Africa, African strongmen, Chad, Croesus, delusion, gazillionaires, greed, ignorance, Lottery tickets, Nigeria, Nigerian email scam, pimp-cup, playing the lottery as an investment, poor math skills, Promethean Times, Scrooge McDuck, self-deception, Smaktakula, We trust Wikipedia as far as we can throw it, wealth, Wikipedia
Smaktakula announced at a press conference today that he is “Super-freaking rich” and that he is now “finally living the life I deserve.” He punctuated this with, “Who’s laughing now, bitches?”, which he followed up with “Nobody, that’s who.” He then took a long draught from his pimp-cup and sprayed the audience, who in light of the author’s newfound status, could only sit there and take it.
Yesterday morning, a simple electronic message changed Smaktakula’s life forever, when fate plucked him from the soul-crushing poverty that ensnares most of the people reading this article, setting him gently upon the gilded pedestal reserved for the world’s elite. It seems that a certain African leader, whose identity has yet to be revealed, must quickly get his funds out of the country in the face of an oncoming coup.
For reasons too murky for Smaktakula to follow, the strongman intends to place his vast fortune into Smaktakula’s checking account. For rendering this service, Smaktakula will be allowed to keep roughly 10% of the despot’s $25 million fortune. “Imagine what I could do with $250,000,” the ex-writer crowed, “I could buy 250,000 lottery tickets and double or even triple my fortune!”
Smaktakula dismisses as sour grapes the many, many warnings he has received from people he thought were his friends that his recent good luck is an email scam. The blogger, who describes himself as a “super-genius–way smarter than you,” is not worried. “I did my research, and I know about Nigerian scams,” he says. “This email comes from N’Djamena, Chad–which is a whole different country. I checked it out on Wikipedia. It’s legit.”
Smaktakula has provided his account information as requested, and since then has been eagerly checking his balance every five minutes or so. To his former readers at Promethean Times, the gazillionaire had this to say: “So long, paupers! If you ever see me around here again, you can bet that I fucked up real bad!”
El Guapo said:
Dude! You should have given your offshore account info.
Now the IRS is gonna be sniffing around looking for a cut!
Seriously, I went to a whole seminar on how to collect this money.
Next I’m taking the Nigerian-English to English-English language class, so I can tell if they want to give me money or just have sex with my neighbors cat (which is not near as lucrative!)
“or just have sex with my neighbors cat (which is not near as lucrative!)”
We’re not so hung up on money, Guap. Tell us a little about your neighbor’s cat. Is she seeing anyone right now?