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By Smaktakula

In which we opine on various news headlines without reading the articles.

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The Costars: Jim Carrey paired with penguins ~ With each film Carrey reaches further down the evolutionary ladder in his thus-far-futile search for a less-talented co-star.

Hackers group says it will attack Iran Sunday ~ The best attacks are unannounced.

Armless Dude Throws Out Ceremonial First Pitch At Dodger Stadium ~ Figuratively, one assumes.

He May Look Dangerous, But Actually He’s Quite Armless.*

Police Bust Cockfighting Ring at Texas Children’s Party ~ We hope they’re talking about chickens.

Were Navy SEALs justified in shooting an unarmed Osama bin Laden? ~ Funny–the dodo and the passenger pigeon were just debating that very thing!

American Indians object to ‘Geronimo’ as code for bin Laden raid ~ Geronimo is a hero to Native Americans and an inherent part of their culture.  The tribes also objected to the code names ‘Bingo,’ ‘Blackjack’ and ‘Whiskey.’

Come On Now–Jack Daniels Does.

South Korean man found crucified in abandoned stone quarry; police investigating ~ Hopefully the authorities kept an eye on him for a few days–a couple millennia ago, one of these things got a little out of hand.

The University Has No Clothes ~ Sounds like the college we remember.

Harry Reid Injured by Parked Car ~ He has great health care, so why not?

Fake Bin Laden Photos Fool Some Lawmakers ~ America’s legislators, like her public, are remarkably easy to fool.

Turns Out This Is A Fake.

Wearing Only a Smile, Nudists Seek Out the Young and the Naked ~ And how is that different from what sexual predators do?

Man killed in tractor collision has been identified ~ To get yourself killed in a collision involving vehicles which travel slowly in straight lines and rarely meet, you’ve really got to be trying.

“NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!”

SHANIA TWAIN NEARLY LOST VOICE OVER DIVORCE ~ Currently she and her ex share joint custody.

Teen high on bath salts allegedly kills neighbor’s goat ~ Bath salts?  Who gets high from bath salts?  Get yourself some nutmeg or Robitussin-DM at your local Albertsons.  While you’re there, grab a couple whippets.

“I Can Hear My Hair Growing!  Can You Hear It? It Goes ‘Skriiiiitch! Skriiiiiiitch! Skriiiiiitch!’ Oh God, I Am So Fucking High Right Now.”

For more fun with Headlines, you’ll want to check out:

*Apologies. ∞T.
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