Tags
Arturo the Intern, athletes, Baja Fresh, bong, Canada, cannabis, Corn Nuts, dope, Flying Tomato, Funyuns, gingers, grass, hemp, making excuses, medalist, Michael Phelps, Olympic Committee, Olympics, poppyseed bagels, pot, Red Vines, reefer, Ross Rebagliati, Shaun White, snowboarders, snowboarding, sticky-icky super-chronic, stoners, sweet sweet cheeba, THC, United States of America, weed, Weedies, Xbox
By Smaktakula
Just Take A Look At The Man--He's High Right Now!
Michael Phelps’ fall from grace and subsequent loss of several lucrative endorsement deals after being photographed pulling on a bong must send a chill through the athletic community, particularly among those athletes in low-paying sports who depend on endorsements to maintain their lifestyle. According to friends, snowboarder Shaun White is one of the athletes said to be playing on the edge. Said an unnamed source, “We keep trying to tell Shaun that he’s just one bust away from stocking the salsa bar at Baja Fresh.”
We Sincerely Hope That Shit Was The Sticky-Icky Super-Chronic, Mike, Considering What It Cost You.
Promethean Times managed to secure an interview with the Flying Tomato at the athlete’s home. Although our intern, Arturo, spent over twelve hours with White, the interview tapes last only a few minutes, Arturo’s questions having to be squeezed in between White’s interminable Xbox sessions with friends, tours of his home which included views of his extensive air-freshener and incense collection, and the athlete’s repeated offers of such sundries as Red Vines, Corn Nuts and Funyuns.
The Olympic Committee Stripped Canadian Snowboarder Ross Rebagliati Of His Medal When He Tested Positive For THC. It Was Later Returned After It Turned Out That Ross Had Merely Stepped Into An Elevator Where "A Bunch Of Guys Had Just Been Getting High," Inadvertently Inhaling Some Of The Smoke. That And He'd Eaten A Poppyseed Bagel A Few Days Before. They Can Totally Mess Up A Test.
Perhaps White’s most salient insight during the interview was this:
Yeah, I’ve heard the rumors–who hasn’t? I want to clear the air–heh–regarding this matter once and for all: I don’t smoke pot.
He went on to add:
But I saw on TV one time that for someone to overdose on marijuana they’d have to smoke a bag of weed the size of a house, and they’d have to do it in like fifteen minutes or something!
Dude, can you totally imagine a house made of pot? That would be fuckin’ sweeeeeeeeeet! People’d be like, “Hey Shaun, what happened to your doorknobs, man?” And I’d be like, “I don’t know, man!”
At this one of Shaun’s friends whispered in his ear, after which the Gold-Medal ginger said:
Um, I mean just for pretend, y’know?–Completely and totally not for reals.
Hey dude, are you recording this?
Reefer Is To Snowboarders As Oxygen Is To Humans.
Of course, like anyone else, White is innocent until proven guilty. Even if the rumors prove false, the damage has been done. Many within the sport privately fear that recurring allegations of marijuana use among its athletes could doom snowboarding’s clean-cut image forever.
Shaun Burns The Half-Pipe, But He Shreds On A Bong.*
Promethean Times 
Whoever took that pic of Phelps was obviously pissed at him for bogarting the glass. Swimmers, with their otherworldly lung capacity are notorious toasting an entire bag with one breath. They are the last people you want around your sticky-icky.
FYI: Ross Rebagliati changed his name to Ross Dimebagliati.
An excellent observation, The! Even Phelps’ stance (turned away, blocking the bong with his powerful left forearm) is a display of bogartism, a behavior generally considered to be most weak.
Snowboarders are smoking pot now? Who knew?
Thanks for the comment, Little! We were shocked at the spread of the pernicious weed into the formerly drug-free world of athletics, but we assure you, this story–like everything published in Promethean Times–is 100% true.
shirking the bong is like the guy at the party who brings out a reefer and refuses to pass it along
I agree he was clearly being reported for Being a bogart. and as we know Bogarts not only have the worse poetry in the universe..
they happen to be evil shame on him… shame
Some people just don’t think about the consequences of their actions, do they?
It’s rather sad. We take pains to think not only of the consequence of our actions, but also about the future. That’s why we invest our checks from Burger King into a “mutual fund” of lottery tickets and collectible Beanie Babies.
I don’t see why it matters at all… It’s not performance enhancing in any way, and if you look at the numbers… Plenty of us smoke and we still buy these products… the P.C. is getting ridiculous…
We’re in complete agreement. Caffeine is more of a performance-enhancer than the sweet, sweet cheeba.
Sean is a loser. 4th place has been. Stupid moron.
Smoking weed is not that sweet. It’s like saying smoking cigarettes is fucking awesome!
Losers