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By Smaktakula  

Of All The Legumes, The Pea Is Far And Away The Biggest Asshole.

When longtime emphysema-sufferer Ron Sveden complained of chest pains, doctors immediately feared the worst.  X-ray data seemed to support these concerns, revealing a small dark spot on one of Sveden’s lungs.  The doctors gave the 75 year-old the bad news: It was most likely cancer.             

Sveden’s doctors had reached the limits of their diagnostic powers; without a biopsy, a firm answer was impossible.  The medical team began by cutting into Sveden’s sternum and cracking his ribs so that they could access the corrupted snotbags which had been lungs when Sveden was a boy.             

The surgeon soon located an object corresponding to the black spot on the X-ray.  It definitely wasn’t cancer.  But what was it?                           

"Well, I'll Be Doggoned! It Was Just An Invasive Plant Growing Deep Within The Tissues Of Your Body. How Disturbingly Hilarious! I'm Literally Vomiting With Laughter!"

The doctors had a pretty good chuckle when they removed the strange, fluid-clotted object and cleared away the viscous afterbirth to reveal the culprit: a half-inch pea sprout.               

It turns out that Ron inhaled a pea while eating without being aware of it, a rare oversight from a man who obviously had heretofore taken such meticulous care of his health.  Its entry undetected, the sinister legume managed somehow to find a purchase among the dark and rotten scraps of Ron’s remaining lung tissue, where it began to grow.               

There’s no way to know how large the parasitic pea would have grown if unchecked.  Nor is it known whether the plant would have eventually taken control of Sveden, creating a zombie-like pod person to carry out its malign vegetative bidding.  Fortunately, no one has even suggested that possibility.               

Ron Sveden is said to be wheezing with joy at learning he doesn’t have cancer.  Doctors expect him to make a full recovery within a few months, barring the not-unlikely event that the old man expires from another of his myriad ailments.               

NEXT WEEK: So Is It True That A Certain Spider Lays Its Eggs In Envelope Glue, And Then If Someone Licks The Envelope, A Few Days Later A Cascade Of Baby Spiders Will Erupt From Within Their Tongue? (SPOILER ALERT: It Totally Is.)

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