bitches, Chad, groupies, grovelling, ignorance, Mohandas Gandhi, outright lies, schadenfreude, Smaktakula's hypocrisy can sometimes be astounding, stalkers, that trick never works, Why am I so stupid?
Smaktakula’s legion of slavishly devoted fans, groupies and stalkers will be delighted to know that Promethean Times’ head writer has reconsidered his decision to retire from journalism to pursue a life of boundless hedonism and degenerate self-gratification. Regarding the change of heart, Smaktakula says, “I felt I was needed here.”
As proof of his intentions, Smaktakula announced that he has bequeathed his Chadian bonanza to several worthwhile charities: “Let’s see . . . the retarded kids, I think . . .and uh, I’m pretty sure Jerry’s Kids–there’s something wrong with them, right?–and–and kids with no heads. Look, you said you’d stick to the questions we agreed upon.” Moreover, Smaktakula has also donated the remaining funds in his checking account, including the $4,500 his Aunt Lois gave him after he finally completed a treatment program.
Knowing that his money is helping retards and kids with no heads has been a profound emotional experience for Smaktakula. “When I think about it,” he says, “I break down and cry like a little baby.” This author was treated to such a display after arriving ten minutes early for our interview; Smaktakula lay on the cold, stone floor of his apartment in his mother’s garage, fetal and twitching. After he was covered with a blanket, the pitiable wretch became calmer, at which point it was a matter of waiting out his quiet, snuffling sobs.
Smaktakula is delighted to be back in the saddle, but hopes that no one was offended by the quotations he claims were misattributed to him by Promethean Times. “I never called anyone ‘bitches,'” he argues. “I said ‘witches,’ as in evil practitioners of the occult and concubines of Satan himself.” He adds, “Which I am totally, completely and 100% against.”
Some Guy said:
Tell Smaktakula not to worry. I’ve just won the Euromillions Lottery—which is extra amazing because I didn’t even know I’d entered—and am expecting a huge payoff any day now. What’s mine is his.
Bless you, Sir! And if you have a Costco membership, would you be so kind as to procure for us a gross of ramen? Have a heart and spring for the good stuff, huh?
Uncle Walt said:
Can in get in on this?
I may not be a genius blogger the the Smak man himself, but I do some blogging so can I get some of that scratch as well?
And Smak, if Some Guy doesn’t come through with his EuroMillions, you gonna be selling any more organs? I could probably use an extra Kidney and probably a Liver as well after all the partying I did last weekend.
That was you wasn’t it?
That iPhone is wicked cool, or so I’ve heard.
Thanks for the comment, Walt! And why not try the iPhone out for yourself? The only problem is that (and here we apologize in advance for what follows) it costs an arm and a leg.