By Smaktakula
Our Advice Is A Lot Like Hers, Except Useful.
Some advice, friends. Take it and profit.
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It sure DOES make you look fat. If you have to ask, don’t wear it.
Maybe Some Vertical Stripes Would Hide That.
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Although the temptation will always be there, when a person tells you they’ve never done/seen/experienced something, for example, the film Gone with the Wind, there’s no need to rephrase this statement as an interrogative: “Really? You haven’t seen Gone with the Wind?” No, we haven’t. In fact, we told you as much less than five seconds ago.
Why Is So Surprising That We Haven’t Seen It? We’re Adults.
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Anyone who says, after you ask them a question, “Well, let’s put it this way…” is an asshole. No, let’s not put it any way but the fucking answer.
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If you meet somebody with an apostrophe in his first name, there’s a good chance he’ll assault you and take your stuff. If he has an apostrophe in his last name, relax–he’s an Islander. Shaka, Bra!
Meet D’Angelo T’uupalopapaupau. He’s Going To Fucking Kill You.
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There are only four instances when it is acceptable for a grown man to shed tears:
- The death of an immediate family member (this includes beloved dogs).
- A championship for your sports team, after a minimum of a ten-year drought (real sports only–baseball, football, hockey, basketball).
- To get out of trouble with a woman (use sparingly–no one wants to date a pussy).
- For sex. Remember–pity sex is still sex.
Tears: Use ‘Em Wisely.
Promethean Times 
Your wisdom humbles me. And surprises me…(kidding, of course)
And I so agree that your #3 reason for men’s tears should be used sparingly for the very reason you mentioned. It kind of goes with my mantra of not dating/marrying a man who can fit into your jeans.
Obviously, we admire your style.
Infrequency is what can make men’s tears so deadly.
I used to get “You’ve not read Harry Potter?” quite a lot at a place I once worked at. My reply was no it’s a kids book. To which the reply would be something along the lines of “but there is a lot in it for adults”, to which I would then reply “And there’s even more in books written for adults”. Now when my son gets older and if he makes me read them to him, I don’t mind so long as he enjoys it. Otherwise…
“Well lets put it this way” puts me in mind of someone who kept saying “at the end of the day” after every sentence as though that qualified it as important. It didn’t, either say what you have to say or don’t say it at all. There is no need to stress the supposed importance unless it refers to an emergency situation. Same point I guess.
Thanks, Elliot!
I’m the same way re: Harry Potter. I have nothing against it, but neither am I excited by it, despite a number of otherwise intelligent, mature and well-read people telling me “You’d really like it!” But yeah, if it’s still around when my boys come of age, and if they haven’t found an interest more manly, then yeah, I might read the books.
I haven’t seen the movies for that very reason. I generally prefer to read the book first. Once I see a movie, I won’t read the book. I’m so OCD/anal about this, that this rule extends to movies based on comic books.
hahaha
Thanks, White Chick!
“Well let’s put it this way” is about on the same lines as “not for nothing” for me. I hate when people say that. A friend of mine once said, “Not for nothing but at the end of the day it is what it is.”
I told her I could never speak to her ever again after that.
The phrase “it is what it is” is pure evil. The only way that friend’s statement could have been worse was if she’d added “The thing is is” somewhere in there.
I’ve never heard a real person say that. Heretofore I had always seen it as a sort of overwrought, Marvel-comics kinda statement, but now I’ll be on the lookout for it.
Makes me think Smak has been learning some valuable life lessons recently…
Thanks, Guap! Learning? You’d think. But the day I wrote this post–the very day!–I was talking to my wife about the movie Carlito’s Way. When she mentioned that she hadn’t seen the movie, I didn’t say, “Really, you haven’t seen it?” I went one better. I said, “Oh, come on, you’ve seen that movie.”
I felt like an ass the moment the words came out of my mouth. You’ll most likely not be surprised to learn that happens with uncomfortable frequency. Still, I try to remain comfy with my hypocrisy.
I was once assaulted by someone named Ch’arlie Sh’een. If only I had read this post first…
Thank God you didn’t meet A’shton K’utcher. True, he isn’t as mean and doesn’t hit as hard, but when the whole, ugly affair is over, you wonder why anyone bothered?