Tags
Aberdeen, drunken Irishmen, morons, places that suck, South Dakota, Tardsie's True-Ass Tales, Why am I so stupid?
By Tardsie
They’re Not Always This Easy To Spot.
***
The Hotel Quickie
AmericInn, Aberdeen, SD. Monday, 03.26.12 11:59 AM CST (Cretin Standard Time)
Tardsie calls the Front Desk.
T: Hi. This is room 204, I’m running about ten minutes late. Do you think I could get a late checkout?
FD: Well…what are we talking about here? Like 12:15?
T: I just need about ten minutes…but yeah, 12:15 would be great.
FD: Because checkout is at noon.
T: Yeah, I know. That’s why I’m calling.
Time Is Relative In The Land That Time Forgot.
***
SNOW JOB
A few months ago I applied for a job as a sales-rep/customer liaison with a company with which I had previously had some dealings. It was a part-time thing, working the phones from home. Because of my skill set and my previous dealings with the company, I was pretty sure I’d earn an interview. I liked the company, and was interested in working for them in some capacity, but wasn’t sure if I wanted to sacrifice my evenings.
So when the president of the company called me (it’s a small outfit) for an interview, I didn’t really feel I had anything at stake, and had never been so relaxed in an interview. Although I make it a point in any interview to impress the person to whom I’m speaking (it’s an interview, after all), I try to present a pretty honest–if selective–picture of myself, and never so much as in this interview. I was candid, unguarded and, I thought, fairly plain-spoken.
Toward the end of the interview, the president offered me a rather left-handed compliment. I was initially pleased when he complimented me on my “authoritative voice,” polished manner of speech and extensive vocabulary. But then, as he transitioned to the next point said, “But I guess you can talk normal when you want to.”
I didn’t get the job.
It’s Not An Affectation, Folks–We Just Talk That Way.
***
It’s A Long Drive To Tipperary
A few years ago, I was at Rite Aid picking up a few essentials for a trip. As he rung me up, the clerk asked where I was going.
“Ireland,” I told him.
“That’s cool,” he said, then asked, “So are you gonna fly there or drive?”
Unsure if he was joking, I was too stunned for a moment to answer. When I was finally able to speak, all I could muster were the words “Drive to Ireland?”
“Yeah,” he said sagely, answering his own question, “Ireland is too far to drive.”
If You Think Drunk Drivers Are Dangerous, Just Wait ‘Till You Visit A Land With No Sober Drivers.
Promethean Times 
Oh, those were some doozies. And I liked how you managed to slip in a subtle dig at South Dakota in your image caption. It would be life’s cruel irony if you landed your dream job some day–in the Dakotas.
It appears it was good you didn’t get that job. Sounds like you were smarter than the boss. As I love to say, “Rejection is God’s protection.” Actually, I first heard that from Dr. Phil, but if I credit him, that means I have to admit I watch the show.
It really sucks to work for someone stupider than you are. It sucks even more if they get credit for what you do.
Very true.
Well, Dr. Phil is like the voice of God to me, so that makes sense. In all seriousness, though, despite my affectations, I’m actually quite the optimist, and tend to believe that things happen for a reason.
Yeah, it really was the best thing, because less than two weeks later I was offered something I wanted much, much more.
Thanks, as always, for your wise words!
Okay, now I can’t tell if you’re kidding or not. Do you like Dr. Phil or do you think he’s a blowhard?
Are you kidding, I love him! He went to Rabbinical school with Carl Bernstein, you know.
All right. Now you’re just messing with me. But I guess I deserved that for starting that whole Bernstein rabbi rumor.
But I guess I deserved that for starting that whole Bernstein rabbi rumor.
You ‘guess?’
Tardsie,
I’ve seen pictures of you… Let me put it this way… Is there ever a picture of Philip Seymour Hoffman where it can be said: this guy looks normal? Exactly.
Le Clown
You’re not wrong, my friend–but this was a TELEPHONE interview. He had no way of knowing the PSH connection.
Argh.
Wonderful.
“But I guess you can talk normal when you want to.”
This is classic.
I really wish at this point you would have started speaking in tongues.
I have always had a long-standing loathing of job interviews. They are about as authentic as the news conferences politicians give Every question is not so much a question as an opportunity for our best and brightest to show their ability to make well-prepared answers seem like off-the-cuff remarks.
I would have had a lot more fun interviewing technicians if I’d required them to write, with crayon, their resume on a page from a Hello Kitty coloring book.
In all seriousness, though, techies are generally not the greatest with spelling or written language skills. I didn’t pay much attention to resumes or even on how the guy presented himself face to face. I usually put more faith in calling around the “network” and checking the guy out with others he had worked with based on his references and history.
That’s probably a better way to judge reliability. A person has a lot of leeway with how they present themselves in a resume. My company would check their references before they eve n came in for an interview with me. I never got to hear/see the results of those checks, and often upper management would be jazzed about a candidate before I even met him/her, which was kind of a drag, because if I didn’t hire them it would be almost a personal affront to the big dogs. It was a messed up place to work.
Agreed.
“What would you say is your greatest weakness?”
A) I’m a workaholic!
B) I’m a perfectionist!
C) I embezzle sometimes.
Thanks, Tom!
Wouldn’t it be refreshing for someone to answer C? “I do embezzle but only when it’s in the public interest.”
You had me at “Cretin Standard Time.” Your stories remind me of an exchange from Seinfeld:
Elaine: “I will NEVER understand people.”
Jerry: “They’re the WORST.”
And that “I guess you can speak normally when you want” guy? I would have demonstrated my “normal speaking voice” to him with a hearty “fuck you, asshole.”
Thanks, MW! Actually, I didn’t think anything of it at first, because the interview had gone one for forty-minutes or so at this point (and had been going pretty well). I’m not sure when he decided that I was putting on a dog & pony show for him, but I think it was toward the end. If it explains anything, he was a New Yorker. You know how THOSE people are. Brrrr.
On the one hand, sometimes it’s nice to be surrounded by those who make us feel good about ourselves.
On the other, it’s also nice to have an intelligent conversation sometimes…
That’s an excellent point, Guap. In fact, that’s why I choose to hang out with people who are almost-but-not-quite as smart as I am! They’re all better-looking, unfortunately. Obviously, as ‘El Guapo,’ you probably don’t have that problem…
I’m not sure if I’ve just been insulted once or twice…
Probably proves your point.
Being able to ‘talk normal when you want to’ is a highly under-rated skill.
That’s very true. However, being able to talk “good” tends to be more lucrative.
Ah, the face-to-face interview. I know I’ve lost some job offers because I communicate more effectively either in print or on the phone, but once I got established in the big happy inbred family that is automotive, I had dealers recruiting me. 🙂 I do have a bit of a skill for making a parts department profitable. Some dealers still try, but I’m happy where I am. Being free of tats and outlandish piercings and of reasonably good hygiene, and having an expansive vocabulary (having a business degree as well as technical automotive training is a plus too) I was actually a bit of a commodity. I enjoyed working in dealerships, but my health couldn’t take the long hours and the 24/7 stressload.
The pisser for the departmental manager who has to do his/her own HR is that you have to hire and fire the nimrods you’ll be working with. That can be good, but it can be bad, if the general manager is wigged out by your master tech’s dreadlocks or the wash boy’s prison tats, or if you inherit a crew of megadouches. I inherited one horribly stinky guy that took me forever to fire because he’d already gotten through 90 days under the previous idiot, and another one who was a good tech- when he was sober. He called me one Monday morning to see if I’d bail him out of jail after he’d got put in the can for DUI. Not only did I have to decline to spend $500 to spring him, I had to fire him too. It’s a box of chocolates, alright, and you never know what nuts you’re going to get.
What I looked for in an employee is a lot different that most interviewers/managers would look for. I wasn’t looking for pretty people or desk jockeys, or even the most articulate people. When I was hiring technicians the last thing I would look at was attire. These guys are basically dirty nerds- so tats, jeans or workpants at an interview, that kind of stuff, who gives a hang. Most techs’ written language skills are one notch above “barely literate,” so I very seldom paid much attention to resumes and God forbid they’d attempt a cover letter. I would glean what in what I could from others in the network- other managers around town, etc. Before the guy even came in to see me I usually knew if it was thumbs up or down.
It is more fun to be the interviewer than the interviewee though. Meow.
It is more fun to be the interviewer than the interviewee though. Meow.
A woman who likes Super-Troopers: awesome!
Yeah, I’d much rather be the interviewer, which I’ve done a couple times (although not in years). I think your hiring ideas are pretty smart. One sort of hiring practice doesn’t work for every job. When I was hiring it was for sales, so obvious tats or piercings would get you not hired.
One time I was interviewing a dude in a wheel chair. I didn’t think anything of his disability, but he made a comment about one of my other employees that lost him the job (nothing too serious, but enough that it cost him the position), but I was half-afraid he’d sue me.
I managed a front desk for many years…the amount of TARD that is out there is just mind blowing some times…..true story, I know.
Believe me, you haven’t lived until you’ve had to sell truck parts to pig farmers. Nothing reeks like pig shit, and they don’t change their footwear before traipsing in pig shit all over your retail area and stinking up the place. The general public- let’s just say it’s been a long time since I’ve dealt with the unwashed retail masses. Gives me the chills just thinking about it.
Hey, I raised a pig for 4-H! That has nothing to do with anything, but I thought I’d interject that here.
You know those job interviews when you don’t REALLY give a shite whether you get them or not are the best because you ARE so relaxed and confident the way you should be when you really, really want something. It sounds as if you’re lucky you didn’t get it because I wouldn’t want you to have to be anything close to normal. And that goes for your voice too.
Was the guy at Rite Aid stoned?
Totally he was. I don’t know about the Rite Aid sales clerk, though.
HA!!!!!!! Well, glad you got to Ireland anyway.
But yeah, I thought it was one of the best interviews I’d ever had. Obviously it wasn’t…
you just never know…I like Carrie’s Dr. Phil take on it. I think that’s it.
Hmm, drive to Ireland? That reminds me of someone who asked me if the Canadians got the idea for “their Olympics” from us a few years ago.
If the Canadians did their own Olympics wouldn’t it just be hockey and beer drinking?
Don’t forget curling. 😉
It could be true. The United States’ example is how Canadians got the idea to wear shoes.
Much love to my Canadian friends!
There are times when people say such stunningly stupid things it brings to mind the lyrics from the Talking Heads’ “Psycho Killer” — “When I have nothing to say my lips are sealed. Say something once, why say it again?” That was one sage psycho.
Yeah, but then he breaks out into French. I mean, “qu’est que c’est,”–just what is it?
Thanks for the comment, LA!
We need Le Clown to provide us with the translation.
Le Clown would know for sure. But could we trust him to tell us honestly? As a French-Canadian he walks that razor’s edge between darkness and light, the angelic and the infernal.
Does it matter? We’d be entertained.
You have a really nice speaking voice! (you really do, I’m surprised he didn’t think it was ‘normal’)
and I agree with Brigitte – I was nervous about this one interview I went on and then about ten mins into it – I just knew, this is not the place for me…all my anxiety went away and I jus didn’t give a hoot – they called me afterward and said you got it – I declined…they would NOT stop calling me! They even offered me more money (still said no) ..
It’s nice to be in demand! There’s only been one time that’s happened to me. I had just accepted a position when someone else offered me a similar one for slightly more money and more authority. I was really tempted, but I’d just made a commitment to the other job and had to decline. The new business didn’t last a year, I don’t think–so I made the right decision.
Perhaps it’s not the kindest thing for me to wish on you, but I really hope you have more stories like this to tell, very amusing!!
Thanks, C&S! Sorry for the delay in replying–I’m behind (as usual) on a project (remember how long it took me to get back to you on the questionairre?). I have many more amusing stories, and since they’ve ALREADY happened to me, you needn’t feel bad.
Speaking of feeling bad, I’ve been reading your posts (I know you went back home to MacHomeland & of course I can’t resist a post with “breast” in the title), but I haven’t found time to comment. I’m a shitty time-manager. However, having called myself out like this, I’m pretty much obliged to go and do that within the next twenty-four hours. I sometimes have to trick myself like that.