Tag Archives: microdick poseurs

America Fails To Measure Up

29 Tuesday Mar 2011

Posted by in Culture

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By Smaktakula

The penis rankings are in, and the nations of the West have come up short.  The United States’ result is particularly embarrassing.  Although managing to avoid the lowest quadrant–populated by such sad-sack microdicks as China, India and Burma–the United States’ position is still a cause of insecurity.  With Canada and Mexico both producing larger–and therefore presumably more satisfying–penises, the US will be forced to take some action to ease the pecker gap.

penis-size-map.jpg

'That Guy's Hung Like A Columbian' Takes On New Meaning.

It is unclear whether the United States will attempt to address this inadequacy by trying to attract large penises from other parts of the globe or rather by stimulating the domestic production of more massive man-meat.  Until this love-missile shortfall is addressed, the US will have a hard time showering in the world locker room with all the other countries around.

Things We Think About: The Hummer

03 Thursday Feb 2011

Posted by in Culture, Sport, Stupidity

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By Smaktakula

Before You Say This Thing Is A Shameful Waste Of Resources, Ask Yourself: What If The Senior Prom Were Held Atop Mt. Kilimanjaro?

From 1992 until 2010, the Hummer was the most talked-about vehicle on the roads.  The massive SUV, General Motors’ civilian version of the US Military’s High Mobility Multipurpose Wheeled Vehicle, or Humvee, was an object of admiration to off-road enthusiasts and to environmentalists, a garish icon of American rapacity.  Although there remain a great many of these automotive behemoths on the road today, GM discontinued the line in 2010, and “Hummer” is quickly returning to its origins as a euphemism for oral sex.

This Oversized Child's Toy Reminds Us That You Can In Fact Have Too Much Money.

The Hummer has but two uses.  It is a powerful and durable all-terrain vehicle, the perfect utility for that small percentage of the population which finds itself in conditions so inhospitable that such a conveyance is necessary.  Or, it can serve as an artificial manhood for pitiable pencil dicks with good credit and a dearth of brains.*

IM HUMMN. Translation: "Ladies: Not Only Would I Like You To Believe I Am A Virile Sex-God, But Also That I'm Quite Witty."

Either way, a Hummer without a personalized plate screaming “Look At Me!” just isn’t a Hummer at all.

*Poorly-endowed halfwits without good credit often opt for TAPOUT accessories. ∞T.

Condom Manufacturer Missing Massive, Throbbing Opportunity

17 Tuesday Aug 2010

Posted by in Culture

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By Smaktakula

Rigidity, long viewed as an asset within Trojan® Brand Condoms’ corporate culture, may now be its undoing.  The prophylactic powerhouse is missing out on a marketing goldmine.

Condoms: A Great Way To Prevent Unwanted Pregnancies, Sexually Transmitted Diseases Or Any Sensation In The Penis During Sex.

The condom manufacturer boasts several lines of extra-large condoms, including Magnum and Max Pro.  Industry studies show that 25%-30% of the men who purchase these products do so because they have penises too large for regular-sized condoms.

The remaining percentage are thought to be microdick poseurs who believe that pretending to be the proud owner of a penis the size of a baby’s forearm will impress the clerk at Walgreens.  It won’t; she’s seen bigger.

As effective as Magnum and Max Pro may be in attracting the better-hung man’s dollars, Trojan has yet to utilize the branding coup of the decade.  Amazingly, it seems no one has yet wondered, Wouldn’t it be great if there were already a word which people associate with ‘Trojan,’ but which also connotes superhuman endowment?

"HELLO!?!"