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Tag Archives: mulletards

Know Your Dictafro

08 Tuesday Mar 2011

Posted by Smaktakula in Celebrity, History, Politics

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Tags

'Lil Kim, Alexander the Great, Angela Merkel, because he declared himself King of Scotland. Get it now?, Benazir Bhutto, Bill Clinton, Bill Gates, Bono, Chairman Mao, ChocoFührer, dictafro, Evo Morales, Fugeeman, Golda Meir, Hillary Clinton, Idi Amin Dada, Imelda Marcos, Indira Gandhi, John Holmes, Julius Caesar, Kim Jong-il, Manuel Noriega, Mao Zedong, Marlon Brando, Muammar al-Gaddafi, mulletards, Napoleon Bonaparte, Pyongyang, Richard M. Nixon, Robert Mugabe, Ronald Reagan, Saddam Hussein, Silvio Berlusconi, Ted Kaczynski, Wyclef Jean, you can't tell us that 'Pyongyang' doesn't sound like a filthy word to you

By Smaktakula

The individual hairstyles of powerful men and women are as unique as fingerprints.  Observe:

The Caesar

The Pineapple

The Cover-Up

The Forgettable Fire

The Martyr

The John Holmes

The Kaczynski

The Pyongyang.

The Schultz

The Carpetbagger

The Bubbie

The Big Boy

The Thriller

The ChocoFührer

The Imelda

Le Petit Tyran

The Consigliere

The Highlander

The Supercuts

The Frampton Comes Alive

The Bride Of The Monster-Doctorwallah

The Foreign Exchange Student

The Moe Howard

The Sex Mo-Sheen And The Pantsuit

Haimster And Coleman’s Academy Awards Snub

28 Monday Feb 2011

Posted by Smaktakula in Celebrity, Cinema

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Academy Awards, Chris Farley, Corey Haim, dead celebrities, former child stars, Gary Coleman, Haimster, Hollywood, injustice, mulletards, mullets, Oscars, River Phoenix, Selena, small black actor, tributes, untalented stars

By Smaktakula

You Probably Know What He's Going To Say.

Hollywood was cruel to young actors Gary Coleman and Corey Haim, using and discarding them like snotty tissue.  That both men died long before their time is a testament to this contemptuous neglect.  But where many marginally talented performers, such as Chris Farley, River Phoenix or Selena were elevated in stature upon their deaths, no such honor has been accorded Coleman and Haim. Hollywood managed a posthumous ‘Fuck You!’ to the pair in last night’s Academy Awards telecast when neither was mentioned in the Oscars’ tedious tribute montage.

You Did This, Hollywood. You Did This.

Things We Think About: Pictures

17 Monday Jan 2011

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture

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a photograph is worth a thousand words, a picture is worth a thousand words, America's Funniest Home Videos, aphorisms, art, beautiful people, Bob Saget, casaba melons, Cat On A Leash, cliche, Full House, grammar, has-beens, images, maxims, Mike Tyson, mulletards, mullets, photobombs, photography, pictures, righteous mullet, shitty TV shows, syntactic singularities, syntax, Tardsie, Tardsie The Backpack, Things we think about, Travels With Tardsie, TV, ugly people, unfunny comedians, words

By Smaktakula

We're Pretty Sure You Could Squeeze A Few More Words Out Of This Beauty.

Few aphorisms are as ubiquitous–or contain as much self-evident truth–as  ‘A picture is worth a thousand words,‘ the notion that the camera’s eye catches such a visual abundance that it would take 1,000 words to describe it with any kind of justice.  This time-honored simile has not only survived since its introduction to common speech, but flourished thanks to its apt and easy-to-understand imagery.  The maxim is so well-known that it would not be at all surprising to hear it mouthed by a precocious six-year-old.

Thanks To The Casaba Queen, These Newlyweds Are Relegated Fewer Words In This Photo Than You'll Find In The Sentence "I Do."

But for as much use as it has seen since its probable introduction as a bit of ad copy in the early 20th Century, philosophers have yet to mount a critical study of the proverb’s underlying tenets.  Such an examination can yield heretofore unexpected insights into the nature of the image itself.

What A Tragic Waste. Those Lovely Young Ladies Deserved Their 333 And A Third.

The truth in this saying becomes evident after a limited examination of just one of the many propositions it puts forth.  Given that any single photograph is worth no more and no less than 1,000 words, how are we then to apportion dedicated words to the individual images contained within the photograph?

This Righteous Mullet Acts As A Syntactic Singularity, Sucking Sentences From Everything In Its Presence.

It would be hard to dispute, for example, that the Colosseum of Rome as depicted in a photograph might on its own merits command 1,000 words, so majestic and replete with history is the ancient structure.  That example is easy enough to follow, but lulls the viewer into the erroneous assumption that an image’s word value is a constant.  It is not.

Imagine then the same image of the Colosseum, but now with a huge Weimaraner lustily humping a French poodle in the foreground of the shot.  Wouldn’t the descriptive words necessitated by the inclusion of this comical scene into the otherwise-stolid tableau syphon syntax intended for the Colosseum?

Together The Kids Are Worth About 25 Words.

Unquestionably, the answer is yes: the 1,000 words alloted to a picture must be divided among the image’s component parts, such as in the previous example.  However, in the aforementioned instance we posited two subjects–a historical marvel and copulating canines–of equal interest to the average viewer.  But when we pair items of unequal appeal–say for example the Colosseum of Rome and a 1999 Buick LeSabre, or the randy dogs and Bob Saget, host of America’s Funniest Home Videos–it quickly becomes evident that all images are not created equal.

We Doubt There's A Person Alive Who Wouldn't Sacrifice Words Just To Be In This Photo.

Given that the various images captured within a photograph, digital recording device or artwork are not equally deserving of the object’s finite word supply–certainly the copulating dogs in the previous example rate higher than the irritating Full House has-been–the truth which reveals itself through this insight is as old as the image itself.  If images within a photograph are inherently unequal, then some are simply more important than others.

Try As He Might, Tardsie Can't Hope To Compete With Cat-On-A-Leash.

What does this all mean for you?  The implications are myriad, and at the very least will increase your awareness of the many factors comprising a good–that is, asthetically pleasing–photo.  Accordingly, you now will endeavor to pose for pictures with people less attractive and interesting than yourself, and if an enormous black drag queen dressed up like Brittney Spears circa 2001 wanders into the shot while you’re posing for a picture, you’ll be sure to let that thing of beauty speak for itself by getting your ass out of the shot.

Plain Girls--The Strategy Of Posing With A Less-Attractive Friend Can Be Taken Too Far.

Further Examples Of The Phenomenon:

In A Way, This Is Actually Fairer. The Chick On Our Left Would Only Have Taken Words From The More-Deserving Girls.

This Asswipe Successfully Executes The Very Difficult '1000 Word Steal.'

No Loss Here. We Can All Agree That The Cute Little Critter Deserves The Words.

The Poodle Doesn't Stand A Chance.

Mullets Are Slightly Less Heinous Than Fauxhawks

06 Wednesday Oct 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture, Stupidity

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Tags

Axis of Eww, Blake Lewis, Bono, Britney Spears, business up front, dipwads, douchebaggery, dreadmullet, fauxhawks, Hoxton fin, insipidity, Joseph Lister, mulletards, mulletocracy, mullets, obscure celebrities, party in the back, polio, Smaktakula's troubling insecurity, small pox, The Achy-Breaky, The South, the stupid things white people do to their hair, white people

By Smaktakula

Blame His Parents, His Community Or Even TV, But Leave The Kid Alone. He Don't Know No Better.

The mullet and the fauxhawk, two uniquely odious hairstyles which perch like fur gargoyles atop less-discriminating pates throughout the United States and Europe, are not often mentioned in the same breath.  The two could not be more dissimilar, and yet they are united in pileous* ignominy.  Along with the frizzy perm, which fortunately has grown rare in recent decades, these hideous head sculptures comprise a hairy Axis of Eww.

The mullet is by far the oldest of the three, its origins described in hushed tales of a land in a time long past, where the rivers were said to flow not with water but Corona, and where every spring the methamphetamine trees would bloom.

Briefly in vogue during the 1980s, the mullet has been returned to its ancestral practitioners, typically fringy rednecks or sweaty European soccer stars.

Happily, Like Small Pox And Polio Before It, The Frizzy Perm Is Quietly Going Away.

By comparison, the fauxhawk is a new arrival on the fashion scene.  Lacking the balls to be a mohawk, but still too douchey for polite company, the fauxhawk is a coward’s hairstyle.  The fauxhawk’s relative newness coupled with a lack of media access among the poor and the stupid allows the hairstyle to spread in places ignorant to its deleterious effect upon the community.

Achtung, Mullet! Elvis Presley Brought Black Music To A Wider Audience, And The Beatles Introduced Us To Crazy Drugs And Beautiful Ideas. Bono's Gift Was A Hairstyle.

Fauxhawk apologists claim this limited acceptance as evidence of the hairstyle’s superiority over the mullet, reckoning it to be the lesser of two evils.  As with the medical community’s resistance to Joseph Lister’s insistence on  sterile medical equipment, simply because someone is unaware of the fauxhawk’s insipidity does not exempt them from same.  Not only are these wearers of the fauxhawk wallowing blissfully in their own suckitude, but their ignorance renders them into objects of pity.

Britney Sports A Thoroughly Modern Femullet For Her Appearance At The Festival For Traditional Southern Culture, Folk Art And Rasslin'.

People with mullets, or mulletards, may be mouth-breathing cretins of dubious lineage, but they have  a semblance of honor.  To the rest of the world a mullet may simply say “dipwad,” but to the mulletard it is epic poetry.  By choosing to wear a mullet, a man is making a proud statement that runs the gamut of human experience, from I know where I was when Dale Jr. died to My heart’s a little achy-breaky right now, thanks so much for askin’ and everything in between.

We Have A Question For You, Inexplicably Famous Person: What Sound Do You Hear When Water Collides With Vinegar? (*DOUCHE*)

*We have included the definition lest readers erroneously believe, as did our spell check, that we meant to write ‘piteous.’  In fact we did not.

Mullah v. Mullet

09 Friday Jul 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Art, Culture, General Foolishness, Human Rights, Humor, Islam, Middle East, Religion, World Affairs

≈ 3 Comments

Tags

anti-Israel policy, anti-semitism, business up front, David Beckham, Emil Haagerdäddi, fashion police, fauxhawks, Iran, Iranian National Soccer Team, Jews, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, mullahcracy, mullahs, mulletards, mulletocracy, mullets, odious hairstyles, party in the back, religious fanatacism, religious intolerance, soccer mullets, that trick never works, The Achy-Breaky, thuggish jackbootery, wacky mullahs

Taking a momentary respite from its real mission (an ill-defined cocktail consisting mostly of breathlessly awaiting the advent of the New Caliphate and hating the Jews), the Iranian Mullahcracy has struck a blow in the war against bad taste.  Iran has banned the mullet and other offensive Western hairstyles.

"Seriously, You Guys Should Be Thanking Me That Someone Finally Had The Courage To Say, 'Hey, You Look Like An Asshole With That Haircut.' I Mean, Geez, I Wouldn't Wish That Rat's Nest On A Filthy Jew."

Wali bin Gud, Iranian Minister of Enlightenment and Cultural Decency, had this to say:

“It is incorrect to say that we have banned offensive Western hairstyles.  Rather, as in the case of the mullet and fauxhawk, two particularly odious hairstyles, we have banned offensive hairstyles which happen to be Western.”

Some observers  were surprised to see Iran working toward the common good.  However, Professor Emil Haagerdäddi, a senior fellow at World Think Center For World Thought, says that Iran is not as altruistic as they might appear.

“You have to remember that everybody must do their thing,”  explains the learned academian, “Get their freak on, as it were.  In this way, national bodies are no different than individuals.   Iran’s thing is, and always has been, repression.  Aside from swap-meet style rugs, thuggish jackbootery is perhaps their best-known national product.”

Festering To Bring About The Mulletocracy By Any Means Necessary, Y’All.

Reaction to the mullet ban has not been universally positive.  FIFA called it “Repression of the cruelest kind.  When you strip a man of his mullet, you strip him also of his very soul.”

Look At This Picture: How Can Hating This Douche Be Wrong?

The Iranian National Soccer Team was said to be particularly disconsolate.

Can You Do Something About Comb-Overs?  Iran bans the mullet | World news | The Guardian.

Smaktakula

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