakula

They're Both Still With Us, By God.

Disappointment greeted the news of an unsuccessful attempt to doom Sarah Palin and Kate Gosselin by stranding them in the Alaskan wilderness.  Crushed supporters likened the effort to other failed historical long shots, such as the Nazi plot to kill Hitler or the disastrous attempt by the United States to free hostages held in Iran.  Said a supporter of the plan, “It would have been worse not to try.”

Fact: From Certain Neighborhoods, You Can See Russia.

Several weeks ago, fans of shitty television were promised the reality team-up of the decade when vapid baby-factory Kate Gosselin visited gun-crazy former vice-presidential hockey-mom Sarah Palin in Alaska.  Sadly, as most viewers of Sarah Palin’s Alaska already know, the highly anticipated meeting came off with more of a whimper than a bang, with Gosselin leaving the set after storming off in a huff.  Recent revelations that the producers were part of a cabal which hoped to eliminate either one or both of the reality stars only add to the failed meeting’s disappointment.

There Is Precedent: This Unsuccessful Moose Attack On Washington Gov. Christine Gregoire Is Believed To Have Been Funded By The RNC.

Several weeks ago, TLC* paid to fly the increasingly uninteresting Gosselin and her brood to Alaska, where they would spend the night “roughing it” with Palin and a brigade of production staff.  Plotters determined that a single night was best, fearing that Gosselin would balk at a longer stint.  However, as so many have before, the conspirators failed to account for Gosselin’s complete lack of character; after complaining the entire time, Gosselin left a few hours into the shooting.

Many People Hoped That This Image Would Be The Last Thing To Go Through Kate Gosselin's Mind Before The Bullet.

The plan’s authors contend that only an hour or two more would have been sufficient to spring the trap.  “As soon as Palin and Gosselin had fallen asleep, all the supplies and crew were to be taken out on sleds, leaving the pair only the tents in which they were sleeping,” says Dr. Emil Haagerdäddi, an expert with the Center for Conspiracy and Mind Control.  He adds, “The plotters were still debating whether to take the children with the crew or leave them to fend with the doomed pair when Gosselin stormed off.  It came so close to working.”

Kate And Sperm Donor/Babydaddy. Let's Hope The Kids Don't Get His Hair Or His Height. Or His General Air Of High Douchebaggery.

According to one of the conspirators, it was hoped that the operation would result in the loss of at least one of the annoying television fixtures.  “Best case scenario, we get them both,” says a man who will only give his name as ‘Patchouli.’  But the plotters made clear that they would consider the mission successful if either Palin or Gosselin were removed from the public scene.
Most observers thought it likely that the former Governor would get the better of Gosselin in a straight up fight, possibly cannibalizing the former reality star.  “We envisioned Palin cocooning herself within Gosselin’s carcass for warmth, in much the same way as Han Solo did for Luke Skywalker in The Empire Strikes Back,” said Patchouli.

It Was Thought That Sarah Might Survive In Much The Same Way.

But thanks to Gosselin’s mercurial nature, the strictures imposed by a television shooting schedule and plain old bad luck, Sarah and Kate’s Wild Wilderness Adventure is destined never to happen.  The world will go on as it always has, new controversies arising to distract humanity from the old.  Still, in the coming months and years, it will be nearly impossible to see either woman’s grinning image on television without wondering silently, “What if?”

According To Beltway Rumors, If The Plot Had Been Successful, President Obama Planned To Send VP Biden And Secretary Of State Hillary Clinton To Alaska Next Year.

* Once upon a time, TLC was able to call itself ‘The Learning Channel’ while keeping a straight face.

Headlines 09.14.10

14 Tuesday Sep 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in News

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

ABC, Afghanistan, arthritis, Barack Obama, BBC News, BLTs, breakfast killing spree, Bud Selig, Chicago Tribune, Germans in large groups are best avoided, Governor Moonbeam, headlines, infidels, Iraq, Islam, Jerry Brown, Kentucky, LA Times, leeches, Meg Whitman, Moose, Moose Knuckle, mosque, MSNBC, New York Times, pets, Proty II, San Francisco Chronicle, Seattle Times, Somalia, Taliban, Time, USA Today, who reads USA Today anyway?

By Smaktakula

In which we can’t be bothered to read the articles, but are quite happy to comment on the headlines.

Because Promethean Times Is Above All Else Topical.

Time  Iraq: What Will The Remaining 50,000 U.S. Troops Do?

  • We dunno; try not to die?

New York Times  Moose Offer A Trail Of Clues On Arthritis

  • How can this NOT be about the Moose Knuckle?

Seattle Times  Islamic Center Debate Stupefies Muslim World

  • Unaccustomed as it is to debate.  Also to women drivers and BLTs.

MSNBC  Somalia rebels looking like Taliban – World news – Africa – msnbc.com.

  • Pretty much any form of government is an improvement in that anarchic hellhole.

ABC  Deadly Attacks Across Iraq After US Troop Numbers Drop Below 50K

  • But didn’t we win?

Chicago Tribune  Can Your Pet Read Your Mind?

  • What?  Are you a child?  No!

USA Today  Bud Selig Attends Ceremony For Bud Selig Statue

  • If he didn’t show, he’d be an even bigger douche than he already is.

LA Times  Whitman targets Bay Area voters with ad attacking Brown

  • Whitman wastes her fucking money.

LA Times  Plastic bag ban is a job killer

  • Yeah, but it makes us feel like we’re doing something for the environment without expending any effort.

NY Times  Afghans Pull Money From Weakened Bank

  • Wait–Afghanistan has a bank?

San Francisco Chronicle  Killing spree suspect’s downhill slide

  • Trajectory of the slide: He killed a guy, and it was all downhill from there.

Reuters  Obama says his economic policies halted “bleeding”

  • Leeches will achieve the same end.

BBC News  Six dead after US breakfast killing spree in Kentucky

  • The sausage patty tried to calm things down, but the scrambled eggs was tweaking on some bad ice he’d scored the night before.  Scrambly was jumpy; he was constantly fiddling with his gun while shouting lines from ‘The Wedding Planner’ at the top of his voice.  It was only a matter of time before things turned bloody.

New York Times  Long Dormant, German Pride Blinks and Stirs

  • United Kingdom braces for massive influx of French refugees.

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