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Tag Archives: raves

Tardsie’s True-Ass Tales: Keg-Stands With Jesus

10 Friday Aug 2012

Posted by Smaktakula in History, Religion

≈ 32 Comments

Tags

athiesm, Christ Crashers, Christianity, drugs, Evangelicals, house party, Jesus of Nazareth, raves, Tardsie's True-Ass Tales

By Tardsie

If Partying With The Lord Is Wrong, We Don’t Want To Be Right.

Growing up in a fundamentalist environment, you can bet I’ve seen a lot of proselytizing.  From missionaries converting the heathens in countries far and wide to In-N-Out’s Bible verse-emblazoned cups to the dude who used to treat football audiences to his home-made JOHN 3:16 sign. Some of these methods are overt, others sneaky. But not a one of them can match a membership drive so ballsy and innovative that I’m astounded I’ve not yet seen it repeated: Christ-Crashing.

Tardsie Can Sing This For You If You Like.

I like a nice house party. I’ve never really cared for big, anonymous keggers with their dense oceans of sweaty, beer-sloshing yahoos and 130-decibel rumble, and still view raves as enervating ‘Tard-fests set to a shrieking 4/4 beat, suitable primarily for the procurement of drugs. House parties, on the other hand, with no more than 100 guests (and usually fewer), were a lot more my speed, because you could actually carry on a conversation with another person. Back in my single days, this was practically a requirement–although I’m a handsome enough guy, for whatever reason, I just don’t have the the kind of looks that make the ladies weak in the knees. So back in the day, if I had any hope whatsoever of getting lucky, it was my mouth that would get me there (my mouth could also queer the deal with a quickness; I walked a razor-thin line in my youth). So house parties were always more my thing.

But Is Telling You You’re Attractive Really Such A Terrible Lie? Best Case Scenario–Everybody Wins.

About ten years or so ago, I attended a house party in Auburn, Washington. By 9:00 PM the house was loud and packed, crowd runoff spilling out onto the back deck and into the wide, sloping back yard.  Cigarette smoke mingled with the meaty tang of  dogs on the grill.  The volume steadily increased. But what none of us knew was that on the street outside, sinister forces were already advancing upon us.

“We’re Gonna Stand Around A Keg Of Redemption And Do Shots Of Jesus!”

Another thing I like about house parties is that inevitably, clusters of people form at various points in the house and yard, with people leaving groups and joining them, new ones forming and old ones disappearing. The addition of one new face to a cluster of people slightly changes the complexion of the conversation, which grows and changes as long as the party lasts. This facet of the house party experience was the vulnerability the Christ-crashers preyed upon.

Jesus Says He’ll Come Back If Some Chicks Show Up.  After Hanging Out With Twelve Dudes ALL Day, He Wants No Part Of This Sausage Fest.

The clandestine force had by this time breached the intimacy of the gathering.  No one yet knew that a cadre of insidious strangers already walked among us.  No one would until it was too late. About twenty minutes earlier, a group of about a dozen unremarkable twentysomething men and women arrived at the party.  They arrived in groups of one or two, either through the front or garage door, which was wide open.

The Party Is Here On Earth.

Once inside the party’s perimeter, the operatives split up, sidling up to different groups throughout the home and property. One of them joined the conversation I was having. I didn’t recognize him, but assumed–as the Christ-crashers were counting on–he was friends with other people at the party. Meanwhile, everyone was making this same mistaken assumption.

We started to get an inkling that something might be wrong when, in the space of no more than ninety seconds, every conversation at the party had turned to the redemptive works of the Lord Jesus Christ. No matter how base, inane or vile the conversation had been prior to the crashing, every conversation was now a theological one. Still not realizing we were being invaded, some of us debated the Christ-crashers politely, others turned abusive.

ATHEIST

All The Charm & Goodwill Of That Shitty Little Kid Who Ruins The Santa Thing For Other Kids.

It didn’t take long to understand the problem and identify the perpetrators.  They were dressed nearly identically, in dark blue track suits. They were shortish, men and women both, with traces of an Eastern European accent. I am very intrigued by accents, and asked where they were from. Their spokesman, a compact man with boyish features grew visibly uncomfortable and said, “We’re Americans.”

“Yeah, but you’re not from here originally, are you?” I asked, not accusing, simply curious (and I go through this little dance all the time; folks, if you don’t want me to ask where your accent is from, then fucking lose it. And if you don’t want a whole host of other questions, don’t fucking tell me it’s British–not all Americans are that stupid). The closest he came to saying was answering me in the affirmative when I asked if he was Slavic. The matter was quickly sorted out, and the newcomers revealed to be members of a local fundamentalist church.  The spokesman explained that they were a sort of youth outreach, bringing a message of salvation to iniquitous gatherings like this one.

Because Who Knows More About Saving Your Soul Than A Creepy Little Foreigner?

Even in the face of the Christ Crashers’ machinations, the host proved a class act by inviting them to stay. Sadly, the strange little man took the position that the Heavenly Father frowned upon drinking, clearly forgetting why Jesus was in such high demand as a wedding guest throughout Canaan circa 30 AD.

“Some Say My First Miracle Was The Coolest.”

The host’s not-inconsiderable patience by this time exhausted, the Crashers quickly found themselves back on the street. Undeterred, the Jesus Jihadists set off  to find someone else who wanted just a little more Son of Man at his or her party.

It happened once; it can–and almost certainly will–happen again. So if ever you find yourself at a party, and all at once every conversation turns to the joy of having a relationship with Christ, don’t panic–you’ve just been Christ-crashed.

This Christ-Crasher Is All Tuckered Out.

Raves Are Best Enjoyed Without Drugs Or Love

03 Friday Sep 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture, Culture, Music, News

≈ 6 Comments

Tags

arrests, club kids, death by love, death by overdose, death by stampede, Diabetes, drugs, ecstacy, Germans in large groups are best avoided, good clean American fun, I'm not the Lorax Dammit!, Los Angeles, Love Festival, Love Parade, rave culture, raves, stampede, techno music, the Lorax, trampling deaths, Wilford Brimley, your mother must be very proud

By Smaktakula

It’s hard to believe that the world has changed so much in just a year.  For at least a generation, raves represented one of the last bastions of good, clean, American fun.  But now things are changing: the unwelcome shadow of drugs is increasingly encroaching upon the outer edges of the scene.

These Drug-Free Kids Prove The Old Raver Adage: You Can Be Dippy Without Being Trippy.

When Promethean Times first reported on this phenomenon, we dismissed these early warnings as the work of one or two bad apples.  Nor were we alone in underestimating the threat posed by illicit chemicals.  Promethean Times still holds that drugs are not necessary to enjoy an air-raid siren set to a metronomic beat, and that the shared joy of grinding sexlessly against the nearest sweaty, stinking body is in no way enhanced by chemicals.  We believe that a twenty-eight year old dressed up as the Lorax can be kooky and fun, and not just a wincingly pitiable product of drug-attenuated tastes.  But are these long-cherished values still embraced by today’s young ravers?

"I'm Not The Lorax, Dammit! I'm Wilford Brimley, And Your Diabetes Is Out Of Control!"

There are troubling indications that these wholesome traditions are breaking down.  In Los Angeles, 80 people were arrested and several hospitalized at yet another rave.  Most of the arrests and hospitalizations were the result of drug use.

Fact: Gathering Massive Numbers Of Germans In One Place For Any Reason Means Someone's Going To Die.

The use of “Love” in the name of the gathering points to a disturbing new trend, where young people hold orgiastic celebrations in honor of the positive emotion.   Americans should count themselves lucky with the casualties they did receive–in the German Love Parade 21 people were crushed to death in a stampede of unbridled affection.

Your Mother Must Be Very Proud.

Still Not What You Were Looking For?

30 Friday Jul 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Art, Baseball, Cinema, Culture, Drug Culture, Drugs, Duh, General Foolishness, History, Hollywood, Humor, International Relations, National Politics, People, Places, Political Correctness, Sports, Television, World Affairs

≈ 3 Comments

Tags

'Lil Kim, Abigail Folger, America's ambivlence toward soccer, Barack Obama, Billie Joe Armstrong, Bush Brothers and Company, celebrity skin, Charles Manson, Chesley Sullenberger, Corey Haim, courtesy tips, cults, Dana Carvey, demon weed, dope, Duke, fauxhawk, Flower of American Skankhood, Frances Bean Cobain, Freddie Mercury, Garfield, George Sherrill, grammar, grass, Haimster, hippies, Improved Order of Red Men, internet pornography, Iran, Irene Folstrom, John Bobbit, Johnston's procedure, Kim Jong-il, lasagna, LiLo, Lindsay Lohan, Live Aid, Makwala Derrickson Hall, Manson Family, marijuana, marijuana legalization, Mensa, Mike Meyers, Morris the Cat, mullets, Nermal, North Korea, not what you were looking for?, Odie, Oxford ponce, Pakistan, penis, pervert, pot, prison food, Prometheus Society, Queen, racism, Ramtha, Randy Johnson, rapists, rave culture, raves, reefer, Reverend Fred Phelps, severed penis, skankery, Sully Sullenberger, sweet sweet cheeba, that shitty beard too!, the Big Unit, tiny penis, Tommy Lee, Tommy Lee's massive tool, treachery, untalented stars, US Airways Flight 1549, volcanic activity, volcanoes, vulgarity is the secret ingredient, Waco, Waco Massacre, Wal-Mart, Washington State, Westboro Baptist Church, Yelm

By Smaktakula

In which we once again present some of the various search-engine keywords used to find Promethean Times. Some, we suspect, were not on purpose.  See our first installment here: Not What You Were Looking For?.

live aid Geez, you put up one stupid Live Aid post, and suddenly you’ve got idiots knocking down your door for the rest of time.  Is Freddie Mercury really that beloved?  Thank you so much, Mike Meyers.  You too, Carvey.

humboldt promethean society Not sure if we can help you.  The Prometheus Society is club for freaks too smart for Mensa.  Smaktakula takes a dim view of organizations whose rigorous standards preclude his admission.  While there may in fact be many such individuals living in isolated cabins deep within the remote wilderness of Humboldt, these reclusive geniuses are no doubt so removed from society at large that they’re unlikely to turn up on an internet search.  Fortunately, anyone that smart knows to stay away from the demon weed, the great bane of the Humboldt.

narco children Frances Bean Cobain just wants to live a normal life.  Please try to respect that.

redman fraternal organization Right here.  Whites only, please.

criticism should 1549 “Sullenberger” We will tolerate no criticism of the heroic Captain Sullenberger.  The birds sent you, didn’t they?

wind up monkey Clang!  Clang!

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when mullets attack We’re listening.

hell of a mullet Hell yeah!

skanky ho lindsay lohan Isn’t she, though?

raves should be illegal and banned Big Dittos, Rush!

old rainier brewery rave  Smaktakula may have attended one of these.  As a narc, of course.

will marijuana be legal in 2010 Not if Promethean Times has anything to say about it, Hippie!

ramtha volcanic eruption  We’ve got it.

ramtha marijuana Interesting.  Tell us more.

bush brothers & co new product New?  Treachery is as old as time itself.

passionate people and constructive crit Tell it to your diary, Nancy.

bull rider die And how!

waco massacre Dammit, Janet!

driving courtesy tips THANK YOU.

george sherrill beard—Yeah, we hate it too.

jesse sherrill senior rape trial 2010 You’re thinking of Jessie Sherrill, an accused rapist from Christian County, Kentucky.  We’ve got George Sherrill, whose late-inning incompetence doesn’t look half as bad when juxtaposed with a rapist.

kim jong il in united states Supposedly he’s in the United States secretly to buy DVDs and to fight female rapper ‘Lil Kim to the death over the use of the diminutive.  It is imperative that the United States Government not allow Kim to purchase those DVDs.

garfield the cat pitchman Fuck his fat lasagna-craving ass.  Promethean Times has never apologized for our Morrisist leanings and we never will.  Fuck Nermal and Odie, too.

haimster, 1971-2010 It still hurts.

pakastani home mad porn movies Ah!  A connoisseur!

irene folstrom Isn’t she the coffee heiress that the Manson kids chopped up?

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obama surprised Say Whaaaaaaaat?

sexy man cock Fred, just stop.  While we must admit we were initially flattered by your attention, your persistence has become a real turn-off.  The answer is no.

billie joe armstrong’s penis We hear it’s tiny.  Tommy Lee’s joint, however–now, that’s a penis.

johnston’s procedure penis A procedure to remedy “Torsion of the penis” which sounds pretty awful, and makes Smaktakula a bit of a dick for including it here.

north korean prison food Don’t be foolish.  There hasn’t been food in North Korea for years.

john bobbit penis + picture It’s in your bathroom above the sink.  Try looking at eye level.

have proven have proved Look, Smaktakula’s grammar is pretty goddamn good, but everybody makes mistakes.  You think this is easy?  You think it’s just talking like an Oxford ponce and liberally peppering the whole thing with vulgarities?  Okay, so maybe it is–but let’s see you try it, cock-knocker.  But then, we have an unfortunate tendency to over-analyze.

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News Of The Duh: Evidence Suggests Some Illegal Drug Use In Rave Culture

05 Monday Jul 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Art, Crime, Culture, Drug Culture, Drugs, Duh, General Foolishness, Music, People, Relationships, Social Networking

≈ 4 Comments

Tags

15 year-old, blind unreasoning panic, club kids, designer drugs, drug overdose, drugs, ecstacy, Electric Daisy Carnival. Los Angeles, illegal drugs, LA Memorial Coliseum, News of the Duh, one percenters, panic, rave culture, raves, Rock & Roll, techno music

There’s much wisdom in the old maxim, “If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.”  Readers of Promethean Times will know that we subscribe not only to this aphorism, but also its corollary: “If it is broke, the best course of action is immediate panic.”  We favor blind, unreasoning panic over most other varieties of temporary fear-based madness.         

When a 15 year-old girl died of a suspected drug overdose after attending the 14th annual Electric Daisy Carnival at the LA Memorial Coliseum, authorities scurried into action.  The obvious solution was to prohibit further raves at the Coliseum.           

This is a troubling development for everyone touched by the rave scene.  This is not to suggest that all or even most clubbers use illicit drugs.  It is likely a very small minority, a group of “one percenters.”         

Starchyld Von Asskandy (Pictured Above) Says Most Ravers "Will Not Tolerate Illegal Drug Use."

Promethean Times applauds the decision to ban raves at the Coliseum.  Although the young girl’s accidental death appears to be an isolated incident, the danger remains that if unchecked, an incident like this could blow open the doorway for drugs into rave culture.  This would be a pity.  In 2010 there are very few places a young person can go where drugs aren’t a constant temptation.  For many years, raves have been just that kind of environment, and now a few bad apples seem hellbent to sully this wholesome activity.            

The ban on raves in the Coliseum will have two positive effects.  First, it will send a strong message to the one percenters in the rave community that these kinds of shenanigans won’t be tolerated.  Drugs have already ruined Rock & Roll; we mustn’t let them sully the soulless electronic chirp of techno.            

The second result will be even more profound.  With no more raves at the Coliseum, the attendant drug problem should trickle away.  The ban will also give pause to ravers who might be thinking about trying illegal drugs. 

Critics of the ban charge that these young people will simply take their party elsewhere.  This is unlikely.  The promoters of such an event would be breaking several laws, as well as jeopardizing the health of children.  The notion of an illegal, underground rave is pure fantasy.     

This Young Fellow Is Tuckered Out From All That Dancing.

Some People Just Have To Ruin It For Everybody: Teenage girl dies of suspected drug overdose after attending weekend rave at L.A. Coliseum – latimes.com.             

Smaktakula

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