ABBA, Adolf Hitler, bad cops, Bar Harbor, Barry Zito, Beacon Hill, cannabis, Casey Anthony, childhood obesity, Coors, Coors is horse piss, country music, dope, drugs, fat kids, fat people, gay people, Georgia, Germany, Happy Days, headlines, Hebrew Nationals, Hugh Hefner, HURRR!, Jennifer Lopez, jerky, LAPD, Maine, Marc Anthony, marijuana, Miller, NAACP, obesity, piñata, police brutality, Pope Benedict XVI, pot, Pringles, quaint lighthouses, reefer, revenge shooting, Rodney King, sharks, Smaktakula's decades-old vendetta against the French, Space Shuttle, Space Shuttle Atlantis, sweet sweet cheeba, the French, VE Day, weed, whitey, Why am I so fat?, WWII
Nothing but headlines. You should know by now, folks–we don’t read so well.
Hugh Hefner Already Has New Girlfriend ~ However, her name is being withheld since she’s a minor.
Confessions of a Gay Christian Country Singer ~ My dog died, my truck done broke, I got stinkin’ drunk and then I hit the clubs with Jesus and danced the night away to ABBA mashups, out of my fucking head on two hits of E and a little crystal.
36 Hours in Bar Harbor, Me. ~ “Oh, look–Another lighthouse–and even quainter than the last. I wish I were dead.”
Toddler was victim of revenge shootings ~ Before you judge, we should let you know–he was a bad boy.
Trip to Minors gives Zito new perspective ~ For one, the weed is different in Fresno.
Pope Benedict XVI Praises Jesus In First Ever Tweet ~ Considering that the Pope’s phone was purchased with company money, it makes sense that his first tweet would be big ups to the boss.
Whitey’s influence felt on Beacon Hill ~To hear the NAACP tell it, Whitey’s influence goes a lot deeper than that.
Do Obese Kids Need to be Placed in Foster Care? ~ Being a foster parent is a tough enough job without having to spend the extra dough to feed these human baleen.
Casey Anthony jurors explain their thinking ~ HURRRRRRRR!
Great White Sharks Off the Coast of Georgia? ~ Not out of the question–sharks like jerky, too.
Happy Days actors accuse CBS of ‘despicable conduct’ ~ According to the group’s spokesman, R. Malph, CBS can “Sit on it, Bucko!”
Hitler’s Talking Dogs ~ Ärfen! Ärfen!
MillerCoors kicked off state shelves ~ People were forced to drink beer that wasn’t carbonated jackal piss.
What Would ‘The Good Wife’ Do? ~ She’d make us a sandwich. What? You asked.
Jennifer Lopez, Marc Anthony call it quits ~ If these two lovebirds can’t make it work, what hope is there for the rest of us?
Shuttle Atlantis’ Astronauts Get Sunday Off in Space ~ “Hey, Stu–how did you spend your day off?” *** “How do you think? Floating around in this high-tech Pringles can–same as you. God, you’re such a fucking asshole.”
Rodney King busted on suspicion of driving under the influence in California ~ OFFICERS ADVISED TO PROCEED WITH CAUTION!