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Tag Archives: idiots

TSA Employees Now More Hated Than Child Molesters

08 Friday Jul 2011

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture, News

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

bunglers, child molesters, clowns, creepy old perverts, douchebaggery, even Jesus thinks Fred Phelps sucks, groping, hated organizations, idiots, inappropriate activity, incompetent boobery, pederasts, pervertry, Reverend Fred Phelps, short eyes, Transportation Security Administration, TSA, Westboro Baptist Church

By Smaktakula

Ridiculously Low Pay And The Opportunity To Surreptitiously Grope Strangers Is A Surefire Way To Attract The Best And Brightest.

Given the several recent high-profile blunders by employees of the Transportation Security Administration, their already low standing in the community has plummeted even further, dropping their societal acceptance ratings below even sweaty, giggling child molesters, long regarded as society’s bottom-feeders.  TSA employees can take a dubious comfort in knowing that although they are the most reviled and lowest-paid drones in all of the transportation industry, excluding perhaps Bombay rickshaw-wallahs, the TSA is at least as well-regarded as are the screaming jackals of the Westboro Baptist Church.

"I Don't Care Much For The TSA, Myself."

Feel That The Total Lack Of Privacy And Myriad Degradations Of TSA Checkpoints Just Aren't Worth It.

"The TSA's Crude Recklessness Gives Honest Pervertry A Bad Name."

"Hey,--Don't Lump Us In With Those Assholes!"

Drive Safely When There’s Coke In The Trunk, Kids

05 Tuesday Jul 2011

Posted by Smaktakula in News, Stupidity

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

bad decisions, chicken, cocaine, coke, drugs, Florida, guns, idiots, multitasking, perfect storm of stupidity, police car, poor judgement, Shawn Smith, Why am I so stupid?

By Smaktakula

He's Right To Look Dejected: The Man's A Fucking Idiot.

On June 10th, 2011, a perfect storm of stupidity caught luckless moron Shawn Smith in its pitiless grasp. Smith’s troubles began when his car nearly collided with a police car, leading to a traffic stop.  The cataclysmically-retarded Floridian no doubt regrets the erratic driving caused in no small part by his failure to maintain control of his automobile while engaged in a spirited cell phone conversation and enjoying a delicious chicken dinner.  He likely also regrets the pile of cocaine and the multiple handguns which the cop subsequently found in his vehicle.

Cocaine: It Can Make You Do Stupid Shit.

Helping The Stupid. Gently.

23 Thursday Dec 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture, Stupidity

≈ 1 Comment

Tags

Anna Nicole Smith, Cletus the slack-jawed yokel, dumb, fucking idiots, great ideas, halfwits, Heidi Montag, helpful hints, idiots, intelligent people, morons, most folks'll never lose a toe but then again some folks'll, mouth-breathing halfwits, patron saint of the very stupid, retarded, slackjawed halfwits, stupid people, superlatively stupid, United States, United States of America, Why am I so stupid?, yahoos

By Smaktakula

Stupidity Wasn't Invented In America, But Like So Many Other Things, We've Made It Uniquely Our Own.

Stupidity never seems to go out of style.  Our daily lives are inundated with such stupidity that fighting against it often is like trying to hold back a mighty ocean of  inanity.  But such has always been the lot of that societal minority whose IQ falls into the triple digits.  Promethean Times has always argued the responsibility the non-stupid segment of the population bears toward the great legions who are.  Sometimes the greatest kindness can be illustrating more fully the depths of an individual’s thickheadedness.

Some intelligent people have no compunctions about snatching the veil of ignorance from unseeing eyes.  Although their manner can be abrasive at times, these brave souls risk the opprobrium of yahoos to make the world a better place.  These days such revelations are likely to earn at worst a beating, but once upon a time that kind of talk could get you burned at the stake.

Others, more timid or introspective, have difficulty in apprising morons of their staggering and cretinous idiocy.  It is for these non-confrontational people that we offer an elegant solution to this problem.  By employing the Promethean Times Method, not only is it possible bring the shithead to a painful–but ultimately healing–self-awareness, but also to accomplish it by allowing the halfwit to arrive at the deduction by himself.

"HURRRRRR! I Can Count To This Many!" Boasts Putty-Faced Reality TV Grotesquery, Heidi Montag.

Executing the Method:

When the stupidity of a speaker becomes nauseatingly uncomfortable for all parties present, the intelligent person should say something to the effect, “I was with you until you got to that part about you not really knowing what you were talking about, and how you feel you’re a just a bit of an idiot.”

The reaction will no doubt fall along these lines: “What?  That wasn’t what I said!”

Tell ’em, “Well, not in so many words.”

Try it.  You’ll be making the world a better place.

Since Her Untimely Death In 2007, Anna Nicole Has Been Elevated To Patron Saint Of The Very Stupid.

A Boy Named Kick Me

10 Wednesday Nov 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture

≈ 5 Comments

Tags

bad parents, call girls, Chastity, Deborah Campbell, Dick Swett, ESPN, exotic dancers, Heath Campbell, heavy metal band names, Honszlynn Hinler Jeannie Campbell, hooker names, idiots, Jägermeister, JoyceLynn Aryan Nation Campbell, Kosuke Fukudome, nomenclature-based abuse, poor impulse control, Rusty Kuntz, terrible names, Weinhard, white supremacists

By Smaktakula

Dealt A Staggering Blow At Birth, Richard Swett Turned His Wheels Into The Skid And Embraced His Handicap.

Since the dawn of time, well-meaning parents have been giving their children ridiculous names.  From the celebrity who bestows the name Pomegranate upon her offspring to the fringy basement-dweller who names his kid Billy Ray Chewbacca, parents from all walks of life enjoy abusing their parental naming rights.

You're Right, This Doesn't Count. But It's Still Funny.

But some go too far.  Most people are by now familiar with the story of Heath and Deborah Campbell, who burdened their son with the name Adolf Hitler Campbell.  His sisters’ fate was worse.  Not only were they also given white supremacist names, but with the added inconvenience of non-traditional spelling and of being unpronounceable to boot: it’s a given that little JoyceLynn Aryan Nation Campbell and Honszlynn Hinler Jeannie Campbell will have some trouble on the playground.   Child Protective Services has placed the children in foster care, ostensibly on the grounds of their parents’ health.

In Fairness To Ma And Pa Kuntz, There Isn't A Whole Lot They Could Have Done.

While Der Campbellkinder may be safe in the warm and nurturing arms of the foster care system, thousands of children across the country are still with the demoniacal parents who precipitated this nomenclature-based abuse.  To see this, one has only to know that a handful of poor impulse control dads and enabling moms have stuck their brats with the name ESPN, in honor of the 24-hour cable sports network.

"Can I Tell You, Mom & Dad? Can I Tell You How Much I Hate You?"

Some Helpful Naming Tips:

  • Avoid naming your children after alcoholic beverages.  Weinhard and Jägermeister probably won’t think it’s as cute as you do.
  • Parents whose last name is a verb should exercise EXTREME caution when naming their daughters to avoid the many call girl/exotic dancer combinations.
  • Avoid creative spellings such as Kody, Ayden, Trevis and the like.  Your child is not a heavy metal band.
  • Only name your daughter “Chastity” if you’re a fan of irony.
Smaktakula is a family name!

Something’s Cooking In The World Of Competitive Sauna

10 Tuesday Aug 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture, Duh, Europe, Games, General Foolishness, Health, Sports

≈ 3 Comments

Tags

a watched pot never boils, burns, competitive sauna, completely preventable deaths, crazy bastard, crazy macho bullshit, criminal stupidity, death-oven, Finland, Finnish, Finns, for the love of the game, grisly innuendo, idiots, jackassery, lobster, masochism, morons, natural selection, prison work farm, pseudosport, quasi-athlete, Russian, sports-related deaths, suicide, Timo Kaukonen, Vladimir Ladyzhensky, what the fuck is wrong with you people?, World Sauna Championship, you don't see the fucking lobster boiling itself do you?

By Smaktakula

The sporting world is still aboil about the news dispatches steaming out of Finland reporting the tragic death of Russian quasi-athlete Vladimir Ladyzhensky.  Ladyzhensky, along with his Finnish opponent Timo Kaukonen, collapsed during the annual World Sauna Championships in Finland.  Both men suffered severe burns and were admitted to the hospital, where Ladyzhensky later died.                             

It May Look Easy, Kids--But If You Want To Make It To The Big Leagues You've Got To Say Your Prayers, Eat Your Vitamins And Practice, Practice, Practice!

Thanks in large part to recent media coverage, a new generation of fans is coming to appreciate this exciting and fast-growing ‘sport.’  The roots of competitive sauna reach far back into Finland’s history; hanging around in a hot, steamy room with other dudes has long been a favored pastime.  The ghastly exercise in masochism has been a professional sport in Finland since 1999.                             

Although most Finns readily welcome the dizzying globalization of their sport, they remain fiercely proud of its Finnish origins.  This pride has manifested itself in a variety of ways, including the recent creation of a Finnish Bureau of Tourism.  The Bureau’s first act as a body was to devise the popular slogan: Finland–A Little More Than Just Reindeer!                          

When It Was A Game: Florida Prison Farm Inmates Played Not For Money, But For The Love Of Competitive Sauna.

Ladyzhensky’s shocking death can’t help but cast a pall over professional sauna.  Inwardly, everyone connected with the sport is no doubt plagued by the same internal question: Could we have done something to prevent this?                             

Sadly, the answer is No.  Self-recrimination is a part of human nature, and while some soul-searching is probably inevitable, it comes to little in the end.  Although this terrible event will no doubt be parsed and dissected by historians for generations to come, the exact cause of this tragedy will never truly be known.  That athletes die sometimes with no apparent cause is perhaps the cruelest lesson that sports can teach us.                          

"What The Fuck Is Wrong With You People? Damn."

Vladimir Ladyzhensky may have left competitive sauna, but the rare Russian will forever be seared into the collective consciousness of the game he loved.   His fellow competitors will no doubt shed a collective tear* in his memory as they take that first barefoot step into the searing death-oven that is the symbol of this much-beloved pseudosport.  Ladyzhensky wouldn’t have wanted it any other way.                             

*This is intended for figurative purposes only.  When one’s profession involves killing time in a 230° hot box, remaining well-hydrated is the surest strategy to victory, and may help to stave off death for a few precious seconds.

The Bull Doesn’t Always Lose

21 Wednesday Jul 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Crime, Critters, Culture, Games, General Foolishness, Justice, National Events, Sports

≈ 2 Comments

Tags

aquatic mammals, birds, Blame Canada!, bovine-on-human violence, bovines, British Columbia, bull riding death, Canada, Does Nature Want You Dead? Yes It Does., Emil Haagerdäddi, goring, Holy Cow!, idiots, India, kill-crazy beast, Makwala Derrickson Hall, matadors, NO BULL, rodeo, running of the bulls, sharks, two last names

By Smaktakula

Although much has been made of the danger posed by birds, sharks and aquatic mammals, humans have long been tolerant, and even affectionate toward bovines.  Regarded as likable, if stupid creatures throughout the world, and revered in places like India, the bovine family is accorded a respect second only to that given to canines.

Never Trust A Smiling Bull.

A recent incident in British Columbia may put bovines’ most-favored-species status in jeopardy.  Last week an eighteen-year-old bull rider, Makwala Derrickson Hall, was struck in the side by a bull during an event.  Derrickson Hall died before medical help reached him.

There are many theories that seek to explain why the bull went rogue.  An early theory, quickly discarded, imagined the incident as an unfortunate accident, adding that when dealing with wild animals, occasionally something terrible will happen.

Most experts consider this explanation childishly simple at best, and at its worst, dangerously naive.  Professor Emil Haagerdäddi, chairman of South-Central Montana Community College’s Department of Rodeo Studies, believes that the bull didn’t recognize the rider as a professional.  Says Haagerdäddi:

“Derrickson Hall had two disadvantages going into this contest, neither of which was his fault.  The first, obviously, was his Canadian citizenship.  I don’t know how many times I’ll have to say this: Canadians have no place in rodeo.”

When asked how Canadians will react to his statement, the professor sighs, “Oh, there’ll be a burning maple leaf on my lawn tonight.  It won’t be the first time.”

“Derrickson Hall’s second and more pronounced disadvantage,” the professor continues, “Is his unusual last name.  He’s got one too many.  In rodeo having two first names is so common place as to be de rigueur.  I can’t tell you how many Jesse Lees and Billy Joes have strapped on the spurs, but not too many Derrickson Halls.  And Makwala?  Well, you just can’t expect the bull to respect that, now can you?”

There are a great many others, however, who feel that this is more than one rogue bull trying to make his bones.  One organization which believes this way is NO BULL, a pro-humanist charity.  NO BULL’s spokesperson pointed to the alarming rise in goring, both among matadors in the bullring as well as idiots who participate in Spain’s famed running of the bulls.  “We feel that these recent events are not accidental, and that they are being directed by an unseen hoof.”

This Kill-Crazy Beast Ate Its Way Through Three Riders And Nine Rodeo Clowns Before It Was Finally Brought Down.

It’s too early to tell if bovine-on-human violence is a growing trend or merely a series of unfortunate coincidences.  Until we know for sure, it’s all eyes on the cows.

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