Abraham Lincoln, Adolf Hitler, Albert Einstein, Barack Obama, Big Bird, Bill Clinton, Bill O'Reilly, Bush 41, Bush 43, Colin Farrell, crabs, David Letterman, Eddie Murphy, Elmo, FDR, Franklin Delano Roosevelt, Fred, George Herbert Walker Bush, George W. Bush, herpes, heterosexuality, homosexuality, J. Robert Oppenheimer, jackassery, James Bond, John F. Kennedy, John Lennon, Johnny Depp, Karl Marx, Keith Richards, man-skanks, man-whores, Mick Jagger, misconceptions regarding skanks, Mohandas Gandhi, Morrissey, Napoleon Bonaparte, Pat Sajak, Paul McCartney, People Magazine, Richard M. Nixon, Russell Crowe, Sherlock Holmes, skankery, skanks, Skanks in the Crosshairs, skonk, skonkery, skonks, Slick Willy, STDs, Stephen Morrissey, tabloids, Thomas Jefferson, W, whoredom, William Henry Harrison, William Jefferson Clinton, William McKinley, Woodrow Wilson, Woody Allen, you got a real purty mouth
In preparation for our upcoming multi-part investigative series on modern whoredom, Skanks In The Crosshairs, the Promethean Times Research Staff spent hundreds of man-hours reading tabloids, clipping articles from old issues of People Magazine we’d liberated from dentists’ offices, and lots of solitary time in the screening room. The benefits of this research exceeded our initially modest expectations. Immersion into the tawdry world of skandom produced a wealth of data, which when put in proper context revealed a number of generally held misconceptions regarding skanks as a whole.
Perhaps no subject in all of skandom is more misunderstood and veiled in half-truths than that of male skanks, or skonks. Ironically, almost two-thirds of the respondents in a Promethean Times survey characterized themselves as “somewhat knowledgeable” to “very knowledgeable” about skonks. A chasm exists between what is commonly known about skonks and what is believed to be known. Perhaps it is in that gulf that the skonk will reveal himself.
Firstly, the popular notion that skanks outnumber skonks is a complete falsehood. In fact, skonks outnumber skanks at a 2:1 ratio, even after accounting for the numerical differences between the male and female population. It is perhaps because of this very ubiquity that the media tends to focus its attention on skanks rather than skonks.
This information also debunks the myth that skonks make up only a small percentage of all males. The consensus among experts is that well over half of all men are skonks, with a majority positing of 70-85% skonk saturation. One reason this figure is so inexact is that unlike skanks who tend advertise their skankiness, a sizeable portion of skonks endeavor to keep their skonkitude hidden.
Nor are gay men immune to skonkitude. In fact, it is believed that the percentage of skonks among gay men is far higher than among the population as a whole. One expert, who places the figure somewhere around 97%, says, “It’s pretty hard to find a gay man who isn’t a skonk.”
Some famous skonks and non-skonks:
Napoleon was a skonk; Hitler was not.
Secret Skonk: Gandhi
Oppenheimer wasn’t a skonk, but Einstein was.
Secret Skonk: Karl Marx
Film & Television
Colin Farrell, David Letterman, Russell Crowe, Eddie Murphy, Bill O’Reilly, Woody Allen and myriad more are skonks. Pat Sajak and one or two others too obscure to name are not.
Secret Skonk: None
Mick Jagger is a skonk; John Lennon was not.
Keith Richards is a skonk; Paul McCartney pretends to be a skonk.
Secret Skonk: Morrissey
Presidents of the United States of America
Presidents Jefferson, FDR, Kennedy, Clinton and several others were First Skonks. Presidents Lincoln, McKinley, Wilson, Nixon, Bush (41) were not.
Barack Obama is not a skonk; George Bush (43) was a skonk in his youth, but has since reformed.
Secret Skonk: William Henry Harrison
James Bond is a skonk; Sherlock Holmes is not.
Elmo is a skonk; Big Bird is not.
Secret Skonk: Fred From Scooby Doo
Friends of Promethean Times
Charlie Sheen and Michael Murphy are skonks; Grigori Perelman and Rolando “Cashew Dick” Negrin are not.
The Haimster was a skonk; diminutive and dearly missed virgin Gary Coleman was not.
Secret Skonk: Kim Jong-il