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Diff’rent Strokes Curse Remains With Work Undone

29 Tuesday May 2012

Posted by Smaktakula in Celebrity, Culture

≈ 25 Comments

Tags

a very special episode, A-Team, America's inability to say NO, Arnold Jackson, Bad Terminator, boob job, breast implants, bulimia, Celebrity Death Watch, cooze, Cultural Folk Hero, Dana Plato, Diff'rent Strokes, Diff'rent Strokes Curse, drugs, Emmanuel is the Antigary, Emmanuel Lewis, famous catchphrases, famous short people, famous virgins, Gary Coleman, Harlem, Hello Larry!, Johnnie Cochran, jumping the shark, Just Say No!, Kimberly Drummond, Knight Rider, lesbians, Moore, Mr. T, Nancy Reagan, New York, Norman Lear, obscure celebrities, Oklahoma, Playboy, porno movies, redemption, Shannon Price, small black actor, soft-core, spank mags, Tötyl Hömö, Tötyl Hömö may just be the best band name ever, Terminator 2, The Facts of Life, Todd Bridges, unremitting virginity, Vanilla Ice, Where Are They Now?, Willis Jackson

By Smaktakula

“Mr. Drummond, I Assure You, Not Only Have I Never Heard Of Something Called A ‘Stinky Pinky,’ But I–OH!”

Diff’rent Strokes proved an instant hit with TV audiences in September of 1978.  The Norman Lear sitcom about Harlem orphans falling into the lap of luxury was anchored by veteran stage actor Conrad Bain, and featured promising child stars Todd Bridges and Dana Plato.  But the breakout star of the fledgling show was an adorably precocious chubby-cheeked Gary Coleman, whose shameless mugging and hilarious catchphrase, Whatchootalkinbout, blurred the line between funny and precious.

For a time, Diff’rent Strokes was a cultural phenomenon.  There were spinoffs both successful and unsuccessful–The Facts of Life and Hello Larry, respectively.  A variety of high-profile guest stars appeared on the set, including Knight Rider and KITT, Mr. T and an only slightly punchy Muhammad Ali.  Nancy Reagan even made an appearance in an very-special 1983 episode, where she made famous the line, Just Say No, which would within a few months completely eradicate America’s drug problem.  It seemed there was no place too remote to escape the ubiquitous images of cherubic Gary Coleman and the rest of the gang.  The future was indeed bright.

When Norman Lear Heard The Story Of The Park Avenue Psycho Who Abducted Two Street Kids As Sex Slaves (Seen Here On Surveillance Video), He Knew He Had A Hit Sitcom On His Hands. He’d Have To Clean It Up A Little First.

But by the time Diff’rent Strokes limped off the air in 1986, things had changed.  The venerable show had outlasted everyone’s expectations, but the cracks were beginning to show.  Cast members left, and improbable new ones were added.  Worst of all, while puberty had done nothing for Coleman’s stumpy physique, it had cruelly robbed him of his last vestiges of cuteness, leaving him a troll.  Even by the time the cameras had stopped rolling, people had begun to whisper about a curse.

THE ACCURSED:

Here The Gang Recreates Rembrandt’s ‘Eternal Virgin Flanked By Skank And Skonk.’

Todd Bridges/Willis Jackson:  Of the show’s three principal child stars, Todd Bridges has fared the best in that he remains alive as of this writing.  In the early 1990s, it seemed almost a certainty that the actor would have been long dead by now.  Life after Diff’rent Strokes may not have been easy for Todd, but it wasn’t boring.

Bridges traces his downfall to the diabolical troika of Sex, Drugs and Dana Plato.  Already an up-and-coming child star by the time of Diff’rent Strokes, Todd was thrust too quickly into a world with which he couldn’t cope.   Todd’s burgeoning crack addiction contributed to his legal problems, including a 1988 arrest for shooting a man while on a drug-binge.  Bridges had both the wherewithal and resources to enlist the aid of Johnnie Cochran, and was able to beat the charges.

Today, it is possible to be optimistic about Todd’s future.  He has been sober for several years, and has made inroads to rebuilding his shattered career.  Todd furthered his redemption in 2002 when he beat the shit out of Vanilla Ice on Fox’s vile Celebrity Boxing.

Todd’s Redemption Song Was The Sweet Stacatto Melody His Fists Played Across ‘Nilla’s Face.

Dana Plato/Kimberly Drummond:  Dana Plato began to unravel a few years before the show took its final bow.  When she became pregnant with her only child in 1984, the show’s producers wrote her out, bringing her back for a few appearances in the final season, including a very special episode about bulimia.  Even before her dismissal, rumors had begun to swirl about possible drug use and difficulties on the set.

It was difficult for Dana to find work, although she found in Playboy a showcase for her newly augmented breasts in 1989.  Sadly, her pre-Brazillian ‘spread’ may constitute the last high point in an existence which would drag on for another ten years.  During this time she would endure a number of personal setbacks–the death of her adoptive mother, abandonment by her husband and losing custody of her son, as well as some legal hassles.  The most embarrassing of these, a video-store robbery, culminated in a 911 caller exclaiming, “I’ve just been robbed by the girl who played Kimberly on Diff’rent Strokes!”

Dana Felt Deceived When She Found That Her Criminal Record, Despite Happening In Las Vegas, Would Not In Fact Stay There.

Dana tried to revive her acting career, appearing in soft-core films and even claiming (although she would later recant) to be a lesbian.  Dana died alone in a Winnebago on Mother’s Day 1999, parked outside her boyfriend’s mom’s house in Moore, Oklahoma.  Almost eleven years later to the day, her son Tyler would kill himself, a second-generation victim of the curse.

Settle Down Now. If A Dead Girl’s Ass Makes This NSFW, Then Your Boss Needs To Learn To Live A Little. That’s All We’re Saying.

Gary Coleman/Arnold Jackson:  Gary Coleman’s recent death is still fresh in the public’s mind.  But the pitiably pint-sized punchline endured much in the twenty-four years between his untimely death and the cancellation of Diff’rent Strokes, and given the heights he once reached, his must have been the most dizzying fall.

Hello?!? It’s 2011; We Don’t Call Them That Any More. The Album Should Be Titled: “The Indian And The Cultural Folk Hero.”

Gary had always had health problems, which along with his medication, contributed to his runtiness.  Then there were the legal troubles with his parents, whom Gary sued for misappropriation of his millions.  Gary was profligate with money himself, indulging his habit for model trains.  Sadly, the tiny has-been never thought to invest his resources into finding a cure for his virginity, which persisted throughout his life.

“Come On, Touch It. Just A Little Touch. Come On, Now–Slap It A Little.” Gary Had Trouble With The Ladies.

Whether it was as a money-lending pitchman, ‘Where Are They Now?’ TV cameo or as viral video laughingstock, Gary always found a way to entertain us.  It seemed that Gary had finally found love in the form of confirmed cooze Shannon Price.  Some experts have claimed that Price was the human personification of the Diff’rent Strokes Curse, or at the very least its dark avatar.  Gary gave her his heart and in return she fiddled while he died, and in what is the greatest indignity of all, never in their several months of matrimony bestowed her marital favors on the virginal troll.

“Your Honor–As My Wife, Isn’t She Supposed To DO Something About My Little Virginity Problem?”

THE UNPUNISHED:

Conrad Bain/Phillip Drummond:  A number of theories abound as to why Conrad Bain, who along with Coleman and Bridges was with the show for its entire run, has been allowed to live for almost 88 years.  Popular explanations for this seeming immunity range from the plausible (“Bain’s Canadianness somehow inures him from the effects of the curse”) to the frankly ridiculous (“The cast members of Diff’rent Strokes aren’t the victims of a hex at all, but rather the twin factors of stardom at an early age and coincidence).  Conrad attributes his longevity to nothing more than pure luck, clean thoughts and a half-pint of his own urine every morning.

This Gang Has A Bright Future.

Danny Cooksey/Sam McKinney:  Whether Danny Cooksey is subject to the curse is a matter of some controversy among Diff’rent Strokes academicians, as the delightful, country-singing moppet only appeared in three seasons after Coleman’s cuteness began rapidly to wane.  However, considering  that those three seasons comprised the show’s pitiful last gasp and that Cooksey was at least partly to blame for the show’s demise, as the introduction of his character marked the veteran show’s “jump the shark” moment, many feel that Cooksey’s continuing existence is an affront to God Almighty.  Since then, the sassy ginger is best remembered for being shoved into a video game by Bad Terminator in Terminator 2.

Danny Cooksey And His Awesome Band ‘Bad4Good.’ Or As We Like To Call Them, Tötyl Hömö.

Housekeepers:  Likewise, the show’s three regular housekeepers, perhaps because none served more than four seasons, also appear to be free of the curse’s effects.

Charlotte Rae, who appeared through the first season as Mrs. Garrett, was miraculously allowed to escape via spinoff.

Nedra Volz, who played the antiquated Adelaide Brubaker, lasted a few seasons.  Her career never suffered, and she died in 2003, well into her ninth decade.

Mary Jo Catlett was the last actress to play housekeeper to the Drummonds.  Like Sam McKinney, her tenure included the series’ sputtering demise.  However, as she was replacing an existing supporting character while McKinney was a new and unpleasant major character, the comparison is not valid.  Catlett has enjoyed a steady, if unremarkable career.

“Killing Willis?” That’s A Bit Extreme. We’d Just Like To Kick Him In The Nuts A Few Times.

THE CURSE IN REVERSE!

Melanie Watson/Kathy Gordon: Melanie Watson is best remembered for portraying the wheelchair-bound Kathy in several episodes.  In one notable appearance, Kathy denies that she is handicapped, and insists instead, “I’m handi-CAPABLE, turkey!”  Melanie, who suffers from a condition called osteogenesis imperfecta, seems to have carved out a nice life for herself, even starting a company to train helper dogs.

So They’re Not ALL Losers, Turkey!

It would appear that the Diff’rent Strokes Curse has run its course.  There will be those desperate few who hold out hope that the curse continue, perhaps branching out to claim performers with a more tenuous tie to the series than had “the big three.”  But wishing fervently for a thing will not make it come to pass.  The grim specter of death has lifted its pitiless hand from those involved with Diff’rent Strokes, and we will have to learn to live with it.

What Might Have Been: So Many Missed Opportunities, Gary. So Many Missed Opportunities.

Everybody’s got a special kind of story/Everybody finds a way to shine,/It don’t matter that you got not a lot/So what?/They’ll have theirs, you’ll have yours and I’ll have mine/And together we’ll be fine.

Historical Figures With Unfortunate Nicknames: Deep Throat

18 Friday Mar 2011

Posted by Smaktakula in History, News, Politics

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

Backdoor Intruder, Bob Woodward, Carl Bernstein, Deep Throat, FBI, Federal Bureau of Investigation, G-Men, History, How much does Carl Bernstein hate Bob Woodward? Lots., illegal wiretaps, Mark Felt, meal ticket, porno movies, snitches, terrorists, Throbby Johnson, unfortunate nicknames, unrepentant, Washington Post, Watergate, Weather Underground

By Smaktakula

G-Man Mark Felt had an eventful career, rising to become deputy director of the FBI, and until recently was best known for illegally wiretapping the Weather Underground, which caused the case against the unrepentant terrorists to be dismissed.  But Felt’s most significant contribution to history, which would have gone unknown until is 2008 death if his children hadn’t wanted to cash in on it, was as Watergate whistleblower Deep Throat.

Was Hoping For A Less Suggestive Nickname, Perhaps "Backdoor Intruder" Or "Throbby Johnson."

So far it doesn’t appear to be the cash cow the younger Felts had hoped.  It turns out that, even if they approve of the action, nobody likes a snitch.

LiLo Blowing Chance To Portray Infamous Cinematic Fellatrix

22 Wednesday Sep 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Celebrity, Cinema, Crime, Stupidity

≈ 5 Comments

Tags

arrests, BJs, blow jobs, celebrity skin, childish sexual innuendo, Chris Hanley, cocaine, Deep Throat, Dimeatapp, drugs, Emil Haagerdäddi, fellatio, fellatrix, Fifteen Minutes of Fame, Flower of American Skankhood, former child stars, Inferno, LEAVE LINDSAY ALONE!!!, LiLo, LiLophiles, Linda Lovelace, Lindsay Lohan, methamphetamine, porno movies, pornography, pr0n, rehab, sausage smuggling, skanks, slobbin' the knob, the coke favored by Clan Lohan is neither a coal by-product nor a cola, untalented stars, Where Are They Now?, you got a real purty mouth

By Smaktakula

Lindsay Lohan’s  escapades have led to a warrant for her arrest, and cast doubt upon the fate of the former child star’s latest comeback vehicle, Inferno.  The warrant comes as a response to the Flower of American Skankhood’s most recent parole violations, testing positive for both cocaine and amphetamines.

A Classy Role For A Classy Lady.

This unwelcome news comes as a surprise to most LiLophiles, are said to have feared Lohan might at most test positive for either cocaine or amphetamines, but not both.

“As a worst case scenario,” says Dr. Emil Haagerdäddi, curator of Branson’s Musee d’Lohan, “I thought perhaps it would be cocaine and Dimeatapp, or amphetamines and nutmeg.  But this?  No one expected this.”

Don't Choke: The Hardest Thing For Lindsay To Swallow Will Be The Huge Load Shooting Will Impose On Her Time. If She Is Wise And Doesn't Take This Opportunity As A Gag, It Will End With Lindsay Being Covered In A Big, Sticky Wad Of Cash.

Initial reports said that the producers of Inferno, a biopic about 70’s porn pioneer Linda Lovelace, were “beyond irritated” at Lohan’s latest arrest.  According to producer Chris Hanley, nothing could be further from the truth. “We do believe that Lindsay’s talent does weigh very heavily in the matter,” Hanley said.

Promethean Times agrees.  Although Lohan’s acting gifts are at best pedestrian, it is difficult to imagine this role being played by any other actress.  Who is better suited than Lindsay Lohan to portray a drug addled and morally bankrupt would-be starlet who peaked too early in life, and would forever after be remembered only for her sausage smuggling skills?

"Hello?!? It's The Role I Was Born To Play!"

mhhmm mmm hhmm!

Pakistanis Flogging The Little Infidel More Than Previously Thought

15 Thursday Jul 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture, General Foolishness, Islam, Middle East, People, Relationships, Scandal

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

aberrant sexual behavior, bestiality, camels, childish sexual innuendo, deviant behavior, donkeys, Google, Pakistan, Pakistani women, peeping cybertoms, porno movies, pornography, sex, sexual repression

According to the peeping cybertoms at Google, there’s more to Pakistan than lawless wastelands ravaged by years upon years of soul-grinding warfare.  Those proud Pashtuns are now able to call themselves the world leader in online searches involving pornographic terms.       

Pakistan is top dog in searches per-person for “horse sex” since 2004, “donkey sex” since 2007, “rape pictures” between 2004 and 2009, “rape sex” since 2004, “child sex” between 2004 and 2007 and since 2009, “animal sex” since 2004 and “dog sex” since 2005, according to Google Trends and Google Insights, features of Google that generate data based on popular search terms.       

The Pakistani Predilection For Perverse Porn Is Puzzling Given The Legendary Beauties Of Pakistan

That aberrant sexual behavior would arise within such a sexually stagnant culture comes as a surprise to some, notably the very stupid.       

That’s No Donkey–That’s My Wife.  And My Donkey: FOXNews.com – No. 1 Nation in Sexy Web Searches? Call it Pornistan.       

Smaktakula

Miley Cyrus Somewhat Delusional About Future Career Prospects

23 Tuesday Mar 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in General Foolishness, Hollywood, Movies, Music, People, Television

≈ 2 Comments

Tags

child stars, former child stars, Hannah Montana, Jodie Foster, Leonardo DiCaprio, Miley Cyrus, porno movies, pornography, pr0n, Ron Jeremy, Spongebob Squarepants, The View, untalented stars

By Smaktakula

Miley Cyrus told the gals on The View that after her new record drops in June, fans shouldn’t expect to hear any more new music from the megastar any time soon.  Cyrus revealed her belief that she belongs on the big screen, clearly overestimating the voting-age public’s demand for her less-than-considerable abilities.     

There is a future for Ms. Cyrus in front of the camera, it just may not be what she’s envisioned.  She may not be ready for the Big Show, but might find a home in a niche industry, what might be labelled independent films in some circles.  In short, Cyrus harbors pie-eyed dreams about DVD grosses when she should be thinking about the hard realities of DVDA.         

Despite her deplorable dearth of talent, Cyrus has a better-than-average shot at consistent roles in clothing-optional films: the kind in which a visit from the pizza boy always leads to something exciting; where the words “water sports” are more than a little misleading.         

Miley Cyrus: Much More Likely To Someday Take Home Ron Jeremy Than An Oscar

Ms. Cyrus may be reluctant to arrive at this conclusion.  It’s very possible she feels that she has the requisite stuff to make the precarious transition from child stardom to adult roles, following in the footsteps such luminaries as Jodie Foster, Leonardo DiCaprio and Spongebob Squarepants.  Tragically, Ms. Cyrus lacks the fundamental traits which individually allowed Foster, DiCaprio and Squarepants to make the leap (respectively, these three traits are talent, talent and being an imaginary character who doesn’t age).         

Promethean Times wishes Ms. Cyrus the very best of luck in her future career, and eagerly anticipate seeing her full body of work in the no-doubt-forthcoming hotel spank film, Hannah Implanta: Red Carpet Burns.         

Boom-Boom-Chicka-Wah-Wah-Boom-Boom

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