'Lil Kim, 1492, 2010, 2011, 2012, Afghanistan, Amy Winehouse, Arab Spring, Armenian Genocide, Arnold Schwarzenegger, arson, Barack Obama, California, Celebrity Death Watch, Charlie Sheen, Cleveland, Code Pink, Democratic Republic of Congo, Democrats, Diana Spencer, Dirk Nowitzki, dumb kids and the dumb things they do to fuck up their lives, ennui, Fidel Castro, Flower of American Skankhood, Gabby Giffords, gay people, Jani Lane, John Boehner, Julius Malema, Kate Middleton, Kim Jong-il, Kim Jong-un, Kim Kardashian, LeBron James, Leslie Nielsen, Lewis County, Libya, LiLo, Lindsay Lohan, Mayans, Muammar al-Gaddafi, muslims, Nancy Pelosi, narcos, North Korea, Oakland, Occupy, Osama bin Laden, places that suck, Prince William, prognostication, Promethean Times' Person of the Year, puppy-killing, Randy 'Macho Man' Savage, Rapture, Republicans, Robert Mugabe, San Francisco, self-promotion so shameless that it borders on hucksterism, Smaktakula is aware that 'penises' is the accepted plural but if it's good enough for Steinbeck it's good enough for us, Smaktakula's decades-old vendetta against the French, Smaktakula's vendetta against Lewis County, South Africa, Steve Jobs, Tea Party, the cult-like devotion accorded to Steve Jobs by effete Mac users, the French, the West, United States of America, Washington State, Zimbabwe
By The Promethean Times Editorial Staff
We’ll admit it–we didn’t think it would come to this. We figured we’d be rich by now, or at the very least the Rapture would have freed us from our myriad woes. Since it didn’t (it didn’t, right?), we’ve picked ourselves up and resolved to make a game go of it. Moreover, we’re concentrating our hopes on the admittedly feeble chances the Mayans were right in predicting doom for 2012, and that very soon sweet nothingness will obliterate the pain that is existence.
Until then, though, we’re even more delighted that, last December, we were the inaugural winner of the Promethean Times’ Person of the Year. Now, as we say goodbye to what we call ‘The Year of Promethean Times,’ it’s time to recognize a new mover and/or shaker for his/her/its contribution or impact to our world.
Having outstripped the rest of the field by light-years in the 2010 contest, Promethean Times could be forgiven for feeling like it has an edge in this year’s selection. After all, no one disputes that Promethean Times’ many, many contributions to the betterment of society rank among the more significant developments in 2011. Still, the beloved news journal remains humble. “Would we like to repeat?” asks Smaktakula, lead writer, “Absolutely–who wouldn’t? But we’ve got important events to cover, and we can’t really spend time thinking about things like that. Besides,” he adds, “Some other stuff happened.”
Among that stuff was a string of dead dicks, despots and men of low character. 2011 bid farewell to a number of those comical tyrants who, through nothing more than style, a ridiculous outfit and balls the size of grapefruit, commanded legions to do their bidding. Osama bin Laden’s cringing demise among the fluid-spattered catacombs of his porn library taught us all to laugh again, while the image of Keystone Cops stumbling after wacky sand-despot Muammar Gaddafi in a madcap chase aross the Libyan desert gave us reason to laugh even harder. The ascendance of Steve Jobs and Kim Jong-il to their respective heavenly kingdoms reminded us that Gods too can die.
Fortunately, the world is in no immediate danger of losing its megalomaniacal dickheads–it seems as if for every despot hanged, another sprouts from the puddle of piss at his twitching feet. The loss of ‘Lil Kim was a blow for North Korea, but made easier when Kim Jong-un waddled into his father’s shoes and accepted his mandate to drive the shitstain of a country further into the ground. Africa maintained its preeminence for venal strongmen throughout 2011, with brutal racist Robert Mugabe of Zimbabwe single-lippedly keeping alive the Hitler Mustache, while Julius Malema, an exciting new face on the South African scene, promises to continue the ruination of the one-time economic powerhouse. And throughout the world, Muslims continued to blow things up in protest of the western world’s inexplicable and persistent view of Muslims as violent and reactionary. The West countered with fiercely abject apologies.
Another theme embraced wholeheartedly worldwide was indignation. Contrary to the age-old adage, “What goes up must inevitably continue to do so,” 2011 saw a further decline in the still-ridiculous standard of living enjoyed by the West. Like going out to lunch with Grandma, the belief arose that it was enough to wait it out, and somebody would eventually pick up the check. The jarring reality that Grandma died during a visit to the ladies’ room brought angry people into the streets. In America, this phenomenon took the form of “Occupy Wall Street,” a Tea Party for the under-40 crowd, who still like to break things and enjoy the novelty of humping in Liberty Park, where rank coils of human feces suffice for scented candles and complete exposure for privacy.
The year was momentous for the United States. Although ending its involvement in Iraq (kinda, not really) the US steadfastly continued interminable bank-busting conflicts in places like Afghanistan, while also embarking on other daring adventures such as temporary conflicts in Libya and a secret war¹ in the Democratic Republic of Congo. On the home front, the government turned its attention against homegrown enemies, like pot shops in California, while Operation Fast & Furious ensured that narcos and Mexican Army assassins could continue to terrorize the citizenry of the failed state and disappear the occasional American tourist.
The year began with the Arizona shooting that turned US Representative Gabby Giffords into a living martyr, and the rest of the nation into a gang of loudmouthed assholes. Throughout the year the citizenry continued the tradition of killing one another, often in new and surprising ways.
President Obama was once again unable to deliver on his promise to make the United States a magical Care Bear land of milk & honey scented with the sweet strains of children’s choirs singing liltingly of the unifying joy of diversity, but from their bastions in college quads and Code Pink meeting-houses, the President’s dwindling cadre of true believers assured us it was Republican obstructionism. And secret racism. Republicans countered that their sole aim was to restore sanity to a beleaguered nation, and promised that only as a last resort would they burn the fucking thing to the ground.
Political penii² proved productive in promoting prick-principled puns, as well as gratuitous alliteration. The destructive power of the penis was ably demonstrated by Arnold Schwarzenegger, who showed us that even a wealthy Hollywood/Government powerhouse with an even richer (albeit skeletal) wife will fuck an ugly woman if given the opportunity. Late night talk-show hosts methodically shook every last droplet of humor from the Weiner situation, before putting away their pricks at the disgraced NY Rep.
Political mores and identities changed more than ever, particularly in institutions such as the US Military. The US Navy broadened its long and proud tradition of maritime homosexuality by allowing gays to be open about it. At the same time, former Gay Mecca San Francisco saw its fabulousness eclipsed in favor of dumps like Oakland and Cleveland. Meanwhile, in Washington State’s rural Lewis County, citizens continued their proud practice of frequent–and flagrantly public–sexual congress with barnyard animals.
As did the death of beautiful paper-doll Diana Spencer over a decade before, the wedding of Prince William to commoner Kate Middleton proved Americans are still fascinated with the royal family from which their forefathers once strove so mightily to emancipate themselves. Although America does not have a royalty per se, the Twenty-First Century has seen the rise of a new class of publicly-owned do-nothings. Paramount among these is the vile Kardashian Klan, a bloodline and marriage-based conglomerate that may just be the strongest argument yet advanced in support of the Armenian Holocaust.³ Kim Kardashian’s sham-marriage to basketball legend somebody-or-other netted the vapid perfume-tycoon more money than you’re likely to see in a thousand lifetimes.
There were a few stars whom we were relieved to see survive 2011, not least because their delightfully destructive antics provide regular low-hanging fruit for Promethean Times. Toothless cretin Charlie Sheen managed to bring his life and career to a shattering halt, suffering the additional injury of losing his place in America’s most beloved half-hour of insipidity to a genial retard. Yet through a heroic lack of self-awareness and the public’s perverse predilection for the doomed, the former Carlos Estevez is more popular than ever. The same cannot be said for Lindsay Lohan, once hailed as ‘The Flower of American Skankhood,’ who like Sheen, is one of 2012’s most likely fatalities. Despite a loving and supportive family, worldwide adoration and impeccable personal hygiene, the only audience to prove capable of tolerating LiLo’s act for any length of time were her customers at the LA County Morgue.
Sport continued to be a necessary diversion around the world, uniting and dividing people not by races or ethnicity, but by the overpriced merchandise they wore. In American sports, Jesus, sole scion of the Jehovah Dynasty, briefly tried His hand at football before quietly retiring once again to the sidelines, much to the dismay of football fans in the Mountain States. Although a strike marred the beginning of the 2011-2012 NBA season, the 2010-2011 season ended in a thrilling contest that satisfied both haters of LeBron James and fans of Schadenfreude in general. In what was nearly universally regarded as a black year for baseball, the one bright spot was the continuing absence of a World Series trophy in the Lone Star State. And in sports outside of America’s shores, a group of Japanese ladies won some soccer thing.
With all these notable events and people, both tragic and sublime, from which to choose, our editors had an unenviable task in determining Promethean Times’ Person of the Year for 2011. It was only after a thorough and at-times grueling vetting process, at several points during which the acrimony grew both increasingly bitter and ad hominem, that the worthy candidate emerged. Promethean Times is proud to name as this year’s Promethean Times’ Person of the Year and our first two-time back-to-back recipient, Promethean Times, honoring the venerable publication for its indefatigable and often thankless dedication to fighting the barbaric practice of puppy-killing.
Bravo, Promethean Times.
To The Dear Friends To Whom We Bid Farewell In 2011: May You Find Yourselves In Heaven Before The Devil Knows You’re Dead:
¹ While it’s not actually a secret that 100 US ‘advisers’ have been sent to the DRC to help combat the Lord’s Resistance Army, it might as well be for all the media talks about it. ∞T.
² ‘Penises’ is the accepted plural of ‘penis,’ but Promethean Times has always been, and will forever proudly remain, a penii-loving publication. ∞T.
³ It’s a joke, Tanzr–don’t let it curdle your yogurt soda. Yes, what happened to your great-great aunt whatsername at the hands of the Turks all those years was a tragedy, but at least we provided a link to Wikipedia. That’s a hell of a lot more than the US Government ever did. ∞T.
Agent Cody Banks, Arturo Beltran Leyva, badassery, badassery as a legal defense, bling, border, California, cocaine, Cuernacava, drugs, Edgar Jimenez Lugo, El Negro, El Ponchis, Elizabeth Jimenez Lugo, hitboy, hitman, Julio Padilla, La Barbie, Mexican Army, Mexican drug cartel, Mexico, narcos, pussy, San Diego, Tijuana, United States of America, Yolanda Lugo Jimenez
Most young boys dream of growing up to do great things: being a starship captain, secret agent or superhero. In Mexico, one pubescent boy did more than just dream; laughing in the face of the naysayers, he did what the world thought impossible for a lad of his tender years. He became a hitman.
Edgar Jimenez Lugo claims to have participated in no fewer than four beheadings as a wetworks man for a Mexican cartel. Known until his arrest only as ‘El Ponchis,’ the hitboy is currently under extra security for his protection.
Lugo reportedly worked for Julio “El Negro” Padilla, a narco whom Lugo’s sister, Elizabeth Jimenez Lugo, was said to bang. Padilla, along with other rising narcos such as La Barbie, came to power in the vacuum created by the killing of Arturo Beltrán Leyva.
Lugo came to worldwide attention after he and several other youths were identified in a YouTube video claiming to be hired killers for the cartels. Despite an intensive search lasting several months, the boy was not apprehended until December, when Mexican soldiers arrested him along with Elizabeth Jimenez Lugo at the airport in Cuernavaca.
Authorities claim the pair were bound for Tijuana, where they planned to cross the border to see their mother (by some accounts stepmother), Yolanda Lugo Jiménez in San Diego. Thanks to the careless pair, Mrs. Jiménez and her husband are now in the process of being deported.
However, no such fate awaits the boy assassin–if anything, El Ponchis may be imported: he is American-born. Furthermore, the boy claims that his actions on behalf of the cartel were due to coercion, and that he had been drugged.
Whether Lugo is the maniacal beast that cable news would have us believe, or as is equally likely, if he’s just a big-talking kid who’s gotten in way over his head by giving the media a story it’s only too happy to digest without critical thought, he’s given young boys worldwide a benchmark toward which to aspire. For that reason, we hope young Edgar Jimenez Lugo is found Not Guilty For Reasons Of Badassery.
careers for Spanish-speakers, Ciudad Juarez, cocaine, corruption, death by bullet, drugs, illegal drugs, La Barbie, maquiladoras, Mexican Army, Mexican drug cartel, Mexican Government, Mexican jail, Mexican Police, Mexico, narco war, narcos, narcotics industry, professions with low life expectancy, Se Necesita Ayuda, Señoritas, smuggling, War on Drugs
A dismal job market is forcing employment-seekers to think creatively, possibly pursuing previously unconsidered revenue sources. Some enterprising souls are reversing a decades-old trend, and leaving the United States to seek work in Mexico, particularly along the lawless border region.
Most new arrivals to Mexico’s border towns discover what the old timers already know: working in a maquiladora sucks ass. Six days of life-numbing factory work per week at a parakeet’s pay is enough to make anyone dream of a better life.
Thanks to the regular bloodletting across Northern Mexico, young men have another option.* Jobs on all sides of Mexico’s ongoing narco-war are plentiful, due to rapid turnover and increasing demand both for drugs and for a continuance of the senseless conflict.
Career options within this fast-growing industry are varied. But for candidates not averse to mayhem and risk and who speak fluent Spanish, a fast life awaits among the blood and dust .
Currently, the most popular choice is narco. Although there is little job security, and the initial pay is a pittance, a good narco can rise quickly. Many find the toil worth it–seasoned gunmen often have more cash, coke and señoritas than they can spend, snort or fuck in their typically truncated lifetimes.
There are any number of organizations to join, but prospective applicants should choose their organization wisely. A cartel which is in the decline or which has fallen into disfavor with the Mexican government is a poor choice.
One of the great advantages to working as a narco is that if you can stay alive long enough, you’re almost assured of rising to the top. And it’s a position for life.
However, many young men are overlooking great opportunities in the Mexican Army or the police. These jobs are thought to be mundane and unexciting, but this is largely untrue. In addition to benefits and their regular pay, soldiers and police officers also have access to women and drugs, plus a license for nearly unlimited violence. Long hours, paperwork and a tendency to be assassinated are among some of the headaches associated with these jobs.
The Mexican Narco Wars are booming, and there’s never been a better time to get started in this exciting industry. With America’s insistence that Mexico continue to play along in the War On Drugs, it’s only going to get hotter!