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Tag Archives: Milton Bradley

Milton Bradley: An Even Bigger Douche Off The Field

03 Monday Oct 2011

Posted by Smaktakula in Celebrity, Crime, News, Sport

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

Baseball, crazy people, death by Milton Bradley, douchebaggery, Major League Baseball, Milton Bradley, Milton Bradley is batshit crazy, Seattle Mariners, unfortunately-named celebrities, Why am I so crazy?

By Smaktakula

Still Crazy, Just Not Doing It Professionally Any More.

Just a few weeks ago, it seemed that troubled former Major Leaguer Milton Bradley, out of baseball now for several months, would retire to a life of quiet anonymity completely removed from his lightning-rod professional career.  But you’ve got to hand it to the troubled former athlete–lacking fans, teammates or umpires to serve as outlets for his all-consuming flashpoint rage, the man still manages to make do.  This time the victim was his wife.

A year-and-a-half ago, before the 2010 Major League Baseball season, Promethean Times optimistically opined on Bradley’s ability to act like an adult with new team, the Seattle Mariners.  Seattle would soon prove to be the last of Bradley’s eight teams in his twelve-year MLB career.

Since His Exit From The MLB, Bradley Has Been Forced To Lower His Expectations.

Toward the end, Bradley made belated efforts to right his rapidly sinking ship.  Not long into the 2010 season Bradley requested–and was granted–a medical leave of absence from the Mariners while he dealt with his craziness.  Although Bradley’s behavior proved not to be a tremendous distraction for the Mariners, his anemic hitting was, and he was released not long into the 2011 season.

Now it seems that the hyperactive has-been is trying to improve his lifetime average of .271 at home.  His wife reportedly called the police after fleeing the house, alleging that Bradley was attacking her with a baseball bat, swinging wildly.*  Sources close to Bradley expressed disappointment, saying that the ball-player’s swing shows a real lack of patience and plate discipline.

Say What You Will About Their Product, But The Parker Brothers Always Treated Their Ladies With Respect.

* It makes you wonder what Bradley was doing with a baseball bat now that he’s no longer playing professional ball.  It’s not like Smaktakula keeps his old Arby’s uniform around for a rainy day. ∞T.

Not What You Were Looking For?

07 Wednesday Jul 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Cinema, Crime, Critters, Culture, Drug Culture, General Foolishness, Hollywood, Humor, Movies, People, Race, Relationships, Television, Terrorism, World Affairs

≈ 3 Comments

Tags

asshat, backwater shithole, Baseball, brilliant dirty weirdos, Bush 41, Charlie Estevez, Charlie Sheen, Charlie Sheen is a drugged-out wifebeater, Charlie Sheen Will Never Escape The Brat Pack's Terrible Event Horizon, choking game, comical despots, Confucius, cooze, crazy bastard, Dear Leader, Dr. Grigori Perelman, dwarf, Gary Coleman, George Bush Sr., George Herbert Walker Bush, hemp, herpes, hippies, huffing, India, Jackpot, K2, Kim Jong-il, lactating, lesbians, LiLo, Lindsay Lohan, marijuana, midget, Milton Bradley, Milton Bradley is batshit crazy, Morris the Cat, Nevada, not what you were looking for?, pot, reefer, Shannon Price, small black actor, sniper, Somali pirates, sweet sweet cheeba, Thinksquad, Wal-Mart, Wal-Mart is evil, weed, Wikipedia, your mother must be very proud, Zen koan

By Smaktakula

We would like to believe that of the nearly 800,000 hits* Promethean Times receives daily, each is a reader who set out specifically to find us.  Of course, this is sometimes not the case.

Here are some of the keywords (noted by boldface) used by folks whom we suspect–and in one or two cases, hope–found us by accident.

small black actor died We can do that.

gary coleman death pictures He was a beautiful human being, and now he’s gone.  What the hell is wrong with you people?

lindsay lohan child pics We’re hoping you mean stills from her films.  We can help you here and here.  But if that’s not what you mean, maybe this is more your speed, Creepo.

Morris the Cat baseball We couldn’t help this guy out, but we’re just glad somebody read Smaktakula’s piece on Morris.

K2 We can do that.

huffing And that.

choking game That too.

somali pirates We can do that.

freshy somalis Um.

backwater shithole We can do that.

proud herpes There’s a proud kind?  Damn.  Smaktakula  kinda wishes he hadn’t rushed out and bought the shameful kind.

difference between a midget and a dwarf You got us.  Try Wikipedia, Asshat.

bush pukes on japanese We can do that.

lesbian lactating Ew.  We don’t do that.  Please return to the fetid basement apartment from which you came.

kim jong il sad Try Thinksquad.  Those crazy bastards are fucking with the Dear Leader as we speak.

dirty russian Hmm.  Hope you were looking for our pal, Grigori.

shannon price evil And a cooze!

pictures mexican children No, however we are in possession of some awesome nude shots of your mom.  Inquire for purchase.

what are the pathos at walmart Damn, Confucius, we could meditate on that Zen koan for years.  In the meantime, try this.

fuck off marijuana Indeed. And take the hippies with you!

charlie sheen first amendment It’s true that Mr. Sheen is a first-rate legal scholar, but we examine other aspects of the Sheen Mystique here and here.

is milton bradley crazy Yes, he is.

giant playground-mcdonalds Were we able to help you?

indian sniper We can do that.

man fuck a horse Your mother must be very proud.

*Note: This figure may not correspond with reality.

Milton Bradley Is Batshit Crazy

17 Monday May 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Baseball, Games, General Foolishness, Health, People, Relationships, Sports

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

anger management, Baseball, batshit crazy, booby hatch, I Kill You!, Milton Bradley, nutty as a fruitcake, personal issues, Seattle Mariners, unfortunately-named celebrities

Milton Bradley has asked for some time off from the Seattle Mariners to focus on his personal issues.

Sometimes You Feel Like A Nut . . .

Get well soon, Dear Friend.

Promethean Times Heartily Regrets Giving Milton Bradley The Benefit Of The Doubt

12 Monday Apr 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Baseball, General Foolishness, People, Sports, Television

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

asshat, douchebaggery, flip off, flip the bird, middle finger, Milton Bradley, rude gesture, Seattle Mariners, Texas Fans, Texas Rangers, the Ballpark at Arlington, vulgar gesture

By Smaktakula
Seattle’s Milton Bradley gives the finger to Texas fans.
 
Who’s dumb enough to believe that an asshat like Milton Bradley could or would comport himself in a manner befitting a professional athlete?
 
Promethean Times, that’s who!
 
Thanks for making us look stupid, Milt.

I Am An Unrepentant Asshat

Yeah–Fuck you, too.

2010 Seattle Mariners Commercials

22 Monday Mar 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Baseball, Commercials, Sports, Television

≈ 1 Comment

Tags

2010 Seattle Mariners commercials, Baseball, Cliff Lee, Ichiro, Ichiro Suzuki, Ken Griffey Jr., love that dare not speak its name, Milton Bradley, Seattle Mariners

Despite how it may appear, Ken Griffey Jr. and Ichiro Suzuki are not expressing the love which dare not speak its name–at least not explicitly.  This is just one of several amusing 2010 Seattle Mariners commercials (with bloopers):

For a while now the Seattle Mariners have been producing excellent commercials featuring both high production values and also a folksy, small-market vibe.

This year’s offerings include Cliff Lee as “The Man With Two First Names,” “The Bullpen Abomination” and “Griffey Chats With Ichiro.” 

If at least a few things go right for Seattle in 2010 (hopefully the news that peevish outfielder Milton Bradley has already been tossed twice in the preseason is not an omen of rough seas ahead), the Mariners look like they might be ready to challenge to challenge in the AL West.  With a little luck, the team’s commercials may not be the highlight of the 2010 season.

Smaktakula

Milton Bradley’s 2010 Tune: It Ain’t Me, Babe

07 Sunday Mar 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Baseball, People, Sports

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

Chicago Cubs, clubhouse cancer, clubhouse poison, Major League Baseball, Milton Bradley, MLB, Seattle Mariners, Seattle PI, Spring Training

Several days ago Promethean Times opined optimistically on Milton Bradley’s coming year in Seattle.  While it’s still too early for hand-wringing, Bradley’s seeming inability to take any responsibility for the toxic situation in Chicago (and presumably San Diego, Los Angeles and Cleveland before that) is troubling.

Read In The Seattle PI About Milton Not Manning Up: Bradley: Blame Chicago for struggles, not me.

Smaktakula

Can The Pacific Northwest Cool Bradley?

25 Thursday Feb 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Baseball, People, Sports

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

Brett Tomko, Carlos Silva, Chicago Cubs, Ken Griffey Jr., Los Angeles Dodgers, Lou Piniella, Major League Baseball, Mike Sweeney, Milton Bradley, MLB, Pacific Northwest, San Diego Padres, Seattle Mariners

By Smaktakula

Sir, I Beg To Differ

The unfortunately named and often irascible Milton Bradley is a Seattle Mariner, coming over from the Chicago Cubs in an offseason trade for the underperforming Carlos Silva.  This trade has a tremendous upside for both clubs, and for both players.  The Mariners and Cubs have each shed a player who had become a cancer on the clubhouse, as in Bradley’s case, or an overpaid bust like Silva.  For both players, the switch to a new team means a fresh start.    

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