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Tag Archives: MLB

Frank McCourt: The Omegadouche

07 Thursday Jul 2011

Posted by Smaktakula in Celebrity, News, Sport

≈ 1 Comment

Tags

Baseball, Brooklyn Dodgers, Canadians don't play baseball, carpetbaggers, Delino DeShields, douchebaggery, Frank McCourt, Los Angeles Dodgers, MLB, Montreal Expos, Omegadouche, Pedro Martinez, short people, short people are plain evil!, Smaktakula's distrust of short people, worst trade ever

By Smaktakula

110% Evil.

Carpetbagging Bostonian Frank McCourt likes to live large.  Despite his complete lack of merit or any trace of human decency, the most recent owner of the Los Angeles Dodgers has managed to achieve superlativeness in at least one regard: very few individuals in the long and storied history of sporting douchebaggery have managed in such a short time to equal his astounding advancements in the field.

The improvident runt has brought financial ruin upon the Dodgers, universally regarded as the greatest franchise in the history of baseball, and perhaps in all of sport.  Making matters worse, his actions have almost certainly precipitated the team’s takeover by Major League Baseball, casting a century-old Los Angeles tradition* into the same Losers’ Club as the likes of the Montreal Expos.

To Better Understand The Comparison, Imagine That Your Bottled Water Was Secretly Replaced With Berry-Flavored Goat Piss.

Already ignominiously linked to the now-defunct Expos through one of the worst trades in franchise history, which occurred before McCourt’s  arrival on the scene, the Dodgers have now replaced them as the MLB’s poor relation.  For that, among so many heinous crimes, Frank McCourt is truly Lord of the Douches.

Delino DeShields Ended Up Being Pretty Good Too.

* Our readers are no doubt familiar with the revisionist historical claims of the so-called ‘Brooklyn School.’  That these spurious allegations are commonly accepted is bad enough; we will not dignify them further here.  ∞ T.

Manny Ramirez Now Chicago’s Problem

31 Tuesday Aug 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Baseball, Culture, Games, National Events, People, Sports

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

American League, anabolic steroids, Baseball, baseball trades, cheaters, Chicago White Sox, cleared waivers, female fertility hormones, good riddance, human choronic gonadotrophin, Los Angeles Dodgers, Major League Baseball, Manny Ramirez, Minnesota Twins, MLB, National League, really huge knockers

By Smaktakula

The Chicago White Sox claimed Manny Ramirez on Monday off waivers from the Los Angeles Dodgers.

The White Sox hope that the rapidly aging abuser of female fertility hormones will be able to deliver enough with his bat to make the difference in their increasingly desperate battle with the Minnesota Twins for first place in the American League Central.

The moment is bittersweet for the Dodgers, bringing to close a sometimes-exciting, sometimes-frustrating era of dreadlocked douchebaggery.  Sadly for the Dodgers and their fans, unreliable space-waster George Sherrill still remains.

Ramirez Explains That Gobbling Human Choronic Gonadotropin Gave Him "Really Huge Knockers."

Douche Honored In Only Place That Will Have Him

26 Thursday Aug 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Baseball, Culture, Games, General Foolishness, People, Places, Sports

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

Aaaaaaaaay!, Allan Huber Selig, Arthur Fonzarelli, Atlanta Braves, Baseball, Bud Selig, Commissioner of Major League Baseball, Fonzie, Hank Aaaron, Major League Baseball, Miller Park, Milwaukee Braves, Milwaukee Brewers, MLB, Paul Molitor, Robin Yount, statue, the Comedian, the Fonz, the Watchmen

By Smaktakula

Selig, The Man Responsible For Bringing Baseball Back To Milwaukee, Stands Between The Comedian (The Watchmen) And Braves Legend Hank Aaron (Who Hit .232 For The Brewers Over Parts Of Two Seasons).

Bud Selig, the Commissioner of Major League Baseball and former owner of baseball’s vestigial Milwaukee Brewers, is immortalized in bronze outside of Miller Park.  Observers called this a testament to Milwaukee’s desperation for recognition beyond alcohol-related infamy.         

Selig’s is the second high-profile statue to be erected in Milwaukee in the last three years, a renaissance for the Midwestern City.  The other piece of statuary is a likeness of fictional former cultural icon Arthur Fonzarelli.  Milwaukee’s greatest heroes finally have what they deserve.         

"Aaaaaaaay! So Who The Hell Are Robin Yount And Paul Molitor, Anyway? Aaaaaaaay!"

Pissing Away Money Is The New National Pastime

16 Friday Apr 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Baseball, Constitutional Issues, Culture, Drugs, General Foolishness, Health, National Events, Political Correctness, Politics, Sports, Television

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

Barack Obama, Barry Bonds, Barry Obama, chaw, chewing tobacco, congress, dip, douchebaggery, government waste, grandstanding, Jerry Springer, MLB, National Pastime, pissing away money, profligate spending, Rep. Frank Pallone, smoking Obama, snuff, spit, tobacco

A Douche Against Dip: A Lot Like Jerry Springer, But With Less Dignity

  

Apparently taking to heart the concept of America spending its way out of recession, a NJ congressman is calling for a hearing regarding the use of tobacco Major League Baseball.         

Rep. Frank Pallone (D-N.J.), who helms the energy and commerce health subcommittee, said that the practice provides a poor example to young people who are baseball fans.         

 

The disastrous effect seeing a handful of athletes engage in a disgusting habit might have on America’s impressionable children aside, it’s not clear why the grandstanding representative thinks the government should have any say regarding the use of a legal product by adults.         

Now it might be different if the baseball players drew their salaries from the public dime, like this guy:       

No, I Said Barry BONDS Shouldn't Smoke.

Won’t Somebody Please Think Of The Children!?!: Congressman to hold hearing into baseball and chewing tobacco.

Ron Washington Makes Requisite Cocaine Apology

19 Friday Mar 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Baseball, Culture, Drug Culture, Drugs, General Foolishness, Health, People, Political Correctness, Scandal, Sports

≈ 1 Comment

Tags

A-Rod, Alex Rodgriguez, anabolic steroids, cocaine, George W. Bush, hypocrisy, Jose Canseco, Ken Caminiti, MLB, Ron Washington, Texas Rangers

The Age of the Enforced Apology continues.                    

Texas Rangers Manager Ron Washington apologized for testing positive for cocaine last summer.  Our celebrity-obsessed society dictates that what would be an embarrassing episode for a private citizen, must become an excercise in self-flagellation for anyone who appears on television more than twice a year.  This is not only hypocritical and hurtful, but pointless.           

Our sympathies lie with Mr. Washington.  There is this bit of sticky business, however:                    

Washington said that he used the drug one time and it’s the only time he has used cocaine in his life.                    

Wha?  Who tries coke for the first time at 57 years old?  Really–who does that?  Ron, we’re on your side here, but don’t treat us like we’re idiots.                   

Ron Washington is not the only person associated with the Texas Rangers to have grappled with drug issues:                    

Player 2001-2003: Steroids

Player 1992-1994: Steroids & Probably More

Player 2001: Just About Everything

Owner 1989-1994: Alcohol & Cocaine

See If You Accept Ron’s Apology: Washington apologizes for cocaine use | MLB.com: News.               

 Smaktakula

The Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim

12 Friday Mar 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture, Sport

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

Anaheim, Anaheim Angels, Baseball, California, California Angels, Chavez Ravine, Gayngels, Los Angeles, Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim, Los Angeles Dodgers, Magic Kingdom, Major League Baseball, Mike Scioscia is an apostate!, MLB, Orange County, poseur

By Smaktakula

When someone pretends to be from someplace he’s not, we call him a poseur.

When a professional sports franchise pretends to be from somewhere it’s not, we call it the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim.

LA

Not LA

Big League Stew: Torii Hunter Calls Black Latino Players Imposters

11 Thursday Mar 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Baseball, Culture, General Foolishness, Political Correctness, Race, Sports, Television

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

African-American baseball players, Big League Stew, black baseball players, black Latino, boneheaded, douchebaggery, imposters, Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim, Major League Baseball, MLB, race in baseball, race in sports, race relations, racism, racist, Torri Hunter

Torii Hunter’s comments about race in baseball are not typically this boneheaded.  “Boneheaded” is what we call it when a person of color says something like this.  “Racist” is what we call it when a white person says it.  

While participating in USA Today’s roundtable on the state of baseball, Hunter floated a theory that baseball uses dark-skinned players from countries like the Dominican Republic, Puerto Rico and Venezuela to give an appearance that it has more African-Americans playing the game than it really does. 

But, Hunter says in a controversial money quote, “they’re not us, they’re impostors.” 

No Imposter: Torii Hunter Is A For Reals Black Person

 Analysis of Torii’s Bonehead Moment Here: Torii Hunter believes black Latino players are ‘impostors’ – Big League Stew – MLB Blog – Yahoo! Sports. 

Smaktakula

Milton Bradley’s 2010 Tune: It Ain’t Me, Babe

07 Sunday Mar 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Baseball, People, Sports

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

Chicago Cubs, clubhouse cancer, clubhouse poison, Major League Baseball, Milton Bradley, MLB, Seattle Mariners, Seattle PI, Spring Training

Several days ago Promethean Times opined optimistically on Milton Bradley’s coming year in Seattle.  While it’s still too early for hand-wringing, Bradley’s seeming inability to take any responsibility for the toxic situation in Chicago (and presumably San Diego, Los Angeles and Cleveland before that) is troubling.

Read In The Seattle PI About Milton Not Manning Up: Bradley: Blame Chicago for struggles, not me.

Smaktakula

Can The Pacific Northwest Cool Bradley?

25 Thursday Feb 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Baseball, People, Sports

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

Brett Tomko, Carlos Silva, Chicago Cubs, Ken Griffey Jr., Los Angeles Dodgers, Lou Piniella, Major League Baseball, Mike Sweeney, Milton Bradley, MLB, Pacific Northwest, San Diego Padres, Seattle Mariners

By Smaktakula

Sir, I Beg To Differ

The unfortunately named and often irascible Milton Bradley is a Seattle Mariner, coming over from the Chicago Cubs in an offseason trade for the underperforming Carlos Silva.  This trade has a tremendous upside for both clubs, and for both players.  The Mariners and Cubs have each shed a player who had become a cancer on the clubhouse, as in Bradley’s case, or an overpaid bust like Silva.  For both players, the switch to a new team means a fresh start.    

Continue reading →

From The Economist: Baseball in China: Striking out

15 Monday Feb 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Asia, Baseball, Culture, Sports, World Affairs

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

Brian Cashman, Chairman Mao, China, Economist, MLB, NBA, Randy Levine, Yankees

With baseball being big in other parts of East Asia–Korea, Japan and Taiwan in particular, it wouldn’t take a great leap to assume it was big in China as well.

Not so.  Chairman Mao apparently championed basketball as the worker’s sport.  Baseball was a capitalist machination. 

Read about the attempt to introduce America’s Pastime to the Middle Kingdom: Baseball in China: Striking out | The Economist.

Smaktakula

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