26 Tuesday Nov 2013
Posted in Stupidity, True-Ass Tales
Tags
dope, douchebaggery, hemp, homosexuality, house party, marijuana, short people, sweet sweet cheeba, Tacoma, tolerance, Washington, weed
In which are discussed tolerance, theft and weed abatement.
Of course this post is not safe for work. It contains lots of salty language and one particularly offensive word (not used gratuitously).
Enjoy!
25 Friday Jan 2013
Posted in Crime, Culture, History, True-Ass Tales
Tags
dope, drug school, drugs, George W. Bush, grass, hemp, I fought the law, nerds, pot, reefer, school, sweet sweet cheeba, Tacoma, Tardsie's True-Ass Tales, Washington, weed
Note: This post has been split into two parts to prevent reading fatigue.
Part 4 of 4.5. In which dirty deals are done, the author gains a new alma mater, and some weed is consumed.
If you’re coming to us late, be sure to check out the previous three installments in this series, Don’t Forget To Hurt, So Much Love To Share and I’m Tardsie, And I’m An Alcoholic Apparently, so you don’t feel all left out.
The prosecution had nothing on me and they knew it.¹ They’d chosen to be vindictive in light of my juvenile criminal record, believing incorrectly that some combination of distance, fatigue or finances would wear me down. Now, after three court appearances over five grueling months, they were throwing in the towel. But not without a last, teensy-weensy Fuck You! to remember them by: the charges would be dropped, provided that I attend drug school.
Ironically, Drug School Differs From Real School In That You Can’t Buy Drugs There.
This experience proved to be vastly different from previous attempts to fix me, not least in that it proved worthwhile in its own regard, and not simply as fodder for funny stories to be told and retold throughout the years. A great many years had passed since the events related in previous installments of this series, and the nascent human being I had been in those dark times–soft, directionless and vulnerable–was gone, replaced by a new creature, one who had begun to understand himself and what he stood for, one who was not so easily cowed or willing to give away that which was so hard-won, and who would prove to be the not-so-distant forbear of the man I am today.
I was angry–angry for being put in this position. Like envy or honest pain, anger is an emotion which has of late come into general disfavor. Being consumed by anger to the point where it, rather than conscious decision, rules your life is undoubtedly a very bad thing; anger is a terrible master, as untold deaths throughout the span of human history will attest. But when it is the wheel rather than the engine, anger is a powerful servant. My outrage gave me the tenacity to push back ferociously against an overzealous prosecutor. Such was my exasperation over the final agreement that I was determined to get the last laugh. They wanted to send me to drug school? I resolved to spit in their faces by learning something.
I’m A Nerd. That’s How We Roll.
There were a variety of drug schools throughout the Puget Sound from which to choose. As has been my way with virtually all of my educational decisions, I didn’t put much thought into it, and picked a school in a run-down neighborhood of Tacoma, Washington not too far from where I’d gone to high school. There were several eight-hour classes scheduled every month, but I chose a private class. It cost a bit more, but I could do it the next day and without a peer-group that represented a rancid smorgasbord of wretched humanity. Most critically, I guessed that without a retinue of stoned mouth-breathers to dumb up the class, I’d be gone from there a long time before eight hours passed.
Not wanting to be late, I arrived at drug school well before the 9:00 AM start time. Nobody had arrived yet, so I parked at the McDonald’s across the street and got high.
C’Mon, Folks! It’s Drug School! You Didn’t Expect Me To Spend My Time Reading The Bible, Did You?
18 Friday Jan 2013
Posted in Culture, History, Stupidity, True-Ass Tales
Tags
bad behavior, counselling, drugs, high school sucks, hoodlum school, jackassery, places that suck, psychiatry, Tacoma, Tardsie's True-Ass Tales, Washington
Who’d Like To Go First?
Part 2 of 4: In which bureaucrats make decisions, hoodlum school is avoided, and the author confesses his youthful desire to make love to the world.
Be sure to check out our first installment, Don’t Forget To Hurt. You’ll kick yourself if you miss it.
Another consequence of my behavior has been three instances of mandated counselling.¹ Now, I think these kinds of therapy, when properly conducted, can work wonders in helping people get over their shit and on with their lives. But about the only thing I took from my first two encounters with the mental health profession is that not all professionals are created equal. In fact, some are kinda shitty.
And As Someone Who’s Spent A Total Of About 10 Hours In Various Counselling Programs, You Know I Know What I’m Talking About.
The first attempt to talk the bad out of me came during my junior year of high school. I’d been recently booted from the choir program, and was having/creating issues in all my non-PE classes. The school bureaucrats quickly concluded that I was on drugs.² They offered me the stark choice of either seeing a psychiatrist, or else I could do my learnin’ with the brooding hardcases over at the hoodlum school. Since getting a shiv jammed into my eye-socket during fourth-period Reading Fundamentals would prove a considerable obstacle to my cherished goal of someday getting the fuck out of Tacoma, Washington, I opted instead for the mental health professional.
Who Knows? Perhaps I Would Have Met My First Boyfriend By Accident In The Dim Stalls Of The Wood Shop Bathroom.
The shrink I ended up seeing really looked the part. She was of that indeterminate age north of forty, expensively pantsuited and detached almost to the point of boredom. To her credit, when I told her that I had never done drugs, she didn’t ask me about it again. She asked me a lot of other questions, though, and made notes as I answered. She didn’t add or suggest anything, just kept peppering me with questions.
There was one topic, however, with which she seemed unusually preoccupied, leading her to ask one particular question several times. If ever, while responding to her ongoing interrogation, I mentioned a female with whom I wasn’t too closely related, she would ask the same question. “And did you want to sleep with her?”³
How Can I Express This Delicately?
I was sixteen years old–I wanted to fuck pretty much everything walking on two legs, a rather unselective sample in which the psychiatrist herself was included, although helpfully, I did not share this information during our sessions. Instead I answered “Yes” about 50% of the time when she asked me about girls I wanted to pork, and lied the rest of the time.
But after confessing that I wanted to lay down with every other woman I met, there didn’t seem much else to talk about. I stopped going after the second session and nothing was ever said of it again.
So Am I Cured Now?
In our third installment, I’m Tardsie, And I’m An Alcoholic Apparently, it just gets worse. See you there.
03 Tuesday Apr 2012
Tags
Africa, boobs, botulism, Brazil, breastuses, bumper sticker mentality, child abandonment, Chuck E. Cheese, death by soccer, drugs, Gollum, headlines, Iwo Jima, Jennifer Love Hewitt, Marines, Mexico, old people, political bumper stickers, prostitution, Rick Santorum, Seattle, Soccer, Vladimir Putin, Washington, Why am I so stupid?
Is THAT What He’s Doing? Guess We’ll Stop Waving Back.
In which we get all the information we need from the headlines of the day:
Anti-Putin protesters form a 10-mile human chain around Moscow ~ Anti-Putin protesters made into bizarre human chain in dungeons beneath Moscow.
Poor reading could be fatal ~ Oh, come off it. We’re as pro-literacy as the next satirical internet blog, but that’s just ridiculous. With the possible–and hilarious–exception of “Warning Sign Disasters,” this simply isn’t true.
Why Thursday’s sunset will be special for Seattle ~ No more sun ’till 2013.
Marine makes last stand in foreclosed home ~ We have to say it: a marine making a last stand in his foreclosed home smacks of weird craziness. Pity–if he’d only been making a last stand on some Godforsaken piece of earth that nobody could possibly want–then it would be noble.
Iwo Jima, The Translation Of Which Means “Sulfur Island,” Is Currently Uninhabited.
Rick Santorum winning more support from Republican women ~ There’s proof of gender equality for you, folks. Women are every bit as stupid as men.
IS BRAZIL DESTROYING THE AMAZON FOR ENERGY? ~ Well, that would be a good reason, anyway,–better than ‘Just ’cause they felt like it.”
Whatever Happened to First Class? ~ It’s still there–just not for you, peasant.
What You Lose When You Sign That Donor Card ~ YOUR PRECIOUS ORGANS!
Jennifer Love Hewitt loves her boobs ~ In this, we are united in our affection.
What We Like Best About Them Is Their Pleasing Shape And Size.
Prostitutes found in Mexico jail ~ Imagine that. If you wanted to surprise us, you’d have said ‘soap.’
What’s Wrong With Being Single? ~ Only a loveless grotesquery would pose such a question.
Dad: Drug classes should be mandatory ~ We agree. The younger generation simply does not know how to do drugs properly.
Another child left at Chuck E. Cheese’s ~ You say it like it’s a bad thing, like dad abandoned his kid in the deep, dark, wolf-ridden woods. But at Chuck E. Cheese’s, the kid’s got a fighting chance. He can live in the moist darkness beneath the ball-pits like some pizza-house Gollum until he latches on with a new family.
Violence claims 4th soccer fan ~ We’re pretty sure they’re underreporting the death-toll from this heinous ‘sport.’
Wait! It Just Got Interesting.
Peter, Paul & Mary bassist dies ~ If you’re not Peter, Paul or Mary, in death you shall be remembered only for the instrument you played.
Is 14 too young for life in prison? ~ Fuck yes it is. What kind of idiot even has to ask?
The pain of being disinherited ~ You don’t get any money when Mom & Dad die!
How to handle an elderly loved one that won’t bathe ~ It involves the Jaws of Life and a high-pressure hose.
Few Things Are As Taxing As Caring For A Dirty Old Man.
Most food illness imported ~ Sad. Truly sad. We never thought there’d be a day America would have to import botulism.
Guess what almost killed ‘the Tiger Man of Africa’ ~ Was it a lion? A hippo, then! Damn, these things are hard.
Study: 33 is the best age ~ Not if you’re Jesus of Nazareth. No, 32 was a much better year.
Executed killer shouts ‘Go Cowboys!’ ~ And all the witnesses shouted “THE DEAD LIVE!” Or did you mean “Soon-To-Be-Executed?” That’s probably what you meant.
Does car tell your politics? ~ No, the feeble-minded bumper sticker on the back does that.
“No, It’s Great. By Adopting An Inflexible Attitude In Lieu Of Knowing The Issues, I Save Time By Not Having To Think About The Tough Stuff.”
07 Tuesday Feb 2012
Tags
Baseball, California, Central Valley, drugs, Enid, Fresno, If I forget thee T-Town, impoverished first-world hellhole, Los Angeles, methamphetamine, New Appalachia, Oklahoma, places that suck, San Diego, San Francisco, San Joaquin Valley, San Jose, Smaktakula's hatred of the San Francisco Giants, Tacoma, Washington, Why am I so stupid?
Fresno Sucks Donkey Balls, It's True.
Fresno, California is a powerfully forgettable city. Squatting like an infected zit in the center of California’s San Joaquin Valley (itself labelled a ‘New Appalachia’ by The Economist), Fresno is an embarrassing relation to California’s first-class cities: Los Angeles, San Diego, San Jose and San Francisco. Fresno is the cataclysmically retarded sibling the family keeps locked in the basement when company visits.
You Wouldn't Let Your Family Live Here, Yet This Is What Thousands Of Americans Endure Every Day.
Fresno’s abject wretchedness becomes apparent when it is understood that despite its relative obscurity, Fresno is the fifth largest city in California and 34th in the nation, making it far more populous than many other more famous and beloved cities. Moreover, the dust-blown hellhole has long been known as a crime-ridden cesspit–pungent, filthy and unlivable, where average July temperatures soar above 97 degrees.
MY L1F3 4 FR35N0. FR35N0 4 L1FE, Y0.
Neither are Fresnans known for their mental prowess. In 2009 the city wallowed dead last in a national ranking of ‘Smartest Cities in America, and boasts as its primary institution of higher learning Cal State Fresno. Fresno lacks any professional sports teams,* and for famous Fresnans can list the likes of Balco’s Victor Conte, talentless rapper-cum-baby daddy K-Fed and crazy bitch Anne Heche. Local citizens have even founded the Frebby Awards, to highlight those rare and delicate elements of Fresno life not completely saturated with suck.
So Sad.
But things may at last be looking up for the Raisin City. A recent newspaper headline has tagged Fresno with a distinction which seems to blow like an ill wind from city to blighted city throughout the American West. Tomorrow the spotlight may be upon Tacoma, Washington, Enid, Oklahoma or any one of a hundred other loser cities, but this moment belongs to Fresno, which for today anyway, has been declared the methamphetamine capital of the United States of America. Way to go, Fresno!
Everyone Is Special In His Or Her Own Way.
22 Monday Aug 2011
Posted in Culture
Tags
advertising, Canada, Christianity, coffee, coffee culture, Columbia, culture, Guatemala, It City, Ivory Coast, King County, Lewis County, Mexico, Pierce County, places that suck, poseur, Seattle, Seattle's Best Coffee, Smaktakula's vendetta against Lewis County, Snohomish County, Starbucks, T-Town Forever, Thurston County, Uganda, United States of America, urine, Vietnam, Washington, you suck so bad Lewis County so so bad
But Not As Much As Seattle ♥s Itself.
No American city is more closely associated with coffee and coffee culture than is snobbish Seattle, Washington. From the Emerald City’s brief turn as America’s self-obsessed ‘It City’ in the 1990s, certain aspects of the Seattle phenomenon persist into modern times. Of these, perhaps none is so undeserved as Seattle’s reputation as a coffee Mecca. The practically-Canadian city is thousands of miles from the nearest coffee crop.
Much Like, Say, Christianity Or South-East Asia, Coffee Has A Distinctive, Important Culture.
This delusion manifests itself in the cancer-like proliferation of Starbucks, and in the tellingly-named Seattle’s Best Coffee. The city has seized upon an advertising vacuum created by the marketing unsuitability of actual coffee-producing countries. After all, most Americans aren’t aware that Uganda, Ivory Coast or Guatemala even exit. Vietnam is out, having achieved the rare distinction of beating the US in a war. Likewise, the slogan “Columbia’s Best,” would undoubtedly infringe upon trademarks already owned jointly by various cocaine cartels. And of course, advertising Mexican-grown coffee is a non-starter, largely because Americans are already up to their eyeballs in unscheduled Mexican imports.
Ewwww. You're Gonna Wash Those First, Right?
For Reals: Promethean Times ♥s Seattle
26 Monday Apr 2010
Posted in Culture, General Foolishness, Mythology, National Events, Places
Tags
All-American City, City of Destiny, depressing cities, Ft. Wayne, hard times, Indiana, Mexico, Ohio, PNW, rust belt, T-Town, Tacoma, Thrice All-American, Tijuana, Toledo, Washington, Washington State
Toledo, Ohio
Ft. Wayne, Indiana
Tacoma, Washington: City Of Destiny
What does a city have to do to NOT be designated an All-American City?
Tijuana, Mexico: Future All-American City
