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Category Archives: Sports

Manny Ramirez Now Chicago’s Problem

31 Tuesday Aug 2010

Posted by in Baseball, Culture, Games, National Events, People, Sports

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By Smaktakula

The Chicago White Sox claimed Manny Ramirez on Monday off waivers from the Los Angeles Dodgers.

The White Sox hope that the rapidly aging abuser of female fertility hormones will be able to deliver enough with his bat to make the difference in their increasingly desperate battle with the Minnesota Twins for first place in the American League Central.

The moment is bittersweet for the Dodgers, bringing to close a sometimes-exciting, sometimes-frustrating era of dreadlocked douchebaggery.  Sadly for the Dodgers and their fans, unreliable space-waster George Sherrill still remains.

Ramirez Explains That Gobbling Human Choronic Gonadotropin Gave Him "Really Huge Knockers."

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Douche Honored In Only Place That Will Have Him

26 Thursday Aug 2010

Posted by in Baseball, Culture, Games, General Foolishness, People, Places, Sports

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By Smaktakula

Selig, The Man Responsible For Bringing Baseball Back To Milwaukee, Stands Between The Comedian (The Watchmen) And Braves Legend Hank Aaron (Who Hit .232 For The Brewers Over Parts Of Two Seasons).

Bud Selig, the Commissioner of Major League Baseball and former owner of baseball’s vestigial Milwaukee Brewers, is immortalized in bronze outside of Miller Park.  Observers called this a testament to Milwaukee’s desperation for recognition beyond alcohol-related infamy.         

Selig’s is the second high-profile statue to be erected in Milwaukee in the last three years, a renaissance for the Midwestern City.  The other piece of statuary is a likeness of fictional former cultural icon Arthur Fonzarelli.  Milwaukee’s greatest heroes finally have what they deserve.         

"Aaaaaaaay! So Who The Hell Are Robin Yount And Paul Molitor, Anyway? Aaaaaaaay!"

Something’s Cooking In The World Of Competitive Sauna

10 Tuesday Aug 2010

Posted by in Culture, Duh, Europe, Games, General Foolishness, Health, Sports

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By Smaktakula

The sporting world is still aboil about the news dispatches steaming out of Finland reporting the tragic death of Russian quasi-athlete Vladimir Ladyzhensky.  Ladyzhensky, along with his Finnish opponent Timo Kaukonen, collapsed during the annual World Sauna Championships in Finland.  Both men suffered severe burns and were admitted to the hospital, where Ladyzhensky later died.                             

It May Look Easy, Kids--But If You Want To Make It To The Big Leagues You've Got To Say Your Prayers, Eat Your Vitamins And Practice, Practice, Practice!

Thanks in large part to recent media coverage, a new generation of fans is coming to appreciate this exciting and fast-growing ‘sport.’  The roots of competitive sauna reach far back into Finland’s history; hanging around in a hot, steamy room with other dudes has long been a favored pastime.  The ghastly exercise in masochism has been a professional sport in Finland since 1999.                             

Although most Finns readily welcome the dizzying globalization of their sport, they remain fiercely proud of its Finnish origins.  This pride has manifested itself in a variety of ways, including the recent creation of a Finnish Bureau of Tourism.  The Bureau’s first act as a body was to devise the popular slogan: Finland–A Little More Than Just Reindeer!                          

When It Was A Game: Florida Prison Farm Inmates Played Not For Money, But For The Love Of Competitive Sauna.

Ladyzhensky’s shocking death can’t help but cast a pall over professional sauna.  Inwardly, everyone connected with the sport is no doubt plagued by the same internal question: Could we have done something to prevent this?                             

Sadly, the answer is No.  Self-recrimination is a part of human nature, and while some soul-searching is probably inevitable, it comes to little in the end.  Although this terrible event will no doubt be parsed and dissected by historians for generations to come, the exact cause of this tragedy will never truly be known.  That athletes die sometimes with no apparent cause is perhaps the cruelest lesson that sports can teach us.                          

"What The Fuck Is Wrong With You People? Damn."

Vladimir Ladyzhensky may have left competitive sauna, but the rare Russian will forever be seared into the collective consciousness of the game he loved.   His fellow competitors will no doubt shed a collective tear* in his memory as they take that first barefoot step into the searing death-oven that is the symbol of this much-beloved pseudosport.  Ladyzhensky wouldn’t have wanted it any other way.                             

*This is intended for figurative purposes only.  When one’s profession involves killing time in a 230° hot box, remaining well-hydrated is the surest strategy to victory, and may help to stave off death for a few precious seconds.

Not What You Were Looking For? Episode Three: The Search For Cock

09 Monday Aug 2010

Posted by in Baseball, Crime, Critters, Culture, Drug Culture, General Foolishness, Music, People, Race, Sports, World Affairs

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By Smaktakula

Presenting the third installment in our wildly popular series: Not What You Were Looking For?  In which we list some of the search engine terms (indicated in bold) by which you found us, and for which you should rightly be ashamed. 

You might also enjoy Still Not What You Were Looking For?  Conversely, you might really dislike it.  It’s not for us to decide.

promeethean times  And wee’re off!

cock riders  The preferred term is Weekend Motorcycle Club.

unemployment lazy   Yeah, folks weren’t too crazy about that one.

skankist  You’ll want to keep your eye out for our upcoming multi-part expose on skankism, ‘Skanks In The Crosshairs,” appearing some time in the next few weeks.  In the meantime, please enjoy.

sexy dick in mouth non  Oui!

obama rethinking marijuana  Will he rethink that rap video?

be glad you’re not that guy   Oh, we are.

sexy man spaghetti  Um.

anti george sherrill  You’ll find a home here, friend.

jay bush bean prison  If he’s not on the lookout for canine chicanery, Jay Bush might very well end his days in a Mexican jail.  And for Duke, the glue factory.

athretes  Their parents taste rearry, rearry good.

michael lohan cock  Isn’t he though?

fred phelps secret  The secret is that he’s a raging homo.

fat people running  Hmm, there’s something about this . . .

children running of the bulls spain   . . . and this, that gives Smaktakula hope that with some creative thinking, America might someday lick its little obesity problem. 

donkey cock   Are we naive to believe that you’re an early Eighties video game enthusiast with comically poor spelling?

walt stoelting blog  Sorry, Comrade–You’re thinking of Walt’s blog, Ruminations of a Junkie for Politics, or as we call it around here, Confessions of an America-Hating Man-Jezebel.

wyclef jean val jean bernard aristide  Oh, very clever.  We see what you did, combining future and former Haitian presidents Wyclef Jean and Jean Bernard Aristide with Jean Valjean, the doomed protagonist of Victor Hugo’s 19th Century French masterpiece, Les Miserables.  Actually, that is pretty clever.  And pointless.

pauly shore weed  It would explain a lot.

safe horse fuck movies  We know what all four of those words mean, but they don’t seem to work as a quartet.

miley cyrus delusional  Totally.

abigail folger  Isn’t she the young lady Tiger banged as an undergraduate at Stanford?

olive garden people   They’re not people.  THE FOOD IS PEOPLE! Oh, wait–no, sorry; the food is crap.  We were thinking of Soylent Green.

the violence and madness of arab muslim  Sounds like you’ve got your title all picked out.  We can’t help you.

nurses with dreadlocks Uh huh.  Good . . . very good.  Okay, now tell us what they’re wearing.  TELL US WHAT THEY’RE WEARING!

beautiful dreadlock guy  He’s not blond, we can tell you that much.

pakistani penis  Unfortunately, we’re out of that particular link.  How about some Turkish Tool?  No?  Mauritanian Meat-Sword?

elderly remote  Old people should not be allowed to handle the remote. 

penis in bosses mouth   Shh. Hush now, Boss.  Smaktakula isn’t paying you to talk.

dirty mullet  Is there any other kind?

happy thoughts  Happy to oblige! 

drugged raver  Fish in a barrel, man.  Fish in a barrel.

lorena bobbit and bull penis  We’re unclear as to what you hoped to find.  No, that’s quite all right–we don’t need to understand.

live aid  Damn it, Freddie Mercury, we hope you die! . . .What?  He did?  How? . . . Oh . . . Oh God, no. Why doesn’t anybody tell us about these things?  We’re so, so sorry.

asshole hairstyles   So do you mean . . .?  No, we’re sure you mean hairstyles that make you look like an asshole.  Pretty sure.

k2 inhalants  Thanks to Chinese technological know-how and the can-do spirit of the sweatshop, stoners now have a legal chemical alternative by which to get their fix.

black man cock  Really?  In 2010?  Promethean Times doesn’t judge a man by the color of his penis.  We do judge by length and thickness, however.  You have been warned.

vagina  Okay, this one’s a fake.   It’s just that all the Promethean penii make Smaktakula a tad insecure, and he wants to assure you he is such a virile He-Man that the all the pipes on his vast estate flow not with water, but rather with hot and cold running chicks.

Promethean Times thanks you, the lonely Internet phallophiliac, for making us America’s fastest-growing CockBlog!

Facebook Probably Isn’t Looking For Us Either. But Screw Them. Do You Sheeple Always Do What You’re Told?

A-Rod Becomes Only Second Douche To Reach 600 Home Runs

04 Wednesday Aug 2010

Posted by in Baseball, Crime, Culture, Games, General Foolishness, History, National Events, People, Sports

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By Smaktakula

A-Rod trails legendary cocksucker Barry Bonds on the all-time MLB list for home runs hit by a douche.  

La Ducha Grande

Still Not What You Were Looking For?

30 Friday Jul 2010

Posted by in Art, Baseball, Cinema, Culture, Drug Culture, Drugs, Duh, General Foolishness, History, Hollywood, Humor, International Relations, National Politics, People, Places, Political Correctness, Sports, Television, World Affairs

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By Smaktakula

In which we once again present some of the various search-engine keywords used to find Promethean Times. Some, we suspect, were not on purpose.  See our first installment here: Not What You Were Looking For?.

live aid Geez, you put up one stupid Live Aid post, and suddenly you’ve got idiots knocking down your door for the rest of time.  Is Freddie Mercury really that beloved?  Thank you so much, Mike Meyers.  You too, Carvey.

humboldt promethean society Not sure if we can help you.  The Prometheus Society is club for freaks too smart for Mensa.  Smaktakula takes a dim view of organizations whose rigorous standards preclude his admission.  While there may in fact be many such individuals living in isolated cabins deep within the remote wilderness of Humboldt, these reclusive geniuses are no doubt so removed from society at large that they’re unlikely to turn up on an internet search.  Fortunately, anyone that smart knows to stay away from the demon weed, the great bane of the Humboldt.

narco children Frances Bean Cobain just wants to live a normal life.  Please try to respect that.

redman fraternal organization Right here.  Whites only, please.

criticism should 1549 “Sullenberger” We will tolerate no criticism of the heroic Captain Sullenberger.  The birds sent you, didn’t they?

wind up monkey Clang!  Clang!

underage boys blog We can’t help you, but thanks for checking.  Please remember to remain at least 500 feet from schools and city parks at all times.

america soccer ambivalence Happy to oblige.

bad mullet Is there any other kind?

when mullets attack We’re listening.

hell of a mullet Hell yeah!

skanky ho lindsay lohan Isn’t she, though?

raves should be illegal and banned Big Dittos, Rush!

old rainier brewery rave  Smaktakula may have attended one of these.  As a narc, of course.

will marijuana be legal in 2010 Not if Promethean Times has anything to say about it, Hippie!

ramtha volcanic eruption  We’ve got it.

ramtha marijuana Interesting.  Tell us more.

bush brothers & co new product New?  Treachery is as old as time itself.

passionate people and constructive crit Tell it to your diary, Nancy.

bull rider die And how!

waco massacre Dammit, Janet!

driving courtesy tips THANK YOU.

george sherrill beard—Yeah, we hate it too.

jesse sherrill senior rape trial 2010 You’re thinking of Jessie Sherrill, an accused rapist from Christian County, Kentucky.  We’ve got George Sherrill, whose late-inning incompetence doesn’t look half as bad when juxtaposed with a rapist.

kim jong il in united states Supposedly he’s in the United States secretly to buy DVDs and to fight female rapper ‘Lil Kim to the death over the use of the diminutive.  It is imperative that the United States Government not allow Kim to purchase those DVDs.

garfield the cat pitchman Fuck his fat lasagna-craving ass.  Promethean Times has never apologized for our Morrisist leanings and we never will.  Fuck Nermal and Odie, too.

haimster, 1971-2010 It still hurts.

pakastani home mad porn movies Ah!  A connoisseur!

irene folstrom Isn’t she the coffee heiress that the Manson kids chopped up?

mister wal mart He got laid off.

racism or cults in yelm wa Yelm really does offer a little something for everyone.

obama surprised Say Whaaaaaaaat?

sexy man cock Fred, just stop.  While we must admit we were initially flattered by your attention, your persistence has become a real turn-off.  The answer is no.

billie joe armstrong’s penis We hear it’s tiny.  Tommy Lee’s joint, however–now, that’s a penis.

johnston’s procedure penis A procedure to remedy “Torsion of the penis” which sounds pretty awful, and makes Smaktakula a bit of a dick for including it here.

north korean prison food Don’t be foolish.  There hasn’t been food in North Korea for years.

john bobbit penis + picture It’s in your bathroom above the sink.  Try looking at eye level.

have proven have proved Look, Smaktakula’s grammar is pretty goddamn good, but everybody makes mistakes.  You think this is easy?  You think it’s just talking like an Oxford ponce and liberally peppering the whole thing with vulgarities?  Okay, so maybe it is–but let’s see you try it, cock-knocker.  But then, we have an unfortunate tendency to over-analyze.

iran haircut policy Surprisingly progressive.

promethean lawsuit Uh oh.

Facebook Is Looking For Promethean Times As We Speak. Share This!

Update: George Sherrill

22 Thursday Jul 2010

Posted by in Baseball, Crime, Culture, Games, General Foolishness, People, Sports, Television

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By Smaktakula

No change, folks–still a douche.      

By Blowing Two Games On Three Pitches, George Demonstrates His Rare Mastery Of Hyper-Efficient Incompetence.

Profiles In Suckery: ERA 7.48  IP 21.2  ER 18  BB 17  SO 12  BLSV 3*      

The difference between George Sherrill and a Little League second-stringer?  That shitty beard.    

We’ll keep you posted.     

* In baseball parlance, these statistics indicate Mr. Sherrill is in the midst of a particularly awful season.

The Bull Doesn’t Always Lose

21 Wednesday Jul 2010

Posted by in Crime, Critters, Culture, Games, General Foolishness, Justice, National Events, Sports

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By Smaktakula

Although much has been made of the danger posed by birds, sharks and aquatic mammals, humans have long been tolerant, and even affectionate toward bovines.  Regarded as likable, if stupid creatures throughout the world, and revered in places like India, the bovine family is accorded a respect second only to that given to canines.

Never Trust A Smiling Bull.

A recent incident in British Columbia may put bovines’ most-favored-species status in jeopardy.  Last week an eighteen-year-old bull rider, Makwala Derrickson Hall, was struck in the side by a bull during an event.  Derrickson Hall died before medical help reached him.

There are many theories that seek to explain why the bull went rogue.  An early theory, quickly discarded, imagined the incident as an unfortunate accident, adding that when dealing with wild animals, occasionally something terrible will happen.

Most experts consider this explanation childishly simple at best, and at its worst, dangerously naive.  Professor Emil Haagerdäddi, chairman of South-Central Montana Community College’s Department of Rodeo Studies, believes that the bull didn’t recognize the rider as a professional.  Says Haagerdäddi:

“Derrickson Hall had two disadvantages going into this contest, neither of which was his fault.  The first, obviously, was his Canadian citizenship.  I don’t know how many times I’ll have to say this: Canadians have no place in rodeo.”

When asked how Canadians will react to his statement, the professor sighs, “Oh, there’ll be a burning maple leaf on my lawn tonight.  It won’t be the first time.”

“Derrickson Hall’s second and more pronounced disadvantage,” the professor continues, “Is his unusual last name.  He’s got one too many.  In rodeo having two first names is so common place as to be de rigueur.  I can’t tell you how many Jesse Lees and Billy Joes have strapped on the spurs, but not too many Derrickson Halls.  And Makwala?  Well, you just can’t expect the bull to respect that, now can you?”

There are a great many others, however, who feel that this is more than one rogue bull trying to make his bones.  One organization which believes this way is NO BULL, a pro-humanist charity.  NO BULL’s spokesperson pointed to the alarming rise in goring, both among matadors in the bullring as well as idiots who participate in Spain’s famed running of the bulls.  “We feel that these recent events are not accidental, and that they are being directed by an unseen hoof.”

This Kill-Crazy Beast Ate Its Way Through Three Riders And Nine Rodeo Clowns Before It Was Finally Brought Down.

It’s too early to tell if bovine-on-human violence is a growing trend or merely a series of unfortunate coincidences.  Until we know for sure, it’s all eyes on the cows.

America’s Eliminated World Cup Squad Returns To An Indifferent Nation

29 Tuesday Jun 2010

Posted by in Games, Soccer, Sports, Television

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By Smaktakula

What Have You Done For Me Lately?

The plucky young men of America’s national soccer team are expected to arrive home sometime within the next few days.  Although they were eliminated by soccer upstart Ghana in a 2-1 overtime loss, they will be remem . . .

Before I forget, though–did I tell you who I found out was still alive?  Abe Vigoda.

Yeah, I totally thought that, too, but no, he’s alive. 

Yeah, it is wild. 

What was I talking about?

Oh yeah–soccer’s done.