By Smaktakula and Various Editors

In which we sound off on the headlines, without bothering to read the articles.

Single, Female, Mormon, Alone~That could not be any sexier.

Suspect Confesses to Murdering Pakistani Politician~When you’re interrogated by the Pakistani ISI, you’ll pretty much tell them you’re an alligator if that’s what they want to hear.

Michael Lohan loses his cool~Believing MiLo ever had any cool requires a colossal leap of faith.

Billy Ray Cyrus Wants Whoopi Goldberg to Star In His Movie~This thing’s  got “hit” written all over it.

Cable car rear-ended near San Francisco Union Square-~If you’re looking to get rear-ended, that’s a pretty good place for it.

Five Biggest Mistakes Retirees Make~The first one is retiring.

Ark. cities feel unexplained surge in earthquakes~Perhaps God is angry about all the incest.

Essay: Elizabeth Taylor, the woman who invented celebrity~Translation: “Look, I was born in the age of color TV and I really don’t know who that is, okay?”

San Jose man dies after collapsing at GOP party~He was no doubt shocked to find Republicans in San Jose.

Sting puts 14 of 14 tour buses stopped at single NYC checkpoint off road~We stopped reading when we found out they weren’t talking about the insufferable easy-listening singer.

EXCLUSIVE: Lindsay Lohan Refused To Visit Dad on ‘Family Day’ at Celebrity Rehab~It’s nice to see Lindsay making adult decisions.

Western air strikes fail to dislodge Gaddafi~When was the last time airstrikes dislodged anyone?

Welcome to the Libyan front. Have a juice box.-~Fuck your juice box, cocksnipe–Get me out of the sand!