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Tag Archives: gingers

True Facts: Twins

28 Tuesday Aug 2012

Posted by Smaktakula in Science

≈ 29 Comments

Tags

gingers, normals, outright lies, true facts, Twins, vengeance of an angry God

By Smaktakula

If This Happens To You, You Probably Deserve It.

Some common misapprehensions about identical twins:

1) In most societies, the belief persists that identical twins are a blessing. In fact, they are evidence of God’s displeasure.

2) There is no “evil twin” per se. However, because identical twins share but one soul between them, they have a higher propensity for wickedness than do “normals.”

3) The pinkie-finger of a twin, ground up and made into a tea, wards off the effects of leprosy.

Which Twin Is The Evil One? We’re Looking At The Ginger.

No Gingers Need Apply

13 Tuesday Dec 2011

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture, News, Science

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

baby-batter, better dead than red, bigotry, Cyros International, drunken Irishmen, gingers, ginjism, jizzmastre, Johnny Whitaker, Judas Iscariot, redheads, sorry Thorsie!, sperm bank, sperm donor, treachery

By Smaktakula

It's Practically The US Motto.

Historically, gingers have had it rough.  Thought in ancient times to be possessed of sinister powers or bestial sexual urges, today’s redhead is merely regarded as a disturbing genetic anomaly.  And yet, until recently, these soulless individuals enjoyed the same rights as the rest of unafflicted humanity.

Famed Traitor Judas Iscariot (Seen Here Kissing A Dude) Was A Ginger.

Now, all that has changed, with one organization single-handedly turning back the clock on ginger rights.  Cryos International, the world’s biggest sperm bank,  has announced that it will no longer accept donations from redheads, as its larders are positively brimming with ginjism.  The announcement was made through a representative of Cyros, who asked to remain anonymous for fear that his family might be hexed by angry gingers seeking reprisal.

There Are Some Fundamental Differences.

According to Cyros, the decision is the result of a steeply-diminished demand for red-headed baby-batter.  “In civilized, first-world countries, nobody wants a ginger around,” the Cyros rep says.  He adds, “You’ve got just one country with a high demand for redheads, and that’s Ireland.  And I don’t have to tell you that they’re all bombed out of their skulls.”

Sometimes The Greatest Kindness Is To Kill Them In Infancy.

Drunken Irishmen aside, it appears that increasingly there are fewer places in this world that gingers can call home.  Although Promethean Times understands the emotions behind Cyros’ decision–we don’t want gingers in our neighborhoods either–for society’s sake, we cannot endorse the decision to bar these Day-Glo monstrosities from donating sperm.  If not provided a safe, reliable outlet for their bestial urges, we face a future where gingers will be pleasuring themselves on Main Street.

You Don't Have To Tell Us, Man!

Keep Waterboarding In The Home Where It Belongs

12 Tuesday Jul 2011

Posted by Smaktakula in Crime, Culture, News

≈ 1 Comment

Tags

Amnesty International, bacon, bacon attack, Bacon is evil!, bad grandparents, bad kids, child abuse, Clinton Heights, Evil Ones, gingers, Granny Gitmo, Guantanamo Bay, Marilee Ann Kolynych, nanny state, parental rights, Pennsylvania, Problem Child, wakeboarding, waterboarding

By Smaktakula

Granny Gitmo

Clinton Heights, Pennsylvania, has joined that growing list of places where parents are legally prohibited from disciplining their own children as they see fit.  63-year-old grandmother Marilee Ann Kolynych learned this the hard way when she sought to teach her grandson a lesson about gluttony.

Kolynych has apparently long prided herself in taking an active role in raising her grandchildren.  So, one morning when her grandson proved too rapacious at breakfast, consuming a few extra slices of bacon, Kolynych took matters into her own hands.  Kolynych chased the boy into the yard and forced him to the ground, while beating him about the arms and legs and spraying him full in the face with a garden hose.

You Don't Think This Kid Deserves It? Maybe Just A Little?

Although the boy was not seriously harmed during the pre-lunch assault, and will certainly think twice in the future before snatching an extra piece of breakfast meat, Kolynych was arrested the following day.  She is now free on bail.

We Get Waterboarding And Wakeboarding Mixed Up. Which Is The Fun One Again?

Activists on both sides of this issue are studying Kolynych’s ordeal with great interest.  Some agree with the prosecution that the Guantanamo Granny’s actions constitute abuse, and hope that Kolynych will receive a fitting punishment.  However, many others feel that American parents are slowly losing the right to discipline their own children.

Promethean Times agrees with these beleaguered parents.  Is it not enough that we can no longer use waterboarding techniques to extract recipes and childhood memories from the Evil Ones?  Not content to stop there, the courts now see fit to strip this age-old right from parents.

Even Amnesty International Doesn't Have A Problem With Waterboarding If Your Child Is A Ginger.

As Promethean Times has previously noted, this is not the first time that a pork product has sown the seeds of discord and aggression. ∞T.

Caged Skank: LiLo To Jail?

26 Tuesday Apr 2011

Posted by Smaktakula in Celebrity, Cinema, Crime, News

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

Babes Behind Bars, Celebrity Death Watch, childish sexual innuendo, don't drop the soap, drunk driving, exploitation films, famous gingers, Flower of American Skankhood, gingers, jail, John A. Gotti, John Gotti, Jr., Kim Gotti, LA County Morgue, LiLo, Lindsay Lohan, skanks, Skid Row, untalented stars, women in prison, women's shelter, you got a real purty mouth

By Smaktakula

A Still From Lindsay's Solo Mime Performance: 'Fellating A Very Tiny Invisible Man.'

Lawyers for sometime-actress and Flower of American Skankhood Lindsay Lohan plan to file an appeal against a court decision that could send the vapid sexpot to jail for up to 120 days.   The decision comes in response to a parole violation stemming from the actress’ 2007 conviction for drunk driving.

This Magic Talisman Is Considerably More Efficacious When Used By Male Prisoners.

Even if LiLo is forced to serve some or all of her sentence, there is an upside.  Not only have the producers of the upcoming John Gotti biopic graciously allowed the imploding actress to keep her role  in the film as Junior Gotti’s loyal wife, Kim, but jail-time should give LiLo some first-hand experience in prison life, which should give her an edge in future auditions for soft-core Babes Behind Bars exploitation flicks.

Word Is, The Girls On Cellblock D Already Have A Nickname For LiLo: 'The Crimson Clam.'

As Team Lohan appeals Lindsay’s jail time, the actress is preparing to fulfill her 480 hours of community service at a Skid Row woman’s shelter and the LA County Morgue, where she will work as a janitor.  The experience will no doubt be made more enriching for the doomed starlet if she comes to understand that these same two locations are also likely to be the penultimate and terminal stops on her career trajectory.

Making The Most Of Her Time At The LA County Morgue, LiLo Poses With The Corpse Of Charlie Chaplin.

Snowboarder’s Empire Could Go Up In Smoke

03 Monday Jan 2011

Posted by Smaktakula in Celebrity, Sport

≈ 11 Comments

Tags

Arturo the Intern, athletes, Baja Fresh, bong, Canada, cannabis, Corn Nuts, dope, Flying Tomato, Funyuns, gingers, grass, hemp, making excuses, medalist, Michael Phelps, Olympic Committee, Olympics, poppyseed bagels, pot, Red Vines, reefer, Ross Rebagliati, Shaun White, snowboarders, snowboarding, sticky-icky super-chronic, stoners, sweet sweet cheeba, THC, United States of America, weed, Weedies, Xbox

By Smaktakula

Just Take A Look At The Man--He's High Right Now!

Michael Phelps’ fall from grace and subsequent loss of several lucrative endorsement deals after being photographed pulling on a bong must send a chill through the athletic community, particularly among those athletes in low-paying sports who depend on endorsements to maintain their lifestyle.  According to friends, snowboarder Shaun White is one of the athletes said to be playing on the edge.  Said an unnamed source, “We keep trying to tell Shaun that he’s just one bust away from stocking the salsa bar at Baja Fresh.”

We Sincerely Hope That Shit Was The Sticky-Icky Super-Chronic, Mike, Considering What It Cost You.

Promethean Times managed to secure an interview with the Flying Tomato at the athlete’s home.   Although our intern, Arturo, spent over twelve hours with White, the interview tapes last only a few minutes, Arturo’s questions having to be squeezed in between White’s interminable Xbox sessions with friends, tours of his home which included views of his extensive air-freshener and incense collection, and the athlete’s repeated offers of such sundries as Red Vines, Corn Nuts and Funyuns.

The Olympic Committee Stripped Canadian Snowboarder Ross Rebagliati Of His Medal When He Tested Positive For THC. It Was Later Returned After It Turned Out That Ross Had Merely Stepped Into An Elevator Where "A Bunch Of Guys Had Just Been Getting High," Inadvertently Inhaling Some Of The Smoke. That And He'd Eaten A Poppyseed Bagel A Few Days Before. They Can Totally Mess Up A Test.

Perhaps White’s most salient insight during the interview was this:

Yeah, I’ve heard the rumors–who hasn’t?  I want to clear the air–heh–regarding this matter once and for all: I don’t smoke pot.

He went on to add:

But I saw on TV one time that for someone to overdose on marijuana they’d have to smoke a bag of weed the size of a house, and they’d have to do it in like fifteen minutes or something!

Dude, can you totally imagine a house made of pot?  That would be fuckin’ sweeeeeeeeeet!  People’d be like, “Hey Shaun, what happened to your doorknobs, man?”  And I’d be like, “I don’t know, man!”

At this one of Shaun’s friends whispered in his ear, after which the Gold-Medal ginger said:

Um, I mean just for pretend, y’know?–Completely and totally not for reals.

Hey dude, are you recording this?

Reefer Is To Snowboarders As Oxygen Is To Humans.

Of course, like anyone else, White is innocent until proven guilty.  Even if the rumors prove false, the damage has been done.  Many within the sport privately fear that recurring allegations of marijuana use among its athletes could doom snowboarding’s clean-cut image forever.

Shaun Burns The Half-Pipe, But He Shreds On A Bong.*

*You thought we’d go with the “Weedies” angle, didn’t you?  Too easy.  ∞T.

Shannon Price Is A Cooze

18 Friday Jun 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Crime, Hollywood, Justice, National Events, People, Relationships, Scandal, Television

≈ 6 Comments

Tags

ad hominem, Black Widow, cooze, dead celebrities, famous for nothing, Gary Coleman, Gary Coleman's widow, gingers, gold digger, hypocrisy, Promethean Times has neither a sense of decency nor propriety, pure evil, Shannon Price, unrepentant, vulgarity, Yoko Ono

Nothing ad hominem about it . . .          

To Add Insult To Injury: I Wouldn't Put Out

. . . Ms. Price let her husband die.  As such, our vulgarity is germane to the discussion.       

Even if this unrepentant black widow never sees a courtroom for her deeds, she’s doomed to live out the rest of her days, saddled with the guilt of killing the goose that lays the golden eggs.*       

*By ‘goose that lays the golden eggs’ we mean ‘small black actor who, insofar as we are able to determine did not actually lay golden eggs,’ but was a human being with all humanity’s accordant dignity, and deserved neither his sad death nor the snide comments Promethean Times has been making since then, up to and including this sentence. 
Alas, we’re inveterate hypocrites.

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