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Tag Archives: Taliban

Return Of Not What You Were Looking For?

02 Friday Mar 2012

Posted by tardsie in Culture, Stupidity

≈ 12 Comments

Tags

abortion, Afghanistan, Barack Obama, Barry Bonds, Baseball, Bert & Ernie, Billy Carter, black sororities, breastuses, Camilla Parker Bowles, China, Courtney Love, degenerates, dope, douchebaggery, drugs, drunken Irishmen, Emmanuel Lewis, even Jesus thinks Fred Phelps sucks, fauxhawks, fellatrix, femullet, grass, hemp, Herb Tarlek, Hugh Hefner, Kim Jong-un, marijuana, Massengill disposable douche, mullets, North Korea, not what you were looking for?, Pedobear, pork, pot, Prince William, reefer, Robert Mugabe, rope, Russell Brand, seriously--hippies are odious, Stupid Gene, sweet sweet cheeba, Taliban, testicles, Tina Fey, Tina Fey not dead, tiny penis, urban legends, vagina, water sports, weed, Westboro Baptist Church, Yao Ming

By Tardsie

There's No Such Thing As A 'Typical" Promethean Times Reader. The Only Common Thread Is Degeneracy.

Not everyone who visits Promethean Times finds us on purpose. Here we respond to some of the bizarre, dangerous and downright foul search terms by which you found us. Enjoy!

***

fags love straight men ~ It’s true, but just between us, you’ll be safe.

sexual watersports ~ What’s that, like having sex on water-skis? We’ll just look that up and…OH! OH, MY GOD! WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?

ugly guy with mullet ~ We’re gonna need more details.

drunken irish beaver ~ We challenge you to show us an Irish beaver who’s not drunk.

"Aw Jaysus, Mikey, Me Ould Son--Oim So Fookin' Pissed Oi Cannah Remember--Iz'tah Wrang Soide Ah Dah Rood Daht We Droive Ahn, Oir Dah Roight Soide?"

hugh hefner creepy ~ Really? You don’t think it’s normal for a doddering, incontinent old man to make pretend sex with silicate vixens?

a is for addict ~ b is for bum. This is fun!

in squalor recluse no friends ~ Sounds tough, buddy! Hopefully we were able to make you smile.

is pauly shore allergic to anything? ~ We like the way you think. Tell us you’ve got a lunch date with Pauly.

courtney love breast feeding at Wendys ~ Surely even the most rabid breast-feeding advocate must concede that such a thing is neither natural nor beautiful; it is an abomination.

Apparently, She Lactates Pure Methadone.

emmanuael lewis 2011 ~ Skonk 4 LIFE, Yo!

confusion in 84 year old ~ That’s bound to happen.

does prince william call camella “mom”  — What do you think, retard?

tina fey dead ~ She’s NOT dead. We told you that.

history of black dicks ~ Well, you might want to start with Robert Mugabe, and Barry Bonds was supposed to be a real jerk…you meant ‘black penii,’ didn’t you?

Being A Nice Guy Doesn't Matter Until You Lose Your Ability To Hit.

what did billy carter do ~ Besides embarrass a nation, you mean?

who is prince william’s soulmate? ~ ‘Lil ‘Lil Kim. We also told you that.

cons to a temporary marriage ~ Same as the cons for a permanent marriage: your spouse.

did you invite jesus ~  Hells yeah! He’s doing Jell-O shots.

"The Bad News Is That We're Out Of Wine. The Good News Is We've Got All This Bottled Water, And I Know This Party Trick..."

bert and ernie gay ~ You’d think that Bert would be the ‘man,’ but no, it’s Ernie.

opinions on abortion — We’ve got enough opinions already.

how to thank an asshole for an asshole action — Flush?

paul pierce eyes–And now we suppose that Paul is blind.

percentage of men who climax on their partner’s face ~ It’s about 45%. The percentage who do it a second time? 0%.

Seriously, It's Not Sexy.

was macht pauly shore heute —Nichts

korean down syndrome — They call it “Up” syndrome in South Korea.  In the glorious paradise of North Korea there are no people with disabilities whatsoever.  They’re eaten.

promethean times ~ Hello!

cooking in your sauna ~ It can be done, but it’s not advised.

spiders living in tongue; spider lays eggs on face ~ Not true, sadly, but it’s nice to have something to believe in.

worst place to live in north korea ~ Well, it’s all pretty bad, but we heard that the intersection of Chigun and 47th Avenue is pretty rough.

westboro name origin ~ We told you a little about that.

"So I'm Thinking Of Starting A Church..."

white girls in black sororities ~ Actually, black sororities are in many ways like our rules for eating in bed: No Crackers!

lady mullet ~ It’s called a femullet, and it’s hella sexy.

naked nicknames ~ Smaktakula’s is ‘Tiny.’

crazy russian mathmatition ~ You’re talking about our pal, Grigori!

after the taliban took control of afghanistan, respect for women went downhill from there.  they are treate . . . ~ Sounds like you already know how the story comes out. What do you need us for?

fellatrix blog ~ We read it for a while, but found it hard to swallow.

fake testicles ~ Check these out!

baseball is big in China ~ Nothing’s all that big in China, except for Yao Ming, and he had to come to the States for a life worth a damn.

Oh Yeah, And This Monstrosity.

pedobear jackpot ~ It’s the first ten rows of a Justin Bieber show.

statistics ballet homosexuality ~ It’s somewhere around 95% (plus or minus 5%).

douchebaggery now a hairstyle ~ It has been for a while. Check this out. And this.

marijuana rectal cancer ~ It’s the sole cause, man!

dread hippy porn–We dread it too.

Yeah, We Know That Razors Weren't So Big In The Age Of Aquarius, But In The Age Of Hygiene, They Are. And Take A Shower While You're At It!

poems about mullets ~ I think that I shall never see/A Dude as hideous and sad as thee/Please cover your head with a paper bag/’Cause your freaky hair makes you look like a…doofus.

russell brand douchebag–We prefer Massengill brand douchebag.

appalachian pot-– The strain is created by cross-breeding it with itself.

i hate pork ~ Smaktakula does too.

camilla parker bolwes pretty–Pretty what?

Usually Powerful Men Like Prince Charles Opt To "Go Pretty" In Second Marriages.

victims of the stupid gene ~ More numerous than sand on the beach.

following vice prez who is next in line of succession the prez of us ~ Apparently the Founding Fathers didn’t think this through. According to the Constitution, in  the event that both the President and Vice-President are unable to serve, the Presidency goes to the  guy who owns the most horses.

nicknames for dick — What’s your name again?

was obama photographed with leeches on his face ~What?!? No.

dear camp female tramps ~ Tramps are dear to us as well.

vienna sausage creations ~ Well, speaking euphemistically–children.

showing his cock ~ ‘Tis a fine bantam you have there, sir–sure to win first prize at the County Fair.

people remembering the 60s — Are often tiresome.

Anti-Drug PSA's Would Be So Much More Effective If This Guy Was The Poster-Boy.

fbi warning negro—Clarence prefers to be called the FBI warning African-American.

testicles hanging off truck—That was one hell of an accident.

condoms for men with small penis~They’re called Little Richards, and they’re surprisingly comfortable. Or, that’s what we read in Consumer Reports anyway.

tina fey died ~ Haven’t we been through this?

im a nazi ~ Some Israeli gentlemen may be visiting later this evening.

fish vagina innuendos—Going to a party later tonight and need a line that will impress the ladies?

"Because Canned Tuna Is Too Expensive! Heh! Tuna? Anyone? Because Canned Tuna Is Too Expensive!..You People Wouldn't Know Funny If It Bit You On The Ass!"

***

Check out how these creepos found us!

  • Not What You Were Looking For?
  • Still Not What You Were Looking For?
  • Not What You Were Looking For, Episode III: The Search For Cock
  • Not What You Were Looking Four?

Headlines 09.14.10

14 Tuesday Sep 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in News

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

ABC, Afghanistan, arthritis, Barack Obama, BBC News, BLTs, breakfast killing spree, Bud Selig, Chicago Tribune, Germans in large groups are best avoided, Governor Moonbeam, headlines, infidels, Iraq, Islam, Jerry Brown, Kentucky, LA Times, leeches, Meg Whitman, Moose, Moose Knuckle, mosque, MSNBC, New York Times, pets, Proty II, San Francisco Chronicle, Seattle Times, Somalia, Taliban, Time, USA Today, who reads USA Today anyway?

By Smaktakula

In which we can’t be bothered to read the articles, but are quite happy to comment on the headlines.

Because Promethean Times Is Above All Else Topical.

Time  Iraq: What Will The Remaining 50,000 U.S. Troops Do?

  • We dunno; try not to die?

New York Times  Moose Offer A Trail Of Clues On Arthritis

  • How can this NOT be about the Moose Knuckle?

Seattle Times  Islamic Center Debate Stupefies Muslim World

  • Unaccustomed as it is to debate.  Also to women drivers and BLTs.

MSNBC  Somalia rebels looking like Taliban – World news – Africa – msnbc.com.

  • Pretty much any form of government is an improvement in that anarchic hellhole.

ABC  Deadly Attacks Across Iraq After US Troop Numbers Drop Below 50K

  • But didn’t we win?

Chicago Tribune  Can Your Pet Read Your Mind?

  • What?  Are you a child?  No!

USA Today  Bud Selig Attends Ceremony For Bud Selig Statue

  • If he didn’t show, he’d be an even bigger douche than he already is.

LA Times  Whitman targets Bay Area voters with ad attacking Brown

  • Whitman wastes her fucking money.

LA Times  Plastic bag ban is a job killer

  • Yeah, but it makes us feel like we’re doing something for the environment without expending any effort.

NY Times  Afghans Pull Money From Weakened Bank

  • Wait–Afghanistan has a bank?

San Francisco Chronicle  Killing spree suspect’s downhill slide

  • Trajectory of the slide: He killed a guy, and it was all downhill from there.

Reuters  Obama says his economic policies halted “bleeding”

  • Leeches will achieve the same end.

BBC News  Six dead after US breakfast killing spree in Kentucky

  • The sausage patty tried to calm things down, but the scrambled eggs was tweaking on some bad ice he’d scored the night before.  Scrambly was jumpy; he was constantly fiddling with his gun while shouting lines from ‘The Wedding Planner’ at the top of his voice.  It was only a matter of time before things turned bloody.

New York Times  Long Dormant, German Pride Blinks and Stirs

  • United Kingdom braces for massive influx of French refugees.

World Once Again Wary Of German Military

06 Tuesday Apr 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Crime, History, News

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

Afghan Coalition, Afghani allies, Afghanistan, corrupt Afghan despot, fictional nazis, friendly fire, Fritz, German troops, Germany, Hamid Karzai, Jerry, Krauts, Muslim, Smaktakula's decades-old vendetta against the French, Taliban, the Boche, The Hun

By Smaktakula

The German Army doesn’t engender the same fear and respect that it did during the first half  of the 20th Century: children in Warsaw sleep soundly in their beds knowing that never again will the dreaded Wehrmacht come roaring from the west; in Amsterdam stoners and lechers alike sample the city’s many illicit delights without fearing the sound of jackboots on cobbled streets; and in Paris, Nicolas Sarkozy isn’t dusting off his nation’s official accord de capitulation just yet.

The biggest threat posed by modern Germany’s army is to its allies on the battlefield.  Recently in Afghanistan, German troops allegedly mistakenly killed several Afghani soldiers.

Rolling In His Fictional Unmarked Nazi Grave

Corrupt Afghan despot Hamid Karzai was no doubt concerned by the needless slaughter of his people, but relieved to find that none of the victims was an enemy Taliban leader with whom Karzai was secretly meeting.

In light of this unfortunate situation, coalition governments are worried about negative reaction throughout the Muslim world to the friendly-fire killing, fearing that it will jeopardize the broader coalition mission to stabilize Afghanistan.

The world waits nervously to see which faction will draw the ire of the Afghanis and the greater Muslim world: The German soldiers who committed the costly error, or the Taliban fighters whose actions necessitated the deadly battle?

Oh, Right.

Corrupt Afghan Despot Has Hissyfit Over Capture Of Taliban BFF

17 Wednesday Mar 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in International Relations, Justice, Middle East, Military, Politics, Relationships, World Affairs

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

Afghanistan, corrupt Afghan despot, corruption, Hamid Karzai, ingratitude, Mullah Abdul Ghani Baradar, Pakistan, Pakistani forces, secret meetings, Taliban, treachery, United States of America, US Intelligence

The election-rigging, opponent-intimidating, undemocratic yet American-backed president of Afghanistan is all wound up by the capture of Mullah Abdul Ghani Baradar by Pakistani forces aided by US intelligence.   It was revealed that Karzai was engaging in secret talks with the high-ranking Taliban official.  After this incident, Karzai is afraid that the Taliban will forever regard him as a big jerk. 

Karzai: Hurt Feelings Resulted From The Capture Of The Enemy With Whom He Was Secretly Meeting

You knew Karzai was corrupt, but did you know he was a treacherous ingrate?  Well, read this anyway: Aide: Karzai ‘Very Angry’ at Taliban Boss’ Arrest – Afghanistan | Map | War – FOXNews.com.    

Smaktakula

Rushdie Calls Amnesty ‘Morally Bankrupt’

23 Tuesday Feb 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Europe, General Foolishness, Human Rights, Islam, Middle East, Religion, Terrorism, World Affairs

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

Amnesty International, Ayatollah Khomeini, fatwa, Guantanamo Bay, Iran, Nelson Mandela, Salman Rushdie, Taliban, The Satanic Verses

 It’s sad, really, because back when Amnesty International enjoyed a consistent moral philosophy, it joined the international community in pressuring Iran not to kill author Salman Rushdie.  To be fair, the Ayatollah Khomeini did have a legitimate grievance–Mr. Rushdie wrote a book.  Around that same time, Amnesty International was keeping international attention on the plight of then-political prisoner Nelson Mandela.

For several years, however, Amnesty International seems to be losing its way.  Recovering alcoholics often say that a person must first hit “rock bottom” before beginning the road to recovery.  Perhaps this point marks the nadir in the once-great human rights organization’s history, and that Rushdie’s assertion will be a challenge to Amnesty to pick itself back up and begin the long, arduous work of repairing its reputation and mission.

Or, perhaps Amnesty will issue its first-ever fatwa. 

Read it before SR goes back into witness-relocation:Salman Rushdie: Amnesty International is morally bankrupt – Times Online.

Smaktakula

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