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Category Archives: Plantlife

Unsettling Urban Legend Springs To Hideous Life

16 Monday Aug 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Critters, Culture, Health, Mythology, National Events, People, Plantlife

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Tags

cancer, decrepit old men, emphysema, grody, invasive organisms, legumes, lungs, medical horrors, parasites, pea sprout in lung, peas, Ron Sveden, sinister legume, spider eggs in envelope glue, urban legend, urban legends, wacky ideas, zombie-like pod person

By Smaktakula  

Of All The Legumes, The Pea Is Far And Away The Biggest Asshole.

When longtime emphysema-sufferer Ron Sveden complained of chest pains, doctors immediately feared the worst.  X-ray data seemed to support these concerns, revealing a small dark spot on one of Sveden’s lungs.  The doctors gave the 75 year-old the bad news: It was most likely cancer.             

Sveden’s doctors had reached the limits of their diagnostic powers; without a biopsy, a firm answer was impossible.  The medical team began by cutting into Sveden’s sternum and cracking his ribs so that they could access the corrupted snotbags which had been lungs when Sveden was a boy.             

The surgeon soon located an object corresponding to the black spot on the X-ray.  It definitely wasn’t cancer.  But what was it?                           

"Well, I'll Be Doggoned! It Was Just An Invasive Plant Growing Deep Within The Tissues Of Your Body. How Disturbingly Hilarious! I'm Literally Vomiting With Laughter!"

The doctors had a pretty good chuckle when they removed the strange, fluid-clotted object and cleared away the viscous afterbirth to reveal the culprit: a half-inch pea sprout.               

It turns out that Ron inhaled a pea while eating without being aware of it, a rare oversight from a man who obviously had heretofore taken such meticulous care of his health.  Its entry undetected, the sinister legume managed somehow to find a purchase among the dark and rotten scraps of Ron’s remaining lung tissue, where it began to grow.               

There’s no way to know how large the parasitic pea would have grown if unchecked.  Nor is it known whether the plant would have eventually taken control of Sveden, creating a zombie-like pod person to carry out its malign vegetative bidding.  Fortunately, no one has even suggested that possibility.               

Ron Sveden is said to be wheezing with joy at learning he doesn’t have cancer.  Doctors expect him to make a full recovery within a few months, barring the not-unlikely event that the old man expires from another of his myriad ailments.               

NEXT WEEK: So Is It True That A Certain Spider Lays Its Eggs In Envelope Glue, And Then If Someone Licks The Envelope, A Few Days Later A Cascade Of Baby Spiders Will Erupt From Within Their Tongue? (SPOILER ALERT: It Totally Is.)

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From CNN: Marijuana Plantations Feeding Europe’s Habit

28 Friday May 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture, Drug Culture, Drugs, Plantlife, South America, World Affairs

≈ 3 Comments

Tags

CNN, dope, grass, hemp, keep marijuana illegal, marijuana, marijuana legalization, marijuana plantations, Mary Jane, peasant farmers, pot, reefer, South America, Stoner the Horse, sweet sweet cheeba, weed

Europe’s insatiable jones for the sweet, sweet cheeba has increased the demand for high-quality marijuana.  To meet this demand, peasant farmers in South America are growing cannabis in greater numbers.  These farmers claim that growing illegal marijuana is the only way they can feed their families. 

KEEP MARIJUANA ILLEGAL! 

I stop the farmer and briefly pet the horse. 

“He’s called Stoner,” the farmer tells me in Spanish, before breaking into a broad grin and setting off again. 

Fuck The Hay, Man--How 'Bout Some Corn Nuts?

 Stoner The Horse Says–This Is The Shit They Don’t Want You To Know, Man: Marijuana plantations feeding Europe’s habit – CNN.com.

Smaktakula

Promethean Notions For Wicked Boys And Girls: Dandelions

07 Wednesday Apr 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture, General Foolishness, Humor, Literature, Plantlife, Poetry

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Tags

dandelions, delinquency, mean old neighbor lady, promethean notions, revenge, truancy, wicked boys, wicked girls

By Smaktakula

DANDELIONS

 

When the vinegary old lady

who lives next door

shakes her cane at you and hollers

that nasty children mustn’t run through her yard

because of  her beautiful flowers

which you’ll ruin with your horsey feet,

run away far and fast

leaving only the ghost of your laughter as an echo.

Much later,

when the bent and lonely old lady next door

has shuffled into her home to watch her stories on the television

and not to be bothered with her garden

until the sun has warmed the earth again,

gather dandelions from a secret space

and place them in a bucket

 until it churns and brims with dandelion cumulus,

and then secretly, quietly

so that the stories she watches are louder than your silent feet,

creep back to the old woman’s yard

 and into her beautiful garden.

Then hurl the bucket,

let fly the froth and foam

so that wisps hang in the late April air

like a February snowfall,

and then plummet in their thousands

 upon the dark, rich accepting soil

of the mean old neighbor lady’s garden

for good luck.

Marijuana Legalization Will Transform Humboldt Into Appalachia

30 Tuesday Mar 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Constitutional Issues, Crime, Culture, Drug Culture, Drugs, National Events, Plantlife, Politics, Regional Politics

≈ 3 Comments

Tags

ballot measure, California, California marijuana initiative, cannabis, cannabis cowboys, dope, drug legalization, ganja, grass, hemp, Humboldt County, illicit shadow industry, legalize it, marijuana, marijuana legalization, outlaw growers, pot, reefer, sweet sweet cheeba, weed, Zig-Zags, Ziploc

By Smaktakula

In the debate over California’s upcoming ballot measure to legalize marijuana, Promethean Times has heretofore resisted editorializing so that the electorate might arrive at its own decision in November.  However, the discourse has done little to educate voters, and instead has achieved the converse: leaving them confused and angry about what may very well be the defining issue of our times.  This imperative makes clear the mandate that Promethean Times, as a long-trusted source of clear and accurate information, make known its stand on this very important issue.                            

Promethean Times does NOT support the effort to legalize marijuana in California.  America’s stoners have been duped: decriminalizing cannabis is nothing more than a smokescreen for a concerted attack on vital American industries.  Unfortunately, hemp-heads don’t have much time to think about these things, electing to preserve their attenuated attention spans for an Aqua Teen Hunger Force mini-marathon.                            

By Any Means Necessary: These Hippies Don't Care Who Gets Hurt As Long As Reefer Is Legal

Voters are already well-acquainted with legalization’s most obvious dangers: increased crime and urban blight in the form of  such scenarios as pot smokers robbing local businesses at gunpoint to support their habit, women selling themselves for as little as a dime bag, and formerly pristine streets of mainstream America festooned with Ziplocs and Zig-Zags.  Moreover, anti-weed activists speak ominously of a critical snacks and munchies shortfall–the stoner’s equivalent of a “Perfect Storm.”  If America found itself in the throes of a CSMS during a national event such as the Super Bowl or Final Idol, the effect upon the nation would be both immediate and calamitous.                      

As bad as those things are, they fail to take into account a hitherto undiscussed result of marijuana legalization: the effect legalization will have on outlaw marijuana growers.   These cannabis cowboys fear that legalization will not only prove the death knell for a once-thriving industry, but also for a time-honored and cherished way of life.                         

Ghosts Of Prohibition: "T'warn't Revenuers Whut Den Dis Tuh Meh, But Ta Ruhpeel Uh Ta Eighteenth Menment. That'n Inbreeden."

The growers are right to be worried.  If pot is legalized, the high quality marijuana which currently is grown in remote places like Humboldt County, California, will be available in areas of the state which up to now have been forced to settle for shwag or Mexican dirtweed.  Within months of legalization places like Humboldt County will more closely resemble Harlan County, Kentucky than their former selves.                     

But the grim toll of legalization does not end with the outlaw growers and their families.  Also affected are the businesses, often local, which provide the materials for the illegal grow operation: fertilizer & feed stores, horticulture supply stores, as well as companies manufacturing steel-jaw traps for catching poachers, lawmen and unlucky hikers.                            

What effect will legalization have on local peace officers?  Much like tips are to servers, local law enforcement officers feed their families with the bribe money they receive from growers.  Similarly, the need to use thousands upon thousands of  man hours in the effort to interdict a tiny portion of the drug trade helps DEA agents pay their mortgages.  How will California voters explain to the families of these law enforcement officers that because they can’t shake their jones for the sweet, sweet cheeba, there won’t be any Christmas this year–or ever again?                            

Legalization will be harmful enough within the borders of California, but will metastasize beyond the borders even of the nation.  With the loss of the illegal marijuana trade, the Mexican drug cartels will be forced to rely solely on the enormous profits they derive from the sale of methamphetamine, cocaine and heroin, as well as the lucrative human-smuggling market.  It’s easy to see the human face of marijuana legalization when one considers that the average Mexican narco-enforcer has 7 children to feed.                            

The Hidden Victims Of Legalization: Bribe Money Keeps His Daughter In Catholic School

In November, California voters will be presented with an historic opportunity–the chance stand arm-in-arm with the hard-working men and women toiling in America’s illicit shadow industries, to advocate on behalf of  La Familia hitmen and the Federales they bribe,  and to support the legal industries which help support illegal grow operations–by voting NO on marijuana legalization.   Americans are best served by restricting their indulgences to safe and legal products such as alcohol or tobacco.  

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The Legalization Question

25 Thursday Mar 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Constitutional Issues, Culture, Drug Culture, Drugs, Health, National Events, National Politics, Plantlife, Politics

≈ 3 Comments

Tags

ballot box, California, California marijuana initiative, cannabis, doobage, dope, drug legalization, ganja, grass, hemp, legalize it, marijuana, marijuana legalization, pot, reefer, sweet sweet cheeba, the initiative, Tommy Chong, weed

California voters will have the opportunity in November to legalize marijuana through the ballot box.  Cannabis legalization is a complicated and contentious issue, requiring every voter to search his or her own soul.  There are no easy answers.   

Promethean Times will not attempt to influence popular opinion by revealing our stand on this hot-button issue.  We recommend instead that the public seek an unbiased opinion about the pros and cons of marijuana legalization from experts such as this distinguished gentleman:   

Tommy Chong: Leaning Toward A Yes Vote

 
Smaktakula

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