Tags
Baseball, California, Central Valley, drugs, Enid, Fresno, If I forget thee T-Town, impoverished first-world hellhole, Los Angeles, methamphetamine, New Appalachia, Oklahoma, places that suck, San Diego, San Francisco, San Joaquin Valley, San Jose, Smaktakula's hatred of the San Francisco Giants, Tacoma, Washington, Why am I so stupid?
By Smaktakula
Fresno Sucks Donkey Balls, It's True.
Fresno, California is a powerfully forgettable city. Squatting like an infected zit in the center of California’s San Joaquin Valley (itself labelled a ‘New Appalachia’ by The Economist), Fresno is an embarrassing relation to California’s first-class cities: Los Angeles, San Diego, San Jose and San Francisco. Fresno is the cataclysmically retarded sibling the family keeps locked in the basement when company visits.
You Wouldn't Let Your Family Live Here, Yet This Is What Thousands Of Americans Endure Every Day.
Fresno’s abject wretchedness becomes apparent when it is understood that despite its relative obscurity, Fresno is the fifth largest city in California and 34th in the nation, making it far more populous than many other more famous and beloved cities. Moreover, the dust-blown hellhole has long been known as a crime-ridden cesspit–pungent, filthy and unlivable, where average July temperatures soar above 97 degrees.
MY L1F3 4 FR35N0. FR35N0 4 L1FE, Y0.
Neither are Fresnans known for their mental prowess. In 2009 the city wallowed dead last in a national ranking of ‘Smartest Cities in America, and boasts as its primary institution of higher learning Cal State Fresno. Fresno lacks any professional sports teams,* and for famous Fresnans can list the likes of Balco’s Victor Conte, talentless rapper-cum-baby daddy K-Fed and crazy bitch Anne Heche. Local citizens have even founded the Frebby Awards, to highlight those rare and delicate elements of Fresno life not completely saturated with suck.
So Sad.
But things may at last be looking up for the Raisin City. A recent newspaper headline has tagged Fresno with a distinction which seems to blow like an ill wind from city to blighted city throughout the American West. Tomorrow the spotlight may be upon Tacoma, Washington, Enid, Oklahoma or any one of a hundred other loser cities, but this moment belongs to Fresno, which for today anyway, has been declared the methamphetamine capital of the United States of America. Way to go, Fresno!
Everyone Is Special In His Or Her Own Way.
Promethean Times 
I’ve never been to Fresno and now I’m not too upset about that fact. Thanks for stopping by my blog.
Don’t even go it has been described correctly … it is a pit lived there for 4 long hellish years very conservative( lack of education) and they all think being 3 hours from the beach is terriffic?
Thanks for the comment, Jamie–we’re just glad you made it out. Promethean Times‘ HQ is located near that very beach you mentioned, right in the path of the Fresno. We see it all year, but from Labor Day to Memorial Day (we get those mixed up; whichever two bracket the summer) it can be downright grueling. Some day we’ll do a piece on Valley Folk.
“To highlight those rare and delicate elements of Fresno life not completely saturated with suck”. Hahaha, fucking hysterical.
I like Fresno, I will never say it is the best place in the world to live, but it definately does not suck. You need to scratch beneth the surface a little harder than most cities, but there are some truly awesome communities with in the city which I have not been able to match in the other cities I have lived in. (Which includes Baltimore, Sacramento, Biloxi, Seoul, Doha and a few others.) Maybe it just feels more tight-knit than other places I have lived and visited. I won’t say it is a diamond in the rough, more like an opal in the rough.
Thanks for reading Chris, and for your spirited defense of your adopted city. You know, I’m always a little ashamed when I say rotten things about something, and someone politely rebuts me. The angry responses make me laugh, but the polite ones make me sheepish.
You’ve lived in some interesting places!
You’re spot-on in your description of F-no. I lived there between long enough and too long. I went there for college and stayed there for a job after graduation. It wasn’t my primary option, but I had to do what I had to do. Fresno just sucks on so many levels. Each city or town has its own problems, but Fresno just has a much higher concentration of them. I did what I could to make it better, but people there just looked at me like I had just disembarked from a spaceship. The place is very against any improvement or change; full of apathy. That is why it is ten years behind the times. It’s an ass backwards city that still thinks of itself as a town. I’m so glad and relieved that I left that hellhole.
Sorry about the late reply, Andy. Thanks a lot for commenting, and I commend you on your wise decision to escape the F-Hole.