attention-seeking behavior, bad decisions, caveat emptor, Chicago, citizen of Clan Arquette, crazy fucker, crazy people, Dad, daddy issues, David A. Cox, David Arquette, Did Courtney Cox lose a bet?, foolish choices, gettin' inked, getting back at mom and dad, ink, Mom, obscure celebrities, tats, tattoos, tiresome anachronism, untalented stars
Why not get inked by tiresome former celebrity and citizen of Clan Arquette, David A. Cox?
Well, you know what, Mom? Maybe if you’d bought me Red Power Ranger with the light-up eyes and collectible key chain for Christmas 1999 like I asked you to, then maybe I wouldn’t need to get the Chinese character for ‘Fire’ tattooed on my chest. But what do I know, right? I’m only your son. You tell me, Mom. You tell me.
a watched pot never boils, burns, competitive sauna, completely preventable deaths, crazy bastard, crazy macho bullshit, criminal stupidity, death-oven, Finland, Finnish, Finns, for the love of the game, grisly innuendo, idiots, jackassery, lobster, masochism, morons, natural selection, prison work farm, pseudosport, quasi-athlete, Russian, sports-related deaths, suicide, Timo Kaukonen, Vladimir Ladyzhensky, what the fuck is wrong with you people?, World Sauna Championship, you don't see the fucking lobster boiling itself do you?
The sporting world is still aboil about the news dispatches steaming out of Finland reporting the tragic death of Russian quasi-athlete Vladimir Ladyzhensky. Ladyzhensky, along with his Finnish opponent Timo Kaukonen, collapsed during the annual World Sauna Championships in Finland. Both men suffered severe burns and were admitted to the hospital, where Ladyzhensky later died.
Thanks in large part to recent media coverage, a new generation of fans is coming to appreciate this exciting and fast-growing ‘sport.’ The roots of competitive sauna reach far back into Finland’s history; hanging around in a hot, steamy room with other dudes has long been a favored pastime. The ghastly exercise in masochism has been a professional sport in Finland since 1999.
Although most Finns readily welcome the dizzying globalization of their sport, they remain fiercely proud of its Finnish origins. This pride has manifested itself in a variety of ways, including the recent creation of a Finnish Bureau of Tourism. The Bureau’s first act as a body was to devise the popular slogan: Finland–A Little More Than Just Reindeer!
Ladyzhensky’s shocking death can’t help but cast a pall over professional sauna. Inwardly, everyone connected with the sport is no doubt plagued by the same internal question: Could we have done something to prevent this?
Sadly, the answer is No. Self-recrimination is a part of human nature, and while some soul-searching is probably inevitable, it comes to little in the end. Although this terrible event will no doubt be parsed and dissected by historians for generations to come, the exact cause of this tragedy will never truly be known. That athletes die sometimes with no apparent cause is perhaps the cruelest lesson that sports can teach us.
Vladimir Ladyzhensky may have left competitive sauna, but the rare Russian will forever be seared into the collective consciousness of the game he loved. His fellow competitors will no doubt shed a collective tear* in his memory as they take that first barefoot step into the searing death-oven that is the symbol of this much-beloved pseudosport. Ladyzhensky wouldn’t have wanted it any other way.
*This is intended for figurative purposes only. When one’s profession involves killing time in a 230° hot box, remaining well-hydrated is the surest strategy to victory, and may help to stave off death for a few precious seconds.
Carmen Electra, cataclysmically-retarded, Dave Navarro, elderly people, Facebook, Facebook friends won't pick you up at the airport, has-been, human papillomavirus, HURRR!, intellectually disinclined, it means genital warts, Ms. Electra is probably a very nice young lady, Promethean Times, self-promotion so shameless that it borders on hucksterism, senior citizens, stupid people, stupidity, Twitter, untalented stars, you most likely have papilloma sorry to say
A Very Special Message From Smaktakula
Much like human papillomavirus in America’s high schools, Promethean Times is pretty hard to avoid these days.
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'Lil Kim, Abigail Folger, America's ambivlence toward soccer, Barack Obama, Billie Joe Armstrong, Bush Brothers and Company, celebrity skin, Charles Manson, Chesley Sullenberger, Corey Haim, courtesy tips, cults, Dana Carvey, demon weed, dope, Duke, fauxhawk, Flower of American Skankhood, Frances Bean Cobain, Freddie Mercury, Garfield, George Sherrill, grammar, grass, Haimster, hippies, Improved Order of Red Men, internet pornography, Iran, Irene Folstrom, John Bobbit, Johnston's procedure, Kim Jong-il, lasagna, LiLo, Lindsay Lohan, Live Aid, Makwala Derrickson Hall, Manson Family, marijuana, marijuana legalization, Mensa, Mike Meyers, Morris the Cat, mullets, Nermal, North Korea, not what you were looking for?, Odie, Oxford ponce, Pakistan, penis, pervert, pot, prison food, Prometheus Society, Queen, racism, Ramtha, Randy Johnson, rapists, rave culture, raves, reefer, Reverend Fred Phelps, severed penis, skankery, Sully Sullenberger, sweet sweet cheeba, that shitty beard too!, the Big Unit, tiny penis, Tommy Lee, Tommy Lee's massive tool, treachery, untalented stars, US Airways Flight 1549, volcanic activity, volcanoes, vulgarity is the secret ingredient, Waco, Waco Massacre, Wal-Mart, Washington State, Westboro Baptist Church, Yelm
In which we once again present some of the various search-engine keywords used to find Promethean Times. Some, we suspect, were not on purpose. See our first installment here: Not What You Were Looking For?.
live aid Geez, you put up one stupid Live Aid post, and suddenly you’ve got idiots knocking down your door for the rest of time. Is Freddie Mercury really that beloved? Thank you so much, Mike Meyers. You too, Carvey.
humboldt promethean society Not sure if we can help you. The Prometheus Society is club for freaks too smart for Mensa. Smaktakula takes a dim view of organizations whose rigorous standards preclude his admission. While there may in fact be many such individuals living in isolated cabins deep within the remote wilderness of Humboldt, these reclusive geniuses are no doubt so removed from society at large that they’re unlikely to turn up on an internet search. Fortunately, anyone that smart knows to stay away from the demon weed, the great bane of the Humboldt.
narco children Frances Bean Cobain just wants to live a normal life. Please try to respect that.
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criticism should 1549 “Sullenberger” We will tolerate no criticism of the heroic Captain Sullenberger. The birds sent you, didn’t they?
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when mullets attack We’re listening.
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raves should be illegal and banned Big Dittos, Rush!
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will marijuana be legal in 2010 Not if Promethean Times has anything to say about it, Hippie!
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passionate people and constructive crit Tell it to your diary, Nancy.
bull rider die And how!
waco massacre Dammit, Janet!
driving courtesy tips THANK YOU.
george sherrill beard—Yeah, we hate it too.
jesse sherrill senior rape trial 2010 You’re thinking of Jessie Sherrill, an accused rapist from Christian County, Kentucky. We’ve got George Sherrill, whose late-inning incompetence doesn’t look half as bad when juxtaposed with a rapist.
kim jong il in united states Supposedly he’s in the United States secretly to buy DVDs and to fight female rapper ‘Lil Kim to the death over the use of the diminutive. It is imperative that the United States Government not allow Kim to purchase those DVDs.
garfield the cat pitchman Fuck his fat lasagna-craving ass. Promethean Times has never apologized for our Morrisist leanings and we never will. Fuck Nermal and Odie, too.
haimster, 1971-2010 It still hurts.
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irene folstrom Isn’t she the coffee heiress that the Manson kids chopped up?
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sexy man cock Fred, just stop. While we must admit we were initially flattered by your attention, your persistence has become a real turn-off. The answer is no.
billie joe armstrong’s penis We hear it’s tiny. Tommy Lee’s joint, however–now, that’s a penis.
johnston’s procedure penis A procedure to remedy “Torsion of the penis” which sounds pretty awful, and makes Smaktakula a bit of a dick for including it here.
north korean prison food Don’t be foolish. There hasn’t been food in North Korea for years.
john bobbit penis + picture It’s in your bathroom above the sink. Try looking at eye level.
have proven have proved Look, Smaktakula’s grammar is pretty goddamn good, but everybody makes mistakes. You think this is easy? You think it’s just talking like an Oxford ponce and liberally peppering the whole thing with vulgarities? Okay, so maybe it is–but let’s see you try it, cock-knocker. But then, we have an unfortunate tendency to over-analyze.
iran haircut policy Surprisingly progressive.
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15 year-old, blind unreasoning panic, club kids, designer drugs, drug overdose, drugs, ecstacy, Electric Daisy Carnival. Los Angeles, illegal drugs, LA Memorial Coliseum, News of the Duh, one percenters, panic, rave culture, raves, Rock & Roll, techno music
There’s much wisdom in the old maxim, “If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.” Readers of Promethean Times will know that we subscribe not only to this aphorism, but also its corollary: “If it is broke, the best course of action is immediate panic.” We favor blind, unreasoning panic over most other varieties of temporary fear-based madness.
When a 15 year-old girl died of a suspected drug overdose after attending the 14th annual Electric Daisy Carnival at the LA Memorial Coliseum, authorities scurried into action. The obvious solution was to prohibit further raves at the Coliseum.
This is a troubling development for everyone touched by the rave scene. This is not to suggest that all or even most clubbers use illicit drugs. It is likely a very small minority, a group of “one percenters.”
Promethean Times applauds the decision to ban raves at the Coliseum. Although the young girl’s accidental death appears to be an isolated incident, the danger remains that if unchecked, an incident like this could blow open the doorway for drugs into rave culture. This would be a pity. In 2010 there are very few places a young person can go where drugs aren’t a constant temptation. For many years, raves have been just that kind of environment, and now a few bad apples seem hellbent to sully this wholesome activity.
The ban on raves in the Coliseum will have two positive effects. First, it will send a strong message to the one percenters in the rave community that these kinds of shenanigans won’t be tolerated. Drugs have already ruined Rock & Roll; we mustn’t let them sully the soulless electronic chirp of techno.
The second result will be even more profound. With no more raves at the Coliseum, the attendant drug problem should trickle away. The ban will also give pause to ravers who might be thinking about trying illegal drugs.
Critics of the ban charge that these young people will simply take their party elsewhere. This is unlikely. The promoters of such an event would be breaking several laws, as well as jeopardizing the health of children. The notion of an illegal, underground rave is pure fantasy.
Some People Just Have To Ruin It For Everybody: Teenage girl dies of suspected drug overdose after attending weekend rave at L.A. Coliseum – latimes.com.
Afghanistan, Barack Obama, black Republicans, blunder, douchebaggery, encephalitis is no laughing matter, George W. Bush, idiotic comments, incompetent boobery, jackassery, Michael Steele, Michael Steele is a boob, Republican National Committee, Republicans, RNC, war of Obama's choosing
Michael Steele’s impotent tenure as Chairman of the Republican National Committee has come to the sad end everyone has long expected. Steele, who aside from being a black Republican is best known for his remarkably incompetent boobery, recently referred to the Afghan conflict as ‘a war of Obama’s choosing.’ This claim is absolutely true, if by Obama he means George W. Bush. Otherwise, it’s pretty idiotic.
But Steele wasn’t done: “This was not something that the United States had actively prosecuted or wanted to engage in,” he said. This statement is also true, assuming that the “not” was a verbal typo. If it wasn’t, this statement would sound moronic coming from an encephalic six-year-old.
big fatso, Center for Science in Public Interest, customer of size, do-gooders, fat ass, fat people, Jabba the Hutt, McDonald's, nanny state, person of size, syphilitic monkeys, Two and a Half Men, Why am I so fat?
The Center for Science in Public Interest wants you to know that it’s okay that you’re too stupid to make nutrition choices on your own, either for yourself or your children.
That’s why the CSPI is threatening to sue McDonald’s, the world’s most popular purveyor of food-flavored edible products, unless the fast-food giant stops including toys with its popular Happy Meals.
“McDonald’s is the stranger in the playground handing out candy to children,” CSPI’s litigation director, Stephen Gardner, said in a prepared statement. “It’s a creepy and predatory practice that warrants an injunction.”
Countered a McDonald’s representative:
“The toy is plastic, retard. Zero calories.
Y’know, if we really gave a fuck about the nation’s creme-filled arteries, we’d leave out the food.”
It boils down to this: You’re a syphilitic monkey too stupid to refuse poison if it’s presented to you in a nice bottle with a shiny bow.
Don’t bother thinking about it. Why don’t you watch some TV? I think Two and a Half Men is on . . .
I’ll Just Take My Fat Ass Somewhere Else: McDonald’s faces lawsuit over marketing to kids – Jun. 22, 2010.
Americans of Singularity Descent, black holes, Black Holians, Black Leadership Scowl, celestial phenomena, civil rights, civil rights leaders, comets, crying wolf, event horizon, Hallmark Cards, It's A Celestial Thang, NAABH, NAACP, ominous, professional race baiters, Protesting Is Fun!, racism, Singlularity-Americans, singularities, Singularity Pride, supermassive is beautiful!, supermassive like me, zephyrs
The Los Angeles Chapter of the NAACP broke out their Black Leadership Scowls recently to protest a Hallmark Card which they call racist.
The space-themed graduation card plays an audio track which, among other things, refers to black holes as “ominous.”
Presumably, the NAACP regards the card as offensive to descendents of the supermassive space feature, who might rightly take umbrage at being labelled “ominous.”
It should also be noted that comets and zephyrs, typically considered “white” celestial phenomena, are not mentioned at all in the card’s message.
Okay, Now You’re Just Being Silly: NAACP calls Hallmark graduation card racist | abc7.com.
Al Gore, Al Gore sleeps alone, An Inconvenient Truth, bedroom cooling, climate change, divorce, Environmental Chicken Littleism, environmentalism, fat people, gasbag, global warming, good move Tipper!, has-been, Hillbuzz, I'm super-serial!, laughingstock, ManBearPig, mid-life crisis, Ragnarok, scaremongering, search for meaning, search for relevance, separation, South Park, sweat act, Tipper Gore, Tipper leaving Al, Vice President Gore