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Daily Archives: August 16, 2010

Unsettling Urban Legend Springs To Hideous Life

16 Monday Aug 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Critters, Culture, Health, Mythology, National Events, People, Plantlife

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cancer, decrepit old men, emphysema, grody, invasive organisms, legumes, lungs, medical horrors, parasites, pea sprout in lung, peas, Ron Sveden, sinister legume, spider eggs in envelope glue, urban legend, urban legends, wacky ideas, zombie-like pod person

By Smaktakula  

Of All The Legumes, The Pea Is Far And Away The Biggest Asshole.

When longtime emphysema-sufferer Ron Sveden complained of chest pains, doctors immediately feared the worst.  X-ray data seemed to support these concerns, revealing a small dark spot on one of Sveden’s lungs.  The doctors gave the 75 year-old the bad news: It was most likely cancer.             

Sveden’s doctors had reached the limits of their diagnostic powers; without a biopsy, a firm answer was impossible.  The medical team began by cutting into Sveden’s sternum and cracking his ribs so that they could access the corrupted snotbags which had been lungs when Sveden was a boy.             

The surgeon soon located an object corresponding to the black spot on the X-ray.  It definitely wasn’t cancer.  But what was it?                           

"Well, I'll Be Doggoned! It Was Just An Invasive Plant Growing Deep Within The Tissues Of Your Body. How Disturbingly Hilarious! I'm Literally Vomiting With Laughter!"

The doctors had a pretty good chuckle when they removed the strange, fluid-clotted object and cleared away the viscous afterbirth to reveal the culprit: a half-inch pea sprout.               

It turns out that Ron inhaled a pea while eating without being aware of it, a rare oversight from a man who obviously had heretofore taken such meticulous care of his health.  Its entry undetected, the sinister legume managed somehow to find a purchase among the dark and rotten scraps of Ron’s remaining lung tissue, where it began to grow.               

There’s no way to know how large the parasitic pea would have grown if unchecked.  Nor is it known whether the plant would have eventually taken control of Sveden, creating a zombie-like pod person to carry out its malign vegetative bidding.  Fortunately, no one has even suggested that possibility.               

Ron Sveden is said to be wheezing with joy at learning he doesn’t have cancer.  Doctors expect him to make a full recovery within a few months, barring the not-unlikely event that the old man expires from another of his myriad ailments.               

NEXT WEEK: So Is It True That A Certain Spider Lays Its Eggs In Envelope Glue, And Then If Someone Licks The Envelope, A Few Days Later A Cascade Of Baby Spiders Will Erupt From Within Their Tongue? (SPOILER ALERT: It Totally Is.)

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Sadly, Anne Heche Still Lives

16 Monday Aug 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Celebrity, Cinema, Culture

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American Idol, Anne Heche, Anne Heche is batshit crazy, bloated tapeworm, Celebrity Death Watch, crazy bitch, Ellen DeGeneres, Ellen's the man!, gay-for-profit, gold digger, heartbreaker, nutty broad, parasite, Portia de Rossi, Portia DeGeneres, social climber, temporarily gay, trading up, treachery, untalented stars

By Smaktakula

The black and kitten skull-encrusted heart of crazy bitch Anne Heche is still beating.  The untalented shrew is best remembered for her lackluster portrayal of a lesbian in 1997-2000’s The Regrettable Saga of The Likeable but Pathetically Deluded Ellen DeGeneres and the Bloated Tapeworm Living In Her Belly.

Nutty Broad Anne Celeste Heche, 1969-?:"My Flaccid Career Could Sure Use A Boost. I Wonder Why Ellen Won't Return My Calls?"

Unlike the nasty parasite whose career she supported for almost three years, Ellen hasn’t fared too poorly.  She may have lost her spot on the cultural and intellectual nadir American Idol, but she not only convinced the former Portia de Rossi to marry her, but also to take her name.  Ellen’s the man.

Portia de Rossi Pictures

Oh, Right.

Ms. Portia DeGeneres: Just so you’re aware–When viewed in a certain light, Smaktakula vaguely resembles Ellen DeGeneres, only taller and much, much funnier.

This Day In History: August 16th, 1977 CE

16 Monday Aug 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Celebrity, Culture, History, Music

≈ 2 Comments

Tags

August 16, dead celebrities, Elvis Aaron Presley, Elvis Legend of Love (a poetric tribute to the KING), erotic Hummel figurines, Graceland, Marie Greenfield, swap meet treasures, Tardsie, Tardsie The Backpack, TCB, the King, this day in history, Travels With Tardsie

On which a grieving world books a room at the Heartbreak Hotel upon the sad news of the King’s death at 42.

Promethean Times' Editorial Assistant Tardsie The Backpack Poses At The Grave Of Elvis Presley.

The following poem is from Ms. Marie Greenfield’s heartfelt Elvis, Legend of Love (a poetric tribute to the KING).  The book is notable for Greenfield’s charming pen and ink drawings of butterflies, flowers and sequined guitars.

ELVIS WAS

So nifty and handsome,

So charming and wise

The dream in my heart,

The light in my eyes.

Elvis, Elvis tell me true,

Did I have a chance with you?

I would have been your clinging vine,

And you would have been mine.

Sadly, this delightful menagerie of grammar-eschewing poems devoted to the KING is no longer in print.  Although Smaktakula purchased Elvis, Legend of Love at a swap meet for a meager $2, he holds it no less dear than his impressive collection of erotic Hummel figurines.

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