• Get To Know Promethean Times!
  • Magnificent Bastards
  • Douchebags Emeritus

Promethean Times

~ A Collection of Oddities Calculated to Amuse, Enlighten and Horrify.

Promethean Times

Daily Archives: May 1, 2012

Tardsie’s True-Ass Tales: Would You Like (Penis) Fries With That?

01 Tuesday May 2012

Posted by Smaktakula in History

≈ 25 Comments

Tags

fun with illiteracy, Tardsie's True-Ass Tales, vulgarity is the secret ingredient, Why am I so stupid?, Zed

By Tardsie

But Before We Stamp It Out Entirely, Maybe We Can Have Some Fun With It First.

As a lad, I used to hang out with a kid we’ll call Zed. Zed was a couple of years older than I was, but we’d met when we were both in the 8th grade. Zed was not a bright boy. In fact, he was a stone-cold moron, and the 8th and part of the 9th grades were the only times we were in school together, because Zed dropped out as soon as the law would allow.

Despite being a halfwit, Zed actually had some things going for him. For one, he was reasonably good-looking and had a–if not refined, then at least well-developed–sense of style. For whatever reason–back then, anyway–girls flocked to him, and Zed could boast a number of conquests before the rest of us had even reached second base.

And while Zed wasn’t exactly a mean guy, by being the youngest of our group and having the biggest mouth, it ended up that he’d pick on me from time to time. He was bigger and stronger than I was then, and there wasn’t much I could do but take it. For a while.

As a functionally retarded ninth-grade dropout, Zed’s career prospects were by no means overwhelming, and so when his mom finally made him apply at McDonald’s, it seemed Zed had found the job he was born to do. But first came the application. Sadly, as a consequence of his infrequent and attenuated schooling, Zed was virtually illiterate. Simple words like “cat,” “dog,” and his own name were within Zed’s oeuvre, but more complicated or polysyllabic words might as well have been Sanskrit to the boy. When Zed needed help filling out the application, apparently forgetting his regular abuse–or hoping I would, he turned to me for help.

Obviously, We're Not Too Worried About The Possibility That Zed Might Someday Read This Post.

“How do you spell employee?” Zed asked.

At first I was cautious. “E-M-P-L-O-Y-E-E,” I told him. I spelled a few words for him like this: “E-X-P-E-R-I-E-N-C-E,” “P-R-O-M-P-T,” “H-O-N-E-S-T.”

After a while, though, when I saw that Zed was writing exactly what I told him, the temptation for mischief became too great.

“How do you spell important?” Zed asked.

“Important?” I said, “That’s easy: “I-M-P-O-R-T-A-P-E-N-I-S-N-T.”

Fact: Employers Respect A Powerful Vocabulary.

Zed dutifully wrote it down. Several more followed. “F-R-I-E-N-C-O-C-K-D-L-Y,” “R-E-S-F-U-C-K-E-R-P-O-N-S-I-B-L-E,” “R-E-F-E-A-S-S-H-O-L-E-R-E-N-C-E-S,” and a whole lot more.

Fortunately, just after Zed turned the application in, I called the manager of McDonald’s and told him what I’d done. Zed got the job and we all had a great big laugh.

Maybe You're Not Using Them Right.

The above story is 100% true, except for the last paragraph. I never told anybody anything, and of course, Zed didn’t get that job.

Don't Fuck With TarPENISdsie!

LIKE Promethean Times on Facebook!

LIKE Promethean Times on Facebook!

Enter your email address to follow this blog and receive notifications of new posts by email.

The Best Of Times

  • Belgians: The World's Most Evil People
  • People Actually Believe That? Ramtha And The Lizard-Beasts Of Mt. Rainier
  • The Pros And Cons Of Your Girlfriend's Gay Friend
  • Snowboarder's Empire Could Go Up In Smoke
  • Incest: On The Other Hand...
  • This Day In Alternate History: Yoko Ono Slain
  • The Silent Reckoning
  • Alexandra Wallace: Ching-Chong Champion Of Tolerance

Dumb Stuff We Say On Twitter:

  • Teachable Moments prometheantimes.com/2015/10/15/tea… http://t.co/QFzhCOBHaO 7 years ago
  • The Garden-Destroying Cross-Lot Food Fight prometheantimes.com/2015/10/01/the… http://t.co/lY6IVUWzYV 7 years ago
  • My Beef With That One Guy From ‘Fast Times At Ridgemont High’ prometheantimes.com/2015/09/23/my-… http://t.co/izgO4yJppn 7 years ago
  • Shelly The Parasitic Yoko of Pervert Alley prometheantimes.com/2015/08/17/she… http://t.co/0svsAHygLs 7 years ago
  • Welcome To Pervert Alley prometheantimes.com/2015/07/31/wel… http://t.co/tvFvovXjTX 7 years ago
Follow @prometheantimes

Recent Times

  • Teachable Moments
  • The Garden-Destroying Cross-Lot Food Fight
  • My Beef With That One Guy From ‘Fast Times At Ridgemont High’
  • Shelly The Parasitic Yoko of Pervert Alley
  • Welcome To Pervert Alley
  • A Profoundly Philosophical Question
  • My Friend Joey Park, Part III
  • My Friend Joey Park, Part II
  • My Friend Joey Park, Part I
  • Headlines: In Which No Puppies Were Harmed Or Abducted
  • Profiles in Loutishness
  • Bet Your Bottom Dollar That Tomorrow
  • Mea Culpa: 55 Cent
  • Goat Mayo
  • Headlines: More News We Don’t Understand
  • The Aging Gunslinger
  • Hungarian Fone Kard
  • Fresh Socks For Homeless Walter
  • I’m An Ass, And I’m Sorry
  • Headlines: I Was A Caveman’s Love-Puppet
  • Untruth & Consequences: Debriefing
  • To All The Girls I’ve Loved Before
  • My Missing Medal
  • Promethean Times Questions Existence Of Sri Lanka
  • Headlines: Shaking And Stirred

WORD.

Adolf Hitler Afghanistan Africa anti-semitism bad parents Barack Obama Baseball bigotry Bill Clinton California Canada cannabis Celebrity Death Watch childish sexual innuendo China cocaine comical despots dope douchebaggery drugs famous for nothing fat people foolish choices fun with stereotypes gay people Germany gold digger grass headlines helpful hints hemp homosexuality hypocrisy impoverished third-world hellhole Iran Islam jackassery Japan Kim Jong-il LiLo Lindsay Lohan Los Angeles Dodgers marijuana Mexico Muammar al-Gaddafi mullets muslims North Korea outright lies places that suck pot racism reefer religious intolerance skankery skanks Smaktakula's decades-old vendetta against the French Smaktakula's distrust of short people Smaktakula's hypocrisy can sometimes be astounding stupid people sweet sweet cheeba Tardsie's True-Ass Tales that trick never works the French this day in history treachery true meanings of holidays United Kingdom United States of America untalented stars weed Where Are They Now? Why am I so fat? Why am I so stupid? you got a real purty mouth

Promethean History

May 2012
M T W T F S S
 123456
78910111213
14151617181920
21222324252627
28293031  
« Apr   Jun »

Search The Prometheosphere

Recent Comments

Vivek Golikeri on Alexandra Wallace: Ching-Chong…
Tim on People Actually Believe That?…
Anonymous on Commercials We Do Not Like: Me…
Dudley on Diff’rent Strokes Curse…
Anonymous on Commercials We Do Not Like: Me…
tomsimard on Sadly, Anne Heche Still L…
Smaktakula on Putting The Italian Army To Go…
David on Putting The Italian Army To Go…
Rackuzius on Brilliant, Dirty Weirdo Said T…
Smaktakula on Teachable Moments
Yoshihiko Motaro on Teachable Moments
Anonymous on Words Never To Use: N****…
Alex C on Putting The Italian Army To Go…
Usman Makhdoom on Alexandra Wallace: Ching-Chong…
Lary James on Untruth & Consequences: Do…

Tardsie D. Bagg

Smaktakula

Networked Blogs

NetworkedBlogs
Blog:
Promethean Times
Topics:
Satire, Irreverence, Snarkery
 
Follow my blog

Blog at WordPress.com.

  • Follow Following
    • Promethean Times
    • Join 459 other followers
    • Already have a WordPress.com account? Log in now.
    • Promethean Times
    • Customize
    • Follow Following
    • Sign up
    • Log in
    • Report this content
    • View site in Reader
    • Manage subscriptions
    • Collapse this bar