Axis of Eww, Blake Lewis, Bono, Britney Spears, business up front, dipwads, douchebaggery, dreadmullet, fauxhawks, Hoxton fin, insipidity, Joseph Lister, mulletards, mulletocracy, mullets, obscure celebrities, party in the back, polio, Smaktakula's troubling insecurity, small pox, The Achy-Breaky, The South, the stupid things white people do to their hair, white people
The mullet and the fauxhawk, two uniquely odious hairstyles which perch like fur gargoyles atop less-discriminating pates throughout the United States and Europe, are not often mentioned in the same breath. The two could not be more dissimilar, and yet they are united in pileous* ignominy. Along with the frizzy perm, which fortunately has grown rare in recent decades, these hideous head sculptures comprise a hairy Axis of Eww.
The mullet is by far the oldest of the three, its origins described in hushed tales of a land in a time long past, where the rivers were said to flow not with water but Corona, and where every spring the methamphetamine trees would bloom.
Briefly in vogue during the 1980s, the mullet has been returned to its ancestral practitioners, typically fringy rednecks or sweaty European soccer stars.
By comparison, the fauxhawk is a new arrival on the fashion scene. Lacking the balls to be a mohawk, but still too douchey for polite company, the fauxhawk is a coward’s hairstyle. The fauxhawk’s relative newness coupled with a lack of media access among the poor and the stupid allows the hairstyle to spread in places ignorant to its deleterious effect upon the community.
Fauxhawk apologists claim this limited acceptance as evidence of the hairstyle’s superiority over the mullet, reckoning it to be the lesser of two evils. As with the medical community’s resistance to Joseph Lister’s insistence on sterile medical equipment, simply because someone is unaware of the fauxhawk’s insipidity does not exempt them from same. Not only are these wearers of the fauxhawk wallowing blissfully in their own suckitude, but their ignorance renders them into objects of pity.
People with mullets, or mulletards, may be mouth-breathing cretins of dubious lineage, but they have a semblance of honor. To the rest of the world a mullet may simply say “dipwad,” but to the mulletard it is epic poetry. By choosing to wear a mullet, a man is making a proud statement that runs the gamut of human experience, from I know where I was when Dale Jr. died to My heart’s a little achy-breaky right now, thanks so much for askin’ and everything in between.