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Tag Archives: Judas Iscariot

Heroic Teachers Gone Wild vs. Prudery

15 Tuesday May 2012

Posted by Smaktakula in Crime, Culture, News

≈ 7 Comments

Tags

Alini Brito, Allison Musacchio, anti-skank bigotry, Benedict Arnold, Brooklyn, childish sexual innuendo, Cindy Mauro, crusty old school board, evil high school janitors, French teachers, girl-on-girl action, Girls Gone Wild, Hi Mrs. Peterson!, Horndog High, Hot for Teacher, inappropriate activity, international language, James Madison High School, janitors, Judas Iscariot, lesbians, lipstick lesbians, New York, one more reason to hate the high school janitor, Penthouse Forum, prudery, skankery, skankism, skanks, Skanks in the Crosshairs, snitches, Spanish teachers, Steve Bartman, tattle-tales, teachers, teachers gone wild, the janitor knows all your secrets, treachery, utopian futures, Van Halen, Vidkun Quisling

By Smaktakula

Van Halen’s Utopian Vision Has At Last Come To Pass.

As if further evidence were needed of the alarming rise in anti-skank sentiment across the globe, more proof comes in the form of a 2009 tragedy in suburban Brooklyn.  Two young women, exemplary educators by all accounts, were publicly humiliated and then cast to the wind by a prudish school board which punished the provocative pair not for any lack of competence, but simply because they were floozies.

November 20th, 2009, began and ended for most people like any other late autumn day in New York.  But for James Madison High School Spanish teacher Alini Brito and French teacher Cindy Mauro, it would signal the beginning of an anti-skank witchhunt that, when the dust cleared, would rob JMHS of not just two, but at least four talented educators.

One’s A French Teacher, For Goodness’ Sake! Of COURSE They’re Gonna Make Out In A Darkened Classroom.

The trouble began for Brito and Mauro when one of the school’s janitors took an inexplicable dislike to the winsome pair.  The janitor’s identity has been withheld for fear that otherwise his name would rightly be counted among history’s perfidious greats, enshrined alongside such icons of infidelity as Vidkun Quisling, Benedict Arnold and Judas Iscariot.

The custodial timebomb’s opportunity for revenge came when he spotted Brito and Maruro in an unguarded moment.  With their students occupied elsewhere in the school and having nothing else to do, naturally, the two language teachers began to shed their clothes and furiously grope one another.  Nothing terribly out of the ordinary–it had been just another school afternoon until the janitor spied the hot polyglots.

It’s doubtful that a definitive explanation of the custodian’s motives will ever be found, although that has not stopped various sources from making the attempt, propounding a panoply of theories–a brain embolism, schizophrenia, the notion that the janitor was just plain evil.  As plausible–even likely–as these theories may be, they will never be able to change the facts of this tragedy nor undo the injustice which, set in motion that day, continues inexorably to the present.

Unlike Baseball Goat Steve Bartman, When The Janitor’s Chance Came, He Dropped The Ball.

We do know that, rather than cry thanks to the Almighty for this one-time Gold Ticket opportunity to man up and acquire carnal knowledge directly from the mouths of these two educators in a sexual schooling straight from the oddly resinous pages of Penthouse Forum–or at the very least continue to lurk in the shadows while quietly pleasuring himself–the custodian was faced with a make-or-break choice and came up short.  The little snitch went and told the school safety officer.

This innocent act of hot hot affection would shatter the lives of the two skanky educators; the school board quickly reassigned the star-crossed pair to separate schools.  But since then, the school board’s aggressive anti-skank pogrom has claimed at least two more victims: Allison Musacchio and Lisa Gutilla.

Musacchio’s ostensible crime was having sex with an underage boy.  The disgraced teacher’s lawyer counters, however, that by time the “victim” left Musacchio’s bed, he was by all accounts a man.

Our Teachers Were Not Nearly So Dedicated. Trust Us.

Gutilla’s case is even more egregious.  The 37-year old physical education instructor’s world was turned upside down when the school board determined that the sexual contact she had been having with a fourteen-year-old girl was “inappropriate.”  There was a time–and not so long ago–when an oddly mannish girls’ volleyball coach whose athletes squirmed under her lingering touch wasn’t an aberration–it was tradition.

The school board’s decision to rob JMHS of these caring, innovative instructors by casting them aside was callous and counterproductive.  In time, with luck and with love, the four will find their respective ways in the world, able to hold their heads high.  But long after their story is forgotten, the poignant lessons of  Brito and Mauro’s daring, doomed love will remain, hanging in the air like chalkdust in a still classroom after the last bell has rung.  Separately these professorial party girls may have taught Spanish and French, but for its brief and shining existence, their hot, groping union showed us all a little something about the international language.

God Speed, You Brave, Brave Women. Believe Us When We Say We Will Think Of You Often And Be Touched.

We would think that two highly educated language teachers could do a better job of hiding their shenanigans.  Is it wrong to expect more from cunning linguists? ∞T.

No Gingers Need Apply

13 Tuesday Dec 2011

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture, News, Science

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

baby-batter, better dead than red, bigotry, Cyros International, drunken Irishmen, gingers, ginjism, jizzmastre, Johnny Whitaker, Judas Iscariot, redheads, sorry Thorsie!, sperm bank, sperm donor, treachery

By Smaktakula

It's Practically The US Motto.

Historically, gingers have had it rough.  Thought in ancient times to be possessed of sinister powers or bestial sexual urges, today’s redhead is merely regarded as a disturbing genetic anomaly.  And yet, until recently, these soulless individuals enjoyed the same rights as the rest of unafflicted humanity.

Famed Traitor Judas Iscariot (Seen Here Kissing A Dude) Was A Ginger.

Now, all that has changed, with one organization single-handedly turning back the clock on ginger rights.  Cryos International, the world’s biggest sperm bank,  has announced that it will no longer accept donations from redheads, as its larders are positively brimming with ginjism.  The announcement was made through a representative of Cyros, who asked to remain anonymous for fear that his family might be hexed by angry gingers seeking reprisal.

There Are Some Fundamental Differences.

According to Cyros, the decision is the result of a steeply-diminished demand for red-headed baby-batter.  “In civilized, first-world countries, nobody wants a ginger around,” the Cyros rep says.  He adds, “You’ve got just one country with a high demand for redheads, and that’s Ireland.  And I don’t have to tell you that they’re all bombed out of their skulls.”

Sometimes The Greatest Kindness Is To Kill Them In Infancy.

Drunken Irishmen aside, it appears that increasingly there are fewer places in this world that gingers can call home.  Although Promethean Times understands the emotions behind Cyros’ decision–we don’t want gingers in our neighborhoods either–for society’s sake, we cannot endorse the decision to bar these Day-Glo monstrosities from donating sperm.  If not provided a safe, reliable outlet for their bestial urges, we face a future where gingers will be pleasuring themselves on Main Street.

You Don't Have To Tell Us, Man!

Headlines 05.27.11

27 Friday May 2011

Posted by Smaktakula in Celebrity, Culture, News, Politics, Religion, Sport

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

Apple, Buster Posey, chauvinism, comas, Dewey defeats Truman, Dominique Strauss-Kahn, English isn't a real major, English majors, forgery, God, Harry S Truman, has-beens, headlines, Houston Astros, Ivy League, Jesus freaks, Johnny Depp, Juan Marichal, Judas Iscariot, Los Angeles Dodgers, Mickey Mouse, misogyny, Navy SEALs, New Testament, Oprah Winfrey, porn stars, psychopath, retard, San Francisco Giants, South Carolina, STDs, Stephen Hawking, Steven Tyler, Thomas Dewey, venereal disease

By Smaktakula

In which we respond to the headlines without reading the stories.

Because The Headline Tells You All You Really Need To Know.

***

My Son and West Point — How Did Four Years Pass In the Blink of an Eye? ~ You’ve just awoken from a years-long coma following a grisly accident.  We thought someone had already told you.  Sorry.

Half of New Testament forged, Bible scholar says ~ The culprit appears to be a Jewish revolutionary by the name of Iscariot.

Prevent STDs like a porn star ~ Die of a drug overdose before you’re diagnosed.

Oprah Winfrey signs off after 25 years in daytime talk TV ~ In unrelated news, the American home has suddenly become cleaner, reversing a quarter-century trend.

For Oprah So Loved The World That She Spent A Tiny Bit Of Her Own Money, That Whoever Receives From Her Should Not Whine, But Have Eternal Thanks.

Doomsday Today: Will world end on May 21, 2011? ~ Nope.

Apple triggers ‘religious’ reaction in fans’ brains, report says ~ Apple fans are a lot like Jesus freaks–nice enough people, but not someone you want to be stuck next to on a seven-hour flight.

Stephen Hawking: ‘There is no heaven; it’s a fairy story ~ Look at it from Stephen’s perspective–if there is a God, He fucking HATES Stephen Hawking.

Disproving God Is As Easy As Tying Your Shoes.

Steven Tyler Hits The Studio With Johnny Depp ~ Johnny’s doing his part for ‘Take Your Grandpa To Work’ Day.

French women attack misogyny in Strauss-Kahn case ~ Misogyny, Non! Chauvinism, Oui!

‘R word’ to be removed from S.C. state laws ~ The mentally challenged will now be called ‘persons with intellectual disabilities.’  There’s no way retards will ever be able to understand that.

When it’s time to run for office, fewer women stand up ~ They do the same thing when it’s time to pee.

Navy Fights Mickey Mouse for SEALs Trademark ~ That mouse is fucked.

US Forces Currently Occupy California Adventures, Frontierland and New Orleans. Special Forces Teams Are Attempting To Establish A Foothold In Fantasyland While Shelling General Duck’s Bunkers In Tomorrowland.

How to spot a psychopath ~ He’s the dude in the Holly Hobby dress holding the dripping ax.

Why would-be engineers end up as English majors ~ Because being an English major is easy.  Trust us.

Top Colleges, Largely for the Elite ~ Exclusionary, Ivy-League institutions are being overrun by the privileged children of the world’s elite?  The devil you say!

Why did no one notice the boy was missing? ~ It’s hardly a ringing endorsement for the dynamism of the young man’s personality.

Dodgers fall to Astros in ninth inning: A fan’s reaction ~ San Francisco Giants fans are advised to stay indoors until such time as the Dodgers can eke out a win.

The Public Has Been Led To Believe That Buster Posey’s Ankle Injury Was Caused By A Collision At The Plate.

We’ve done this kind of thing before:

  • Promethean Times Responds To The Headlines
  • Headlines II
  • Headlines III
  • Headlines IV

Things With Religious Sounding Names Are Cool

26 Wednesday Jan 2011

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture, Religion, Science

≈ 1 Comment

Tags

Biblical names, insects, JAMC, Jerusalem Cricket, Jesus and Mary Chain, Jesus Jones, Jesus Lizard, Jesus of Nazareth, Judas Iscariot, Judas Tree, Religion, sea of Galilee, the redemptive powers of the JAMC, things with religious names, treachery, walking on water

By Smaktakula

Observe:

The Judas Tree: The World's Most Treacherous Flora.

The Jesus And Mary Chain Has Saved Smaktakula's Soul On More Than One Occasion.

The Jerusalem Cricket: Our Favorite Insect.

The Jesus Lizard Is So Freaking Cool That It Walks On Water. However, If You Kill It, It Stays Dead.

It doesn’t always work:

Jesus Jones: Not So Much.

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