Daily Archives: May 11, 2012

Wonder Twins: Deactivated

11 Friday May 2012

Posted by in Culture, Entertainment

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By Smaktakula

“Form Of: Unnatural Urges!” “Shape Of: Cultural Taboos!”

Although younger readers may not remember the Super Friends TV show, to millions of children growing up in the 1970s and 1980s, this collection of sissy do-gooders was as beloved as any other family member.  With its membership boasting such heroic A-Listers as Superman, Batman and Wonder Woman, as well as useless queer0s like Aquaman and Robin, the Boy Wonder, the Super-Friends enjoyed the advantage of being for a time the only super-hero show on TV.

They Let Aquaman Join–How Super Can They Be?

But the program’s executives wanted more youthful characters to whom the show’s primary audience of children could better relate.  It was pointed out that although Robin is ostensibly a teenager, the results of focus group studies indicated that younger audiences responded positively to adolescent heroes whom Batman was not fucking.

Don’t Judge. It Was A Different Time.

The first results of this experiment were safe, if unexciting.  For a few seasons the adult heroes were joined by non-powered teens Wendy Harris and Marvin White, and the caped canine, Wonder Dog.  Perhaps sensing the potentially catastrophic potential in sending children to battle alongside spandex-clad gods, after just a few seasons the show’s producers went back to the drawing board to create new sidekicks.  By keeping the elements of Wendy and Marvin that worked (a teenaged male-female pair with a comically useless pet) while ditching what didn’t (their humanity), the Super-Friends achieved their greatest character success: the Wonder Twins.

“C’Mon–I’m Just Shaggy With A Green Towel On My Shoulders. You Can’t Tell Me We’re Not The Lamest Super-Heroes Of All Time.”

The Wonder Twins were Zan and Jayna, extraterrestrial visitors from the planet Exxor, who had unusual powers which would work only in conjunction with one another.  However, in a nod to their predecessors, Wendy and Marvin, their powers were exceedingly lame and practically useless.  By touching their rings together, each twin could assume a variety of unique forms.  Zan’s ability was to transform himself into water, steam or ice.  Jayna could change into an animal.  The Wonder Twins, along with their mutant space-monkey Gleek, served to add not only much-needed comedy relief for the otherwise-serious show, but also provided ready-made hostages for the Super-Friends to rescue week after week.

This Was Pretty Much The Extent Of Their Abilities.

But by the time the 1990s rolled around, the Wonder Twins were gone from the television screen, their memories already fading into pop-culture trivia.  The 1988 National Enquirer article which proved the final nail in the coffin of the twins’ career is remembered by some, but it is the revelations contained in that article which continue to bedevil the twins’ reputation to present.  These allegations and the Wonder Twins’ subsequent descent into ignominy reminds us that no matter who or how powerful you are, the viewing public is not yet ready to tolerate either incest or monkey-fucking.

“You May Think It’s Weird & Creepy–But On Exxor, EVERYBODY Does It!”

Tardsie’s True-Ass Tales: Ramon’s Wedding

11 Friday May 2012

Posted by in Culture

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By Tardsie

We Were In Attendance At One Wedding Where The Minister Said “Awful Wedded Wife.” No Foolin’.

It’s a truism that something always goes wrong at a wedding. Usually it’s something small (or several small somethings), but other times the happy event can descend into a scene straight out of the Jerry Springer show. The story that follows falls somewhere in the middle.

Not long after I graduated from college, my friend Ramon asked me to be in his wedding. Ramon was my ‘little brother’ (a fraternity designation; I have no natural siblings), despite being about three years older than I was, and had actually managed to land one of our professors–a sizable victory. The wedding was to be held in some high-toned winery in Napa, California. The wedding would be a dignified affair, with a great many guests from both sides.

Napa: A Classy Place For A Classy Shindig.

However, one of the guests brought marijuana brownies to the party. Significantly, this first-time chef had improperly followed the recipe, and had inadvertently created super-brownies. It’s impossible to say just how many guests helped themselves to brownies, but it was at the reception when the affair quickly began to go south.

It started when a couple of guys from my frat convinced the wedding photographer to take a few pictures of them pressing their naked asses to the windows of the reception hall, displaying their matching tattoos for all the world to see. I was talking with Ramon when all this went down.

It Turns Out There Is Such A Thing As Too Much.

In the middle of my conversation with Ramon, his hot little sister broke in and began speaking to him rapidly in Spanish: ‘Taco burrito chimichanga, guacamole por favor!’ Ramon’s face darkened as he answered, ‘Tostada margarita, tortilla no bueno!’

He turned to me. “Do you know anything about people showing their tattoos?” But before I could answer, a knot of angry voices rose over the din of the party–Maureen, Ramon’s new bride, had just heard about the photography snafu. Maureen had lived on the West Coast for over ten years at this point, and as a professor, had struggled mightily to rid herself of her braying New Jersey accent. Now, more than a little drunk and entirely pissed off, the Jersey Girl buried deep within Maureen began to assert herself with a vengeance, “What the fuck is goin’ on heah?” she bellowed.

Love Sometimes Takes Us To A Strange Place.

By the time Maureen was halfway pacified, we had bigger fish to fry. Our buddy Mike had apparently gobbled one too many brownies and had become convinced that the brownies were laced with LSD. For the rest of the evening, a twitchy, barely consolable Mike insisted that he’d been dosed. Mike would experience brief periods of lucidity when he would appear to be convinced that the brownies contained nothing more than an overabundance of cannabis. Then, slyly, he’d ask, “So how much acid is in these brownies, anyway?”

Finally, when my responsibilities were through, I managed to sneak away to my hotel room and collapse wearily onto my bed. Although I was beat from a long, grueling day, I took some satisfaction at least that my brownies were a big hit.

You’re Welcome, Gang!