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Tag Archives: Israel

Headlines: No Rod Unspared

04 Monday Feb 2013

Posted by Smaktakula in Cinema, Crime, Culture, Entertainment, Headlines, History, Politics, Stupidity

≈ 36 Comments

Tags

Alabama, Axe Body Spray, Baseball, Belgium, blond is beautiful motherfuckers!, California, Chicago White Sox, Colorado, Condoleezza Rice, Costa Mesa, don't hate us because we're ignorant, fun with stereotypes, Greece, headlines, Helen Keller, homeless people, homosexuality, hunger, Israel, Joe Biden, Koreans, man-boy love, Muhammad, New York Times, obesity, Orange County, pederasts, penis breakage is not funny!, Pennsylvania, racism, Sparks, Twins, Why am I so stupid?, WNBA, Wyoming

By Smaktakula

And They All Lived Happily Ever After.

In which we opine on the headlines of the day without first bothering to read the articles.

***

Ask E. Jean: My Husband is Sleeping with My Mother ~ That motherfucker!

What Is It Like To Be an Adult and Not Have Kids? ~ It’s like being a kid yourself. A kid who has sex, stays out all night doing exciting things and has lots of money.

The Makers Of Axe Now Say It Can Cure Homosexuality ~ Well, a sharp blade can cure just about anything, but is it ethical?

Poll finds fresh increase in US racism ~ Europe must really be laughing their heads off at us right now. Or they would be, anyway, if they didn’t still have seasonal race riots or if they’d ever voted a black dude to head the EU. So stick that in your stein and drink it, Fritz!

Ultimate Fighter BREAKS His Penis in Half! ~ Sorry, folks–we feel that some things are just too awful to joke about.

What Is Your Hair Color Personality? ~ Master-race. Hey–you asked.

Individually, We’re Super-Nice People. It’s Only When We Run In Packs That You Want To Start Keeping An Eye Out.

Deaf Belgian twins, 45, win right to die after losing sight ~ If you were somehow able to ask Helen Keller what she thought of these monozygotic mama’s boys, she’d probably tell you, “Aughaguh ruwurgh!”

Costa Mesa confronts homelessness head-on ~ No, really–head on. Like with a car. They really don’t care for the homeless in the OC.

Alabama woman accused of biting husband’s genitals ~ Before you judge, try to remember that ball-biting is what passes for foreplay in Alabama. Those poor folks just don’t know no better.

Some say Obama will be last African American president ~ Notably the same political sages who said in 2007 that we’d never have an African-American president in the first place.

Basic hygiene at risk in debt-stricken Greek hospitals ~ And it’s not like the Greeks have ever been as crazy about hygiene as they are about, say, man-boy love.

The 10 biggest errors in baseball history ~ Shorts on the White Sox has got to be way up there. That was just gay, and we mean that in the bad way.

Yes, It Was Worse Than That Time They Threw The World Series.

Sparks Advance in WNBA Playoffs ~ So they’re still doing that WNBA thing? Well good! Good for them!

Did the Fish Sandwich That Jay-Z Bought Zadie Smith Violate NYT Ethical Guidelines? ~ Huh. So is this how you saw your future career when you got that acceptance letter from the Columbia School of Journalism? Just curious.

It’s So Big! ~ If we had a dollar for every time we heard that….

Condi Rice Is in No Position To Lecture Anyone on Foreign Policy ~ To be fair, her position as a Stanford political science professor does put her in a pretty good position to lecture people on foreign policy with some regularity.

Boy, 7, shot to death outside Pa. gun store ~ Not just irony–shootin’ irony.

Obesity is a Bigger Problem Globally than Hunger ~ Absolutely. A self-inflicted ‘epidemic’ that kills rich first-world folks over the course of decades is no less heinous than the sight of swole-bellied children starving to death under a fly-choked sky.

The Fact That You Will Never Have To Suffer Hypertension, Diabetes, Gout Or A Host Of First-World Maladies Should Put An End To Your Sense Of Entitlement And Also Help With Your Obvious Body-Image Issues.

Pennsylvania man fails at 2 suicide attempts on interstate before work ~ HR immediately pink-slipped that two-time loser.

Perfect 10? Never Mind That. Ask Her for Her Credit Score. ~ Hold on now. Remember, you can’t hump a credit score.

Is Islam’s prophet Muhammad to have more screen time? ~ Unless Regal Entertainment Group is actively seeking a fatwa, our guess is “no.”

Hermit Crabs Adapting To Kick Neighboring Crabs Out Of Homes ~ These arthropods are more properly called ‘Slumlord Crabs.’

Army of kids drenches Biden with massive waterpower ~ This could be the Rosetta Stone of all piss-jokes, if only we could unlock it.

Taking a different view of pedophilia ~ One clergyman’s take on this contentious issue.

“Don’t Spare The Rod. Am I Right, Fellahs?”

Ask the Headhunter: ‘Are Headhunters Worth Talking To?’ ~ The headhunter says that yes, headhunters are very much worth talking to.

Colorado coed breaks ankle on Wyoming mountain, records video ~ This is hardly out of character for her–she sent out a press release when she got her first period.

Why you want to ‘eat’ cute puppies ~ Because you’re Korean and it’s a cultural thing.

’89 School Shooting Survivor: ‘It Gets Better’ ~ “In 2004 I regained the ability to move my right thumb 45 °. I’m gonna walk someday–you wait and see!”

Jennifer Aniston & Brad Pitt Separated 8 Years Ago ~ And here we are still talking about it.

Alameda County sheriff seeks drone to fight crime ~ Is there an Alameda County in Kandahar? Otherwise this seems…we don’t know…kinda un-American?

Taliban Insurgents Learned Their Rage Through A Life Of War And Deprivation. Oakland Anarchists Came To It By Way Of The Middle Class.

Headlines: 07.23.12

23 Monday Jul 2012

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture

≈ 23 Comments

Tags

Arkansas, California, cannabis, cat ladies, death by automobile, Detroit, dope, drunken Irishmen, drunken Native Americans, fat people, fun with stereotypes, Hamas, headlines, hemp, Holocaust, ignorance--it's what we do, Islam, Israel, lame sports, legalize it, marijuana, medical marijuana, Michigan, Miss Holocaust, News of the Duh, Nobel Peace Prize, Penn State, phony diseases, skanks, Smaktakula's decades-old vendetta against the French, Smaktakula's hatred of clowns, sweet sweet cheeba, the navy's pretty gay already, the reefer, US Navy, weed, Why am I so fat?

By Smaktakula

Who Reads This, Really? That’s An Awful Lot Of Words.

In which we’re presumptuous enough to opine on the day’s headlines, but too damn lazy to read the articles.

***

8 Things You Didn’t Know About Restless Legs Syndrome ~ One of them is that it’s not a real disease.

‘Cat ladies’ more likely to commit suicide, scientists claim ~ This and much, much more in next month’s issue of Stop the Presses! America’s Most Trusted Source for News of the Painfully Obvious.

Why Women Love One-Night Stands ~ They enjoy having drunken intercourse with a person they’ll never have to see again, much as men do.

Police identify bodies found in Detroit River ~ But that’s all the time we have tonight. If you didn’t hear the name of your loved one’s water-swollen corpse announced on tonight’s show, tune in next week for another exciting episode of “Fishin’ the Motor City.”

Fear of clowns is serious ~ Sadly, your commitment to real journalism doesn’t appear to be.

And A Mime Is Nothing But A French Clown, So Double-Bad.

Navy’s new gender-neutral carriers won’t have urinals ~ If you enjoyed the furor surrounding “Gays in the Military,” you’ll love “Who Left the Fucking Seat up in the Head?”

Twitter reaction: Does Penn State deserve the death penalty? ~ Not sure. But let us ask you this: does an issue as serious as the death penalty deserve your clumsy metaphor?

Hamas Suspends Voter Registration… ~ It was a purely a question of human resources. One more man out registering voters means one less busload of dead Israeli kids.

Father, son lose 260 pounds after weight loss surgery ~ This extraordinary achievement didn’t happen overnight, folks–it took a single-minded focus, dedication to the cause and years upon years of effort before that surgeon became certified to suck the rivers of lard from those two human baleen.

Miss Holocaust Survivor’ crowned in Israel ~ We heard it was a gas.  (Oh, like this wasn’t already in abominably poor taste even BEFORE we arrived on the scene?)

No Matter What Atrocities We Commit Against One Another, We Can Never Quench The Essential Dignity Of The Human Spirit.

Arkansas marijuana proposal needs more signatures ~ Given that it’s Arkansas, all one needs to do to sign the petition is to be able to scratch out a crude X.

Proposal for ‘English only’ city council meetings sparks debate in Walnut, Calif. ~ If by debate, you mean a top-volume screaming match in a rainbow of exotic tongues.

Have a sexy walk? You’re probably having a LOT of orgasms ~ Smaktakula often experiences spontaneous orgasms while walking, and while it never fails to arouse comments from witnesses, it has never been described as “sexy.” Certainly not by the authorities.

Irishman survives after great white shark attack in Australia ~ That shark had just celebrated ten years of sobriety. He wasn’t about to go throw all that away for one Irishman.

My husband had sex with me while I was in a drunken state. Should I divorce him? ~ We’ll answer this one seriously, because our typical smartassery cannot hope to do justice to such a profoundly serious marital issue. ABSOLUTELY you should divorce him. Do it right now! It’s not fair that your husband should be chained for the remainder of his days to such a fucked-up, games playing, frigid bitch. And might we suggest choosing as your next mate a fellow who’s just been released from the penitentiary? Having been so long denied the company of a woman, he’ll no doubt treat you like the precious little flower that you are.

‎In some Olympic sports, the US just doesn’t make the grade ~Then you can’t really consider them sports.

Just Because Estonians Are Crazy About It, Doesn’t Mean It’s Worth Doing.

The Upside of Letting Your Child Fail ~ Always having that failure to lord over him.

If Pot Were Truly Legal, Joints Would Cost Only a Few Cents ~ Folks, very often when writing these things, a headline will inspire two or more different gags, and we go with the one we like best. The provocative title above inspires literally so many different responses (almost entirely rancorous and replete with four-letter words) that the inside of Smaktakula’s skull sounds like the trading floor of the New Delhi Stock Exchange five minutes before the closing bell.

10 Ways the World Could End ~ One of them is ‘It Was All Just A Dream!’ That is such a fucking cop-out.

Is It Time to Stop Fearing Islamism? ~ Wait a sec while we check to see what’s going on in the world…hold on, checking…ah, there we go…Nope–still pretty scary.

Native American Communities Affected by Climate Change Plan for the Future ~ They’re stocking up on Old Granddad & Wild Turkey as we speak.

He’s Got Us There. We’re Joking About An Epidemic That Is Destroying A Culture Even The Most Powerful Nation On Earth Couldn’t Crush.

Nobel Peace Prize winners say US must lead global peace efforts, wars should … ~ Continuing the bold behavior which earned most of them the Peace Prize in the first place, talking about what other people should do to lead peace efforts.

10 Signs That Death is Near ~ #4: Massive, unstoppable bleeding.

Medical Marijuana: A Patient Perspective ~ It’s great. Really, we can’t speak highly enough about it. Heartily endorsed.

Boston U graduate student dies in fall in Turkey ~ That’s so romantic. Turkey is lovely in the fall.

A dog’s last moments photographed ~ “Oh my gosh–the look on Shep’s little doggie face when he finally realizes the truck isn’t going to stop in time–is that NOT just the cutest thing you’ve ever seen in your life?”

“BAAAAAAAAAAAAARK!”

Al Qaeda: Surprisingly Sensitive

25 Tuesday Oct 2011

Posted by Smaktakula in Crime, Culture, History, News, Politics

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

9/11, al Qaeda, anti-semitism, Axis of Evil, comical despots, George W. Bush, Holocaust, inside job, Iran, Israel, jealousy, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is batshit crazy, Pearl Harbor, places that suck, Saddam Hussein, Saddam totally did it, Smaktakula's distrust of short people, The Great Satan, Twin Towers, United States of America, Yakov Smirnoff

By Smaktakula

Ahmadinejad Resembles Comedian Yakov Smirnoff, But The Similarities End There: The Iranian President Is Actually Quite Funny.

Tiny nutjob Mahmoud Ahmadinejad can always be counted on to publicly propound a plethora of preposterous political theories and irresponsible historical revisionism.  Over the years, Iran’s pint-sized potentate has kept his many apologists busy explaining away such bellicose assertions as “Israel must be wiped off the map,” and tired claims that the Holocaust is a Jewish fiction. Ahmadinejad’s statements regarding the events of September 11th, 2001, the catalyst for the United States’ War on Terror, have left his defenders scrambling, and have unexpectedly invited criticism from within the Axis of Evil.

Like so many others before him, Ahmadinejad likes to make hay with the idea that the horrific events of September 11th, 2001 were an inside job.  This theory has gained some traction among the mouth-breathing element of the population, embarrassingly eager to believe George W. Bush the evil genius behind the sinister machinations.  Promethean Times has long asserted that the actual culprit behind the Twin Tower Attacks was the nefarious Saddam Hussein.

Sooner Or Later, Everything Turns Out To Be An Inside Job.

Jewish groups have long met with opprobrium Ahmadinejad’s anti-Semitic rants and repeated calls for the destruction of Israel, but now factions within the Islamofascist community have begun to chafe under Ahmadinejad’s comments.  It seems that the boys in al Qaeda–Ahmadinejad’s erstwhile allies in despising anything Western or fun–have a bone to pick with the pint-sized Persian.

The feared international terrorist organization has grown weary of Ahmadinejad’s constantly blaming the United States for the events of 9/11.  Al Qaeda wants to make it very clear, that they–and not a sinister cabal within the United States–planned and executed the tragedy.  Al Qaeda claims that the Iranian president–who most observers agree would piss himself to inflict upon the Great Satan just a tenth of what al Qaeda was able to achieve– is deliberately misattributing their historic actions to an internal American plot for no reason other than simple jealousy.

Let's Give Credit Where Credit Is Due.

Guardian: Axelrod Calls Israeli Announcement ‘Insult’

15 Monday Mar 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in General Foolishness, International Relations, Middle East, Politics, World Affairs

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

anti-Israel policy, Benjamin Netanyahu, Biden being Biden, Biden gaffes, Binyamin Netanyahu, David Axelrod, Guardian UK, insult to US, Israel, Joe Biden, Obama Administration, Palestine, Palestinians, pro-Palestinian bias, settlements, United States of America, US-Israeli Relations, Vice President Biden, Zionism

American Mideast policy has returned to normal.  That is to say, the new normal.       

One of President Obama’s most senior aides has described Israel‘s sudden announcement of plans to build 1,600 homes in occupied East Jerusalem as an “affront” to the US which could undermine peace efforts in the Middle East.       

“This was an affront, it was an insult but most importantly it undermined this very fragile effort to bring peace to that region,” he said on NBC’s Meet the Press. “For this announcement to come at that time was very destructive.”       

On March 10th, Promethean Times questioned the political validity of the warm comments Vice President Joe Biden made on a trip to Israel.  Sadly, what seemed like a statement of solidarity with America’s only consistently reliable Mideast ally was just Biden being Biden.  The Obama Administration will continue to regard Israel as an aggressor against the beleaguered and long-suffering Palestinians.       

Continue reading →

Biden: An International Attempt To Isolate Israel Right Now

10 Wednesday Mar 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Middle East, Politics, World Affairs

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

anti-Israel policy, Biden being Biden, Biden gaffes, gaffe, Israel, Joe Biden, Palestinian statehood, Shimon Peres, US-Israeli Relations, Vice President Biden

And apparently, the US isn’t part of it.  Does the President know about this?

The Jerusalem Post says:

US VP meets Peres, says “since our administration came to power Iran is more isolated”; stresses “absolutely no space between Israel and US” where Israel’s security is concerned.

Biden’s comments sound good,  but are at odds with the Obama Administration’s undeclared anti-Israel policy.  Given this, are the Vice President’s words a hopeful sign–or just another Biden gaffe?

Decide for yourself: Biden: There is an int’l attempt to isolate Israel right now.

Smaktakula

Haaretz: Secret Israeli Report: U.S. Is Cozying Up To Palestinians

08 Monday Mar 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Duh, Middle East, Politics, Terrorism, World Affairs

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

Fatah, George Mitchell, Haaretz, Hamas, Intifada, Israel, Israeli-Palestinian proximity talks, Middle East, Obama Administration, Palestine, Palestinian statehood, pro-Palestinian bias, secret Israeli report, United States of America, US Mideast Envoy

The devil you say!

The classified report claims that in the preparatory discussions for the Israeli-Palestinian proximity talks the Obama administration adopted positions that are closer to Palestinian demands.

If the Israelis think that the current US administration’s pro-Palestinian bias is secret, maybe Moshe’s Eleven aren’t so clever after all.

Read the shocking revelations regarding this abrupt about-face in US foreign policy: Secret Israeli report: U.S. is cozying up to Palestinians – Haaretz – Israel News.

Smaktakula

Moshe’s Eleven

16 Tuesday Feb 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Middle East, World Affairs

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

BBC, Dubai, Hamas, Interpol, Israel, Mahmoud al-Mabhouh, Mossad

From the BBC News–Dubai Seeks 11 Europeans For Hamas Killing

11 mysterious Europeans are suspected in killing of Hamas bad guy Mahmoud al-Mabhouh.

Dubai Police have passed on the identities of the 11 to Interpol.  This is apparently in hopes that the crack team of Israeli badasses who patiently waited to extract a brutal vengeance on this guy were careless enough to use their real names.

Intrigue here: BBC News – Dubai seeks ’11 Europeans’ for Hamas killing.

Update:  Apparently the suspects’ passports were fraudulent.  Those sneaky devils–they’re always one step ahead of us.

Smaktakula

Ahmadinejad Is The Bomb

11 Thursday Feb 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Politics, Science, World Affairs

≈ 1 Comment

Tags

anti-semitism, enriched plutonium, fission, Iran, Israel, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, mutually assured destruction, nuclear war

By Smaktakula

Prickly Iranian president and great friend of America, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, is claiming that Iranian scientists have enriched plutonium to a fissionable level.  Hopefully the little dictator is talking out of his Ascot.

Continue reading →

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