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By Smaktakula

Just Take A Look At The Man--He's High Right Now!

Michael Phelps’ fall from grace and subsequent loss of several lucrative endorsement deals after being photographed pulling on a bong must send a chill through the athletic community, particularly among those athletes in low-paying sports who depend on endorsements to maintain their lifestyle.  According to friends, snowboarder Shaun White is one of the athletes said to be playing on the edge.  Said an unnamed source, “We keep trying to tell Shaun that he’s just one bust away from stocking the salsa bar at Baja Fresh.”

We Sincerely Hope That Shit Was The Sticky-Icky Super-Chronic, Mike, Considering What It Cost You.

Promethean Times managed to secure an interview with the Flying Tomato at the athlete’s home.   Although our intern, Arturo, spent over twelve hours with White, the interview tapes last only a few minutes, Arturo’s questions having to be squeezed in between White’s interminable Xbox sessions with friends, tours of his home which included views of his extensive air-freshener and incense collection, and the athlete’s repeated offers of such sundries as Red Vines, Corn Nuts and Funyuns.

The Olympic Committee Stripped Canadian Snowboarder Ross Rebagliati Of His Medal When He Tested Positive For THC. It Was Later Returned After It Turned Out That Ross Had Merely Stepped Into An Elevator Where "A Bunch Of Guys Had Just Been Getting High," Inadvertently Inhaling Some Of The Smoke. That And He'd Eaten A Poppyseed Bagel A Few Days Before. They Can Totally Mess Up A Test.

Perhaps White’s most salient insight during the interview was this:

Yeah, I’ve heard the rumors–who hasn’t?  I want to clear the air–heh–regarding this matter once and for all: I don’t smoke pot.

He went on to add:

But I saw on TV one time that for someone to overdose on marijuana they’d have to smoke a bag of weed the size of a house, and they’d have to do it in like fifteen minutes or something!

Dude, can you totally imagine a house made of pot?  That would be fuckin’ sweeeeeeeeeet!  People’d be like, “Hey Shaun, what happened to your doorknobs, man?”  And I’d be like, “I don’t know, man!”

At this one of Shaun’s friends whispered in his ear, after which the Gold-Medal ginger said:

Um, I mean just for pretend, y’know?–Completely and totally not for reals.

Hey dude, are you recording this?

Reefer Is To Snowboarders As Oxygen Is To Humans.

Of course, like anyone else, White is innocent until proven guilty.  Even if the rumors prove false, the damage has been done.  Many within the sport privately fear that recurring allegations of marijuana use among its athletes could doom snowboarding’s clean-cut image forever.

Shaun Burns The Half-Pipe, But He Shreds On A Bong.*

*You thought we’d go with the “Weedies” angle, didn’t you?  Too easy.  ∞T.