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Daily Archives: November 8, 2010

We’re Not Too Proud To Offer ‘B’ Material

08 Monday Nov 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Stupidity

≈ 2 Comments

Tags

'B' Material, Apps, bad jokes, iPhone, Pedo Bear, pedo-meter, pedometer, police, well they should damn it!, Won't somebody please think of the children?

By Smaktakula

Everywhere You Step, There's Another One. Literally.

We recently downloaded a free iPhone application, the name of which implied the app could identify sexual predators.  We decided to test it out at our local supermarket.

We braced ourselves for the possibility that a few individuals we encountered–perhaps even people we knew–might be sexual predators.  But we could not have prepared ourselves for the degenerate horror into which we had thrust ourselves.  Moments after we started the application, it registered a deviant.  As we moved around the store trying to triangulate and identify individual perverts, the data on the phone showed a dizzying increase in suspicious individuals.

"He's Climbin' In Yo Windows! He's Snatchin' Yo People Up!"

Eventually the data were showing more sexual predators in the immediate area than we could visually confirm, possibly indicating that some were hiding between the rows of food, or perhaps secreted under the flooring or in the back room.  Since the threat posed a greater danger than we were prepared to face, we chose to alert the authorities.

Little Billy's Parents Would Later Tearfully Tell The Police That Chester's Hair Should Have Been A Dead Giveaway.

We were understandably chagrined when the police informed us that the application was a pedometer–a device which measures walking or running distance, and not a pedo-meter, which furthermore, they were quick to point out, does not exist.

Won't Somebody Please Think Of The Children?

What?  They can’t all be winners, folks.

Does God Exist?

08 Monday Nov 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture, Religion

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

burning bush, cultural cockroach, God, gold digger, higher power, I CAN HAS CHEEZBURGER?, John Lennon, Lolcats, Lotrimin, Mark David Chapman, meal ticket, performance artists, proving the existence of God, the Almighty, the woman who destroyed the Beatles, Tokyo, untalented stars, Why God? Why?, Yoko Ono

By Smaktakula

The Revelatory Powers Of A Burning Bush Are Legendary. Fortunately, Lotrimin Produces An Ointment Which Will Help Soothe The Itching And Discomfort.

Such a fundamentally contentious issue as the existence of a higher power, despite that the question must be answerable by either a yes or no, is too complex to answer neatly in a few short paragraphs, and frankly, more than a little beyond our intellectual safety zone.

Promethean Times is always eager to let our readers do the intellectual hard work.  Leaving the question in your capable hands, we present a single piece of evidence both for and against the existence of the Almighty.

For: Lolcats.

He's Asking For A Cheeseburger, But It's Comically Misspelled! Could You Just Die?

Against: The continuing existence of Yoko Ono.

Tenaciously Managing To Survive Both The Firebombing Of Tokyo And Mark David Chapman's Point-Blank Slaying Of Her Meal-Ticket Husband, This Shrieking Cultural Cockroach Will Outlive Us All.

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