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Tag Archives: San Diego

Fresno: Looking Past All The Suck

07 Tuesday Feb 2012

Posted by Smaktakula in Celebrity, Crime, Culture, Stupidity

≈ 8 Comments

Tags

Baseball, California, Central Valley, drugs, Enid, Fresno, If I forget thee T-Town, impoverished first-world hellhole, Los Angeles, methamphetamine, New Appalachia, Oklahoma, places that suck, San Diego, San Francisco, San Joaquin Valley, San Jose, Smaktakula's hatred of the San Francisco Giants, Tacoma, Washington, Why am I so stupid?

By Smaktakula

Fresno Sucks Donkey Balls, It's True.

Fresno, California is a powerfully forgettable city.  Squatting like an infected zit in the center of California’s San Joaquin Valley (itself labelled a ‘New Appalachia’ by The Economist), Fresno is an embarrassing relation to California’s first-class cities: Los Angeles, San Diego, San Jose and San Francisco. Fresno is the cataclysmically retarded sibling the family keeps locked in the basement when company visits.

You Wouldn't Let Your Family Live Here, Yet This Is What Thousands Of Americans Endure Every Day.

Fresno’s abject wretchedness becomes apparent when it is understood that despite its relative obscurity, Fresno is the fifth largest city in California and 34th in the nation, making it far more populous than many other more famous and beloved cities.  Moreover, the dust-blown hellhole has long been known as a crime-ridden cesspit–pungent, filthy and unlivable, where average  July temperatures soar above 97 degrees.

MY L1F3 4 FR35N0. FR35N0 4 L1FE, Y0.

Neither are Fresnans known for their mental prowess.   In 2009 the city wallowed dead last in a national ranking of ‘Smartest Cities in America, and boasts as its primary institution of higher learning Cal State Fresno. Fresno lacks any professional sports teams,* and for famous Fresnans can list the likes of Balco’s Victor Conte, talentless rapper-cum-baby daddy K-Fed and crazy bitch Anne Heche.  Local citizens have even founded the Frebby Awards, to highlight those rare and delicate elements of Fresno life not completely saturated with suck.

So Sad.

But things may at last be looking up for the Raisin City. A recent newspaper headline has tagged Fresno with a distinction which seems to blow like an ill wind from city to blighted city throughout the American West.  Tomorrow the spotlight may be upon Tacoma, Washington, Enid, Oklahoma or any one of a hundred other loser cities, but this moment belongs to Fresno, which for today anyway, has been declared the methamphetamine capital of the United States of America.  Way to go, Fresno!

Everyone Is Special In His Or Her Own Way.

*Fresno does have a AAA baseball team, the Fresno Grizzlies. However, we hardly need remind readers that as the farm team for the San Francisco Giants, they don’t really count. ∞ T.

Raping Justin Bieber

04 Friday Nov 2011

Posted by Smaktakula in Celebrity, Crime, Entertainment, News

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

Beliebers, Elmer Fudd, Elmer was asking for it, George Carlin, gold digger, hairless hit factory, hussies, Justin Bieber, Mariah Yeater, Michael Jackson, outright lies, paternity tests, Porky Pig, rape, San Diego, skanks

By Smaktakula

We're Not Saying He Was Asking For It, But Did Justin Really Have To Dress Like That?

I can prove to you that rape is funny.  Picture Porky Pig raping Elmer Fudd.

George Carlin

By her own admission, Mariah Yeater is a predator.  She has repeatedly boasted to anyone who will listen about the events of October 25, 2010, when Yeater says she snatched away a young boy’s innocence, trampling it beneath her Crocs.  Just another San Diego statistic.

Okay, Maybe After A Couple Drinks. We're Not Too Proud To Admit It.

But what happens when the rape victim is hairless hit factory Justin Bieber?  According to Yeater, who was nineteen at the time, she had her way with the underage popstar on “some sort of shelf” backstage, engaging in unprotected sex.  Although the attack lasted only thirty seconds, the damage left in its wake will not be quick in disappearing.  Adding a further layer of pathos to this tragedy, the rapist boasts that prior to the assault, Bieber had been a virgin.

Mariah Yeater: Apparently Justin Bieber Thinks He Can Do Better.

However, more egregious than Yeater’s crime itself is the way the unrepentant skank has behaved in the months following the attack.  By asserting that Bieber’s handlers chose her, plucking Yeater from the crowd and ushering her backstage, the callow hussy is essentially blaming the victim for her crime–the old ‘he was asking for it’ canard.  Moreover, Yeater has apparently produced an offspring, claiming improbably that Bieber’s body is somehow able to produce seminal fluid, and that some portion of that fluid was exchanged to produce the aforementioned child.  Bieber, for whom puberty is still a handful of years away, denies the charges.

michael jackson 6

Like Bieber, This Ancient Egyptian Mummy Knows The Pain Of False Paternity Accusations. Billie Jean Was Not His Lover, But Rather Just A Girl Who Claimed He Was The One. To His Grave He Steadfastly Maintained That The Kid Was Not His Son. SHAMON!

What will happen next is anyone’s guess.  Perhaps Yeater’s claims will be proven correct, and it will be revealed that by some unfathomable combination of perverted science and unholy witchcraft Bieber was able to produce a child through sexual intercourse with a human female, and if so, we pray that Yeater will be charged as a rapist.  Or, as is a lot more likely, Yeater’s justice will come not from the courts, but rather at the end of a rope, a warning to other floozies not to mess with the Beliebers’ beloved.

"Bitch, You Are So Fucking Dead!"

Porky-Pig-Concerned.jpg image by brewsben8

Underage Hitman Is Idol Of Boys Worldwide

15 Wednesday Dec 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Crime, News

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

Agent Cody Banks, Arturo Beltran Leyva, badassery, badassery as a legal defense, bling, border, California, cocaine, Cuernacava, drugs, Edgar Jimenez Lugo, El Negro, El Ponchis, Elizabeth Jimenez Lugo, hitboy, hitman, Julio Padilla, La Barbie, Mexican Army, Mexican drug cartel, Mexico, narcos, pussy, San Diego, Tijuana, United States of America, Yolanda Lugo Jimenez

By Smaktakula

Most young boys dream of growing up to do great things: being a starship captain, secret agent or superhero.   In Mexico, one pubescent boy did more than just dream; laughing in the face of the naysayers, he did what the world thought impossible for a lad of his tender years.  He became a hitman.

"Yo Tengo Mi Mente En Mi Dinero Y Mi Dinero En Mi Mente."

Edgar Jimenez Lugo claims to have participated in no fewer than four beheadings as a wetworks man for a Mexican cartel.  Known until his arrest only as ‘El Ponchis,’ the hitboy is currently under extra security for his protection.

Lugo reportedly worked for Julio “El Negro” Padilla, a narco whom Lugo’s sister, Elizabeth Jimenez Lugo, was said to bang.  Padilla, along with other rising narcos such as La Barbie, came to power in the vacuum created by the killing of Arturo Beltrán Leyva.

No Es Bueno: It Turns Out That Being A Narco's Lady Entails More Than Just Carats and Coke.

Lugo came to worldwide attention after he and several other youths were identified in a YouTube video claiming to be hired killers for the cartels.  Despite an intensive search lasting several months, the boy was not apprehended until December, when Mexican soldiers arrested him along with Elizabeth Jimenez Lugo at the airport in Cuernavaca.

Authorities claim the pair were bound for Tijuana, where they planned to cross the border to see their mother (by some accounts stepmother), Yolanda Lugo Jiménez in San Diego.  Thanks to the careless pair, Mrs. Jiménez and her husband are now in the process of being deported.

That's Right, Barbie: He's Younger, More Famous And Has A Better Nickname.

However, no such fate awaits the boy assassin–if anything, El Ponchis may be imported: he is American-born.  Furthermore, the boy claims that his actions on behalf of the cartel were due to coercion, and that he had been drugged.

Whether Lugo is the maniacal beast that cable news would have us believe, or as is equally likely, if he’s just a big-talking kid who’s gotten in way over his head by giving the media a story it’s only too happy to digest without critical thought, he’s given young boys worldwide a benchmark toward which to aspire.  For that reason, we hope young Edgar Jimenez Lugo is found Not Guilty For Reasons Of Badassery.

Pussy.

Nerds Demonstrate Some Value In Non-Technical Applications

26 Monday Jul 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture, News, Religion

≈ 2 Comments

Tags

America's Finest City, brilliant dirty weirdos, California, Captain James T. Kirk, Captain Jean-Luc Picard, Captain Kathryn Janeway, comic books, Comic Con 2010, dignity, dweebs, even Jesus thinks Fred Phelps sucks, Face Front True Believer!, fanboys, geeks, God Hates Fags, internet pornography, living in mom's basement, Lord Gomorrah, Mr. Spock, nerds, never-seen girlfriend in the Niagara Falls area, Optimus Prime, religious intolerance, Reverend Fred Phelps, San Diego, Scripps Mercy Hospital, spazzes, Spider-Man, Star Trek, Star Trek: The Next Generation, Star Trek: Voyager, storm trooper, super heroes, super-villainry, weirdos, Westboro Baptist Church, with great power comes great responsibility

By Smaktakula

It was San Diego’s darkest hour; America’s Finest City found itself in the grip of an unrelenting evil more insidious than any it had heretofore faced.  Across the fair city, harried citizens were paralyzed by a growing sense of doom: a small cadre of thugs, underlings of the odious Lord Gomorrah, had come to the city to share some of their vile asshattery.  Who would champion St. Diego’s city against the scourge of such villainy?

Who?   Who?   Who?

A bunch of overweight dudes in homemade costumes, as it turns out.

With Great Power Comes Great Responsibility: In This Case, Responsibility Means Two Cans Of Crisco And A Shoehorn.

When a handful of the despicable Reverend Fred Phelps’ minions from the Westboro Baptist Church descended upon the 2010 San Diego Comic Con, they were determined to spread the word of a loving God by letting the assembled geeks know that “GOD HATES FAGS.”   Unsurprisingly, the gathering of masked men bedecked in leather and rainbow-hued spandex remained unamused by the message.

True to San Diego’s motto, Semper Vigilans, the asthmatic assemblage was ready for the cretinous crew.  The pimple-ridden posse responded with fervor equal to the sanctimonious blowhards, proclaiming loudly and proudly that Captain Kirk was worth ten Captain Picards.*

As when an unstoppable force meets an immovable object, insanity and inanity clashed with catastrophic results, leaving the shamed and demoralized Westboro Baptists to slink away.  Initially it appeared that the overweight avengers would track the evildoers back to their lair by following the trail of slime.  They turned back when it was noticed that the hour had grown late, and someone remarked that the busses stopped running after 9:00 PM.

"This Wasn't Just A Struggle Against Religious Bigotry," Says Sentry 24601, "This Was A Fight For Our Dignity."

Cultural contributions by nerds are various and well-known, including such everyday staples as smartphones, satellite technology and internet pornography.  However, until recently, these contributions had been strictly limited to technology and technology-related applications.  By taking a stand against Phelps & Co., spazzes have now made a non-technical contribution to American culture, however tiny and insignificant.

"Who's Laughing Now, Becky McGinnis? Huh? WHO'S LAUGHING NOW?"

Nerds everywhere are said to be delighted by the turn of events.  Telephone and internet providers across the nation are bracing for a tsunami of activity across the information grid as the victorious nerds send word of their bravery.  Expected to be hit especially hard is the Niagara Falls area, where many of the convention-goers’ girlfriends are said to live.

*Sources at the scene insisted that Promethean Times record that those assembled were not able to reach consensus on this issue.  Although the majority were decidedly among the pro-Kirk faction, several felt that Picard outshone Kirk, adding, “Picard did it alone.  Kirk would be nothing without Mr. Spock.  Nothing!”  One participant listed Captain Janeway as his favorite, at which point he was set upon by the others.  As of this writing, he remains in critical condition at Scripps Mercy Hospital.

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