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Category Archives: Mythology

Revealed: Why John Adams Became President

02 Monday Jul 2012

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture, General Foolishness, History, Holiday, Humor, Mythology, National Events, National Politics, People, Politics, Relationships, Satire

≈ 11 Comments

Tags

guitar, Independence Day, John Adams, July 2nd, July 4th, lame presidents, marketable skills, President Adams, Samuel Adams, shitty psychics, Thomas Jefferson

By Smaktakula

1) He couldn’t play guitar.

2) Unlike his cousin Sam, a successful brewer to this day, he had no marketable skills.

3) His career as a psychic proved a bust when he made well-publicized but shitty predictions like this one:

The second day of July, 1776, will be the most memorable epoch in the history of America. I am apt to believe that it will be celebrated by succeeding generations as the great anniversary festival.*

A Lack Of Real Options Forced The Presidency Upon Him.

*Thomas Jefferson’s response: “Have fun at your ‘July 2nd’ party, loser!  See the rest of y’all on Sunday.  Bring chicks.”

This Day In History: July 2, 1776 CE

02 Monday Jul 2012

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture, History, Holiday, Mythology, National Events, People, Relationships, Social Networking

≈ 8 Comments

Tags

1776, all men are created equal, Declaration of Independence, Founding Fathers, Great Britain, Independence Day, John Hancock, July 2nd, July 4th, King George III, liberty, Liberty Hall, Pennsylvania, Philadelphia, Redcoats, taxation without representation, this day in history, Thomas Jefferson, United States of America

On which the Founding Fathers tell the tyrant King George III what he can do with his onerous taxes and hated Redcoats.

“Brothers, Let These Words Ring Out Not Only Across A Grateful Nation, But Also May They Resound Throughout Almighty Posterity Itself: Because In Signing This, We Are Good And Truly Fucked.”

This Day In History: September 10, 2001 CE

10 Friday Sep 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture, General Foolishness, History, Humor, Mythology, National Events, People, Terrorism

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

"It's a culinary jihad!", Allahu Akbar: An Eatery For Infidels, Dougie McGinnis, Omaha, Osama bin Laden, pacts, September 10, that trick never works, The Future's So Bright I've Got To Wear Shades, this day in history, tomorrow is another day

On which Dougie McGinnis has high expectations for tomorrow’s grand opening of the Omaha Middle Eastern restaurant into which he has invested his entire life savings and mortgaged his home,  Allahu Akbar: An Eatery For Infidels.

The Future's So Bright, Dougie's Gotta Wear Shades.

What’s an Osama?

Remember America’s Fallen By Making A Purchase

06 Monday Sep 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture, General Foolishness, History, Holiday, Mythology, National Events, North America

≈ 2 Comments

Tags

$$$, America's fallen, Blame Arturo!, capitalism, end of summer, Labor Day, Mammon, Memorial Day, merchandise, sacrifice, shining city on a hill, some gave all, stars & stripes, summer sales, the terrorists win, true meanings of holidays, United States of America

By Smaktakula

It has become easy to think of Memorial Day as simply a time to squeeze in that last vacation before summer comes to an abrupt and aching end, an excuse to drive somewhere and there to cook a piece of meat, or as nothing more than a day off from work.

But most of us know in our hearts that Memorial Day is so much more than that.  It is a time to reflect upon those brave men and women who gave all that they had so that the stars & stripes might still wave over this last, greatest bastion of freedom, this shining city on the hill.

At some point today, take a short break from the barbecue or the ball game, and for a few moments, meditate on the sacrifices of these brave Americans, and upon that indefinable thing for which they gave their lives.

Then, throw a bone to Mammon and go get yourself a little something.  Otherwise, the terrorists win.

Let U$ Prai$e Him!

And the same can be said for Labor Day, only it’s for commies, too!

 

Meet Tomorrow’s Tyrants Today: Even Littler Kim

02 Thursday Sep 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Asia, Culture, History, Military, Mythology, Politics, World Affairs

≈ 4 Comments

Tags

'Lil 'Lil Kim, Brilliant Comrade, California, comical despots, fun with stereotypes, impoverished third-world hellhole, Kim Curly-jo, Kim Jong-il, Kim Jong-un, Kim Jong-un is batshit crazy, Kim Larry-il, meet tomorrow's tyrants today, Nintendo, North Korea, Nyuk! Nyuk! Nyuk!, third generation tyrants

By Smaktakula

The question of succession in North Korea weighs heavily on heads of state across the globe.  This is particularly true for neighbors of the belligerent Asian nation, who fear the possible future of a North Korea even more despotic and mercurial than the current regime.

Meet the Brilliant Comrade, Kim Jong-un.  Born sometime around 1982 or 1983, Kim Jong-il’s youngest son and chosen successor is said to be very much like his father in temperament and tastes, meaning he is a megalomaniacal, avaricious dickball perfectly suited to lord over North Korea during the stupefying ruination of the impoverished third-world hellhole.

There is some danger of a power struggle after the elder Kim dies.  Not only does the Brilliant Comrade face treachery on the military front from upstart generals grown weary of Clan Kim’s wacky rule, but also internecine connivance from passed-over older brothers, Kim Larry-il and Kim Curly-jo.

This is one of the few pictures of ‘Lil ‘Lil Kim known to exist.

"Do You Rike . . . Nintendo?"

Update: Within five minutes of the picture’s publication, authorities received over five hundred calls from citizens who claimed they had spotted Kim Jong-un.  The vast majority of these erroneous sightings–and in one or two cases false imprisonment–occurred in Orange and Los Angeles County shopping malls.

Feud With Manson Family Now Officially A ‘Beef’

30 Monday Aug 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Crime, Culture, Drug Culture, General Foolishness, Music, Mythology, People, Prison Culture, Relationships, Social Networking

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

Abigail Folger, California, Charles Manson, Charlie, Charlie Manson is batshit crazy, comical spelling errors, Corcoran State Prison, crazy fucker, crazy people, cult leaders, Helter Skelter, Irene Folstrom, Manson Family, mass murderers, mental illness, Tate-Labianca Murders

By Smaktakula

Charles Manson: Believes He Has Been Unfairly Depicted As Some Kind Of Lunatic.

Corcoran State Prison, California:  Messianic fantasist Charles Manson is said to be upset with website Promethean Times over some material which appeared on the site.  On August 17th, Promethean Times published an article entitled Helpful Hints For Everyday Life: Family Matters, in which Manson was depicted as interpreting a message from the Beatles to mean that one of his followers, or “Family,” should prepare a sandwich for the deranged cult leader.                                   

Manson released the following statement late yesterday:                                    

People talk about Charlie Manson all the time.  They love to talk, talk, talk–and this dude with the ridiculous name ain’t no different.  But let Uncle Charlie share some wisdom with you and clear some things right up:  Charlie is like a dark sun, and his light shines on you, Baby!                                   

Man, it don’t matter how safe you think you are ’cause Charlie’s in here and you’re out there, but already my people walk among you, Piggies.                                

Smaktakula is dead!  He’s dead and doesn’t even know it yet, man!  He was dead yesterday.  He was dead before his parents met–before time began.                     

The people got to learn–they got to learn what happens when you tell lies about Charlie Manson.                               

Okay, in the first place, Charlie doesn’t even like the Beatles.  Man, I don’t know how many times . . .                                    

(Edited for length)                                    

This is the second instance in which Promethean Times and the Manson Family have crossed paths.  The first, an insipid joke juxtaposing Manson Family victim Abigail Folger with Tiger Woods’ former girlfriend Irene Folstrom, is considered something of a nonincident.  The vast majority of Promethean Times readers either missed the joke or didn’t get it.  The 5 readers who got it were in complete accord, finding it hugely unfunny.                         

We Suggest Charlie Carve This Into His Forehead.

From his the security of his vast and well-appointed estate somewhere in North America, Smaktakula said:                                   

We were notified of Mr. Manson’s threats earlier this afternoon by officials at Corcoran.  Smaktakula and the Promethean Times’ staff want to let our readers know that we refused to dignify the spittle-flecked ravings of a sun-starved old man whose formerly shocking excesses have been rendered prosaic by the increasing horrors of the ensuing four decades.                                 

These threats are more pathetic than frightening.  Mr. Manson’s ominous tales about the legions of fanatical acolytes waiting on the master’s word to rise up and begin the great killing are somewhat dubious, when after forty years he still he can’t spell ‘Helter Skelter’ correctly.  That’s right Charlie–it’s got no A in it.  The excess was no doubt due to you already being a complete A-Hole.                       

So, while we are certainly flattered by the attention, we doubt that any morrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr           

death to piggies

healter skelter

                     

goddamnit…still….spelling…it…wro

…
Tell Facebook To Bring You A Sandwich

Helpful Hints For Everyday Life: Family Matters

17 Tuesday Aug 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Crime, Culture, Drug Culture, General Foolishness, History, Justice, Music, Mythology, National Events, People, Relationships, Social Networking

≈ 1 Comment

Tags

Bring Charlie a sandwich!, Charles Manson, Charlie Manson, Charlie Manson is batshit crazy, crazy fucker, cult leaders, cultists, demagoguery, helpful hints, Helter Skelter, Manson Family, murderers, piggies, the "White Album", the Beatles, would-be-Messiahs

By Smaktakula

If you ever find yourself forced to make small talk with wacky cult leader and would-be-Messiah Charles Manson, it’s probably best not to mention the Beatles unless you’ve got the time to hang out for a while.

"Can You See It, Man? Can You Dig What It Says When You Take The First Letter Of Each Song On The White Album And Put Them Together? No, Man! It Doesn't Say 'BDGOWTWH MIBPRDWIJ BYMESHL RHSCRG!' It Says 'Get Charlie A Sandwich, And Not So Much Goddamn Mayo This Time!' It Also Says, 'The War Is Coming; Piggies Die!'"

Unsettling Urban Legend Springs To Hideous Life

16 Monday Aug 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Critters, Culture, Health, Mythology, National Events, People, Plantlife

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

cancer, decrepit old men, emphysema, grody, invasive organisms, legumes, lungs, medical horrors, parasites, pea sprout in lung, peas, Ron Sveden, sinister legume, spider eggs in envelope glue, urban legend, urban legends, wacky ideas, zombie-like pod person

By Smaktakula  

Of All The Legumes, The Pea Is Far And Away The Biggest Asshole.

When longtime emphysema-sufferer Ron Sveden complained of chest pains, doctors immediately feared the worst.  X-ray data seemed to support these concerns, revealing a small dark spot on one of Sveden’s lungs.  The doctors gave the 75 year-old the bad news: It was most likely cancer.             

Sveden’s doctors had reached the limits of their diagnostic powers; without a biopsy, a firm answer was impossible.  The medical team began by cutting into Sveden’s sternum and cracking his ribs so that they could access the corrupted snotbags which had been lungs when Sveden was a boy.             

The surgeon soon located an object corresponding to the black spot on the X-ray.  It definitely wasn’t cancer.  But what was it?                           

"Well, I'll Be Doggoned! It Was Just An Invasive Plant Growing Deep Within The Tissues Of Your Body. How Disturbingly Hilarious! I'm Literally Vomiting With Laughter!"

The doctors had a pretty good chuckle when they removed the strange, fluid-clotted object and cleared away the viscous afterbirth to reveal the culprit: a half-inch pea sprout.               

It turns out that Ron inhaled a pea while eating without being aware of it, a rare oversight from a man who obviously had heretofore taken such meticulous care of his health.  Its entry undetected, the sinister legume managed somehow to find a purchase among the dark and rotten scraps of Ron’s remaining lung tissue, where it began to grow.               

There’s no way to know how large the parasitic pea would have grown if unchecked.  Nor is it known whether the plant would have eventually taken control of Sveden, creating a zombie-like pod person to carry out its malign vegetative bidding.  Fortunately, no one has even suggested that possibility.               

Ron Sveden is said to be wheezing with joy at learning he doesn’t have cancer.  Doctors expect him to make a full recovery within a few months, barring the not-unlikely event that the old man expires from another of his myriad ailments.               

NEXT WEEK: So Is It True That A Certain Spider Lays Its Eggs In Envelope Glue, And Then If Someone Licks The Envelope, A Few Days Later A Cascade Of Baby Spiders Will Erupt From Within Their Tongue? (SPOILER ALERT: It Totally Is.)

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Helpful Hints For Everyday Life: The Bluff

12 Thursday Aug 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture, Mythology, People, Relationships, Social Networking

≈ 2 Comments

Tags

Auric Goldfinger, bluff, bluffing, helpful hints, J. B. Fletcher, James Bond, Murder She Wrote, smirking A-Hole, why did no one ever kill that meddling busybody?, work smarter not harder

By Smaktakula    

The Consummate Pro: This Man Knows How To Bluff.

On those occasions when you manage to bluff someone into telling you something by acting like you know more than you really do, and then he asks you, When did you find out?–resist the temptation to be the smirking A-Hole who says, Just now–when you told me!  After that bush league play, he won’t tell you shit.    

The best responses run along these lines: We’ve known almost since the beginning.  Your opponent will spend the next few moments trying to figure out where he got careless and screwed up.  Meanwhile, you can follow with, “But there’s just one or two things I don’t understand.”  You’d be surprised at what he’ll tell you.    

"But You See, Mr. Johnson, I Didn't Know Until Just Now. I Followed You To This Remote Cabin Without Telling Anyone To Trick You Into Confessing. Now Please, Let Me Borrow Your Telephone. The Police Will Be Here In 20 Minutes."

Bluff Facebook

Mongolian Nazis? We Get It. Wait . . . No, We Don’t.

11 Wednesday Aug 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Asia, Culture, General Foolishness, History, Mythology, Race, Relationships, Social Networking, World Affairs

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

Adolf Hitler, anachronistic historical team-ups, bigotry, China, fascism, fucking idiots, Fuhrer, Genghis Khan, Holocaust, jackassery, Mongolia, Mongolian Nazis, Nazis, pure evil, racial pride, racial seperatism, racism, Super-Villain Team Up, totalitarianism, what the hell does 'Sieg Hire' mean anyway?, WTF?

By Smaktakula

For fans of historical reenaction and other loveless shut-ins who spend their days pondering what would happen if Adolf Hitler and Genghis Khan united in an anachronistic super-villain team up, this is as close as you’re likely to get.            

Give Them Points For Effort At Least: “Führer” Is Hard Enough To Pronounce With An American Accent.

The other villagers are said to be searching desperately for a way to gently shepherd these confused young men into accepting some uncomfortable, yet indelible, truths.       

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