27 Tuesday Sep 2011
Tags
cannot be unseen, celebrity skin, Dancing With The Stars, DTWS, Nancy Grace, nipple slip, NSFW, our eyes!, public nudity, Why am I so stupid?
There's Really Nothing Else To Say, Is There?
02 Tuesday Aug 2011
Tags
celebrity skin, childish sexual innuendo, death by Kathy Bates, death by shark, great white shark, Kathy Bates, Oh god my eyes!, the mysterious depths, you got a real purty mouth
Man is a terrestrial creature, born to walk upon the earth’s surface. Although increasingly humans are taking to the water, there remains something primal and terrifying about the awful things which might lie beneath the water’s surface.
The Devil You Know:
A Hideous, Terrifying, And Gaping Pit Of Unquenchable Rapacity.
The Devil You Don’t:
The Same Thing, Most Likely.
22 Wednesday Sep 2010
Tags
arrests, BJs, blow jobs, celebrity skin, childish sexual innuendo, Chris Hanley, cocaine, Deep Throat, Dimeatapp, drugs, Emil Haagerdäddi, fellatio, fellatrix, Fifteen Minutes of Fame, Flower of American Skankhood, former child stars, Inferno, LEAVE LINDSAY ALONE!!!, LiLo, LiLophiles, Linda Lovelace, Lindsay Lohan, methamphetamine, porno movies, pornography, pr0n, rehab, sausage smuggling, skanks, slobbin' the knob, the coke favored by Clan Lohan is neither a coal by-product nor a cola, untalented stars, Where Are They Now?, you got a real purty mouth
Lindsay Lohan’s escapades have led to a warrant for her arrest, and cast doubt upon the fate of the former child star’s latest comeback vehicle, Inferno. The warrant comes as a response to the Flower of American Skankhood’s most recent parole violations, testing positive for both cocaine and amphetamines.
A Classy Role For A Classy Lady.
This unwelcome news comes as a surprise to most LiLophiles, are said to have feared Lohan might at most test positive for either cocaine or amphetamines, but not both.
“As a worst case scenario,” says Dr. Emil Haagerdäddi, curator of Branson’s Musee d’Lohan, “I thought perhaps it would be cocaine and Dimeatapp, or amphetamines and nutmeg. But this? No one expected this.”
Don't Choke: The Hardest Thing For Lindsay To Swallow Will Be The Huge Load Shooting Will Impose On Her Time. If She Is Wise And Doesn't Take This Opportunity As A Gag, It Will End With Lindsay Being Covered In A Big, Sticky Wad Of Cash.
Initial reports said that the producers of Inferno, a biopic about 70’s porn pioneer Linda Lovelace, were “beyond irritated” at Lohan’s latest arrest. According to producer Chris Hanley, nothing could be further from the truth. “We do believe that Lindsay’s talent does weigh very heavily in the matter,” Hanley said.
Promethean Times agrees. Although Lohan’s acting gifts are at best pedestrian, it is difficult to imagine this role being played by any other actress. Who is better suited than Lindsay Lohan to portray a drug addled and morally bankrupt would-be starlet who peaked too early in life, and would forever after be remembered only for her sausage smuggling skills?
"Hello?!? It's The Role I Was Born To Play!"
30 Friday Jul 2010
Tags
'Lil Kim, Abigail Folger, America's ambivlence toward soccer, Barack Obama, Billie Joe Armstrong, Bush Brothers and Company, celebrity skin, Charles Manson, Chesley Sullenberger, Corey Haim, courtesy tips, cults, Dana Carvey, demon weed, dope, Duke, fauxhawk, Flower of American Skankhood, Frances Bean Cobain, Freddie Mercury, Garfield, George Sherrill, grammar, grass, Haimster, hippies, Improved Order of Red Men, internet pornography, Iran, Irene Folstrom, John Bobbit, Johnston's procedure, Kim Jong-il, lasagna, LiLo, Lindsay Lohan, Live Aid, Makwala Derrickson Hall, Manson Family, marijuana, marijuana legalization, Mensa, Mike Meyers, Morris the Cat, mullets, Nermal, North Korea, not what you were looking for?, Odie, Oxford ponce, Pakistan, penis, pervert, pot, prison food, Prometheus Society, Queen, racism, Ramtha, Randy Johnson, rapists, rave culture, raves, reefer, Reverend Fred Phelps, severed penis, skankery, Sully Sullenberger, sweet sweet cheeba, that shitty beard too!, the Big Unit, tiny penis, Tommy Lee, Tommy Lee's massive tool, treachery, untalented stars, US Airways Flight 1549, volcanic activity, volcanoes, vulgarity is the secret ingredient, Waco, Waco Massacre, Wal-Mart, Washington State, Westboro Baptist Church, Yelm
In which we once again present some of the various search-engine keywords used to find Promethean Times. Some, we suspect, were not on purpose. See our first installment here: Not What You Were Looking For?.
live aid Geez, you put up one stupid Live Aid post, and suddenly you’ve got idiots knocking down your door for the rest of time. Is Freddie Mercury really that beloved? Thank you so much, Mike Meyers. You too, Carvey.
humboldt promethean society Not sure if we can help you. The Prometheus Society is club for freaks too smart for Mensa. Smaktakula takes a dim view of organizations whose rigorous standards preclude his admission. While there may in fact be many such individuals living in isolated cabins deep within the remote wilderness of Humboldt, these reclusive geniuses are no doubt so removed from society at large that they’re unlikely to turn up on an internet search. Fortunately, anyone that smart knows to stay away from the demon weed, the great bane of the Humboldt.
narco children Frances Bean Cobain just wants to live a normal life. Please try to respect that.
redman fraternal organization Right here. Whites only, please.
criticism should 1549 “Sullenberger” We will tolerate no criticism of the heroic Captain Sullenberger. The birds sent you, didn’t they?
underage boys blog We can’t help you, but thanks for checking. Please remember to remain at least 500 feet from schools and city parks at all times.
america soccer ambivalence Happy to oblige.
bad mullet Is there any other kind?
when mullets attack We’re listening.
hell of a mullet Hell yeah!
skanky ho lindsay lohan Isn’t she, though?
raves should be illegal and banned Big Dittos, Rush!
old rainier brewery rave Smaktakula may have attended one of these. As a narc, of course.
will marijuana be legal in 2010 Not if Promethean Times has anything to say about it, Hippie!
ramtha volcanic eruption We’ve got it.
ramtha marijuana Interesting. Tell us more.
bush brothers & co new product New? Treachery is as old as time itself.
passionate people and constructive crit Tell it to your diary, Nancy.
bull rider die And how!
waco massacre Dammit, Janet!
driving courtesy tips THANK YOU.
george sherrill beard—Yeah, we hate it too.
jesse sherrill senior rape trial 2010 You’re thinking of Jessie Sherrill, an accused rapist from Christian County, Kentucky. We’ve got George Sherrill, whose late-inning incompetence doesn’t look half as bad when juxtaposed with a rapist.
kim jong il in united states Supposedly he’s in the United States secretly to buy DVDs and to fight female rapper ‘Lil Kim to the death over the use of the diminutive. It is imperative that the United States Government not allow Kim to purchase those DVDs.
garfield the cat pitchman Fuck his fat lasagna-craving ass. Promethean Times has never apologized for our Morrisist leanings and we never will. Fuck Nermal and Odie, too.
haimster, 1971-2010 It still hurts.
pakastani home mad porn movies Ah! A connoisseur!
irene folstrom Isn’t she the coffee heiress that the Manson kids chopped up?
mister wal mart He got laid off.
racism or cults in yelm wa Yelm really does offer a little something for everyone.
obama surprised Say Whaaaaaaaat?
sexy man cock Fred, just stop. While we must admit we were initially flattered by your attention, your persistence has become a real turn-off. The answer is no.
billie joe armstrong’s penis We hear it’s tiny. Tommy Lee’s joint, however–now, that’s a penis.
johnston’s procedure penis A procedure to remedy “Torsion of the penis” which sounds pretty awful, and makes Smaktakula a bit of a dick for including it here.
north korean prison food Don’t be foolish. There hasn’t been food in North Korea for years.
john bobbit penis + picture It’s in your bathroom above the sink. Try looking at eye level.
have proven have proved Look, Smaktakula’s grammar is pretty goddamn good, but everybody makes mistakes. You think this is easy? You think it’s just talking like an Oxford ponce and liberally peppering the whole thing with vulgarities? Okay, so maybe it is–but let’s see you try it, cock-knocker. But then, we have an unfortunate tendency to over-analyze.
iran haircut policy Surprisingly progressive.
promethean lawsuit Uh oh.
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