Tags
Africa, African famine, Ashton Kutcher, Barack Obama, Bill Clinton, Budweiser, butterface, death by drowning, debt crisis, Democrats, Europe, great white shark, headlines, hos, Indiana, living in a van down by the river, Matt Foley, Mississippi, online dating, perverts, pizza, Poltergeist, prostitution, Republicans, reset button, skunky beer, Somalia, South Korea, Tanzania, tapeworms, TV for idiots, Two and a Half Men, United States of America, vegans, Vermont, White House, you're welcome
By Smaktakula
Well, Bless Their Hearts.
In which we opine on the latest headlines, without bothering to first read the stories.
***
Seoul to Introduce Female-Only Subway Cars
- Korean perverts to introduce hidden cameras to female-only subway cars.
Early Adversity, Adult Misery: How Small Events Trigger Depression
- It’s true–every whiny bitch was once a whiny little bitch.
Suspect arrested while trying to bail out ally
- There is honor among thieves, just no common sense.
Bill Clinton, on his 65th birthday, has gone vegan
- That’s a misprint. Rather than ‘gone vegan’ it should read ‘done Meagan.’
Like You’d Do Any Differently In His Position.
Exposed coffins, destroyed homes in Vt. town
- Sweet! A Poltergeist remake.
Deportation policy angers bloggers
- Yeah, but when you have no real friends and a surfeit of free time, you tend to get irritated pretty easily.
Tradition forces girls into prostitution
- “My momma was a ho, just like her momma before her.”
Why Do Republicans Love Pizza?
- The same reason everybody else loves pizza.
Beachgoers in Venice Rescue Stranded Great White Shark
- The freed predator wasted no time before devouring a surfer.
- This is hardly the first time Europe has rung up a bill the US was obliged to pay.
Avez-Vous Des Remerciements? Non? Ah, C’est La Vie.
Indiana State Fair stage collapse claims sixth victim
- Is that thing still on the loose?
Somalis Rip Aid Donors for ‘Failing’ Famine Victims
- If it bothers you so much, eat your own damn food. . . . Oh, right. Sit tight, folks.
Online dating? Why no one wants you
- Don’t feel bad; attraction is a matter of personal preference, and is influenced by myriad subjective factors. Remember, it’s not you who’s repellant, but rather your personality and physical appearance.
It’s Like Putting Fancy Rims On A ’78 Pacer.
President Obama goes for a reset on jobs
- Because neither ‘Do Over’ nor ‘We Take It Back‘ sounded quite right.
Ashton Kutcher’s second ‘Two and a Half Men’ episode: Do we still care?
- That you ever did says a lot about you.
White House Future Is Now, Many Republicans Conclude
- No, by definition, now is the present and the future is yet to come. And they say the Democrats can’t get their shit together.
- The van’s funk is said to be legendary.
The Most Highly-Prized Locale For The Van-Dweller Is, Of Course, Down By The River.
Tanzania: Horror As 180 People Perish in Ferry Accident
- Dear God! At times like this, when the soul reels in shock and disbelief, we must remember that . . . HOLD ON! Forget about that–Our affiliate in Tuscaloosa is reporting that a cute white girl has gone missing!
Why I Don’t Drink Budweiser…and Why I’m Not Alone
- Because fermented goat semen just doesn’t taste that hot.
How Did the Robot End Up With My Job?
- For starters, the LaborTron3K doesn’t come to work hung over, steal paperclips or grope the copy boy. Plus, you’re ugly.
How this strange African fruit is making Americans skinny.
- The secret is tapeworms.
Proper Sanitation And Hygiene Save Lives.
See Also:
- Promethean Times Responds To The Headlines
- Headlines II
- Headlines III
- Headlines IV
- Headlines V
- Headlines VI
- Headlines VII
- Headlines VIII
