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Tag Archives: New York Times

Headlines: No Rod Unspared

04 Monday Feb 2013

Posted by Smaktakula in Cinema, Crime, Culture, Entertainment, Headlines, History, Politics, Stupidity

≈ 36 Comments

Tags

Alabama, Axe Body Spray, Baseball, Belgium, blond is beautiful motherfuckers!, California, Chicago White Sox, Colorado, Condoleezza Rice, Costa Mesa, don't hate us because we're ignorant, fun with stereotypes, Greece, headlines, Helen Keller, homeless people, homosexuality, hunger, Israel, Joe Biden, Koreans, man-boy love, Muhammad, New York Times, obesity, Orange County, pederasts, penis breakage is not funny!, Pennsylvania, racism, Sparks, Twins, Why am I so stupid?, WNBA, Wyoming

By Smaktakula

And They All Lived Happily Ever After.

In which we opine on the headlines of the day without first bothering to read the articles.

***

Ask E. Jean: My Husband is Sleeping with My Mother ~ That motherfucker!

What Is It Like To Be an Adult and Not Have Kids? ~ It’s like being a kid yourself. A kid who has sex, stays out all night doing exciting things and has lots of money.

The Makers Of Axe Now Say It Can Cure Homosexuality ~ Well, a sharp blade can cure just about anything, but is it ethical?

Poll finds fresh increase in US racism ~ Europe must really be laughing their heads off at us right now. Or they would be, anyway, if they didn’t still have seasonal race riots or if they’d ever voted a black dude to head the EU. So stick that in your stein and drink it, Fritz!

Ultimate Fighter BREAKS His Penis in Half! ~ Sorry, folks–we feel that some things are just too awful to joke about.

What Is Your Hair Color Personality? ~ Master-race. Hey–you asked.

Individually, We’re Super-Nice People. It’s Only When We Run In Packs That You Want To Start Keeping An Eye Out.

Deaf Belgian twins, 45, win right to die after losing sight ~ If you were somehow able to ask Helen Keller what she thought of these monozygotic mama’s boys, she’d probably tell you, “Aughaguh ruwurgh!”

Costa Mesa confronts homelessness head-on ~ No, really–head on. Like with a car. They really don’t care for the homeless in the OC.

Alabama woman accused of biting husband’s genitals ~ Before you judge, try to remember that ball-biting is what passes for foreplay in Alabama. Those poor folks just don’t know no better.

Some say Obama will be last African American president ~ Notably the same political sages who said in 2007 that we’d never have an African-American president in the first place.

Basic hygiene at risk in debt-stricken Greek hospitals ~ And it’s not like the Greeks have ever been as crazy about hygiene as they are about, say, man-boy love.

The 10 biggest errors in baseball history ~ Shorts on the White Sox has got to be way up there. That was just gay, and we mean that in the bad way.

Yes, It Was Worse Than That Time They Threw The World Series.

Sparks Advance in WNBA Playoffs ~ So they’re still doing that WNBA thing? Well good! Good for them!

Did the Fish Sandwich That Jay-Z Bought Zadie Smith Violate NYT Ethical Guidelines? ~ Huh. So is this how you saw your future career when you got that acceptance letter from the Columbia School of Journalism? Just curious.

It’s So Big! ~ If we had a dollar for every time we heard that….

Condi Rice Is in No Position To Lecture Anyone on Foreign Policy ~ To be fair, her position as a Stanford political science professor does put her in a pretty good position to lecture people on foreign policy with some regularity.

Boy, 7, shot to death outside Pa. gun store ~ Not just irony–shootin’ irony.

Obesity is a Bigger Problem Globally than Hunger ~ Absolutely. A self-inflicted ‘epidemic’ that kills rich first-world folks over the course of decades is no less heinous than the sight of swole-bellied children starving to death under a fly-choked sky.

The Fact That You Will Never Have To Suffer Hypertension, Diabetes, Gout Or A Host Of First-World Maladies Should Put An End To Your Sense Of Entitlement And Also Help With Your Obvious Body-Image Issues.

Pennsylvania man fails at 2 suicide attempts on interstate before work ~ HR immediately pink-slipped that two-time loser.

Perfect 10? Never Mind That. Ask Her for Her Credit Score. ~ Hold on now. Remember, you can’t hump a credit score.

Is Islam’s prophet Muhammad to have more screen time? ~ Unless Regal Entertainment Group is actively seeking a fatwa, our guess is “no.”

Hermit Crabs Adapting To Kick Neighboring Crabs Out Of Homes ~ These arthropods are more properly called ‘Slumlord Crabs.’

Army of kids drenches Biden with massive waterpower ~ This could be the Rosetta Stone of all piss-jokes, if only we could unlock it.

Taking a different view of pedophilia ~ One clergyman’s take on this contentious issue.

“Don’t Spare The Rod. Am I Right, Fellahs?”

Ask the Headhunter: ‘Are Headhunters Worth Talking To?’ ~ The headhunter says that yes, headhunters are very much worth talking to.

Colorado coed breaks ankle on Wyoming mountain, records video ~ This is hardly out of character for her–she sent out a press release when she got her first period.

Why you want to ‘eat’ cute puppies ~ Because you’re Korean and it’s a cultural thing.

’89 School Shooting Survivor: ‘It Gets Better’ ~ “In 2004 I regained the ability to move my right thumb 45 °. I’m gonna walk someday–you wait and see!”

Jennifer Aniston & Brad Pitt Separated 8 Years Ago ~ And here we are still talking about it.

Alameda County sheriff seeks drone to fight crime ~ Is there an Alameda County in Kandahar? Otherwise this seems…we don’t know…kinda un-American?

Taliban Insurgents Learned Their Rage Through A Life Of War And Deprivation. Oakland Anarchists Came To It By Way Of The Middle Class.

Could You Be An Asshole? Holy War

03 Wednesday Aug 2011

Posted by Smaktakula in History, Politics, Religion, Stupidity

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

affecting intelligence, American Civil War, American Revolution, anti-semitism, Chinese Revolution, conflict, Could you be an asshole?, Crimean War, don't be an idiot, Franco-Prussian War, French Revolution, glasses, Gulf War, holy war, Italo-Abyssinian War, Nazis, New York Times, NPR, people who want to sound smart but aren't, Russo-Japanese War, Soviet Revolution, The Indian Wars, Vietnam Conflict, war, War of 1812, wars of religion, Why am I so stupid?, World War I, World War II

By Smaktakula

"Verily, Brethren, I Say Unto Thee That It Pleaseth The Lord That We Smite These Fuckers Royally."

It’s not a crime to want to seem more intelligent than you really are.  There are a great many ways to affect this which are not only effective but also appropriate, such as wearing glasses, carrying an NPR tote bag or bringing up the New York Times more than once in a polite conversation.

Just as there are appropriate ways to feign intelligence, so also are there inappropriate ways.  Chief among these are statements designed to sound intelligent to other idiots, but break down under a smidgen of scrutiny.  One such canard is the oft-heard assertion that “all wars are fought over religion.”

The Almighty Wants No Part Of This.

It is absolutely true that religion is the cause of all armed conflicts, with a few notable exceptions: World War I, World War II, the Vietnam Conflict, the Soviet Revolution, the French Revolution, the Indian Wars, the Chinese Revolution, the Russo-Japanese War, the War of 1812, the Gulf War, the American Civil War, the Italo-Abyssinian War, the Cuban Revolution, the Korean Conflict, Sino-Vietnamese War, the Franco-Prussian War, the American Revolution, the Crimean War, and far, far, far too many others to name.

Not Only Did These Evil Fuck-Monkeys Wage A Decidedly Unholy War, But They Took It To God's Chosen People.

The so-called ‘Jesus Wars’ of the early 1970s were not at all religious in nature, but rather a series of bloody turf-battles between Los Angeles gang leaders. ∞T.

Headlines 09.14.10

14 Tuesday Sep 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in News

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

ABC, Afghanistan, arthritis, Barack Obama, BBC News, BLTs, breakfast killing spree, Bud Selig, Chicago Tribune, Germans in large groups are best avoided, Governor Moonbeam, headlines, infidels, Iraq, Islam, Jerry Brown, Kentucky, LA Times, leeches, Meg Whitman, Moose, Moose Knuckle, mosque, MSNBC, New York Times, pets, Proty II, San Francisco Chronicle, Seattle Times, Somalia, Taliban, Time, USA Today, who reads USA Today anyway?

By Smaktakula

In which we can’t be bothered to read the articles, but are quite happy to comment on the headlines.

Because Promethean Times Is Above All Else Topical.

Time  Iraq: What Will The Remaining 50,000 U.S. Troops Do?

  • We dunno; try not to die?

New York Times  Moose Offer A Trail Of Clues On Arthritis

  • How can this NOT be about the Moose Knuckle?

Seattle Times  Islamic Center Debate Stupefies Muslim World

  • Unaccustomed as it is to debate.  Also to women drivers and BLTs.

MSNBC  Somalia rebels looking like Taliban – World news – Africa – msnbc.com.

  • Pretty much any form of government is an improvement in that anarchic hellhole.

ABC  Deadly Attacks Across Iraq After US Troop Numbers Drop Below 50K

  • But didn’t we win?

Chicago Tribune  Can Your Pet Read Your Mind?

  • What?  Are you a child?  No!

USA Today  Bud Selig Attends Ceremony For Bud Selig Statue

  • If he didn’t show, he’d be an even bigger douche than he already is.

LA Times  Whitman targets Bay Area voters with ad attacking Brown

  • Whitman wastes her fucking money.

LA Times  Plastic bag ban is a job killer

  • Yeah, but it makes us feel like we’re doing something for the environment without expending any effort.

NY Times  Afghans Pull Money From Weakened Bank

  • Wait–Afghanistan has a bank?

San Francisco Chronicle  Killing spree suspect’s downhill slide

  • Trajectory of the slide: He killed a guy, and it was all downhill from there.

Reuters  Obama says his economic policies halted “bleeding”

  • Leeches will achieve the same end.

BBC News  Six dead after US breakfast killing spree in Kentucky

  • The sausage patty tried to calm things down, but the scrambled eggs was tweaking on some bad ice he’d scored the night before.  Scrambly was jumpy; he was constantly fiddling with his gun while shouting lines from ‘The Wedding Planner’ at the top of his voice.  It was only a matter of time before things turned bloody.

New York Times  Long Dormant, German Pride Blinks and Stirs

  • United Kingdom braces for massive influx of French refugees.

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