11 Tuesday Sep 2012
Posted in Celebrity, Culture, Entertainment
The world fell in love with singer Kellie Pickler when she shaved her head to highlight breast cancer awareness.
.jpg "Kellie Pickler")
See? Bald Can Be Beautiful.
And we don’t disagree. Given the vapid, superficial nature of the entertainment industry, Pickler’s statement is indeed brave. And for those who have lost a loved one to cancer, the singer is a reminder of that person’s courageous struggle.
So who doesn’t love Kellie Pickler?
This chick:
“Die, Bitch! Die!”
***
15 Thursday Dec 2011
Tags
Apolo Ohno, Ashton Kutcher, Britney Spears, childish sexual innuendo, Colorado, crackheads, Denver Broncos, Elizabeth Taylor, fat people, Finland, Godzilla, great white shark, headlines, Japan, Jesus Christ, Justin Bieber, Leonardo DiCaprio, Lindsay Lohan, Los Angeles, masturbation, moochers, Nadya Suleman, old people, Pauly D, rape, Tim Tebow, Tokyo, Twilight, Uranus
Reading Any Further Would Only Spoil The Fun.
Asians, Too, Mated With Archaic Humans, DNA Hints ~ So it’s not just Ashton Kutcher.
Did Lohan crash DiCaprio’s party? ~ Look, just because I let you blow me once doesn’t mean you can come to my parties. Twice, whatever. Get the fuck out.
Scientists plan Uranus probe ~ Heh.
Women Who Raped 17 Men Wanted More Than Just Sex ~ It took that long to find a man who was willing to cuddle.
Will Japan build a backup Tokyo? ~ Wouldn’t you? One more Godzilla attack and that place is history.
Only The US And Chinese Militaries Have Caused More Damage To Japan’s Infrastructure.
LAPD investigates Bieber fan ~ Since when has liking shitty music been a crime?
Ex-Colorado Sheriff Accused of Trading Drugs for Sex Sits in Jail Named After Him ~ AWK-ward.
How the Finns stole Thanksgiving ~ On skis, just like they do everything else.
Apolo Ohno’s Secret Stress Reliever ~ Masturbation, and lots of it.
Mobile cage lets divers cruise alongside great white sharks ~ Sharks counter with gigantic, fin-cranked can opener.
No, ‘crackheads’ won’t get you ~ And we’re just supposed to take your word for that?
Crack Aficionados: They Seem Cute On TV.
Los Angeles fire captain held in heroin sting ~ The fire captain is a boy. Boys are called heroes.
Man goes a year without money ~ It takes friends far less time to learn to hate that moocher’s fucking guts.
Hip repair for Barry Manilow ~ It’ll take a lot of work. Barry was never hip.
Opinion: Tebow can thank this guy for win ~ Is it Jesus? It’s Jesus, isn’t it?
“Go Broncs!”
Vineyard owner says hiring citizen workers was failure ~ Interminable stories about darling grandchildren didn’t have the salutary effect the growers anticipated.
‘Octomom’ Nadya Suleman’s doctor wants license restored ~ He’s hardly the first dude to impregnate a dangerously unstable welfare mom.
Twilight may be hazardous to your health ~ Prolonged exposure will turn you into an eleven-year-old girl.
Brady makes little boy cry ~ Looks like the scandal doesn’t stop with Penn State.
Having to think about the unthinkable ~ Is, by definition, impossible.
Elizabeth Taylor’s look, for less ~ Eat lots & lots of fried foods.
This Is What Timeless Beauty Looks Like.
Why Islamists Are Better Democrats ~ Because the Republicans have a ‘No Arabs’ policy.
Housewife to pen memoir ~ This Floor Is Clean to appear in stores next spring!
The Cheapest People in America ~ Dude, you best remember who signs your paycheck.
Pauly D and Britney Spears Party in Puerto Rico ~ At this point, it’s kinda hard to tell who’s slumming.
Live: Packers pounding Vikes on the way to 9-0 ~ You know, in certain circles that could mean a bunch of gay men are taking painkillers. Maybe it does anyway.
Make Your Own Caption. We Suggest Something About “Roughing The Passer” Or “Tight End.”
08 Friday Apr 2011
Tags
baby daddy, Britney Spears, career death by K-Fed, famous for nothing, haters gonna hate, K-Fed, Kevin Federline, professional baby daddy, Rebecca Black, serial impregnator, Shar Jackson, untalented stars, Victoria Prince, white trash
"I Have This Many Childrens Now!" Good Try, Kev--You Got A Little Closer That Time.
Professional baby-daddy Kevin ‘K-Fed’ Federline has likely spawned his fifth child according to a source close to the expectant mother, former professional volleyball player Victoria Prince. K-Fed’s brood currently includes two children with actress Shar Jackson and a pair with white trash survivor Britney Spears.
Say What You Will About The Man, But No Shortage Of Reasonably Attractive Women Are Willing To Sleep With Him.
Of the many roles K-Fed has played over the years (backup dancer, rap artist, career-killer) none appears to satisfy him as much as fatherhood, particularly since siring children is the only activity for which he has shown any measurable aptitude. It’s a safe bet that K-Fed will continue to knock ladies up for years to come, so long as there remains at least one kind soul who will let him do it.
Who Will Be Next? "You Like Fridays? NO WAY!--I Like Fridays, Too!"
18 Monday Oct 2010
Tags
2010 Hot 100, beauty, Britney Spears, callipygian women, Chelsea Handler, cosmetic surgery, crabs, Helen of Troy, Jodie Foster, John Hinckley Jr., Katy Perry, Ke$ha, Kelis, Kim Kardashian, Maxim, MILFs, plus-size models, Raquel Welch, Rihanna, Trojan War
Sorry, Chubbsy--You Didn't Make The 2010 Maxim Hot 100. Have You Thought About Modelling Mu-Mus?
In 2010, female beauty is ubiquitous. It pouts on the covers of magazines, stares down larger-than-life upon billboards visible from space, and shakes its ass on television. Braces, liposuction, hair extensions, implants and the like have created a revolution in appearance.
The standard of beauty changes over time. Raquel Welch would today be forced to work as a plus-sized model if she wanted a career in the public eye. Rather than rhapsodize about her stunning curves as they did in her day, probably the highest compliment Welch could obtain today would be, “You know, Raquel really knows how to make herself look pretty. Good for her.”
Today’s beauties are very different–toned, honed and siliconed. They dance across the public’s eye for a moment and then are gone. Another difference between old and new beauty: new beauty is disposable.
The media would have us believe that beauty is not in the eye of the beholder, but instead falls within a rather narrow scale. Beauty is no longer subjective.
To see whether that’s true, we consulted no less a source than Maxim, the snarky men’s magazine with soft-core aspirations. We present a few selections from Maxim’s 2010 Hot 100. Judge for yourself.
#87 Chelsea Handler: MILFy Comedienne.
Only 86 Women On The Planet Are Better Looking.
#56 Ke$ha–Musical Themed Sex Product.
Here There Be Crabs.
#54 Britney Spears: Bloated Punch Line.
Hit The Buffet One More Time.
#9 Kim Kardashian: Callipygous Automaton.
Raise Your Hand If You're A Cultural Carcinoma.
#6 Rihanna: Tomorrow’s Kelis.
No, Bitch. You Ain't.
#1 Katy Perry: Muppet Plaything.
The Most Beautiful Girl In All The Land.
Although beauty itself may be subjective, perhaps we can judge it based upon its effect upon the culture as a whole. A truly beautiful woman would not be a creation, but rather a phenomenon, like Helen of Troy, whose beauty was said to have launched the Trojan War.
Based on these criteria, Jodie Foster is the world’s most beautiful woman.
"Because No One Shoots The President For Katy Perry."
"HUURRRRR!"
06 Wednesday Oct 2010
Tags
Axis of Eww, Blake Lewis, Bono, Britney Spears, business up front, dipwads, douchebaggery, dreadmullet, fauxhawks, Hoxton fin, insipidity, Joseph Lister, mulletards, mulletocracy, mullets, obscure celebrities, party in the back, polio, Smaktakula's troubling insecurity, small pox, The Achy-Breaky, The South, the stupid things white people do to their hair, white people
Blame His Parents, His Community Or Even TV, But Leave The Kid Alone. He Don't Know No Better.
The mullet and the fauxhawk, two uniquely odious hairstyles which perch like fur gargoyles atop less-discriminating pates throughout the United States and Europe, are not often mentioned in the same breath. The two could not be more dissimilar, and yet they are united in pileous* ignominy. Along with the frizzy perm, which fortunately has grown rare in recent decades, these hideous head sculptures comprise a hairy Axis of Eww.
The mullet is by far the oldest of the three, its origins described in hushed tales of a land in a time long past, where the rivers were said to flow not with water but Corona, and where every spring the methamphetamine trees would bloom.
Briefly in vogue during the 1980s, the mullet has been returned to its ancestral practitioners, typically fringy rednecks or sweaty European soccer stars.
Happily, Like Small Pox And Polio Before It, The Frizzy Perm Is Quietly Going Away.
By comparison, the fauxhawk is a new arrival on the fashion scene. Lacking the balls to be a mohawk, but still too douchey for polite company, the fauxhawk is a coward’s hairstyle. The fauxhawk’s relative newness coupled with a lack of media access among the poor and the stupid allows the hairstyle to spread in places ignorant to its deleterious effect upon the community.
Achtung, Mullet! Elvis Presley Brought Black Music To A Wider Audience, And The Beatles Introduced Us To Crazy Drugs And Beautiful Ideas. Bono's Gift Was A Hairstyle.
Fauxhawk apologists claim this limited acceptance as evidence of the hairstyle’s superiority over the mullet, reckoning it to be the lesser of two evils. As with the medical community’s resistance to Joseph Lister’s insistence on sterile medical equipment, simply because someone is unaware of the fauxhawk’s insipidity does not exempt them from same. Not only are these wearers of the fauxhawk wallowing blissfully in their own suckitude, but their ignorance renders them into objects of pity.
Britney Sports A Thoroughly Modern Femullet For Her Appearance At The Festival For Traditional Southern Culture, Folk Art And Rasslin'.
People with mullets, or mulletards, may be mouth-breathing cretins of dubious lineage, but they have a semblance of honor. To the rest of the world a mullet may simply say “dipwad,” but to the mulletard it is epic poetry. By choosing to wear a mullet, a man is making a proud statement that runs the gamut of human experience, from I know where I was when Dale Jr. died to My heart’s a little achy-breaky right now, thanks so much for askin’ and everything in between.
We Have A Question For You, Inexplicably Famous Person: What Sound Do You Hear When Water Collides With Vinegar? (*DOUCHE*)
25 Wednesday Aug 2010
Tags
21st Century, AIDS, American Freedoms, anti-skank bigotry, Barack Obama, bigotry, Brazil, Britney Spears, Canada, celebriskanks, China, Co-Ed Sex Tryouts, crazy bald Britney, death by stoning, Europe, Flower of American Skankhood, Girls Gone Wild, India, intolerance, Joe Francis, Kim Kardashian, Lawrence Fishburne, LiLo, Lindsay Lohan, man-skanks, Mary Kay Letourneau, Montana Fishburne, Nicole Ritchie, Obama Administration, Obama's war on skanks, Paris Hilton, prudery, sex tape, Sexual Revolution, Shannon Elizabeth, skankery, skankism, skanks, skonkery, skonks, straight-to-DVD, Tara Reid, Thailand, United States of America, Vili Fualaau
Flower of American Skankhood: LiLo Mimes Fellatio For An Approving Audience.
The 21st Century promises to be a cold one for women of easy virtue. Harlots, hos, sluts, wayward girls, hussies (both brazen and wanton), tramps, Run-Around Sues, bad girls, seductresses, chickenheads, homewreckers, libertines, gold diggers, skanks, loose women, hose-monsters, skeezers, camp tramps, tarts, women of ill repute and those of low moral fibre, free love enthusiasts, Sybarites, Jezebels, bimbos, wenches bawdy and tawdry, fuck buddies, the wrong sort, your friend’s cousin Sarah with the lazy eye, floozies, Lolitas, cougars, girls who you know, groupies, mattress backs, sure things, women named for places or emotions, hootchies, friends with benefits, supafreaks, poxy lasses, demimondes, succubi, skags, slags, vamps, the girl your mother warned you about and even the occasional adulteress have suddenly found themselves very much alone.
The Hard Part Isn't Someday Telling Your Children That You Participated In The Girls Gone Wild Co-Ed Sex Tryouts; It's Telling Them You Were Voted MVP Three Years Running.
It wasn’t always like this. Not so long ago tramps were a beloved, if not respected, part of the national social fabric. During the Sexual Revolution, strumpetry gained such a seemingly intractable foothold within Western culture that it appeared nothing–not even the AIDS virus–could stop it.
Forty short years later the world is a very different place. Awash in a wave of anti-skank sentiment, many countries are taking extreme measures to eliminate skankery altogether. India’s reputation for anti-skank bigotry–or skankism— is well-deserved. But the world hears little about skank repression in countries like China, where it is rumored that hos are forced to live in squalid re-education centers; or Iran, where strumpetry is punishable by stoning in some cases.
Today the United States and Canada, Eastern Europe and Thailand, are the last bastions of skankery. But even in these once-safe havens, it appears time is running out. In the United States, skankhood–long considered a cherished freedom by Americans–is facing a relentless attack.
FACT: How You View This Relationship Depends Upon Your Gender.
Not long ago, lifting up your shirt for a sweaty asshole with a camera would net you a shitty T-Shirt and enough self-loathing to last a lifetime. Now you only get the shame.
Circa 2006, a strategically released sex-tape was the best shot at success for moderately-to-very attractive but talentless ‘actresses.’ One has only to remember the meteoric rise to vacuous stardom of Hilton and Kim Kardashian after their sex tapes were released. But times have changed. Recently, when tiresome jackass Lawrence Fishburne’s daughter Montana attempted to gain publicity for her own intentionally released sex tape, she was given the cold shoulder by the press. The media sources all cited the usual reasons for the snub–questionable values, poor production and a complete lack of interest from the public due to Montana’s negligible body of work, etc.–but many feel that skankism is the cause.
Every Time Smaktakula Has Been In Paris He Has Quickly Regretted The Experience: It is Filthy, Pungent And Remarkable For Its Lack Of Native English-Speakers.
Skank arrests in the United States have more than quadrupled in the last few years. Among the more high-profile busts are such celebriskanks as Paris Hilton and Nicole Ritchie, or skank males–better known as skonks, such as oily pornographer, Joe Francis. Fearing for their safety, many skanks have gone underground. Others, such as actresses Lindsay Lohan, Tara Reid and Shannon Elizabeth have pledged only to appear in no-budget straight-to-DVD productions until they are destigmatized. Britney Spears famously cut off her hair in protest.
Sorry Britney: Folks Just Aren't That Into Crazy Bald Chicks. Elton John Is The Exception Which Proves The Rule.
Will strumpets, tramps and hos become a nostalgic relic of yesteryear America, like the mighty buffalo which once covered the Great Plains? If the Obama Administration gets its way, the answer is yes. The Obama Administration has made it a top priority to end Skankism in the United States by 2024, with a broader goal of stamping out skankism world-wide by 2040.
Coming Soon: Obama v. Snooki
Promethean Times 