5'10" isn't tall, Abigail Folger, AK-47, Big & Tall, bigotry, Charles Manson, Emmanuel Lewis, hate anthem, hate speech, Homo Runticus, Homo Sapiens, homunculi, ironic nicknames, jockeys, Kentucky Derby, lawn jockeys, little people, Michael Jackson, Mini-Me, Napoleon Bonaparte, normals, Olympics, racism, Randy Newman, runts, short people, short people are plain evil!, shorty, shrimp, sizeism, Smaktakula's decades-old vendetta against the French, Smaktakula's distrust of short people, Spud Webb, Tom Cruise, trolls, tunnel rats, unfortunates, VC, Verne Troyer, vertically challenged, Viet Cong, Vietnam Conflict, wrath of God
Let’s be perfectly clear: we have nothing against short people. Although we have in the past referred (and will no doubt continue to do so) to the vertically-challenged as runts, trolls, homunculi or other appellations highlighting their stunted stature, this should in no way be construed as a judgement against the puny. Short people can sometimes be a boon to society.
Imagine a world without jockeys, where the famed Kentucky Derby was no more than a live-action carousel. What would chain-smoking old Southern dames do with their time? Without male gymnasts, the Summer Olympics would run a few hours shorter. If there had been no tunnel rats during the Vietnam Conflict, who would be given the suicidal task of crawling down booby-trapped VC tunnels to blow up a few AK-47s and some rice?
Despite this, these human elves are still reviled and mistrusted for their handicap. Sometimes this societal prejudice against people of retarded stature is overt, such as Randy Newman’s hate anthem, Short People. But bigotry is often more subtle, evidenced in the plethora of Big & Tall stores and telling absence of Little & Short stores.
It’s tough to be a runt these days. Not only have these wretched little creatures been cruelly afflicted by an unfeeling and capricious God, but they also must endure well-meaning patronization from normals.
Lift your heads up, little people*–we’d like to leave you with a short thought. The world would be a much poorer place without you. You give us laughter. You give us Tom Cruise movies. Without you, guys who are 5’10” wouldn’t be able to think of themselves as tall.