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Tag Archives: Smaktakula’s hatred of clowns

Headlines: 07.23.12

23 Monday Jul 2012

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture

≈ 23 Comments

Tags

Arkansas, California, cannabis, cat ladies, death by automobile, Detroit, dope, drunken Irishmen, drunken Native Americans, fat people, fun with stereotypes, Hamas, headlines, hemp, Holocaust, ignorance--it's what we do, Islam, Israel, lame sports, legalize it, marijuana, medical marijuana, Michigan, Miss Holocaust, News of the Duh, Nobel Peace Prize, Penn State, phony diseases, skanks, Smaktakula's decades-old vendetta against the French, Smaktakula's hatred of clowns, sweet sweet cheeba, the navy's pretty gay already, the reefer, US Navy, weed, Why am I so fat?

By Smaktakula

Who Reads This, Really? That’s An Awful Lot Of Words.

In which we’re presumptuous enough to opine on the day’s headlines, but too damn lazy to read the articles.

***

8 Things You Didn’t Know About Restless Legs Syndrome ~ One of them is that it’s not a real disease.

‘Cat ladies’ more likely to commit suicide, scientists claim ~ This and much, much more in next month’s issue of Stop the Presses! America’s Most Trusted Source for News of the Painfully Obvious.

Why Women Love One-Night Stands ~ They enjoy having drunken intercourse with a person they’ll never have to see again, much as men do.

Police identify bodies found in Detroit River ~ But that’s all the time we have tonight. If you didn’t hear the name of your loved one’s water-swollen corpse announced on tonight’s show, tune in next week for another exciting episode of “Fishin’ the Motor City.”

Fear of clowns is serious ~ Sadly, your commitment to real journalism doesn’t appear to be.

And A Mime Is Nothing But A French Clown, So Double-Bad.

Navy’s new gender-neutral carriers won’t have urinals ~ If you enjoyed the furor surrounding “Gays in the Military,” you’ll love “Who Left the Fucking Seat up in the Head?”

Twitter reaction: Does Penn State deserve the death penalty? ~ Not sure. But let us ask you this: does an issue as serious as the death penalty deserve your clumsy metaphor?

Hamas Suspends Voter Registration… ~ It was a purely a question of human resources. One more man out registering voters means one less busload of dead Israeli kids.

Father, son lose 260 pounds after weight loss surgery ~ This extraordinary achievement didn’t happen overnight, folks–it took a single-minded focus, dedication to the cause and years upon years of effort before that surgeon became certified to suck the rivers of lard from those two human baleen.

Miss Holocaust Survivor’ crowned in Israel ~ We heard it was a gas.  (Oh, like this wasn’t already in abominably poor taste even BEFORE we arrived on the scene?)

No Matter What Atrocities We Commit Against One Another, We Can Never Quench The Essential Dignity Of The Human Spirit.

Arkansas marijuana proposal needs more signatures ~ Given that it’s Arkansas, all one needs to do to sign the petition is to be able to scratch out a crude X.

Proposal for ‘English only’ city council meetings sparks debate in Walnut, Calif. ~ If by debate, you mean a top-volume screaming match in a rainbow of exotic tongues.

Have a sexy walk? You’re probably having a LOT of orgasms ~ Smaktakula often experiences spontaneous orgasms while walking, and while it never fails to arouse comments from witnesses, it has never been described as “sexy.” Certainly not by the authorities.

Irishman survives after great white shark attack in Australia ~ That shark had just celebrated ten years of sobriety. He wasn’t about to go throw all that away for one Irishman.

My husband had sex with me while I was in a drunken state. Should I divorce him? ~ We’ll answer this one seriously, because our typical smartassery cannot hope to do justice to such a profoundly serious marital issue. ABSOLUTELY you should divorce him. Do it right now! It’s not fair that your husband should be chained for the remainder of his days to such a fucked-up, games playing, frigid bitch. And might we suggest choosing as your next mate a fellow who’s just been released from the penitentiary? Having been so long denied the company of a woman, he’ll no doubt treat you like the precious little flower that you are.

‎In some Olympic sports, the US just doesn’t make the grade ~Then you can’t really consider them sports.

Just Because Estonians Are Crazy About It, Doesn’t Mean It’s Worth Doing.

The Upside of Letting Your Child Fail ~ Always having that failure to lord over him.

If Pot Were Truly Legal, Joints Would Cost Only a Few Cents ~ Folks, very often when writing these things, a headline will inspire two or more different gags, and we go with the one we like best. The provocative title above inspires literally so many different responses (almost entirely rancorous and replete with four-letter words) that the inside of Smaktakula’s skull sounds like the trading floor of the New Delhi Stock Exchange five minutes before the closing bell.

10 Ways the World Could End ~ One of them is ‘It Was All Just A Dream!’ That is such a fucking cop-out.

Is It Time to Stop Fearing Islamism? ~ Wait a sec while we check to see what’s going on in the world…hold on, checking…ah, there we go…Nope–still pretty scary.

Native American Communities Affected by Climate Change Plan for the Future ~ They’re stocking up on Old Granddad & Wild Turkey as we speak.

He’s Got Us There. We’re Joking About An Epidemic That Is Destroying A Culture Even The Most Powerful Nation On Earth Couldn’t Crush.

Nobel Peace Prize winners say US must lead global peace efforts, wars should … ~ Continuing the bold behavior which earned most of them the Peace Prize in the first place, talking about what other people should do to lead peace efforts.

10 Signs That Death is Near ~ #4: Massive, unstoppable bleeding.

Medical Marijuana: A Patient Perspective ~ It’s great. Really, we can’t speak highly enough about it. Heartily endorsed.

Boston U graduate student dies in fall in Turkey ~ That’s so romantic. Turkey is lovely in the fall.

A dog’s last moments photographed ~ “Oh my gosh–the look on Shep’s little doggie face when he finally realizes the truck isn’t going to stop in time–is that NOT just the cutest thing you’ve ever seen in your life?”

“BAAAAAAAAAAAAARK!”

Thoughts On The Nature Of Funny

13 Tuesday Mar 2012

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture

≈ 19 Comments

Tags

Bill Cosby, blondes, clowns, Elephant Man, Holocaust, humor, inappropriate humor, Jerry Lewis, leprosy, Smaktakula's hatred of clowns, Telemundo, the French, unfunny people, Why am I so unfunny?

By Smaktakula

Some Folks Are Just Natural Comedians.

Humor is a strange and wondrous thing. Wondrous, of course, because of the warm, community-building emotions generated by humor, it is at the same time strange, as humor is one of those enigmatic and elusive qualities so hard to compare and quantify. Why, for example, do the French find Jerry Lewis uproariously funny when to the rest of the world his tired schtick is the humorous equivalent of nails on a chalkboard? Likewise, non-Spanish speakers watching Telemundo might be forgiven for failing to be delighted by a fifty-five year old man in a propeller cap, sucking on a lollipop and pretending to be a six-year old boy.

Photo Courtesy Of El Registraro De Perverto Sexual.

But despite humor’s slippery nature, there is sometimes broad agreement as to what does or does not tickle the funny bone. For example, most people regard blonde jokes as moderately amusing, while the Holocaust is nearly universally judged to be unfunny. Bill Cosby? Funny. Leprosy? Not funny at all.

Only Kinda Funny.

Of course, some people are naturally funnier than others. You’ve seen these animated men and women holding court at parties or in the break room at work, effortlessly navigating the rocky shoals of the conversation with witty bon mots and amusing anecdotes. The responsive laughter is unforced and organic.

Just What Is It That Prompts A Grown Man To Choose A Career For Which The Term 'Buffoon' Is A Synonym?

Likewise, you’ve no doubt encountered the funny person’s far more common polar opposite–the odiously unfunny person. This strident, braying jackass is a comedy-killer who can usually be counted on to stun a lively crowd into a benumbed and uncomfortable silence with his mistimed jokes, painfully unfunny observations and stiff, rehearsed cruelty.

Sorry, But This Won't Be A Humorous Caption. Jerry Lewis Sucks The Funny From Everything He Touches.

Because the bulk of the population falls somewhere in the wide ‘moderately funny/moderately unfunny’ middle between these extremes, most people don’t realize that these two creatures–the wickedly funny and the desperately unfunny–are more alike than at first they seem. In fact, despite the completely disparate results of being funny and unfunny, the two share a common raison d’être. The trick to being really funny is surprisingly  also the very thing which motivates the human buzzkill: the secret to both is to think you’re really funny.

Really, Is There A Better Way To Tell The World You've Had Three Or Fewer Sexual Relationships?

“Was that supposed to be funny?” You can probably answer that one for yourselves. ∞ T.

A Funny Story About Clowns

19 Monday Sep 2011

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture

≈ 5 Comments

Tags

Bozo, Carrot Top, clowns, Insane Clown Posse, John Wayne Gacy, Joker, KISS, Michael Jackson, mimes, Pennywise, pervertry, Smaktakula's hatred of clowns

By Tardsie (from the common folklore)

In which  we retell an old tale about a boy and his tormentor.

The Greasepaint Horror

Clowns: We Just Don't Like 'Em.

When Johnny Weems was just seven years old, he begged his parents to take him to the circus which had just come to town.  Having never been to an actual circus, the boy’s head was filled with visions of fabulous and impossible beasts, of acrobats performing astounding feats, of circus peanuts and of iridescent cotton candy spun to the size of a basketball.

At first the circus proved to be everything Johnny had imagined.  He gawked at the sideshow grotesqueries and flashy barkers lining the concourse.  He pestered his parents vainly for a dollar to play one of the midway games, and a little later, driven half-mad by the smell of frying batter, importuned for an elephant ear and was once again disappointed.

"I'm A Deranged Alcoholic! Now, THAT's Funny!"

Johnny’s heart galloped in his chest as he took a seat between his parents under the big top.  The three cheered the antics of Lord Leopold’s dancing poodles, and gasped as the Family Garamond cheated death time and time again on the trapeze, soaring untethered for long moments through naked air, and then, grabbing the waiting bar just as rude gravity began to reassert dominance over human pretensions of flight.  Caught rapt by it all, Johnny couldn’t remember when he’d had so much fun.

When Mr. Chuckles the Clown gamboled into the spotlight, Johnny had no way of knowing that with this harlequin would come his own complete ruination.  The clown’s face was painted in a garish red frown, which rendered somewhat ironic the very-visible grin beneath the greasepaint.  Clots of hair the color of a Los Angeles sunset and the texture of steel wool stuck out from under a broken-brim fedora perched atop its head.

Mr. Chuckles danced across the big top, stopping once or twice to perform a slapstick routine for the laughing crowd.   Then, the clown came to a stop at a point on the ring almost directly below where Johnny and his parents sat in the grandstand.

This Image Holds The Distinction Of Being The Most Disturbing We Have Ever Featured.

Johnny and his parents laughed in nervous surprise when a spotlight suddenly shone down on them.  Without their knowing it, the clown had nimbly stepped up the riser until he was standing over them, the spotlight marooning the four in a tiny island of light in the big top’s inky sea.

“Why hello there, young man,” the clown said to Johnny, its voice booming and merry and dark, “How do you do?”

Johnny turned first to his mother and then to his father—both were studiously looking elsewhere—before looking back at Mr. Chuckles and offering a tentative “Hello?”

Pennywise, The Malevolent Glamour From Stephen King's IT, Is Unique Among Clowns In That He Only Kinda Sucks.

Then Mr. Chuckles said, “I’ve got a question for you, my lad,” he said, trailing off and leaving the audience—Johnny included—waiting on his words.  In a tone of overdone mock-seriousness, the clown asked, “Are you, sir, a horse’s head?”

“No,” said Johnny, giggling a little.

Mr. Chuckles pointed at Johnny, the mouth-beneath-the-mouth a black O of derision, howling hysterical laughter.  “Didja…Didja hear that, folks?” Mr. Chuckles managed between fits of laughter.  Cocking a thumb in Johnny’s direction, the clown said to the audience, “If he ain’t a horse’s head, this kid must be a horse’s ass!”

Look, Whether Or Not You're Sexually Attracted To Men Is Completely Irrelevant; You're Still Really Fucking Gay.

The crowd roared, the sudden explosive laughter swelling the tent, homogeneous and titanic.  Running through it like an errant stitch was Mr. Chuckles’ vulgar staccato cackle.

Johnny’s parents weren’t laughing.  Their scarlet faces were exquisitely expressionless as they fled the laughter that seemed to dog them all the way to the car.   Johnny’s parents did not speak to him for almost three days, taking their meals in silence and passing the boy wordlessly in the hall, lips pursed in unvoiced, implacable disapproval.  When Robert and Julia Weems finally did speak to their only son, it was to upbraid him for embarrassing them so badly by turning out to be the horse’s ass they had all along known he would be.

Fortunately, This Photo Cuts Off Where It Does. Nobody But The Police Needs To See What Timmy Endured.

Life grew no kinder toward Johnny in the ten years that passed before the circus returned to town.  He was an unpopular boy; no school friends came to play at his house, or he at theirs.  Johnny was hardly ever invited to birthday parties, and his own birthdays were sad, solitary affairs.  Puberty only exacerbated his awkwardness, transforming the pallid and china-delicate boy into an oily, ugly, spastic thing that no one really liked to look at or to have around.  His nights were choked by bitter dreams haunted by the hysterically cruel laughter of some half-remembered demon of latex and greasepaint.

Late in his senior year of high school, Johnny summoned the gumption to ask out Tiffany Cox, although Johnny was not altogether sure that the girl whose honey-bond hair and deep, understanding eyes had enraptured him since her she had shown up at school on the first day of second grade even knew he existed.  Johnny caught a break when Tiffany told him she’d go out with him, but only if he’d take her to the circus, which had just come to town.  “Nobody else wants to go,” she admitted.  Johnny couldn’t say just why the thought of the circus filled him with a sudden, bowel-loosening hysteria, but the thought of spending an hour or two alone with Tiffany was enough to steel his resolve and push his vague terror into a dusty corner of his consciousness.

"Oh My God, No! I Never Tried To Fool Anyone. Just Look At the Way I Dress, Honey. The Only Reason I Never Went Public Was For Bruce's Sake. Mr. 'I'm-Not-Gay-Even-Though-I-Have-Great-Sex-With-The-Joker.' Oh Mercy! That Bitch Has Some Serious Daddy Issues."

Johnny invested all his energy into planning the details of the date.  At the door of her parents’ home, Johnny presented Tiffany with a bouquet of flowers which had cost about as much as a used car, but the smile with which she favored him made all the extra hours he’d spent washing dishes at Hunan Garden seem a bargain.

They were both laughing by the time the time they stepped out of Robert Weems’ Pleistocene-era Buick in the strip-mall parking lot where the circus had taken root.   Over the next hour as they strolled the midway, Johnny discovered that in addition to being the most beautiful girl in the world, Tiffany was also a hell of a good time.  They both took turns at Pitch ‘Em, Johnny secretly hoping he might win a stuffed bear for Tiffany, even though he knew full well the games were crooked.

"But KISS Doesn't Belong Here!" You Say. We Disagree. Show This Picture To Any Junior High School Student And They'll Ask, "Who The Hell Are Those Clowns?"

The two of them munched on candied apples as they took their seats under the big top.  When Tiffany said simply, “I’m having a great time, Johnny,” the young man was glad for the darkness that hid his flushed face and grateful, unbelieving tears.  It was the best day of his life.

The crowd roared when the ringmaster made his grand entrance to open the show, which—initially, anyway—proved to be a good one.  Tiffany and Johnny delighted at the antic feats of Lord Leopold and his seven trained poodles, and marveled at the gravity-eschewing prowess of the Family Garamond on the trapeze.  When the dauntless Sir Rodney Braveheart thrust his unprotected head into the open jaws of a lion, Tiffany pressed her face into Johnny’s shoulder.  He found himself wishing the moment could somehow be stretched out like taffy and thereby made eternal.

Magical Scottish Clown Ronald McDonald Created His Eponymous Fast-Food Chain To Bring Happiness To Children All Around The World. That, And To Fuck The Hamburglar.

Then Mr. Chuckles strolled into the ring, sucking the warmth from the afternoon like marrow from a bone as dark memories long-buried flooded Johnny’s brain, erupting unexpectedly from the dark clay of his subconscious.  The clown had changed not at all from the thing in those dark recollections, including the fedora which was no more or no less broken than it had been a decade before.  The garish frown was still belied by the savage and big-toothed grin which lay beneath it like a waiting viper.

The clown’s eyes fixed instantly upon Johnny, and to the young man’s horror, Mr. Chuckles began to jog toward him, climbing the riser until he was standing next to Johnny and Tiffany.

Ask Yourself This: Does A Healthy Person Distort His Features And Spend All His Free Time Making Balloon Animals For Seven-Year-Olds?

The clown hushed the obedient crowd with an exaggerated wave and turned to speak to Johnny, its voice painting even the far corners of the tent with dark hilarity, “I’ve got a question for you friend,” the harlequin asked, pausing a moment before finishing, “Are you a horse’s head?”

Johnny blinked for a moment, dumbfounded.  The same question as before, Johnny remembered, but there had been a catch; it was some kind of trick question.  Even as he thought these things, he heard himself answer, “No.”

The grin spread like oil beneath Mr. Chuckles’ Day-Glo frown, displaying an uneven collection of yellowing, tombstone teeth.   “Well then, you must be a horse’s ass!”  The clown pointed at Johnny and began to guffaw, the crowd howling in jolly agreement.  Although he could not look at her, Johnny knew that Tiffany was laughing, too.

It's Commonly Believed That Mimes Remain Silent Throughout Their Routines. This Is Not Entirely True. If Kicked Squarely In The Nutsack, They Will Make Noise.

Johnny slunk out after Tiffany, laughter trailing him as before, as if it had stalked him like a patient beast for all these years.  When he finally caught up with Tiffany, she was brusque.  “I’ll walk home,” she said, leaving Johnny to stew alone in the mocking laughter which still clung to him like a repugnant odor. Tiffany Cox never spoke to him again.

The years which followed extinguished any pale hope Johnny might have entertained that he would leave behind with his youth the misfortune he bore like a scar.  He settled for a girl named Stella Stubinski, a round, beady-eyed thing about a million light-years from the decade-gone Tiffany Cox.  Johnny dropped out of junior college just three credits shy of his associate’s degree to marry Stella when she got pregnant, forever dooming his long-held ambition to own a lawnmower repair business, relegating him instead into a life of repairing lawnmowers for other people.  Stella bore two more children before running off with her YMCA Tai Chi instructor, leaving Johnny with three snotty, yowling brats who were the spitting image of their mother.  It was about six months after Stella left that Johnny’s doctor told him he was sterile, and undoubtedly had been since puberty.

His Favorite Party Trick, "The Thriller," Ensured That This Smooth Criminal Had To Leave Japan In A Hurry.

Johnny endured the myriad daily indignities of his dead-end existence with a fatalistic aplomb, surviving by looking beyond them with the monomaniacal fanaticism of a zealot to the time when he might take action against his troubles.  He never questioned the source of his woes.  His myriad miseries, he knew, sprung from a single, malevolent source: Mr. Chuckles the Clown.

During the twenty grinding years which passed before the circus stumbled once again into town, Johnny scoured the newspaper every week for news of it with the same fatalistic intensity as an old man reading the obituaries.  When at last he saw that the show had come home, Johnny felt neither a sense of elation nor of terror over what was to come, but rather the calming feeling of an incipient denouement, as if great gears had come together and a tremendous but invisible machine had come roaring to life, ready to put the world in motion.

John Wayne Gacy: If Serial Killers Had A Uniform, This Would Be It.

Johnny arrived at the circus in his rusted-out Sentra.  He moved like an unseeing apparition past the sideshows and carny games, ignoring the barkers’ calls inviting him to donate what little money he had into one of their unwinnable scams.  He didn’t glance around until he was under the big top, and then only to find his seat in the grandstand.

Johnny sat through the parade of acts and characters–the grandiloquent ringmaster, Brunhilda the Dancing Bear, a new generation of Flying Garimonds and a superannuated Lord Leopold with his pack of arthritic, and by now entirely blind, poodles.  Johnny’s eyes were cast through time rather than space, waiting for the implacable arch-enemy with whom he found himself inextricably bound either by the vagaries of indifferent fate.

Even before Mr. Chuckles sprang into the spotlighted darkness of the ring, Johnny could feel the terrible coldness of its coming.  The contours of time grew fuzzy as the clown neared Johnny’s section of the grandstand.  The coming greasepaint horror comprised the whole of Johnny’s vision; it was as if he and this thing were the only two beings in existence.  Johnny had come here a broken man with nothing to lose and just this one shot at redemption.

Listen Carefully, Children. First You'll Want To Pierce Its Heart With A Wooden Stake. Then, Cut Off The Head And Stuff It With Garlic Before Burning The Body Parts Separately. Do It Now, Before It's Too Late.

The combatants’ eyes met a final time as Mr. Chuckles bounded up the riser, stopping in front of Johnny’s seat.  Lifetimes passed before Mr. Chuckles spoke.  “Why, hello there, Sir!” the clown said, the cheery warmth of its voice belied by the cold deadness in its eyes.  “I’d like to ask you a very important question.”  Then, pausing dramatically, “Sir, are you a horse’s head?”

Johnny began to act even before the question had left Mr. Chuckles’ sneering lips.  The clown stepped back in what Johnny thought might have been a brief moment of fear when Johnny stood, righteous energy coursing through the ruined man like an electric current, alive with the joyous certainty that his moment had come at last and had found him worthy.  This was the moment for which he had been born; in this struggle to define his existence, he would slay the beast or be slain by it.  Bursting with implacable purpose, the words sprang from his lips just as he had practiced them a thousand times, ringing true and clear throughout the tent, a stinging, righteous riposte to the infernal harlequin:

“Hey,” Johnny said, stabbing an accusing finger at Mr. Chuckles, “FUCK YOU, CLOWN!”

Age Ain't Nothin' But A Number To A Clown.

Clowns: A Final Solution

20 Friday May 2011

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

clowns, Clowns in a Car, Final Solution, Operation Mr. Chuckles, Smaktakula's hatred of clowns

By Smaktakula

The old ‘Clowns-in-a-Car’ gag.  It’s okay, we guess–but imagine how many more clowns you could stuff in there if you simply chopped them up first.

"Hath Not A Clown Eyes? If You Prick Us, Do We Not Bleed? If You Tickle Us, Do We Not Make A Loud Honking Noise?"

Clowns make everything funny. ∞T.

Mimes

20 Friday May 2011

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture, Stupidity

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

clowns, mimes, rodeo clowns, Smaktakula's decades-old vendetta against the French, Smaktakula's hatred of clowns, the French

By Smaktakula

The worst kind of clown: a silent, French one.

(A Rodeo Clown Took My Lunch Money And Then Locked Me In This Box.)

Rodeo Clowns

20 Friday May 2011

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture, Sport

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

clowns, rodeo, rodeo clowns, Smaktakula's hatred of clowns

By Smaktakula

The Least Pussy Of A Pussy Breed.

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